The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Guest_7403,

Take your time.

All in good time and your time. And you will know when it’s a good time because you will feel comfortable in opening a crack about yourself.

It’s very difficult to try to find a person whom you can fully trust. Do we really really have to, though? Sorry, I should probably re-phrase: it’s great and extremely helpful to have at least one person you can fully trust. But I sometimes I feel like there is this pressure these days to open up as soon as the first impression is over and spill your insides out. I don’t know if the thing has its roots in the society watching too many reality shows which give us a fake sense of reality and fake values and beliefs. Dunno.

Anyway, I think you are making a great start by reaching out here. No pressure. No judgement. People here are always going to appreciate your comments and coming back. People who care. I do believe this might help you loosen up a bit in contacts with others.
Take care there.

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

While reading your posts my heart breaks for you. I have so much respect for people like yourself who do the jobs that few of us could tolerate. They're the jobs that keep the rest of us safe, performed under intolerable conditions we rarely ever hear about. If we heard about them on a regular basis, I imagine we'd be both horrified and traumatised in a variety of ways.

I imagine you've asked yourself many questions over the years, on you quest for better understanding human nature, trying to make sense of it. A couple of the things I wonder about, myself: What leads to the worst in human nature and why can we be so starved at times when it comes to facing the best? Such starvation can be mind altering. On the forums here, I cannot help but often see the best in human nature - those who are striving, working so hard to better understand themselves, those who wish for advice on how to help someone they know who is suffering, those who cannot tolerate a lack of feeling a connection to life and come here to find one, those whose need to vent is so great that they trust the inspiration that leads them here and those who come here simply to make some positive difference others. Here, there is the best.

I can't help but wonder whether part of the reason for not wanting to make a connection with people comes down to not wanting to face the so called 'worst' in a potential partner. What I mean is...we can be going great with someone we've just met, when somewhere down the track they show us a side that may be deeply challenging. It could be a side that is seriously closed minded, when we truly desperately need them to be open minded. It could be the thoughtless ranter in them who has a go with some cruel comment, used as deeply wounding ammunition. I can't help but wonder whether you're sick of finding the worst in people. Could it also be a matter of you don't trust them to show you nothing but the best?

I find the best in someone when they are brave enough to express their vulnerable side, when their sensitivity becomes outstanding. For someone in this case to find the best in their partner - the best open minded listener, the best supporter, the best giver of themself (to another) - is something well deserved.

Do you know who it is you're looking for? Could it be someone who holds the ability to bring out the best in you, amongst the pain? Sometimes I find the best in people does not disappear, it simply goes into hiding.

Take care

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

While our histories are extremely different, with yours being far more mind altering, I could not help but think of you the other day when triggered into overwhelming sadness.

While having a conversation with a friend about making a constructive difference in the life of someone we know, she implied that I was being ridiculous leading me to feel low level ridicule. At first, I felt anger towards her but after dropping her home, I found myself sobbing for most of the day in the kind of way where you feel like a part of you has died. I remember my years in depression and this moment felt like the depths. I couldn't figure out why such a basic conversation could have such an enormous impact. I should add the fact that I'd had people around me, in the lead up to this event, who'd been testing me in a number of ways. Perhaps this was the final straw.

It was when my epiphany came that I thought of you.

I realise, in that moment where I was triggered, I felt like this friend had stolen a part of the best in me. She was taking away my ability to see the best or the potential in another. She was taking away my ability to make a difference in this world or to that person I mentioned. You could say it felt like as though I was a child being robbed of the kind of innocence and optimism that leads them to see the potential in this world. It's like when this child is left feeling like a fool in what feels like a wake up call to reality, such a reality being 'The world is truly a horrible place and I'm too trusting. I'm an idiot'. When looking at the lead up to this trigger, I saw I'd been robbed of a sense of peace, a sense of happiness and a sense of seeing the best in this world. No one did this intentionally, it was simply that the people in my life were all experiencing challenges in their own life. Should add, I don't feel this from the forums here, it's more so with the people among family, friends and where I work.

I cannot help but wonder whether you sometimes feel that people have stolen pieces of you, the best in you. Are there moments of rage, the injustice, and moments of grief, the loss? Do you find there is also fear, that you will never remember your natural self, the best in you? Are there moments where you think 'I will never let another person steal the best in me. I now trust no one'?

