Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix

I see that you have trademarked Real Life. "Aha!" I said, "So that's the scoundrel!" & immediately began penning a letter of complaint.

Ha ha :).

Sir Roger is as dry as the Sahara & I thoroughly agree that his buddying up with Sir Humphrey would result in aching ribs & many intervals for dashes to the ladies room! We 3 are agreed re graffiti.

True being stretched too far & since I've lost much of my elasticity won't be setting up business atm & will focus upon navel-gazing, graffiti & the pursuit of contentment. The latter is my biggest challenge.

Your words always encourage me. You know your stuff. Since I fell into the Deep again recently I have relied upon your frank but kind "rabbiting on" to remind me of what really matters. Thank you.

My site has the same anonymity as in here - my first name only, no photos etc. I learned about anonymity in a 12 Step program for families of addicts - without it there's no trust & safety is compromised. It's not published yet though - will be a while as I fill it up somewhat.

My recent dunk in the Deep has me soul-searching a lot. Why? How? What happened? Did I dive in or fall in? Martyrdom & victimhood are banned - did I weaken? Or did I disobey the pool-rules, run too close to the edge & slip? Perhaps the little white pills are failing? Dopamine depletion? A pot of l-tyrosine will fix that. Are they just band-aids?

Really we're always Peri; the past is gone & the future arrives only in moments. Science is starting to join those of us who know the obvious - taking good parent's baby results in trauma in every moment for life. The stone throwers continue unabated - shall I cease inhabiting the Laurie-sized space under the Mt Everest pile? I believe I will. I'm not qualified to return fire with my own stones, tempting as that is, but I have noticed that Truth bothers them, resulting in batteries of boulder-sized stones aimed my way. Patience, kindness, self-control along with quiet statements of truth with its fraternal twin of grace really gets under their skin. It's odd & smells like rats. Hmm

Anyway, my goal is this: to learn contentment. Perhaps a mental segregation of some sort? That's hard since my body ALWAYS seeks our baby - it's a female bodily thing, a part of its design otherwise babies would often be forgotten at shopping centres. Phoebe helped me realise that my stony silence (ha!) enables them. Atm all I know is that I must find a Way to live with this cos it's killing me.

Yours

Laurie

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Laurie,

Am smiling as I read your letters, appreciating your insights...which I GET. (I didn’t shout that, just vigorously nodded 😉)

Over the years, I’ve been privileged to share conversations with natural mothers and adopted adults through forums, in daily life....and the constant thread is of desperate loss, even in the face of seeming ‘gain’.

An unthinkable loss which is not recognised or supported in our daily lives.

So, if I were to break down at a Xmas family party, and cry for the son that I lost to adoption, I’d likely hear this...

´But Phoebe, you made the best choice and he has had a good upbringing and a loving Mum and Dad..you can’t change the past’

Of course, but the loss remains to me as an adult woman, a thwarted and bereaved Mother. My baby was taken.

And - a powerful and sacred bond was given no place. Mother and child.

Now, this I speak here, to you - whilst my son (with whom I reunited 20 years ago) only gets the best of me, the steadfast Mother in me.

As I mentioned before, life has by no means been a messy heap of nothing.

But as I know and you know, each day was carved out from a place that is in deep hurt, even if buried in ice. At 15 years old, I learnt the trick of numbing, splitting off from emotions.

When I woke up to my reality, when I finally found my son, saw him, held him, breathed him in....I later experienced the real meltdown.

I said to my husband - ‘I haven’t lived my life, I made my life, the house of cards is tumbling’ - and both of us knew, this was a terrifying thing.

Like you, I don’t live like a victim...but then a bad season blows through - and I’m weakened, on my knees.

I had no further children after my little baby boy. As an only child, I found myself bearing all emotional responsibility as my elderly parents had no idea how to deal with this ‘teenage pregnancy’ - they could barely meet my 15 yr old eyes.

The shame poured on me from authority figures, the world around me - arghh, what can I say.

It was another world, another time.

And we’ve been silent survivors.

I have faith. I know there are glorious days and times of happiness - I’ve had them...ahead there will be more.

