Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

I forgot to say:

Thing will surely improve, even as Sir H ( GCB KBE MVO ) said "in due course. In the fullness of time. At the appropriate juncture. When the moment is ripe. When the necessary procedures have been completed…"

-C

[LaurieD]

Hey Croix 🙂

Thank you for your tangent which I think was a good thing. I'm sad to hear about your past yet also glad to hear how you and your wife have borne this challenge. It seems you've had many losses to grieve eg your career, dreams. Your endurance is admirable. It seems you had a "something" to hang onto when things were bleakest even though you didn't know what it was until later - you didn't know the love was there, but it was. So I hear you saying to me that we - I - may have "something" inside which keeps a person motivated to embrace life, and perhaps one day may know what "it" is. I will take your word for that - thank you - and see what happens.

I do have people who love and support me, so yes you've misunderstood that :). But then I haven't shared the details of my life yet so how could you know? The thing I feel totally isolated with is this trauma stuff. The effects of loss to adoption has only been formally acknowledged recently, so undoing unhealthy yet necessary survival kits after 28 yrs ish is a shock. Avoidance worked, so did disassociation, but those things are gone now.

I learned only recently that my son's grandchildren will also legally be strangers to us. I thought only my son was adopted. So, yeah. The whole lineage is shifted to the adopters.

The way I dealt with things last year was to learn as much truth as possible eg what happened (much amnesia), who's responsible for what (not blame) & memorise some insights to hang onto & try to repeat especially when the drowning starts - REALLY hard to do. This helped to keep my brain integrated - say it out loud over n over. These insights were talking to my subconscious not only when triggered, but all the time I'd talk to my subconscious as though it was a separate person, which technically it is. I'd say things like, "That was then, this is now. Yes, evil is real & so is good. Life can be brutal, but you can be tougher." I'd cover shame, moral injury, guilt, toxic religion & so on. It's neuroplasticity (CBT, REBT, truth).

And I think of pictures. I know what my son looks like now, a few weeks ago learned his eye colour :), I've learned names & some info, so I use those things to anchor my sub-mind in today eg he's alive. He's alive, Croix! And well & happy. Happy without me - a stab in my soul - but that's better than many adoptees have. They see me as a threat tho - ouch.

Grief, silence & the past are all I've had but now Facebook is helping me know things :).

Yours

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Awesome quote. Worth doing some creative work with that & recall it often. Thank you :).

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Amendment: "... my son's children..." although his grandchildren aren't related to us either apparently.

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

You are right the PTSD is the (ongoing) result of a matter that seems, from your posts, to be the major part of your life.

These next question is horribly unimaginative and conventional but has to be asked. Is there anyway you can bring the adopted line closer and get them to trust, or at least converse with you?

Your words seem to imply you are seeing them on Facebook in their separate and unreachable world and this, to my untutored thoughts, seems to be keeping the wounds fresh.

With matters so deep it is easy for me to misunderstand and I rely upon your forbearance.

BTW to say you were 'incurable' is as destructive as it gets. I was told I was T.P.I. and I'm still influenced by that.

You mentioned a best friend before and now people that love and support you, even if you are still alone with the (P)TSD.

May I ask have you told them exactly what happens when you are in the throes of a melt down like the one from 15 March to 24 April?

Understanding may not follow. My wife never could conceive exactly what was in my head, but care and trial and error did work. Being given a warm bath may do more good than all the 'understanding' in the world.

What I'm saying may seem impractical. Trauma from the past and present is a given (and as in my case lessens in time) , but from the anticipated future it is not fixed in stone.

This does not mean a straight denial of matters, but perhaps more emphasis on your life now and it's possibilities, matters that change the proportion of your life that is bound up.

Not very original I know. An example -what would happen if you mentored a young person? That's something I've done, and it changes two lives.

After all the above you might be justified in thinking:

Hacker: You're blathering, Bernard.
Bernard: Yes, Minister.
Hacker: Why are you blathering, Bernard?
Bernard: It's my job, Minister.

Croix

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix

I hope you're going well. Love the blathering quote! Must watch again soon.

Good questions :).

