The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[smallwolf]

I think that what as happened to you as you described in your post is very unfair, and you were only (broadly speaking) doing your job and from what it sounds that was heroic. This also say a lot the person.. You. Yet these same actions have drastic consequences for you.

I don't know very much, except the longer the period things have occurred the longer it takes to get better. I also know self-medication does not help (you mentioned drinking in a post) yet that seems to be the way you need to cope at the moment.

You are also right about people not having a lived experience! At the same time I would also also like to listen and learn from you.

Peace to you,

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for your most honest posts and sharing your thoughts, views and feelings with us.

I agree with you. Nobody is ever going to truly understand you and what you’ve gone through. Even the person who goes through a similar experience will never be able to say “I know what he is talking about”.

Why?

Because you are unique and what goes through your head and heart is best know to yourself only.

Despite this approach, you still decided to reach out here. I commend you for that. Being apprehensive, thinking “what do they know” and still, making a decision to join us here. Again, I commend you for that.

The thing is, nobody has a magic wand that would magically “fix” us. However, we can still try to give it a go and if sharing your story with us here makes you feel better- that’s a bonus. If you think it doesn’t, so be it BUT - you came back to us to continue the dialogue- and that’s a bonus too.

I hope you will stick around.

Take care.

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

Sorry this has happened to you in your life and you are left feeling this way it must be so hard……

I understand how it feels to be locked in your own mind…… I had Severe anxiety OCD but I’m now recovered from the condition……. I felt as though I was living in an internal hell…. My own mind just felt like something I couldn’t escape, it’s something I’d never wish upon my worst enemy……..

Fast forward from this time I’m now free of this condition……. I think back to the person I was before I went through this condition and I know I’m not that same person but I’ve grown as a person from having this condition…… I believe I went through what I what through so I could come through it and help others with their mental health conditions even if I could just give them HOPE…..

You sound like a very caring person who does the right thing by other people even if those people can’t help you back ….. which is very admirable…. You stand up for what you believe in….. You have a heart of gold……… your soul is still there in YOU! You still have that light inside you , you just need to allow it to shine again……

Our soul is in us underneath the noise,

be still,

bring awareness to your breath .

Bring awareness to your internal world.

listen to your heart

Feel the light of your soul

Forgive and love your self

Fill your mind with gratitude

Follow your dreams

vibrate higher

I believe you can move forward from this…….. look for something positive in each day…. And keep building on it….

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for further explaining what you've been through. It's tough to recall events that have hurt you in the past, but I'm really grateful that you were courageous to share this with us.

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened in your work place. It certainly seems unfair that your fellow workmates weren't very considerate of your life, and gave the reason that they weren't going to risk their own life for a prisoner whom they see very low worth/value in society. What made matters worse was, what seems to be unfair, have led to even more unfairness when the officer who gave that remarks, got a big promotion instead of you who risked your own life during that event. It really stinks when the success of someone's career is based off how well they play within the corporate ladder. I've seen people coming in to my company, only to talk a bunch of non-sense and buzz words, get themselves a nice promotion, while leaving the people underneath them to do all the grunt work. It certainly seems unfair.

People long for the sense of worth in a workplace, feeling like they are worth something based off their contributions and the amount of work that they believe they deserve praises for. But when a company fails to recognize that and instead gave it to someone else whom the company feel was more deserving, they feel disappointed and cheated. They feel that they've done all this work that they thought was expected of them to be doing, only for the company to overlook that effort without even a word of 'thanks'. It's a terrible feeling indeed.

Are you still working for that place? And is there something you'd like to do about it to change your working situation? Perhaps even consider a different career?

Also, please do share anything else that comes to mind. I wish to listen to more that you have to say too.

Jt

[Petal22]

Good morning Guest 7403,

Never loose that person that person you say you were….. he’s still there….. he’s underneath the noise of your mind…… you CAN come back from this….. you CAN find happiness…. again…..

Have you ever tried meditation? I believe meditation got me over the line….. it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but I’m the watcher of my thoughts….. I can observe them and not get caught up in them…. It’s a real soulful experience becoming “ aware” of this……… it takes practice but I highly recommend it, I did one through my therapy for learning to watch my thoughts it was guided…. Absolutely amazing once you get the concept of it…..

Meditation isn’t about trying to clear the noise of your mind

It’s about reminding yourself the noise isn’t your identity

this clears the mind

When I went through my mental health journey I did a lot of self development within myself I learned so much about myself and the person I wanted to be……. I learned to forgive myself ( which was a very important releasing thing to do) and to forgive others that I felt I needed to forgive to move forward in my life)….. to forgive others isn’t for the person you are forgiving but for yourself so you can release that negative energy you hold within yourself from your self….

I also learned to “ let go” of things in my past that I can no longer control…. I taught my mind to “ let go” I did this by when my mind would bring it up I’d say to myself just let it go calmly….. ( it took practice) when I would say this I’d redirect my mind to something in the present moment like if I was brushing my teeth how does the tooth brush feel, how does the tooth paste taste what does the water sound like……., eventually by doing this as something my mind bought up I would say let it go….,, and my mind would let it go… it takes practice and perseverance but it’s WORTH it…. It’s very freeing…

Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow…..,

My mental health journey taught me this……

Your still in there guest 7403….. i know you CAN learn to move forward from this…… your life on the other side of it is AMAZING!

Im here to chat to you anytime 😊

[Guest_7403]

I appreciate the kind replies from everyone, but my mind is far too gone for positive mindset therapies.

Take care everyone.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest _7403...

There’s no pressure here at all...

Just remember if you can..that we are here for you, whenever you feel able to talk....it can be anything you wish to talk about..music genre, pets, hobbies....anything at all..that might help you to feel even a tiny bit better...

We are all here for you...with our care..and support...

Grandy...

[Petal22]

Ok Guest 7403, please know we are all here for you if you ever want to talk…

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest_7403,

No worries my friend, please take care of yourself, and we're always here for you if you ever want to have a chat again.

Jt

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for your response and totally respect your space.

Please drop us a line sometime in the future, as there are quite a few people who care what's happening with you.

Take care.