The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Guest_7403]

Been seeing this woman on and off for 6 months been a few red flags but I'm not healthy and have warped views on the world so tell myself it's probably more my sensitivity etc to things

Two days ago her daughter was very sick (20f) and asked if I could bring over a rapid test....so I did...and showed her how to do it...it came up positive immediately...so my partner, daughter/son and his partner all went and got pcr tests (they live together).

Theyre all positive. So I told work I was there 10 mins and they said I need a negative pcr to return...which is fine I can do that.

But my partner became abusive last night, messaging me demanding that I come over and stay with her, calling me names in messages and giving me an ultimatum that if I don't come its over.

I responded that it's unfair of her to ask me to come into a household that's covid positive and put my health at risk....she continued to berate me....calling me names and telling me too pack her bags its over.

I said I'm not debating you, you're being selfish and asking me to put my health at risk.

Her daughter was so ill she was going to take her to hospital....and I don't feel its fair to put me in that position.

These outbursts and other red flags are becoming a pattern, and I've told her that I need to walk away for my own health etc

She apologised last night for her behaviour, said she was stressed etc but the abuse I received I won't accept...I've told her its over for now

[Guest_7403]

Ran into an ex prisoner while getting some dinner...he was with his partner.

Haven't seen him for years, he approached me and asked if my name was such and such...said yes...hello (his name)

He shakes my hand and says thanks for being one of the good ones.

My own family doesn't show me that respect. It's very strange

[Guest_1643]

Hello

I read Ur original post and was moved. I lost me too. Hope u find Ur way back to a life u can live and love, u sound worth it, and a good person

Sending care

Sleepy

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Your last post gave me the biggest chill. I always consider this feeling as 'something that rings through to the soul'.

What an incredibly soulful experience, to be reminded of how deeply you've impacted someone's life in ways they'll forever remember. I imagine he's thought of you often when it comes to the kind of respect he needs in being able to love himself more. I imagine he's compared you against all the depressing people in his life who have tried to convince him he is worthless. I imagine he has found his value through you, to some degree.

I believe we can forget how truly amazing we are until we are reminded in such an impacting way. These are moments to cherish, to fully feel. There is no feeling that compares to being reminded of who we truly are, as opposed to who we believe we are.

Thank you for sharing. I hope he had an impact on you, giving you back some of what you gave to him during his most challenging times.

[Guest_7403]

Slowly coming to the realisation I am incapable of being in a relationship.

My mind breaks down and becomes more and more unbearable as time progresses, only when the relationship ends does the weight lift from my shoulders.

Its a sad realisation to learn that the only life I will be able to maintain any form of stability is a life lived alone with no one.

I guess not everyone gets that happy ending.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Guest_7403,

We are sorry to read that you are struggling with some factors that you have discovered in your life.

There are many different ways that people can and do maintain intimate relationships.

One of the more common ways is each partner lives in their own home and participates in their own life. They regularly call each other and talk for various lengths of time. They might see each other a few times per month to a few times per week. And for them, this relationship style makes them happy.

We have also heard that people who are not compatible may experience what you describe. It could take quite a long time to find a partner who is truly compatible, but this does not necessarily mean nobody is compatible.

What do you want from a relationship?

How do you want the relationship to work?

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_73403~

I doubt the basic you has changed that much. For a prisoner to remember you in such good terms he seeks you out is saying you are an unusual person - a good one.

Yes, there is a temptation in a relationship to put down warning flags as just being one's own history coming to the front and affecting one's judgment. I guess your sensitivity to be able ot detect the flags is there, it is just your interpretation that's amiss.

I'm lucky in I have a someone I can check wiht to see if my reaction is distorted. It's my partner and there have been no warning flags, even from the start. There have been plenty of warning flags about other people on other things, so my antenna is working OK.

Do you have anyone whose judgment you trust enough ot discuss such matters?

You are a good person and there are other good peole out there, it's not impossible you will find one. Please don't write yourself off. After all I found one when middle-aged, with PTSD, depression, anxiety, no job and no prospects. And it has worked well.

If there is little or no load on your shoulders I'd guess you'd be on the right track

Croix

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Wondering whether it's more so a matter of not being able to manage certain types of relationships. How do you think you'd go with someone who's able to help you make sense of why you think and feel the way you do, as opposed to leading you to suppress your feelings for their sake? Not necessarily talking about a partner who's the equivalent of a psychologist, more so someone who's more conscious of thoughts and feelings. Someone respectful and considerate.

[Croix]

Dear Dear Guest_73403~

I think Therising's question is an excellent and thought provoking one, maybe even a door into a different sort of relationship.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. Sorry about the double 'Dear", just goes to show I need to learn to cut & paste -sigh 😞

-C