Re conversing with the adoptive family - atm I'm trying to, but it's very hard for many reasons, one being that closed adoption is all about secrecy & I'm one of the lucky ones to have gotten at least some info. My ex-husband & father to all my children wasn't allowed anything. I even got into trouble for sharing our son's ID info with him cos he not legally recognised so I "shared secret info with a 3rd party" & was accused of procuring him to contact our son which risked my prosecution - the criminal stuff wasn't removed until recently. It's serious business. Legally we are total strangers.

Take everything that's common sense in r'ships & forget it. Eg they were matched with our son cos they said they'd write over the years, totally non-identifying of course, and the dept monitors all letters etc same as in prisons, but barely a year passed and the Amum stopped it. The reason, "Because the way she writes her letters makes her seem so real it's as though she's sitting having a coffee with me". Um??

Legally we're bound by rules no matter how old our son is. It's NUTS & highly emotive time for many reasons. For us contact is the "funeral" we never had & much more. Their bio daughter (9th IVF) is really struggling that her big brother has 3 full blood siblings. Messy. They are wonderful people, but the dynamics of coerced, closed & secret adoption are very challenging. I often describe it like Daniel Morcombe & William Tyrell, except that their parents are told they deserved to lose them, don't deserve help or their child back & why aren't they over it? So pleased the Morcombes got answers, justice & a funeral - they are very precious things.

Yes, I've done every healthy thing I can. The issue is not with others, but with me. I still refuse to accept this, whether TPI or not, but still get on with life best I can. Made sense to ask someone who lives with it & learn from them, the difference being this is not just one event but a life series of events (Peri TSD), like never leaving the war for eg. What I crave is an ending but must instead learn to live with ambiguous loss & the injustice. Hard to explain. I must learn to live with this cos reunion doesn't cure it either I'm counselled. Knowing anything is better than the decades of silence.

I help to build resilience in children :). Have done for 10 years - very rewarding.

Yours
Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie

Living with ambiguity and powerlessness erodes the soul, and I've no real answers.

As I said I'm fortunate in that the events that were the most telling are in the past and now modern triggering reminders are shadows of what went before.

It's not all nightmares and anger and fear. I found it very difficult to release control, for instance in family finances and am still wary more than the average person.

Despite that life is now well worth living and my reactions controlled so by and large they do not adversely affect others. My partner knows when I'm dreaming, terse or seem unsympathetic it will change in short order and is the past reaching out.

I'd no idea your jurisdiction was so stringent. I suspect you would know the details of it and it's effects a great deal more than even those that administer it.

If it is inflexible, and in your opinion the reasons behind that are flawed is reform somethng you might champion? I'd be fairly certain your position is not unique. Perhaps looking at other jurisdictions both in Australia and overseas may provide a better model to aim for.

You are articulate, thoughtful and resourceful. A good starting point.

Sir Humphrey: My job is to carry out government policy.
Hacker: Even if you think it's wrong?
Sir Humphrey: Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but… frightfully well carried out.

Croix

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix 🙂

The quotes from Humphrey & Hacker really brighten my day; the context you apply them in suggests your own intelligence & insight.

Answers are difficult but you're suggestion of just sitting beside someone IS an answer - the degree of encouragement your letters grant me is remarkable. You know about TSI but also it seems you know the capacity of human beings for choosing good & evil. I assume your vocation did that.

I too seek control as I find powerlessness scary. Your wife sounds like a legend - you made a great choice of woman! My husband is brilliant too but he struggles some days as he sees me in pain.

Few know the legalities re the source of babies eg "putative" fathers of ex-nuptial children were legally recognised in QLD in 2016, conditionally, & also their consent to relinquish is now required. 2016. Not 1483.

I've often been asked to advocate & observed much, assessing the cost & outcomes. I'm in the mix for sure & have opportunities to propose change but I doubt the effectiveness of current methods. Most choose the adversarial (ie legal) way & that's a type of war & so far we've won few battles. This isn't like WW1 & 2 - there's no clear front line. It's like Vietnam & Afghanistan - the "enemy" is among us & they use covert dirty "war" tactics. Much I could say, darn word count ;)!