But right now, the going feels tough.

And I just seek peace. ❤️

Can you tell me more about your blog?

Yesterday I walked a good four hours along the coast. Starting to feel more grounded. Going to get out and do the same today 😎

PS. I need to watch some ‘Yes Minister’ re-runs!

[PhoebeWings]

Anyway, my goal is this: to learn contentment. Perhaps a mental segregation of some sort? That's hard since my body ALWAYS seeks our baby - it's a female bodily thing, a part of its design otherwise babies would often be forgotten at shopping centres.

Yes, yes, yes.

[PhoebeWings]

Hey Laurie,

Just checking in - hope you are finding some breathing space after Xmas etc.

And hope you are feeling stronger....

No need to reply - but you’ve been in my thoughts - am around to listen if you want, at anytime.

I’m not sure if my last reply was helpful to you, we are all after all, at different stages of a very personal journey....I hope it wasn’t over triggering or upsetting.

A warm hug to you,

Phoebe.

[LaurieD]

Hey Phoebe 🙂

All is fine lovely lady! I've thought of you every day & go to reply then get distracted by what it is I thought of about something you said & again don't reply! I'm sorry. You won't upset me so feel free to be you. I won't leave you hanging again.

I'm seeking "something" to resolve an issue. You said, ´But Phoebe, you made the best choice and he has had a good upbringing and a loving Mum and Dad..you can’t change the past’. I GET that too!

I suppress/hide my grief etc due to such comments; why? They mean well yet their words cut deep; why? It seems to gloss over things. I seek good responses to their painful comments.

Eg:
"Atm I'm grieving the loss of my son, not seeking reassurance of my 'choice', so I wonder why you're offering that rather than empathy? Is it you who needs it?"

"If I grant your opinion that I freely chose the ultimate loving self-sacrifice via adoption of my son, I wonder why you'd offer me your assessment of how it's all 'turned out so well' as comfort? Are you crediting the positive outcome to my 'choice'? If my son had been abused/murdered, as has often happened, would you credit that outcome to me too? I didn't choose the adopters nor had any say in how they treated my son. Perhaps you're just relieved that the gamble paid off? Maybe your trust in the social workers etc as they created a new family using my son was well placed. How did they earn your trust? Do you think I trusted them?

It is true that the past can't be changed but the truth is that I'm not grieving the past. The 'choice' made to r'sh is in the past but the sacrifice is for life. I'm glad to know my son today but how would that end my grief? What's changed? He's still adopted, I'm not his mum etc. The sacrifice is in every moment of every today until my death. It's an is, never a was, a living sacrifice; the good/bad outcome doesn't revert the sacrifice. Is my grief today not a logical & natural consequence? Aren't sacrifices painful? If you credit my sacrificial choice with the good outcome for my son, why then do you not honour the pain & consequences of my sacrifice via empathy, mourning with me or giving me the freedom to openly grieve?

It appears that your knowledge & understanding of adoption is limited; I'm happy to educate you about it. Shall we begin with the definition of 'choice'?"

I try to rationalise & find ways to respond to the heart-stabbing comments, ill-intended or not. I need to love me too.

A big hug to you too :).

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie (with a friendly wave to Phoebe)

First off replying here in the forum is not like a face to face conversation, and one has to expect gaps -from oneself as well as others. I've mentioned something along those lines before however it is important to remember, the gaps are natural. If one does not realise this then guilt may stop one from writing again, which would be a tragedy as I believe you are getting a real trickle of help to you life here.

I've had to come to this conclusion as I often have to leave a thread for a while, and then after making the plunge see the return has been accepted and is effective.

The other thing I wanted to say is you have two hurts in your last post. The original one of course, the loss of your baby, and another that I'm sure must be a constant irk to say the least. That is the words of most others.

It would be so typical for people to earnestly talk of good solutions, that it was 'all for the best', or 'you chose wisely' or that 'there was no choice' or ... well you get the idea.

