Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie and Phoebe

Thank you for encouraging me, like you I have to feel my way and sometimes - well quite frequently in fact - guess as to reactions.

Calling a walrus 'sweet' is probably a tad unexpected, but appreciated nevertheless.

I know this environment seems to chafe, no face to face no immediate replies, no subliminal clues or impressions plus the dreaded word limit.

"It's like interacting blind, deaf, floating senseless in a submersion tank & with blinkers". Well, I'll have to rely upon your wider experience, I guess you must lead a richer life than I:)

Over time I've come to see all of these as having advantages too. One simple example is that with an increased word count I could not interact with as many as it takes me time to read and ponder on each post.

Taking one subject at a time, that allows it to be under the spotlight and can allow greater attention to it, plus dealing with just one thing can also be less overwhelming (for both parties).

That's just two aspects, I'm sure you can think of more. I'm not saying it is always suitable, but does provide a haven of sorts.

I'm not troubled by bats dropping half eaten fruit, instead possums in army boots running laps on the tin roof.

Croix

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix & Phoebe

In my head I've replied to your wonderful letters & will eventually type those words since I'm sure neither of you can read minds. I want to reply - chatting with both of you is awesome :). But atm I'm flat as a tack. Can't settle to just one drawing so flit. For weeks have been engrossed in audiobooks & curiosity - Marcus Aurelias et al, The Lord of the Rings & heaps more. Sometimes my inner universe is the place I most need to be even though my outer universe has terrific things in it too.

I'll be back.

I hope you are both well. Be good to you.

Regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie (with a wave to Phoebe)~

No, I can't read your mind, however if the thoughts in it are OK that is just fine.

I too use a lot of both eBooks and audio books. They can cost a fair bit, however I've found that a free amateur site that reads out loud public domain books (and you would be amazed what is in it just in the SF field, let alone everything else ) has suite my need to listen both for novels, and short stories. That's provided I don't get a hankering for the very latest sequel of something commercial and give way to temptation:)

If you were to Google "Librivox" I'm sure you would find it.

There is no haste to reply and if you enjoy composing letters in your head - good!

Croix

[Lady_Nova]

Hi Ladies

I am not a mum who lost to adoption, but I am wondering if the loss is anything like pregnancy loss. I can see that in a way we have lost a pregnancy and all the promise and future that that piece of us growing within us meant. We have something incredibly precious torn out of our lives and it leaves a very real wound.

I lost my first pregnancy and was never allowed to grieve. It's for the best they tell us, move on, time heals wounds, but how do you heal a compass without a North? In what direction do we point and say "There! there is my heart!"

I am unsure that this even remotely close to your experience, but I offer a hand and an ear.

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Laurie,

It’s so good to be immersed in things that really grab our interest.

Sounds like you have varied reading material!

I first read LOR when I was in my early teens....and I’ve gone back to it, time and time again.

There’s The Silmarillion which requires dedicated focus to get through...Tolkien was an extraordinary thinker and literary genius don’t you think?

I love the thought of him and his mates ‘The Inklings’ ( including CS Lewis) gathering together with ale and pipes in a tiny back room of a dear old pub, to turn over their thoughts and discuss all manner of things.

Hope life feels in a better place post Xmas, we’ll catch up soon no doubt.

Take care, 🙂

Phoebe.

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Nova,

I read your message and am struggling a little to find the right words.

I’m so sorry you lost your first baby with little or no support to grieve.

To not be able to express the loss in a meaningful way is the stuff of real internal damage and emotional wounding. I can relate to that. Absolutely.

As you said, how do you set your compass when you’re not sure where your North is?

It seems to me that there are countless mighty women living through many agonies, moving under the radar...and there they are, standing next to you or me in the supermarket, their tired skin holding in a lifetime of hidden pain.

I haven’t had a chance to read all your posts here, but I did see a few.

You’re a brave woman Nova.

The world needs more women like you.... you sound like someone who cares deeply.

Hugs,

Phoebe.

[Lady_Nova]

thank you for that single tear moment. It's not common for people to GET IT. There is so much mental load we just have to carry, and finding people who get it is rare

❤️

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix

I'm back! Obviously (eye roll). How are you? Well, I hope.

I've been time travelling listening to books written by long dead philosophers, fascinating. Would love to have met them but then I feel like I have.

Librivox books are common & I also listen to an echo/dot thingie called Alexa read my ebooks as I draw. Have you read The Frontiers Saga series, PG Wodehouse, CS Lewis Space Trilogy?

I've written reams of letters to you all in my head, including a long dissertation on the sweetness of walruses ;). Have you heard what a herd/huddle/pod of walruses sound like? Hilarious!

Am in the Rabbit Hole atm tho. Not as bad as the Deep which I fall into yet worse as I to choose it by ignoring the signs. I like rabbits but if you've ever been trapped in a hole with a vicious buck it's not pleasant.

My issue is work.

Good ol' utilitarianism - one's usefulness is the measure of value. Silly I know but a societal thing & I was raised this way (52 yo) & it cost my firstborn & clearly I still believe this lie or it wouldn't bother me! It's nearly 2 yrs since I was granted DSP, perhaps the most recalcitrant & fastest recipient in Oz. I insisted that I'm not disabled, survived for 30yrs & raised my family but was kindly told that I do qualify. I'm very grateful but now what?