I have plans which others find unique & wish (nag) me to join them to enact but I'm so darn fragile that others inhibit me. If I wish to pursue serving in a useful way I must be healthier. My soul is weary though & my body weaker so I've chosen a passive way: a website about many topics but includes what I call Disoption & Adoption. All I've learned & experienced will be put there then I'll compile it all, perhaps like an affidavit, & visit the Aust Psychological Society to propose a number of things. To date they're the only ones truly shocked by the facts & evidence & truly cared, yet are at a loss re what to do about it & how to help us. I'm an insider & young so I plan to tell them, if they'll listen & ask for their help.

Or maybe I'll just curl up in the foetal position till I physically die. I dunno. I suspect that what life is asking of me now does not include martyrdom, self-pity or despair. Often futility invades, like a whipped dog who cedes to total subjugation. I often tell myself, "Those bastards destroyed my family; damned if I'll let them destroy me". Sometimes it's tempting to just let the darkness have its way.

Yours

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Hello again Croix 🙂

Been a rough night, but had a good talk with myself to discover what's up.

I wondered if I still had a tiny doubt/belief that "they" may be right - I really am evil in a way I can't see, dangerous, deserving of punishment via having firstborn taken & so on. The difference between knowing & believing is huge but after an inventory it appears I really am freed from lingering lies in my head.

It seems the real issue atm is that I don't know how to live without that identity. Denial of again being insulted, rejected, TSI episodes, legalistic narcissistic crap & crippling grief etc is stupid. Reality can be tough but it's still the only place one can get a good steak. My issue seems to be like when the slaves were granted freedom. They were taken out of slavery but it took a long time for slavery to be taken out of them.

I need to learn a new way of living & construct it which I'm finding quite scary. I fear being told that my "recovery" is further proof that I wasn't "over it" cos there was something wrong with me (we're told that often btw). So am practicing responding vs reacting eg, "It's interesting that you employ the degree of my 'recovery' from the inhumane, unlawful & illegal, unnecessary & cruel (& more!) ongoing destruction of my family via the abduction of our infant son for closed adoption by strangers as a measure to justify & approve not only past practices but modern practices which provably continue to deny fully informed consent to parents. Perhaps you also apply that same measure to men & women who have somewhat 'recovered' from chronic sexual assault when they were children. Perhaps when you've educated yourself with the facts & the skill of critical thinking we could discuss this topic. Bye." I know that's too long & admit that punching them in the nose is more appealing. Baby steps. I think it's time to focus upon what seems to be the next phase of my life. I tried & failed to come up with excuses not to so it's on with yet another pair of big girl panties & get on with it. Scary though, big time. Breathe! Easy does it.

Years ago I heard about cellular memory & organ transplant recipients. They reveal intriguing evidence that storage of memory is not only in the hippocampus. Many mums describe how their whole body was in agony & often recurred after their baby was taken, even willing relinquishers. Interesting. This correlates with the neurobiology of TSI. Maybe it's not all in our heads. Hmm.

Yours

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

Trying to put things to rights in a way that is more than you can afford in terms of health and equanimity is self-defeating, as is dismissing outright that all avenues are closed.

I agree trying to modify adoption laws via legalities is simply to enrich the legal profession. Then again giving impassioned speeches or marching in demos may have disappointing results, Vietnam went ahead as you know.

True a website might help, but there are many of them. Now an Archibald Prize on the other hand, or even a Queensland Regional Arts award might be beyond your reach (though that is not a given), however just becoming known as an artist with a message people can relate to can lead anywhere.

I'm not suggesting you go that way, just mulling over ideas, maybe bad ones, dunno. A sense of purpose with just a chink of light maybe down the far end can be enough to prevent becoming a fetal ball.

Hacker: Artists always crawl towards the government on their knees, shaking their fists, beating me over the head with begging bowls.
Bernard :Sorry to be pedantic. They can't beat you over the head if they're on their knees unless they've got very long arms.

I see you have sent another message while I was actually writing this one. It deals with identity, and perhaps the above is not so off-topic as it might be.

Human beings take on guilt - sadly it seems to be built in. They get to believe they are of no worth when they are treated that as worthless. I certainly did. Rebuilding the self is a long journey, and for me praise, encouragement and love or care, together with accomplishment, have been the blocks I've been able to build on.

Croix