It was the next day that I was triggered to think of someone who always raises my consciousness and spirits. I connected with them. It was mind altering.

[Guest_7403]

All I wanted was a family of my own, and I feel that my ex wife....who rushed me into a quick marriage/pregnancy knowing too well I was very unwell too only walk out in a day for another guy less than 2 years in robbed me of that oppurtunity.

I read a post the other day on the forums, about a guy with his family...and he does everything he needs to support his wife and kids financially and keeping them safe...doing what it is socially expected...but stating he feels nothing for them....he interacts with them but feels nothing.

That is exactly how I feel to my own children and anyone that comes into my life now.

I interact with them, do what I need to....but i feel nothing. If they leave now its like okay....and i just go on now like nothings happened.

Theres no enjoyment, no happiness and I dont think of a future or future happiness....i just exist. I expect them to leave, and make no effort to change that anymore. thats life for me

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

I'm so sorry you were robbed of a family. It really does lead me to feel sorrow when I imagine the potential this aspect of life held for you. It's triggering when I think of the consideration you deserved in so many areas of your life and still deserve.

May sound like a strange question but do you feel like you're purely an observer in your own life? Kind of like you mentally process/calculate everything around you without any feelings attached.

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Just want to add to the 'observer' comment. Being the observer is like finding the mid point: If you imagine a horizontal line, anything above that line relates to feeling a sense of happiness, a sense of joy, a sense of excitement or connection etc. Anything below that line relates to feeling a sense of sadness, a sense of misery, a sense of boredom or disconnection etc. Above the line are the ups and below are the downs. Personally, I can only feel a sense known as observation when I'm on the line. I can't feel anything else at that time. Give you a recent example, so you know where I'm coming from...

About a year ago, I could feel myself slowly returning to depression. The thought of it terrified me. The most significant potentially depressing factor at the time was my marriage. I can recall sitting, sobbing, and asking 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I make this 20 something year relationship work?', on top of a heck of a lot of other questions. Suddenly, from out of the blue, came the words 'You need to begin observing his behaviour'. Committing to identifying as 'an observer', I decided to take my wedding ring off. Over this last year, I'd come to observe and make better sense of so much. I thought I'd been observing my relationship over the past several years but, in truth, what I'd been largely studying were my reactions, my feelings (in relation to my triggers in the marriage). From the point of pure observance of my husband's words and actions, I gained a sense of greater clarity. I began to change in the process. Because I was largely detached from feeling, there was no sense of guilt attached to me saying what needed to be said. I had no sense of people pleasing when the need for bluntness came about. This strange sense of detachment was liberating in some way. Mind you, a sense of decency/morality grounded me. I don't believe I was entirely cruel, just as honest as possible.

With this new found feeling of detachment, I also came to understand how people can perform unspeakable acts. There is no decency, compassion or morality grounding them out of what they choose to do.

As an observer one could say 'My child costs me money' and that observation would be correct. From the perspective of wonder, one could then ask 'How do/can I raise my child (elevate them in many simple ways) through money?'. Observe the ways and the child's reactions and come to know the child. Observation is productive when accompanied by wonder.

🙂

[Guest_7403]

Yeh, I observe and analyse anything.

But I never observe anything as a positive, always pick the negative element, look for the reason that'll make it worse etc

Been talking to a nice girl for 2 weeks, had a couple of dates, message everyday (alot). She came over last night for drinks...we had some laughs and drinks and slept together.

But I feel nothing, the laughs are fleeting, the future does not exist to me that includes her.

Doesn't matter how much personalities align, or how attractive they are, how much they say they want me....I simply do not or cannot care.

We had planned all week for last night, and tonight also but at hers. But too me once I sleep with them it seems to be over. Shes like last night was awesome, I can't wait to see you again tonight...

To me this is perplexing, as I had already subconsciously shut off....I was analysing the night looking for reasons to push her away, not see her again and certainly not go tonight.

But I'm smart enough to realise that what I perceive, think and feel is clearly not reality....because this keeps occurring.

Its clearly me thats the problem, as it's only me that feels this way or I guess doesn't feel this way.

To me that little bit of excitement of a new relationship evaporates near instantly...and I look end it and move on to the next.

Why I do this I dont know. Why I end it with beautiful, intelligent and funny wemon for seemingly no reason I don't know.

What I do know....is that so called line you refer I never cross into the highs....only ever look up from well below it.

