Shame, disgust, guilt and self-loathing

[tired_14]

I have been living with C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and an ED since I was a child. Every time I feel like I have taken a step...I find myself hitting rock bottom again. I just feel so incredibly disgusted in myself from the many many years of childhood and adulthood SA from my family. I hate myself and feel so ashamed....I can't help but feel like this is what is holding me back. Stopping me from learning to live rather than just existing. How do I do it? How do I move on from the guilt, disgust, hatred, shame and self-loathing?

[smallwolf]

Hello.

one step forward, one step back... my black and white mind would think that. Eventually, I would find stories I could tell myself to make it easier to cope/deal with. I wonder how you feel now compared to last month, or last year?

There is a strength in you to make it from day to day, week to week and month to month. 

One of the stories I use is about a journey to the top of a mountain. When things get bad... it is like going down into a valley. The valley has to end at some point and you are on your way up again. You may find a new path and one that is easier. Even when you are in the valley ... it is temporary and you are not where you started. (At least this is my story.)

There will always be days when things go wrong.

If the story does not work, then some sort of quote like "I am doing the best I can and that is good enough" or "I am worthy no matter what".

Do you hate yourself for not moving forward? Or something else?

Brene Brown describes the difference  between guilt and shame as  - guilt is "I did something bad" and shame is "I am bad". It is hard to change those thoughts. What I can say is, what happened to you was wrong and bad and you did not deserve that.  

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear tired,

Im really very sorry that you went through all that…I am a survivor of many many years of childhood abuse..trying to escape it all, I married the first boy that I met…which was a huge  mistake because he turned out to be a cruel narcissist and I endured 38 years of DV and abuse…..

I felt like you, for many years….what you’re describing yourself to feeling like, after my late husband passed away….I just fell into a deep dark depression and constantly fell into PTSD depressions caused by triggers….a few got so bad that my professionals admitted into a mental health hospital…..

Always blaming myself, hating myself I was in a bad way….but one thing I did learn, is that we have no reason to feel guilt, shame, disgust in ourselves at all, we were unwilling victims to people that have done a criminal offence against us…..We had no power to stop them…But we do have the power to not let their abuse take over the rest of our lives, I mean why should we let them win?….

After many years of being damaged by others, I learnt to start caring for myself…(after all no one else will)…You, me and others of abuse of any kind have to try really hard to know that as individuals we matter…you are the first priority of your given care…

Triggers still happen to me, but most times…not all times, but most times I can distract those unhealthy thoughts and memories by keeping my busy, with things I like to do…which is mostly sitting outside and grounding myself in the beauty of what nature has to offer me….listening to birds singing, watching the clouds, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin…maybe that won’t for you, their are many other ways though, singing a long with a song you know, doing a hobby you like….Unfortunately these memories of abuse, will always be within us…and as our mind can only think of one thing at a time, when you’re triggered down into ptsd…as quickly as you can…please try hard to distract your mind onto something else….maybe search “Grounding ourselves, what is and how do we”….there are many ideas and suggestions on how to quickly ground ourselves when triggered into depression..

Do you have professionals looking after your mental health?…if not can I gently urge you to reach out to your Dr…who is their to help you..

Sending you my kindest thoughts and care….

Grandy..