Struggling with intimacy after leaving an unhealthy relationship

[Island11]

I left my partner in July last year, it’s painful to think about how bad things got but our settlement is finished and I have started to think about new relationships.
I have started seeing someone but I can’t cope with the physical intimacy.
When I go to his house and he opens the door for me, my entire body tenses up. I feel as though when I walk through that door, he is going to push me against the wall and be physical with me. I also can’t kiss this man because I am scared if i do things will progress further than I am ready and I won’t be able to stop it.
He has initiated sexual contact a few times and I feel frozen in fear, unable to say no or stop the situation but he is able to read my body language and never pushes the issue.

how do I move past this? I don’t want to be like this forever.

[Boudica]

Hello Island11,

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know it can be hard to overcome fear of intimacy as I have the same problem. Unfortunately I don't really have any answers, as I am just coping with it by avoiding relationships all together just now, but mine is probably not the best strategy. There is likely others on the forum that can offer more insight.

Perhaps you could explain your past to him, not necessarily in detail but enough that he understands that you are going to need a bit of time and space to explore safe touching without expectation of it proceeding to something else (I know this is a really difficult conversation to have). If you are sure you want to explore a slight touch or kiss maybe you could try it first in an environment that feels safe and where it can't progress to something else eg. outside at a public place like a park. Choose an environment that is very different from where any past trauma has taken place. I guess the objective is to gradually desensitize yourself. Best of luck.

[Island11]

Thanks Boudica

I have briefly explained the dynamic of the relationship to him and I think he is able to guess the rest. He is patient but it has been 4 months of seeing each other and I sense frustration. It feels that the longer it goes on the bigger the hurdle is. It’s left me really confused about how I feel about this person now, am not interested in him sexually or is it my intimacy issues holding me back. It’s all really confusing tbh

[Boudica]

Hello,

It is just so hard, I understand. I'm sorry I don't have the answers for you. I have been there though. I know you start to feel the pressure, even if they are trying to not pressure you, there is just a question mark in the air all the time and it wears you out. When I had a relationship, I had already known the guy (as a friend for 3 years) then it still took another 6 months in to when we started a relationship for me to be able to cope with him touching me, and to be honest the first time was awful. I thought I had made a mistake because it was so hard to split my feelings of panic and stress from what I felt for him. However, things did get better. We broke up though, when we were having problems when our son was young and I was having terrible nightmares and suffering pnd.

Some others had very kind replies to my first post, you will find them here if you would like a different perspective: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/how-do-you-overcome-a-fear-of-intimacy-following-trauma-

I hope you find a path that feels right to you.

[geoff]

Hello Island, and a warm welcome to the site and very much appreciate Boudica's comments.

You have left a relationship because of problems that arose and just because now you want to enter into another friendship, doesn't necessarily mean that being intimate should automatically happen straight away, so this new person has to accept that there could still be some issues you don't feel comfortable in doing, being intimate requires both parties to agree and not because he wants it, without any consideration on how you feel about this particular situation.

A new relationship means getting to know each other and then accepting when you both feel comfortable going that extra step, because a strong emotional connection has to develop in your own time first of all rather than getting involved physically in this particular occasion.

An understanding person should realise this, because doing what only he wants may be detrimental in your own recovery and could push you further into doubt about being with someone, develop your friendship with him and when the time is ready, he will know.

Take care.

Geoff.

[S_D]

Hey Island11,

Thanks for sharing this with us on the forums. I am so sorry to hear about how bad things were with your ex, this never should have happened to you as no one ever deserves to be treated badly by the person who is supposed to be their loved one. I hope you have been able to seek some professional support e.g. counselling to process what happened in your last relationship. After all it really wasn't that long ago and it makes total sense that you are reacting in the way you are to this new person in your life after what you've been through. Please be super gentle and kind to yourself and take all the time you need to move forward in this new relationship. You have every right to wait for as long as you need to feel comfortable to take this relationship to a point where there is more physical intimacy (if thats what you decide you want and if you feel safe to do this) and if they are the right person for you they will completely understand that and put no pressure on you to do anything until you are 100% ready. I agree with Boudica that it might be a good idea to communicate as openly as you can to this person about why it's so hard for you at the moment to be physical with them. I think if they understood how your past is affecting your present they would be able to not take any of this personally and let you take the lead in this area when and if you are ready to with them, maybe if it's too hard to have this chat in person you could even mention it to them over sms or in a phone conversation? It's been less then a year since you went through everything with your ex and it's completely normal for it to take more time then that to be able to consider having another intimate relationship with a new person although I do believe with time and support you will be able to move past what you've gone through and have an amazing time with the right person 🙂