Terrified of Belonging, Unable to Enjoy Anything or Feel Happy

[Strong_Heart]

Dear Community,

I need help. This is my first post. I have lost who I was and is so hard to move forward into who I want to be. I'm barely getting through my days. I feel terrified and blocked to belong here.

I came to Australia 2 years ago from North America, and met the most wonderful partner. I had a physically and emotionally abusive family growing up and quickly learned to be independent. I healed over 15 years by studying meditation and other therapies. I even feel others do that.

After I moved in with my partner, everything changed. I remembered something awful about what happened. I remembered a worse trauma than I thought I had experienced, of sexual abuse and my life physically being threatened at age 4. I thought I would die. And more than one caretaker/parent witnessed and didn't protect me.

So now I understand why I have rejected belonging. It's so hard to trust my partner. He's very loyal and patient and loving, and intellectually I know I can.

After a lifetime, 34 years of rejecting belonging for what I now see as good reason, i'm being blessed with an opportunity to create a new chosen family.

And I just can't seem to do it. It's been 9 months of processing this memory. What was first blissful true love now feels like constant fear, terror, panic. The more he loves me, the more my body wants to reject it.

I want to trust feeling good in belonging, but all I've ever known is family who betrays you in every way, by almost every single one of them.

I literally can't enjoy my favorite things anymore, dancing, feeling others, being with my partner. Its really disheartening.

I'm afraid this will go on forever.

I've been working with mindfulness, affirmations, writing. I've worked with 3 therapists since I remembered spending 5k in 6 mos. It's too much. And not enough progress.

accepting the pace is terrifying. I'm 36 and I want kids too. I just can't see putting a child through this and I can't see an end to the heaviness.

the hardest bit it remembering who I was when we first met just a couple years ago, so happy, so vivacious, so fun. I'm missing enjoying these moments with my love, they are passing me by. I'm losing time.

I feel powerless. It's awful. It's like I'm wasting all of this because I can only feel and think negatively about it, and attack it and him sometimes!

It's so painful. Do you have any ideas of what can help?

Thank you in advance*

Love, ♥

[PamelaR]

Hi Strong Heart and very warm welcome to our community

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is such a difficult journey isn't it? My heart goes out to you because I know what you are experiencing. I too had memories of childhood trauma return about 9-10 years ago. The healing process for me took some years. It's not an easy path, but it does get better Strong Heart! So you will once again enjoy dancing, having fun and feeling. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

During the early years of remembering it felt like all my emotions, feelings, thoughts were thrown into a washing machine on a regular basis. Got churned up, when the spinning stopped I began to hang the fragments of my life on the clothes line. Just when I thought everything was drying and clean, they'd get thrown in the washing machine again. It was like taking 3 steps forward and 5 steps backwards. Now I take 10 steps forward and 2 steps backwards.

I find it interesting that the 3 psychologists you've been to haven't given you the tools to help you through this difficult time. My psychs were a blessing. I wouldn't be were I am today if it wasn't for all their help. There are times when I still need to make a visit when things go wrong.

You've mentioned, mindfulness, affirmations and writing. There are many other tools out there. For example - CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), Exposure therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), Neuroplasticity to name a few.

The recovery process takes time. Sorry I know you don't want to hear that. It does sound like you want to move on, which is all good. Just part of PTSD is to throw you back into the state you find yourself - that sense of rejecting belonging again. Believe me, it does get better. It just takes time and work with someone who is very experienced with PTSD and trauma.

You've spent a lot on getting assistance so far and you are a Strong Heart! Keep reaching out as you have done here. That's such a wonderful step to take.

Share more of your story if and when you want to. When you're up to it, have a browse of the stories of others. You'll see you are not alone in your journey to recovery.

Kind regards

PamelaR