Struggling to leave

Allie78 · ‎26-03-2019

Hello. This is my first time making a post and I am feeling a bit anxious about it. I have been in a relationship for 4yrs and we have a beautiful 3yr old daughter together. For awhile now the relationship has been emotionally abusive. He has never been physically violent but I also know that it can become physical very quickly..If I am to be completely honest though...I think it has always been abusive. I look back now and I can see alot of red flags...I know I HAVE to leave and I really want to leave but I am finding it much harder than I thought I would. I have been seeing a councilor who has been helping with a safety plan and talking me through disconnecting emotionally. I also have a very dear friend who is very supportive. I got up today and I wanted to just leave and not look back but I was scared that if I left I would come back. I am very rearly happy anymore and my partner's behavior is affecting our daughter too. His abuse is never directed at her but I also know it doesn't have to be to affect her. I also know the longer I stay the harder it will be to leave. One of the things that makes me stay is I don't want to leave anything behind. Stupid I know because my life, my daughter's life and our mental health is worth more than anything I have in my house. I suppose I am just really struggling to except what I know I have to do, not just for myself but, also for my daughter. I feel so lost!! Can anyone please offer me some advice?

geoff · ‎26-03-2019

Hello Allie, thanks for posting your comment and very sorry for the situation you're in.

Ending an abusive relationship and it doesn't matter whether it's physical or emotional abuse isn't easy, and you may not be sure where to begin.

You have all your belongings and your daughter needs to be considered, but you need to be able to live in a loveable relationship and it's your right to feel safe and be treated with respect.

There are many reasons why you want to stay in your home and for him to leave, so can you get an AVO ( Apprehended Violence Order) and if so, you have to make sure the house is secure.

One of the best security alarms is by having a dog, they hear everything and will let you know if anybody is outside.

If you feel as though you want to contact a lawyer, but you can let us know where you are at the moment.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

GoodWitch · ‎26-03-2019

It's ok to find this hard. Ending any relationship is hard and yours being abusive I'm sure it's effected your confidence and you have a lot of fear associated with the thought of confronting your partner. If you think he will become violent, it's perfectly ok to sneak out one day, if you have a plan about where to go and what to do at least initially. It sounds like the counsellor is being helpful there, it's just a matter of you realising you deserve a life without emotional abuse and taking the steps.

Are you able to sneak any precious things out to be held by someone else for now? Maybe just a few small things that he won't notice... or like I said, arrange to have everything removed one day while he's out.

I hope you find the strength soon. All the best to you

GW

therising · ‎26-03-2019

Hi Allie78, I welcome you with an open heart and mind and wish I could be there with open arms as well.

I imagine the hardest thing you face at the moment is the challenge of changing your identity. Whilst staying allows you to remain the same person (which is in some ways comfortable), leaving means you will have to establish a new you. Fear of the unknown perhaps relates to questions such as 'Who do I need to be? Who am I going to be? Can I be this person?' You are fortunate to have some key people in your life who can act as guides for you, such as your friend, your counselor and daughter. See them as a compass as you navigate toward the life you want.

Personally I see my son and daughter as being 2 of my greatest teachers and guides in life. I imagine this is the same for you or you wouldn't be contemplating leaving. I imagine your daughter is teaching you what love really looks like. I imagine she is the one silently guiding you to leave, based on you considering the idea that a person deserves a safe and nurturing environment (yourself included).

Changing who we are typically involves some trades. For example:

Trading dependence on a spouse for independence
Trading the current home for a home free of turmoil and fear
Trading the familiar for new experiences

The list goes on.

I believe one key question in life which can often help in making the best decision is 'Am I trading up or am I trading down?' With every major decision we make, trading up will take us to new heights. Trading down will take us to new lows. Seek a life which aims to feed the soul, do not settle for a life where you feel (day by day) you are trading pieces of it.

Take care of yourself and your divine little compass (your daughter, your angel). And keep in mind, that which keeps you anchored to the life you have will not allow you to reach new heights.

Allie78 · ‎26-03-2019

Thank you to all who offered some very helpful advice. I am going to continue to see my councilor and just try to take it one step at a time as long as I am safe to do so. I have an emergency plan in place and I try not to be around him to often through out day and he works nights so I know while he isn't home we are safe and free from his abuse for some time.

geoff · ‎26-03-2019

Hi Allie, thanks for your reply.

If he works at night time, this can lead to his different moods when he gets home, so please be careful of how he treats you and your daughter, temperaments can change.

People who work night-shifts do a wonderful job, but for some reason, they think that they are better than someone who works during the day.

I've done both day and night shifts, but night time people expect more sympathy than those who work during the day, that's the shift they want or have been chosen for.

Take care.

Geoff.