Supporting a girlfriend who has been sexually abused in the past

[BobFisher3]

Hello, thanks for your time. I have been dating a girl for a little over 4 months and I have noticed a major change in behaviour. On the night we began a relationship I found out my girlfriend had been sexually abused as both a child and young adult. She told ne she didn't like sex and I reassured her I was okay with this. A month or so in she began to make a few moves on me and we had some intimate touching (no intercourse). About 2 months later we had sex and I was a bit confused as she had said she didnt want to, so I went slowly and made sure the wholw time she knew I care about her and she shouldnt be scared to say if she wanted to stop. From then on things have gone downhill. She no longer is willing to cuddle / hold hands / have me within a 1m radius. I've talked to her a few times and reassured her that I don't care if we ever have sex again or not. I love this girl and just enjoy being around her and spending time together. She told me cuddles are good before sex but now we have had it there is an expectation that we have to do it again. Ive tried to tell her thats not the case at all. She is still uncomfortable however. She has just moved home and she is quite stressed. I believe this is also part of the reason why she is so distanced at the moment. She sees a doctor to help with her depression and she is on medication.

She has told me her shes having troubles with anexiety also. Little things annoy her at the moment, such as leaving a bag in a wrong place etc. We have talked about it and she said it makes her feel bad that she is annoyed by it as it then makes me feel bad. I'm now trying to not 'let it get to me' when she complains about something small. Been doing it for a few days and not sure if its helping yet or not.

With the worry about cuddling I've tried to staybat mine more rather than staying at hers. (I had practically moved in beforehand; this change is also partly due to me getting a new job). I've looked through the articles on this website and maybe giving her space is the wrong thing to do?

I want to know if there is something I can do to help her through this tough time? Normally I'd hug someone when they are upset or feeling down. I understand why she has this personal space issue and id really like to know how I can support her from afar? Today I completely cleaned her house while she is out and left a note with a couple of chocolates. Is this the right course of action or should I look at coming to the doctor with her?

[blondguy]

Hello Bob

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting too!

You are a kind person by caring the way you do. If I may ask...has your friend seen a counselor for the abuse she has gone through or is her doctor helping on the sexual abuse?

Giving your friend gentle support would be beneficial. Having some space occasionally may help too.

It is good that she is seeing a therapist for her depression and taking the meds. I have had depression for 20 years and on meds. The meds can have an adverse effect on sex drive however.

If your friend agrees I think that offering to accompany her to her doctors is a kind gesture. It will also help you understand and provide some clarity where her depression is concerned.

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Bob. You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish if you have any queries or concerns.

My kind thoughts for you both

Paul

[TheSteve]

Thanks for sharing Bob. You are a good soul, obviously a top bloke who cares deeply for this woman. It is a shame what happened to her, through no fault or choice of her own, and that it has naturally affected her in this way.

I think Paul has provided some great advice - support and some space, and go and see a doctor with her if she is willing. This will help foster communication and you'll learn a thing or two about her, her behaviour, and what she is experiencing in these sessions also.

Another thing I will say is that she may, at times, need a firm hand in certain situations. Clearly you are accommodating her pain and the residual emotional effects in a big way, which is very big of you. At times however, she may need some resistance just to let her know that her pain, suffering, and the residual effects of this can not and should not control the tenor of the relationship with you. Just something to keep in mind, when the situation calls for it.

All the best mate, we are here to chat anytime.

Steve

[Dr_Kim]

Oh Bob , I am wondering if you are going to love me or hate me for what i am going to say but here goes..

When I hear your story, I think two things .

1. I think what an awesome guy you are , and I’m not just saying that . It seems that you are thoughtful , kind and able to set aside your own needs for the sake of others when they are in crisis and this shows some real “adult” behaviours.

However…

2. I wonder if you are working harder than she is at dealing with her issues.I hear she is on medication but maybe she needs more comprehensive treatment or to let you into what the treatment plan is. I am a little nervous about the dynamic that you may be setting up with this woman of you being the “fixer” or accommodator at the expense of your own needs . Some people can fall into the trap of feeling that that is the only way that they will be needed or wanted by someone - if they put their needs aside and just put everything into attending to the other . Sometimes that dynamic started in early childhood .. but in any case , I don’t think this is always a good basis for a relationship as it can easily get tiresome for one or other of the pair. Just check in with yourself and be confident that you can put YOUR needs fairly and squarely on the table in the early stages on the relationship. Maybe you do need affection , communication , stability , reassurance …? to be heard?

Be a wonderful boyfriend but not at the expense of your wonderful self. You deserve things too.

[Cornstarch]

You are very sweet and caring. Your poor girlfriend. There are just no words for this crime. I was 5 and decades later it is still affecting me. It always will. I have accepted that now.

The horrible reality is that interpersonal traumas down the track are triggered in interpersonal contexts. Memory is sensory and as safe as you sound she is being triggered. That's the cruelty of it. Everything comforting is actually now a reminder. That said, it certainly does not have to be that way forever. She can absolutely positively improve and live a full life with intimacy included in it.

Personally, I would need space too. Everyone is different, some people are the opposite, they throw themselves into reactive attachment after reactive attachment after reactive attachment and they quite simple can never ever ever be alone.

Maybe her wanting to be alone is a sign of strength and not depressive weakness. She is the only person that knows.

What she needs are highly trained professionals that can tell the difference between "depressive withdrawal" and "withdrawing to re-build". This means that she also has to be a good communicator because lots of people lie to their therapists or simply do not have the self awareness to be able to describe their feelings.

As insane as this sounds, I bet she is still in shock, especially if it happened when she was really little. Survivors of this crime are in shock for decades. You have to titrate the shock because your nervous system will go into overwhelm. You would never believe the things we tell ourselves in our own heads to delay the shock!

As hard as it is to accept maybe the kindest thing right now would be not to pursue an intimate partnership. I know that is tough because attraction is attraction and we just fall for people. We can't help it.

The childhood sexual abuse club is a bloody big club. I hope she meets others that she can chat to down the track, because once the shock lifts it's the grief and sadness for everything that you lost and "could have been" that is hardest to come to terms with. I was stolen. Some people never make it as far as the grief because the trauma was just too horrific. I hope she does, because after grief comes renewal.