I'm lonely...or I think I'm lonely....I believe that's why I date so much. But clearly something inside me does not want to move forward with someone.

I know I don't want a FWB deal...as it goes against my moral compass but it seems to be once that physical side occurs it ends for me.

Perhaps I need outside perspective from others here....as I cannot see why I do this

[Guest9337]

Morning Guest_7403,

Like freaky name man, is that computer generated to preserve anonymity? spose so.

I too often seek to observe and analyse anything.
Just yesterday I got all creative and analytical in my anti-movement thread, twas fun.

I’ve read your stuff and the posts of others too.
Positive pushing is a common response to expressions of emotional flatness. Like, just be happy man, and think positive things and do positive actions. F that, sometimes.

Here’s one for you…
What is the most fundamentally depressing thing/experience/idea you can come up with?
You’ll find that a perplexing question maybe.

Have a look up for “metacognition” thinking about thinking, thinking about feeling, feelings about a feeling. That kind of stuff. A ripe field for observation, analysis and integration.

Only a few tips for ya regarding relationships. Shallow short casual relationships are the least exciting type of relationship. There are waves to long term relationships, ups and downs, that intensify the excitement.

"I want to like you, you do/say many of the things I like, but my reality is that I am emotionally flat and that isn’t your fault, I may never change. So, you matter to me as a person, can you still go out with me even though I’m not romantic or emotional?"

There’s an exciting question for ya! It’s risky business.

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

I've found I could spend a lifetime wondering about myself, why I do what I do. I believe it's the nature of life, of challenges, to reveal much about us as we go along. Some lessons can be cruel and long at times but they are lessons none the less.

I believe everything we do...we do for a reason. Whether the reason relates to some hidden lesson waiting to be learned, whether it relates to a false sense of reality or whether it relates to an imbalance of chemistry in the brain/body, there's always a reason. I imagine you can relate to the phrase 'Life feels senseless'. It's kind of strange how we may never take much notice of a statement, a phrase or sayings until something triggers a greater level of awareness. Then, all of a sudden, something clicks and there's that moment where we can be left thinking 'So that's what it means. I can really relate to that.'.

'Life feels senseless' can be taken in 2 ways. I sense no meaning or I can sense no feeling - I can't sense or feel excitement, joy, enthusiasm. I can't sense or feel my ability for compassion (like I used to), my ability to connect with other people on a deeper level, my ability to make sense of or find reason for life. I can relate to no sense of love, when I look back and recall my experience with post natal depression (with both my kids), while within overall depression. It was a bit of a double whammy, kind of like feeling twice as down. While a lack of oxytocin was partly responsible for me not feeling the love, there were other natural factors involved. I don't believe we can feel much of life at all when we've got no energy to feel with.

I wonder whether you can relate to the kind of exhaustion where you feel like people (in a variety of ways) suck the life out of you, anxiety drains you, people bring your energy levels down through insanely thoughtless comments and work or jumping through hoops for others depletes what little you've got left.

I would guess there are moments where you do feel energised, where you're connected to how you feel. While these moments may be fleeting, they still exist. With you speaking of sleeping with women, I would guess you feel the kind of energy that builds through such an interaction. Sometimes it can be enough, until we can feel more, to simply feel where a moment of ecstasy can take us as it channels life through us.

Sometimes sex holds the ability to bring us to life or...bring a sense of life to us. It can be incredibly powerful.

🙂

[Guest_7403]

I ended it with her, never went to her house last night.

I felt bad afterwards, but she seemed very hurt and withdrew...worried about her hope she's okay.

But I think subconsciously I wasn't really into her, and feel like Friday night just confirmed that for me.

She said she didn't understand because we seem so alike, similar interests and conversation flows.

I've always felt that I'm a bit chameleon like....I have this ability to mimic, or become the person I am interacting with.

I think its a defence technique I've developed over time, and reinforced by my insecurities. That wanting to be liked, loved or not hurt...so I become what they want.

But because that's not who I am, or really what i want.....it simply doesn't work.

I know I lack a sense of self, it's been explained to me by psychs that because my mother was so dominating and controlling that I never developed myself....always looking to others to tell me what to do, how to be etc

A loveless childhood....when all I ever wanted to be was accepted and loved for who I am.....so now I seek out acceptance and love....but when it's received I don't know what to do...its uncomfortable for me....so I push them away and end it.

what a complete head case I really am