I'm the poor one in the family but I don't mind; have never been a status/things person aka the family misfit. Who I be matters more than what I do but I'm often tempted by, "You could make lots of $ from your art" then the "shoulds" start & down I go again. As much as I hate it I'm too unreliable as it seems I really am "disabled". The diagnoses are descriptors & not my identity but I'm sullenly accepting that I cannot do what I wish. Art is calming but add the $ & it's not yet I should earn $ cos I could do it for a good cause then fall over & the "disabled" word pops up again.

It's hard; told to get over it & stop whinging when our son was taken, did so for decades then suddenly I'm disabled & told to R&R till I die. So what used to be sooking suddenly isn't?? It's thrown me more than I realised. I'm hoping you have some of your valuable insight for me on this matter.

Yes my life is rich re interaction as I'm a clone.

Ha!

Identical twin. Plus we females are quite sensorial & complex in conversation.

Mozzies & sugar ants are challenging my position of Queen in this house. It's tough going but I seem to be gaining ground from those dastardly females.

Be good to you

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Phoebe 🙂

Hello lovely lady! I hope you're well. Have thought of you often & wondered how you're going. Did you find serenity in your long walks? I hope so.

Gawn is a terrific word lol. We r of like minds - awesome!

Tolkien is incredible. I wish I'd read LOR sooner. Will read Silmarillion later. What I'd give to have joined the Inklings at the pub. Would love a group like that right now. I wonder if we could foster that type of atmosphere in here... hmm. Imagine we're lounging in an old English Pub sipping warm ale & smoking our pipes, chatting about deep things & wonderful things & hobbits & life. Hmm, not beer. Coffee is fine for me. And pipes aren't lady-like. I'm sensing the ambiance already... ha ha :).

Atm I'm annoying the living daylights out of myself. I seek contentment, acceptance & serenity yet rebellion & pain bubble up & disturb me, thus my recent absence taking some time to address this. I want to share my story but in a philosophical way rather than a therapeutic way this time. I found a framework of principles I can do this within, where wisdom is applied & it looks very helpful so am looking forward to applying it & growing more. It was only a few months ago I finally ceased seeking full recovery; was told it was possible ("So do it!") then told it isn't so am learning to accept it now & build a life I can love & enjoy more. I value hearing about your experiences a lot & am very glad you're here :).

I'm canceling my blog; it's not published but it's driving me nuts with it's complexities & ever rising cost. I'll create printed postcards instead, with my art & some insights. KIS method. I rely heavily on wise insights so have been making them prettier as images for printing. My friends requested some for themselves & their support group (adoption loss) which gave me warm fuzzies.

On FB I saw an image of the planetary orbits represented in lines. They are stunningly beautiful, shaped like flowers or mandalas. It's a maths page, mainly geometry in nature & other intriguing things. There is so much beauty & mysterious wonders to marvel at in this universe.

I've been tempted to never speak of the loss of my son again & focus only upon learning, art & contemplation. But I'm advised against that; it's being avoidant again thus harmful. I think constant focus on it is harmful. It's never going away so why not put it in a box & get on with life? My current lesson is self-compassion; apparently I don't have any. Ouch.

Big hug

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Lady Nova

Hello & welcome! I'm sorry for my delayed reply but I'm so pleased you're here. I read one of your other posts & there's much we have in common so I look forward to sharing our experiences & what gives us strength & hope :). I agree with all that Phoebe & Croix have said to you. I hope you do too :).

I have experienced pregnancy loss too - two of them. Painful stuff. Your eloquent description of what it's like is bang on the mark.

Pregnancy loss has many similarities with loss to adoption. I've often said that the only other women who come close to knowing the pain loss to adoption are the adoptive mothers. They grieve many lost pregnancies & potential children whereas we grieve a specific living child. In many ways the physical deaths are easier to grieve than the ambiguous loss of our living child. sigh

Not being allowed to grieve is called disenfranchised grief & it's very damaging but in here that won't be an issue for you because we know the value of mourning :). Little ones are precious before & after birth so I for one am comfortable to walk beside you as you grieve your little one if that's something you'd like to do. Up to you :). We hurt cos we love.

You have a lot on your plate dear lady. I hope you have moments of serenity in your life. I read of your new r'ship & relate a lot. My 2nd husband of nearly 10 years amazes me & for the life of me I can't understand what it is he adores about me, so I keep checking in with silly questions like, "Who? Me? Are you talking to me? Wow."

We women are so easy to please - adoration is all we need :). Knowing we're not too much nor too little, that we're beautiful to our man & that we're worth fighting for - it is enough. You also are such a woman & are worth being loved in this way. I'm happy for you & wish you the very best in your r'ship :).

I plan to share my story bit by bit in an effort to put all I can to rest. In here is a safe place to do that I find. It's hard but worth it. My "letting them" take our son almost cost me my life 18 years later; my 1st husband is his father & of all my children. He snapped when told by the Dept that he's not recognised as our son's father so bugger off basically. At the time of signing the Consent form he wasn't allowed to sign as we were engaged, not married. He's on the Birth Certificate & insisted that he wishes to keep our son, but he was ignored. This was in 1989. He was recognised in 2016. sigh

Be good to you.

Laurie x