The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

Um, maybe I can mention a couple of things

The first is that there is no rationale for her actions. Selfishness and taking the easy way out trump (pardon the expression) decent behaviour. Your puzzlement may be simply at how someone can be so different in standards and ideas to yourself. Past experience may be a reason, but that is no help if you  are on the receiving end.

As you know there are all sorts in this world, and the very hard part is surrounding oneself with the good.

It took me a long time but I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not flawed.  Limited in some ways yes, but not a character defect, just the overflow of recognizable symptoms. So I agree, not everyone is ‘cured’ of PTSD etc, but a decent recovery point can be reached.

Actually I do believe that in some circumstances it is a two person problem.  Simple loving support given enough time percolates though to the brain and one ends up thinking at the back of one’s mind “if I can be worthy of this love then maybe I’m a pretty reasonable person after all”.

Maybe you can register the dog (as an abandoned if necessary), that might stop her being able to take it back - though it does not sound as if she would try.

I’m glad you want to keep it, to have a happy loved last portion of a life is terrific.  And you are giving that. I hope it does not strain your resources too much.

I like the sound of your dogs, a good mix -are they energetic or laid back? I get mine (plus cats) from the pound and it does save their lives as well as turn my house into a home

While it is just fine to try to emulate being loving and loyal I’m not sure I’d pass the forgiving test, sometimes -very rarely -  I don’t, then I’d be out of it.

Croix

[Guest_7403]

I feel very much flawed and I believe it's why I try so hard to compensate when in a relationship. 

I find that when I am single I get back to the basics, clean eating, gym, no booze, cleaning my house, doing my lawns, watching movies I want to watch, playing my game online with my friend....and I return to that guy that seems to attract people.

Whenever I start seeing someone, it's always good, I maintain my routine and things travel smoothly.....but in a short time when I start to feel vulnerable with a person those insecurities start creeping in, I begin pushing and pulling and then when I realise I'm upsetting them I start to do things to compensate, doing there gardens, doing things they want to do and before I know it I'm no longer doing anything for myself, and I begin to unravel.....its like clock work and even though I'm very much aware of it I cannot stop this automatic behaviour.

By the time the relationship ends, I am a shell of my former self.....but again like clock work once alone within days I begin going to the gym again, clean eating, focused etc

2 or 3 months time I am fit again (I'm quite muscular from 20+ years in the gym), my mind is strong and I look to try again with someone.

But it's short lived and history repeats. Sometimes feels like im destined to live alone in order maintain some stability in myself.

However this last 12 months, I do feel like I have learnt alot and handled things alot better. Previously I would of grovelled to this woman for another chance even tho it was her at fault....but this time I chose to challenge her behaviour and didn't accept no as a response.

I feel I'm on the right path, but as my friend (motherly figure) says I seem to take 3 steps forward, 4 back. She says it's frustrating to watch as she can see who I truly am beneath my ptsd.

[ecomama]

Hi Guest_7403, 

I've read quite a few of your posts & replies. 

I'm sorry / not sorry that relationship ended. What an idk kind of person she is. Didn't like her own aged dog pooping at home but could soil herself whilst intoxicated, be obnoxious and everyone around needs to just accept that and move on? 

Wow. 

If those aren't double standards lol, what is? I am so happy she's out of your life. I think you dodged a bullet there. 

It's heart warming to read how you care for your animals. You too Croix lol. I also have only rescue animals and do all I can to nurse them back to health. A ditty.. I once had 16 rescue chickens delivered late at night in WINTER, then saw most had no feathers! So I gathered all the hot water bottles I could, filled them up and pushed them underneath the beautiful girls to give them some warmth. Repeated this until Winter ended lol. 

So many BB members are faithful pet lovers. We're a sensitive, caring bunch! 

I'm glad you see the cycle of behaviours you have whilst in a relationship and when you're not. Those are awesome self-reflections. 

Croix possibly eluded to the choice factor being the issue not YOU so much being the issue. I like to think he's right! 

Sorry guys, I happen to disagree about "flaws". No one is perfect (even if they TELL you they are lol!).
Everyone has imperfections. It's just the way it is. Character flaws are the worst though and perhaps this is what you're bringing up?

I LOVE the research Brene Brown has done on the subject - "The Gifts of Imperfection".
She's had to do a lot work on herself to be able to bring her research to the fore for us. 
Her Ted Talks are awesome!
If you're interested in her books, you can ask your Public Library to buy them for borrowing.
Our Libraries LOVE suggestions from members. One Library bought hundreds of books I suggested, they're open to it! 