In fact their attempts to ease your burden - which are probably genuine for the most part - only serve to emphasize the gap between them and you, caused by lack of true understanding and by giving way to the urge to fix - in this case offering you what the imagine is a scrap of comfort.

You are stoic, steadfast and sensitive, and live in constant pain. Part mental and emotional, part almost physical, a bond severed and never healed as these is no mechanism for it.

If people thought about your loss in the same terms of someone who had lost both lower limbs their reactions would be different, no 'its all for the best', instead they would probably go down the path of 'it could have been worse'

The truth is there are no words that fit. Sometimes actions do. Sometimes silence. Sometimes tears.

Perhaps when confronted with such earnest would-be comforters you might do worse than adopt Bernard Woolley's words:
I advise you consider your position carefully, perhaps adopting a more flexible posture, while keeping your ear to the ground, covering your retreat and watching your rear.

Croix

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Croix,

Can I say thank you and bless you for your deep understanding - your words are comforting - to be ‘heard’ for women like ‘us’ means so much.

I just wanted to make sure that Laurie had understood that I absolutely respected any time lapse regarding comms on this thread... my concern was that I had written something that was unhelpful to her current mental and emotional state, I just wanted to reassure her that I was thinking of her.

Writing and exchanging our thoughts on a forum can be incredibly validating and enriching, but we can’t see our listener, read their face, know their circumstance in the very minute they read - we can’t physically comfort and touch to keep our listener feeling regarded and safe.

Thenks again for your kind words,

Phoebe

[PhoebeWings]

Hey Laurie,

I woke up to have my early morning coffee in bed, with snoozy cat by my side...sun filtering through trees and kookaburras going mad!

After reading the news, I popped in here 🙂

Just know, I certainly didn’t expect you to reply in a certain time frame, if any dear Laurie - I just was a little concerned that I may have written something that had been too triggering - we’re new to this conversation with each other - and we can’t read each others faces or have an insight into each other’s day 🙂

I’ll write more another time -just wanted to make sure you know that there is never any pressure from my side to reply, but I’m very very happy to know you are OK x

Holding your hand in the struggle,

Phoebe.

[LaurieD]

Hello to both of you awesome people 🙂

All's good. Tis true that many are very, very sensitive in this subject area & it doesn't take much at all to set some to flight cos the wounds are so very raw & tender. One moment here then poof! - gawn. I was like that for a long time but now I'm pretty flex & open about where I'm at. Doesn't bother me that we're in n out in here & I won't just disappear unless I'm not able to post for some reason.

Thanks for touching base - sweet of you both. Is it ok to call you sweet, Croix? A fist bump instead?

Without body language & tone it's hard, dare I say esp for women as we communicate via a multiplicity of senses and topics. This word count restriction forces me to focus on one topic - no tangents. It's like interacting blind, deaf, floating senseless in a submersion tank & with blinkers on to enforce focus upon one topic - it's not natural!

Ha ha ha.

I'm pretty frank & straight up, kindly of course. I tell people that unless I express that I have a problem, then assume there's no problems :). Some find it exasperating that pressure is ineffective on me - now. I don't want to waste a perfectly good devastating loss & a few breakdowns by continuing to be manipulatable (new word). When I'm here it's with bells on & when I'm not here I'm wearing my bells somewhere else, navel gazing & racking up adventures.

In the ebb & flow of life I've learned that I need to let people know what I'm up to with a quick note because I'm characterised by an insatiable curiosity & a hair trigger distractability... "Oh, look at that. Isn't that interesting... ". Gawn.

Your morning sounds lovely, Phoebe. I got up about 3.30am this morning. Strange dreams heading to a nightmare n woke with a jangling nervous system. But the moon was full & the breeze cool, curlews screaming their heads off (love them!), bats dropping 1/2 eaten mangoes on the neighbour's shed - bang! - and then at first light the kookaburras began. I live on a sub-tropical island so dawn is pretty special. As are the days & nights ;).

I'll be back 'ron to prattle on some more. I hope both of you have a good one :).

Laurie

[PhoebeWings]

Ms Laurie,

You sound a lot like me in many ways!

‘Gawn!’ What a brilliant word 😂