Can't pull out of it

lavendar · ‎08-09-2016

I have suffered depression on and off since I had my daughter - I had had a fantastic last 2 years with no anxiety or depression although I still take meds. I recently came out of a relationship I now understand was very toxic. I fell in love with someone I knew was bad for me, when I tried to discuss issues I was having with him, he dismissed them as being my problem, he didn't seem to want to work on anything with me. Cut a long story short, we had a fight, he did a couple of things over the next week and I distanced myself completely - in fact I went completely numb. I knew I could no longer be in the relationship, when he contacted me I pushed back any sexual suggestions and focused on life - but i was still numb in my heart. He came to my house at 3am about 3 weeks later, was very drunk and attacked me mentally over a 3 hour period and left "love bites" all up my arm and on my chest which were very painful when he was doing them but he kept pulling my arm to him and biting harder. He was saying some really degrading and things that I just didnt understand. In the morning I asked him if he remembered what he had done, he said yes, I still don't know if he did. Anyway, my arm and chest were black in bruising, when he msg'd me a couple of days later I just lost it. I didn't know at the time but I had PTSD symptoms from the incident. I have no contact with him now - I just cannot deal with what he did nor understand what I did to deserve it. I have put on a brave face pulling myself up to finish assignments and exams but I am now 2 months later completely empty inside. I was so happy, confident and strong in my job and study before I met him and I just lost myself. I just can't shake this empty feeling I have - no feelings and I just don't care at the core. I am trying hard to get out and do things, have made some social group connections but I can't stop replaying what happened and understand how he could do that to me. I hope this makes sense.

Zeal · ‎10-09-2016

Hi Lavender,

You sound like a strong and caring lady whose life has been thrown off course by this man.
Definitely seek professional help to deal with the traumatic incident/PTSD. Seeing your doctor (GP) about this (and mentioning your history of anxiety and depression) is crucial. Your doctor may also refer you to someone, such as a psychologist.

You sound busy with your job and study. Do you live alone? If so, could you have a family member stay with you for a while. This will give you company and even ease some pressure with household duties. Having someone to come home to is comforting.

If you need to talk to someone at any time of day or night, please call the beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636.

The key thing is to make an appointment with your doctor soon.

Best wishes,

SM

lavendar · ‎11-09-2016

Thank you SM.

I live with my 18yo daughter, so again I try to be strong for her as I do not have any other family. I did manage to eat and sleep well over the weekend which helped my anxiety alot. If it does not settle down I will definitely be seeing a doctor - I have never experienced it this intensely nor for so long. Thank you for the phone number - I will call it if I need to.

romantic_thi3f · ‎15-09-2016

Hi lavendar,

I completely agree with what SM has said and strongly encourage you to talk to someone about what you have had to experience. You do not need to wait until it has gotten worse either; things like these are often best talked about sooner. I just want to note too that it is not uncommon to 'replay' things in our heads.

What sort of things do you find help you when you start to 'replay'? Some people find that mindfulness and relaxation skills can be useful; reminding yourself that you are safe, here and providing yourself comfort. Often when things like this happen we can get angry or frustrated with ourself for replaying a situation that happened - but it's our brain's way of processing it so wrapping yourself up in self-compassion is crucial during this time.

lavendar · ‎17-09-2016

Any mention of him triggers the replay so I am being avoidant of discussing and have set up a new social circuit to avoid him and any people he may know. I do feel like though anyone I do talk to "knows" what happened and is judging me. I know - it sounds crazy. I am finding I just need to keep busy, keep focused on work/study etc, and keep booking social engagements to get out and face this demon. Part of my social engagements are relaxation based such as going for a walk, yoga, meditation type activities. My anxiety has improved alot now I am eating and sleeping better. I am at least starting to believe in myself I can move on from this as a stronger person.