Can’t help the ones I love most

Stephens_son · ‎05-05-2020

As a child I was sent to a family group home to finish grade 9 and 10 After waging school constantly . Whilst there I was molested for 12 months straight , every night . After leaving the home I never returned to mum and dads and Blame them for what happened . I’ve had very little to do with them for 35 years . No party’s no celebrations no picnics . I lived a Loners life and let very few people into my life . I can’t work because of ptsd and secondary major depressive disorder. Mum died 24 years ago . I had nothing to do with dad until the last 2 years . He came to my house more and more over the last ten years . For the last two years he has heart disease. I have been there for him taking him everywhere he had to go . Meals , washing , medication . It was costing me money . Twice a day for over 12 months I was there everyday . He had 4 falls in 12 months . This last time I told the hospital I can’t do it anymore . He is now in a home . Now it’s really effecting me . He has rang and asked why I put him there . I tried to tell him he needs 24 hr care and I just can’t do it . I have my 10 year old daughter who lives with me and a 14 year old who lives with her mum . I have spend no quality family time with them . We have missed out on life . This man I call dad is actually my great uncle only by defacto relationship.so I’m not even related , yet here I am . Doing all this for him while in lockdown . And yes I did come into contact with a positive covid case whilst getting his tablets from the chemist and had to isolate . He has a biological daughter and son but they have nothing to do with him . I feel so used . I have my own problems . I’ve just shut down . I won’t answer any phone calls ,i just want to walk away and leave him in the home like he done to me . I’m hurting so much . I feel the worst ive ever been . This is just a fraction of what I have done for him . Help

Sophie_M · ‎06-05-2020

Hi Stephen,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here. It was very brave of you to do so and we are so sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now.

Our forums are a great place to give and receive support from others who are or have experienced something similar to you.

They are not, however, immediate or a substitute for counselling. We'd strongly recommend you reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. Both are available to provide support and advice 24/7. If the coronavirus restrictions are the main source of you unease at the moment, then we'd also recommend taking a look at out dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service where you will find a lot of targeted information as well as another 24/7 helpline staffed by specially trained mental health professionals.

We hope you'll find our valued forums community helpful as this is a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place.

Croix · ‎06-05-2020

Dear Stephens son~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. It's a hard thing to post here, however I think it may help..

Life has been pretty grim. Although you have been concentrating on the situation with your "dad" there's a lot more than that which has led you to feel as you do now.

You were separated from home, had the most terible time in the home and then fended for yourself. So even at that age you had experienced abandonment, lack of care and abuse.

It is not surprising you did not return to your mum and dad. Since then you have had a relationship which has unfortunately ended in separation, with one girl with your ex, and one with you.

Even though you have PTSD, depression and no reason to feel anything for you former family your sense of duty and your kindness has led you to be your "dad"'s carer, being the person who took on responsibility for him. That's been two years of heavy load with matters deteriorating.

Now he is in a home, and that is the best place. Falls are a real danger and people have to move to full time supervised care as a result. Your role is over.

Yes it is hard to deal with him saying you put him there. It realy means though either his thinking is diminished or he is selfish, not appreciating all you've done or even caring about you.

Nobody is an inexhaustible well of strenght, and you have tried so hard you have used up all in you. I don't think it at all surprising you don't answer the phone and want to walk away from him.

At the moment that's probably the best thing you can do. He has adult children, they have their duty, you cannot make up for their shortcomings - where would you stop?

You need support and a chance to feel better - which takes time and less pressure - and if possible love. Is anyone there for you?

You have two girls, 10 and 14. In your life you have had example after example of how not to being up children, have you managed to turn that around and avoid those pitfalls? With PTSD and depression that is no easy task (I know too)

I had parents who under different circumstances totally separated from me. Hard but I learned what love really was (they had none for me) and have used that lesson as a parent, hopefully an OK one despite my mental condition.

Can I ask how do you get on with your daughters? Also are you up to parenting?

Stephens son - I know I've left out a lot of things in this one post.

I'd like it if we could talk some more, you deserve to know how good you are

Croix

white knight · ‎06-05-2020

Hi, welcome

I just wanted to say that you should feel no guilt whatsoever for putting your “dad” in care. The fact is- We’ll all end up there one day and he is cared for.

My wife and I are approaching the same situation and we will make the same decision as you.

If you can google the following it might help-

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

beyondblue topic worry worry worry

beyondblue topic inner peace the glory of being YOU

I hope they help. Feel welcome to continue posting

TonyWK

Stephens_son · ‎28-05-2020

Thank you all for your reply’s . But I’m on the bottom now . ive Done my best to put dads assets into the public trust but now all his family are against me . Even his 85+ year old sister is saying that I said to her. ‘’ I’m not getting anything from the will so I’m going to take everything now “‘ and she’s saying I said it to other family members whilst swearing on her death I did. Dads family has even been noted by a hospital social worker for trying to lie and say someone was living there to keep his house . They even want to put him into cheaper care and handle all his financial affairs . I was his appointed power of attorney but declined for this very reason . They are saying I’m parking around the corner from his house at night and sneaking around and talking stuff . Even said I stole a recliner lounge with a Ute and they have the rego number . I now have lost the family I’ve known since they had guardianship on me since I was young for doing the right thing . I’m really struggling with being labelled a thief on top of what I have gone through . I’m the only one who wanted it in the hands of the public trust . And after caring for their blood relative I get treated like this . Not many options from here

Sophie_M · ‎28-05-2020

Hi Stephens son,

We are very grateful that you've returned to update us on how you're going, but we're so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. It sounds like things have become even more stressful and difficult to cope with. But please know that our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email. Please don't forget that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). We hope that you continue to check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.