The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Guest_7403]

Feel so lonely in life now, can't rely on anyone to be there.

Been seeing a nice lady, and chatting to a few others....not exclusive with anyone.

But everytime they ask to meet up, or ask me questions that make me feel vulnerable I throw the walls up and stop talking to them.

I've done this countless times in the last 6 months...won't let anyone in....and even if they do break that barrier to meet me.....I'm never relaxed with them and feel no happiness

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest...

Thats so lovely to hear you are seeing a nice lady....and even chatting to a few more....That’s a huge achievement dear Guest.....

Just casual chatting is the very first step of getting to know people....Maybe just keep the conversations light until you feel safer within yourself to talk about different things...

I think most people with mental health issues do put up walls as a way of protecting themselves from being hurt...I know I do....

Thats okay to feel the way you do when you meet someone new..that feeling should ease off the more you get to know them and begin to feel comfortable when you’re with them...They might be feeling the same as you...we never know...

I think to just be your beautiful self and keep the conversation to subjects your comfortable with...

Its okay dear Guest, if your not up to talking here...We are sitting quietly next to you, until you are ready...

You can rely on us to be here for you, whenever you need us to be..

My kindest thoughts dear Guest, with my care..

Grandy..

[Guest_7403]

Nah, I flicked her off this afternoon for good....won't be seeing her again.

Same with the others...I unmatch them so there's no going back.

I've done this maybe 20 times in the last 6 weeks...

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

Yes we have talked before, and like the change in name you have also changed inside since your work, that's true, and the idea of winding back time, erasing experiences and being the you that you were before is not possible - any more than it was for me.

OK, I am guessing you have had 6 years in which you are in a sort of painful limbo, and needing your old attitudes, your old life, and your faith in your judgment back, in the goodness of some people

A lot, even those that fool you are sh***s, but ...

I've probably told you before, but what I would really like is to give you some hope.

Until I had that I was in a limbo too, spiraling down, untrustful of others and my self, having a stream of images of events and broken trusts, and a complete lack of faith in my abilities.

It got to the stage, long before I was invalided out, that I became suicidal and had a couple of tries- which came to nothing. Later I tried again, better prepared and thought out.

It may sound illogical but that last time gave me trust in one person, my partner, as I told her the whole box of dice. She did not panic, but soon I was in hospital, though even there I did not open up completely -again no trust

Why did I suddenly trust her? Seems to go against the grain. Well, I had the thought I did not know everything about myself and the world, that was a thought I had when listening to something on a TV. So I stopped and went and blurted everything out.

My wife did not understand my thoughts, just it was something that needed more than she could offer, so the psychiatrist then hospital.

Hospital itself was just a little help, getting me away from life, what really helped was the kindness of a psych nurse, I was not one of his charges but he went to his home off his own bat and brought me books

Amazing what a change that made, my judgment that there were good people was correct

All the therapies you mentioned are OK I guess, talk therapy plus meds over a very long time was the most beneficial for me. I now trust (some), love someone new and am loved, work and feel accomplishment, look forward to things. I'm different, my past is an integral part of me and affects my judgment - but it is only part

No I'm not the same as you either, but think I understand part of what you are going though. I'd not be the only one

You want to ask I'll try to answer honestly. You want to say I'm full of it, OK. What you can't say is I don't believe you can't live a new life

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

I'm hoping you are not sorry in starting this thread, it would have cost you a lot to set it all out, even thogh you have referred to it before.

If it was me the violence and your protective actions would not have been the most troubling, the lack of help from colleagues would have been.

So may I ask how much you think their selfish non involved attitudes made you feel or what effect is has had on you - even up to now.

I knoew it's a bit of an intrusive question, however if you answer as I expect I may be able to talk with you as someone who has been down a similar path (and is still seeking to put it behind me).

Croix.

[ecomama]

Hi Guest_7403, welcome!

I read your thread a few days ago, there was alot to process, so I spent some time pondering your situation as it stands for you now.

The torment you endure is clear.

After thinking about your story, the parts of it shared on this thread at least, it's pretty clear to me you've suffered some deep betrayals.

"That day" that changed your life, or your reaction to that day could be more closer to the truth, and what followed in your personal life was betrayal after betrayal.
Betrayal of colleagues that "should've" had your back and ofcourse your wife betraying you in the time of your deepest needs of a spouse.
Being prevented from seeing your daughter is an ongoing pain that's clear also.

So realising this all and your own admission that you've not been able to move forward I'm relieved you wrote this....

Guest_7403 said:

Nah, I flicked her off this afternoon for good....won't be seeing her again.

Same with the others...I unmatch them so there's no going back.

I've done this maybe 20 times in the last 6 weeks..."

It's best not to embark on a relationship with your constant inner turmoil running full speed, lest you hurt others relentlessly, needlessly and endlessly.
Having a significant other at this time will NOT necessarily help you at all.
"Hurt people hurt people". <<< THAT is not your style. You are a protector, not an abuser, regardless of what has happened to you.

One point, why would you WANT to be "that person you were" again after all this?
Life changing events CAN include traumatic ones, and they invariably do.

What that inmate did was NOT of your doing.
What your colleagues did NOT do was not of your doing either.
What exW did was devastating.

But what you DID do was take more than your fair share of responsibility in desperately trying to prevent tragedy.

Sometimes just SOME TIMES we have a LOT to learn from a set of traumatic events.
We find out who has our back - hmmm.
We find out who is weak & leaves.

We can also find an incredible inner strength to GROW from this event. And even from many of them.
A saying I use here is "When life gives you sh** what do we do with it?" and the answer is "We turn it into fertiliser".

Taking responsibility for the rest of YOUR life is within your power.

Becoming the man your daughter needs as she comes of age and seeks you, can be one of your goals.

Big hugs, it's hard, but I truly believe "you've got this"!
Love EM

[smallwolf]

Hi. In your last reply you mentioned unmatching a person. Presumably this person was a match on some level.

Can I ask whether this action is to protect them from hearing what you have gone through? And you reliving those events?

Or protecting yourself and ability to trust someone else?

Hope you get to see this?

[Guest_7403]

I do it to protect myself and because I don't trust anyone.

I get along with all these ladies...but as soon as it gets to a point where I become vulnerable or feel that I may be hurt I pull the pin and give the same comment to them

"Thanks for the chat, hope you find what you're looking for, take care and stay safe"

Once they've read it, I unmatch so they can't reply.

Its not because I don't want to see them, or to try...the need to protect myself is far too strong.

But I immediately jump back on and start talking to others and the cycle repeats...they only ones that meet me are typically the more forward ones who don't give me a chance to think about it and say no.

I was meeting a pretty blonde lady for lunch today at 1pm, but she was tired last night and not as chatty as usual....so my mind interprets that as not interested or losing interest.

So I messaged this morning and said I didn't feel it and it was best to give it a miss and then unmatched her.

I dunno how to break that barrier...but I've been like that for a few years now with wemon

[smallwolf]

Hey, back again.

Sounds like you have been hurt by lots of people in the past? And while you would like to be with someone... You feel that you be hurt again down the track. That much be quite hard and upsetting?

On breaking the barrier... There is a saying about moving a mountain - by doing it one rock or pebble at a time.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

I guess there are the 2 sides of you, one seeking another person, and one that puts the brakes on.

It strikes me that the difference in my case was I told someone the works despite being mistrustful of the whole world then I stuck around. There were couple of courses of action open to me of course if I did not want to stick with her. (I still don't really understand why but my partner did stay too).

I'm not implying any deep answer, just pondering that difference. Pity there is nobody to talk to before you actually unmach someone, it sounds almost automatic the way you do it.

Croix