SUPRESSED CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?

[Ellie_]

Hey🙂,
i don’t have a question but just reaching out.
i have been struggling with depression(suicidal thoughts), anxiety(with panic attacks), an eating disorder(anorexia,bulimia), low self esteem with feelings of disgust, guilt, and greed, as well as mood swings, self harm and urges to escape/disappear/runaway.
have recently been wondering if I have some sort of supressed childhood trauma as I struggle to find the source of much of this and remember having some of these thoughts from a very young age??

My family life is good and I cannot recall any traumatic instances however this may be due to memory blank?
this may sound gross/weird although I have also had strange sexual desires regarding older men, incest, persons of authority (e.g.teachers), and rather violent rape from a questionably young age (11 is the earliest I remember), plus a few small slightly sexual actions as a kid (although this may be overthinking it). I also have a lot of trouble with my sense of self (often feel no connection to my name, feel as if I am staring at a stanger when looking at childhood photos, often feel a need to change who I am and select a persona of some sort), sometimes I also seem to almost leave my body/the world and feel as if I am viewing everything through a screen, also when I was younger I had moments where I seemed to not believe that I wasnt actually the child of my parents(photos prove I am), even thinking I was an alien😂 at one point(I was a kid).

Hope you can understand/relate/support without judgement.
Dont worry, be happy🌞
- El

[White_Rose]

Dear Ellie

Hello and welcome. It's good you have come here looking for some assistance. Unfortunately we are not medical people, no qualifications to make any diagnosis.

Your list of difficulties is extensive and I can see how all this troubles you. Not an easy way to live. I will comment that mental illness is not necessarily the result of childhood trauma or any trauma. Sometimes people become depressed etc for reasons as yet unknown. Depression, AKA the black dog, likes to lob in through your front door and turn your life upside down without so much as a by your leave.

I would like to suggest you pay a visit to your GP and get his/her opinion on your difficulties. It will probably be easier if you print out your post and take it with you as you have listed everything that is happening or has happened to you. Gives your GP a good overview of the problem and can take the discussion from there.

In the meantime, please continue to post in here. We will reply to you but not always immediately. It depends when people are online.

Mary

[Lady_Nova]

I can relate to some of your points, but I KNOW I had traumatic events, one being medical trauma.
That being said it isnt always the obvious events that inflict trauma. It could have been a split second of terror not being able to see a parent in a crowd or a fall with the pain of a broken bone, anything really.
The brain of a child is incredibly plastic, we learn much faster and change so much in our early years. These instances of often overlooked trauma can, in an instant, change the chemical soup that maintains who we are and how we process emotion and information. These changes can be minor and transient, or they can last our lifetime.
Getting professional support, counseling and therapies can be a life saver. Sometimes just understanding the way our brains work can help us understand why we feel the way we do. Talk to your GP and they can prescribe 10 sessions per calendar year under a mental health care plan to minimise the cost of psychological help.
Good luck

[white knight]

Hi ,welcome

Mary and LN are spot on, a trip to your GP wont be wasted.

Sometimes we can have childhood trauma and minimalise it, therefore not even discount it as a bearing on our lives. Such was the case of my visit to a psych 10 years ago (I am 63yo) . I sat there being asked "what happened in your childhood" several times and each time I discounted it. Then my wife said- what about your brother? Bang! it hit me- see at 12yo my older brother nearly drowned in our backyard pool. Cut a long story short he was ok but I didnt talk one word for 3 months. I'd always put it down to growing up as did my parents. In my case it resulted in a medical condition called dysthymia. One symptom is crying a lot, often and depression.

By the end of the session I was also diagnosed with bipolar. So you can imagine finally I found out the reasons I was the way I am and with correct medication I have been kicking goals ever since.

It is not unlike a backyard mechanic with a badly running engine. He can tinker for days trying this or that to get it running right then takes it to a mechanic and the mechanic, with his experience, sees a loose plug lead, puts it on correctly and fixes the problem. No different with a proper diagnosis by a qualified medical person. Do it once, do it right.

Other illnesses as Mary pointed out are heritatory. Another reason to get it sorted to distinguish this.

I hope you find peace in your travels and keep here posting as often as you like.

TonyWK

[Dannii90]

Hi El,

reading your post was like reading my life! I have always felt like something wasn’t right with my feelings and behaviours but I’ve never been able to work it out. I also feel as though something terrible happened to me when I was young but that I’ve suppressed it. I have everything you mentioned in your post as well as intimacy issues and trust issues. Although I hope nothing happened I have this inner sense something did and sometimes I believe it would be easier to know the truth so I could explain who I am and get help to move on. I have never had the strength to be open about what I really feel to anyone because I am afraid of their reaction. I hope you do seek support from a trusted gp and I think taking your text would be a great idea.
Just thought I’d reply to let you know you’re not alone.

D

[Jayla]

I hope you are all doing okay. I also feel as though I have repressed memories but I am convinced it is my brain's way of looking for a core issue to pin blame to. I thought I was alone in this, but it seems many people can relate.