EM 🙂

[Croix]

Dear EM/Guest_7403~

Yes I was referring to character flaws as perceived by oneself, and those perceptions - at least for me with PTSD, depression and anxiety - precluded me from having hope as they seemed build-in, so there was no possibility of change.

Those perceptions were quite false -manufactured by the illness, and were very much based around self-blame.

As I improved, like you Guest_7403, I came to see that I'd been compensating too much and started to standup for myself more. I'd think this is where the Brené Brown reference EM mentions might be of some help in getting a sense of proportion, even if she is addressing a different type of audience.

I honestly do not see that you have to live alone to regain yourself, simply it is a matter of the right partner, one who is prepared to help and understand (I was lucky there). The wrong partners do destroy and you are right to feel you cannot live with them.

Of course everyone - including me - has "imperfections" but I do not think we are talking about the same thing.

Yes, I was suggesting it is the matter of choice (which is very often  partly  happenstance) that has been the problem.

Incidentally  Dr Brené Brown does a 4 minute summary of :

Gifts of Imperfection

on YouTube, for those that are interested.

Nice to talk with you again EM, hope you are well.

Sorry to cross-talk on your space Guest_7403 however I do think  EM is right - you had a lucky escape!

Hope the old dog is doing OK

Croix

[Guest_7403]

I'm so sad I don't know why I can't just be a normal person. There's something wrong with my mind, I don't ever feel happiness or joy.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Guest_7403
 
Thank you for having the courage to share your experience this evening.  We are sorry to hear that you are feeling low right now and we have reached out to you privately to offer you additional support.
 
As you know also, this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.  We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M
 
 

[Guest_7403]

Another 2 months of pain and emptiness.

I don't know what the point of existence is, this isn't living.

[Guest_7403]

Time moves forward but nothing much changes.

Not really sure what the point is...some people live wonderful and fulfilling lives, others for whatever reason just exist in pain and loneliness.

[therising]

Was listening to someone just the other day who was asked 'Why do you think we're here on this earth?'. They answered 'I believe we're here for 2 reasons. One is to serve and the other is all about coming to know our self'. Personally, I couldn't agree more. I've found both reasons can come with a lot of problems or challenges that can just about do my head in at times.

To serve: Who should or shouldn't I serve? How can I best serve others? Am I serving to my own detriment? Should I open my mind more in serving others or should I keep my mind closed while I'm around them, so that while I'm serving them they're not putting a whole stack of negative or destructive stuff into it? How often or how much should I serve myself compared to others (a healthy balance)? And the list goes on and on in all the ways of being of service. Btw, who we're meant to be of service to isn't always obvious at times. Thinking of that woman you knew with the dog that was in a poor way, sounds like your calling was to serve the dog, not the woman.

Coming to know our self: My gosh, where do I start? Who am I on a physical, mental and even soulful or natural level? How do I work? What are all my triggers (positive and negative)? Why do I suffer so much at times? What natural abilities was I born with? Why did some of those abilities develop whereas others didn't? If I was born with a sense of wonder, a sense of adventure, a sense of belonging, a sense of evolution etc, what happened to all these senses? Am I not wondering in all the right ways? What kind of ventures do I need to be adding, in order to feel a sense of adventure? If belonging is about 'finding the tribe you vibe with', what the hell does my tribe actually look like? Are they the sort of people who I can feel free to be myself around? Btw, what the heck is myself? And when it comes to a sense of evolution, why can I not sense myself evolving/changing? Am I doing it wrong? Is that why I can't feel it? How do I evolve in ways I can actually feel?

A lot of questions there. I've found there's a particular key that makes a difference in unlocking the way forward and it's 'the ability to ask the right questions' vs asking the wrong ones. With the right questions, something clicks and opens the mind to a revelation (the thing we're looking for). With the wrong questions, nothing clicks. While the wrong questions may be 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so broken?', the right question may be 'What am I not seeing here (in this challenge) that I really need to see?'. The right question may be 'What am I not hearing here?'. The right question may perhaps be 'What am I not feeling?'. An overall example: If you see yourself, through your imagination, walking alone along a highway and you hear something inside you that says 'You choose to serve only 'my way or the highway' kinds of people', you might suddenly feel what those kinds of people feel like. They do have a feel to them. I've found the ultimate struggle can come down to figuring out what the right questions actually are. To say it's hard can be an understatement.

[Guest_7403]

5th Xmas without my daughter.

She doesn't know I exist 

Incomplete without here.