The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Croix]

Dear Guest~

I know it is a while since you mentioned them, which makes me worry about asking, however I will. How are your Staffy and Kelpie getting along? The Kelpie in particular may sadly have passed on. Still rescuing dogs and giving them a good life is somethng I've always done. It does help fill the house.

Croix

[Guest_7403]

My beautiful kelpie passed in July last year...it was quick and I wasn't expecting it....life's definitely not been the same...and I still say her name and look to where she would lay on the floor.

But there is a silver lining, she was a resuce and I decided to honour her by fostering orher dogs. I've joined a wonderful foster group and I have opened my home to many dogs in the last 16 months. I have had about 5 or 6 fosters now....its very fulfilling for me and the only purpose I really have.

Alot of people tell me they couldn't do it and wouldn't be able to let them go.

I'm asked how I do it....and I tell them it's simple....they find their happily ever after and I get to save another life.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

I'm glad I asked, as I said I was apprehensive, but your answer has done a couple of things. First it makes me stop worrying I did the right thing and second it shows you now have a something in your life - a fact may readers of your thread will feel glad about.

Believe it or not you have a nurturing soul, as do I. Frankly being a corrections officer or wahtever job you did was not something suited to you, any more than being a policeman was suited to mine.  Many of my colleagues would have echoed yours and said they were not prepared to risk themselves no matter what.

That's one way of deal with life, but not mine or yours. In a way one might see it as a pity we chose the occupations we did, as it broke us, then again some of the people who we showed help and compassion to may have more change in their lives as a result than you imagine.

There are a lot of evil people in this world and there has to be a balance, though the price is high. Actually it does not always have to be that way with better administration - though that's another story.

Your current occupation reminds me of another person who was on the Forum who lived alone in the country and took on rescue dogs that seemed impossible to handle. After living with her and being slowly trained they became sniffer dogs used by SES when people were lost.

It has taken a long time with therapy, medication and personal support but now I do not regard myself as still broken. If you are curious Google kinstugi  with images switched on. That is how I prefer to think of myself and how you may well end up.

Croix