Retired Health care worker

[Willen]

But hard to bitch about ones life when it's almost done. No, no thoughts of suicide or homicide, just so damned depressed and feeling hopeless, what's worse General and Psych RN etc.

[MsPurple]

HI Willen and welcome to the BB forums. You sound quite down at the moment. How are you feeling? I am glad you are not having thoughts of suicide however this doesn't mean you are not depressed. Have you talked to a doctor about your feelings? You say your are an ex health care worker. Does this affect how you feel about talking about mental health to other health professionals? I find that finding a doctor you are comfortable with is imperative to being about to open up about your mental health and how you are feeling.

Regardless of age you have a right to feel happy and not to feel depressed. You can always open up regardless of age.

[Willen]

Thanks for your encouragement, I have suffered depressive episodes during my childhood aged probably 8 years, when I realized my parents were mortal.

My history:

After being maternally, mentally abused during my child-teen-hood by what I now perceive to have been a Munchhausens and also M. by proxy on myself and two siblings. Our personalities where extremely damaged. As I've said before (good insight) after getting kicked out at 17 while doing General. I slept out in my car staying away from them, but at 17 1/2 attempted suicide, treated by my girlfriends sympathetic mother. After that episode things settled down we married after graduation. After the birth of our third child my mental status declined due to gambling addiction. My addiction has been TOTALLY gone for years thank goodness. I registered as a psych RN in 1996 but soon after had a myocardial infarction, Since 2000 (my dad's death) diagnosed as chronic severe depression, my GP 6mths ago suspended my medication after my insistence, as my thoughts etc had improved, but they crashed not long after, I have tried to battle on, with sometimes suicidal ideation, but good insight preventing planning. Prefer to sleep when I can as thoughts are more serene and peaceful. My only brother died after a "routine back operation" in July 2016 aged just 64 from mesenteric embolisms post op., they turned off life support while on anaesthetic agents (euthanasia), only 15 minutes away I wasn't given a final chance to say goodbye. I involved the police as this appeared dodgy Orthopods or anaesthetists work. No help Wollongong private hospital bullshitted two medically uneducated cops, have been thinking about writing the coroner for his help examining the cases paperwork, STAY AWAY FROM PRIVATE HOSPITALS for operations. They're dangerous I worked in their systems. 

Self diagnosis: Severe Chronic Depression, possibly a Borderline personality disorder, which was once called Sociopath.

My self online examination questionnaires last night gave those results. I'm was one of TWO siblings who were glad when our mother died locally without us a few years ago. Sorry to rave on, but that's just that.

Signed Willen (actually Wayne)

[Willen]

Additional: I feel no tension or inhibition talking to MHCWs from this service, I was unable to continue working in healthcare due to physical injuries SLOWLY arising after years of lifting heavy patients and ongoing back strains (I loved looking after patients) a spinal cord infarction finished me off, causing erectile dysfunction and loss of leg musculature and skin sensations some 13 years ago, wife unhappy, leading to laminectomy with no nerve repair. My initial back injury occurred when registered with the NSWNRB I was working as an NSW ambulance officer. I had to lift a large attempted suicide patient on a stretcher over my shoulders and carry him down stairs, me leading, and did I feel it!! Sudden sharp onset lower lumbar, leading to sciatica for some days, and bed rest was the cure, well the superintendent wasn't happy with me! Eventually it would settle down, and life continued, but by now getting no emergency work just routine transportation to try and force my resignation. Sometimes they had no choice but to send me out to cas work. Which was fairly horrific, I still occasionally dream about the bodies all mangled and torn up. At the time nobody heard of PTSD you picked up the cadavers assessed the creps in broken necks from impact MVAs, and transported them to the morgue, 1976 a woman and her five children. Killed when they were returning from a family holiday killed outright. Trying my hands on Occupational health care seeing men flattened like pancakes by heavy equipment. PTSD still haunts me, even remember their names.

Just cause and effect leaving depressed affect.

Signed Willen (Wayne)

Thanks for your patience

1.  

[White_Rose]

Dear Willen

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Love your picture. Sometimes working in a specialised field with the knowledge that entails, can make it more difficult to open up about our own problems. You have assured us you have no intention of ending your life, great, but indicate your are getting on in age. For me that means you have a wealth of life experience to pass on to others.

Have you looked at the posts in the Depression forum? The posts there are about the various ways people experience depression, their coping mechanisms and the professional help they have received. Although according to my psychiatrist I am not depressed, I can get triggered into feeling unwell by various things. Sadly one of these is TV, or rather some of the programs shown.

For me, and for many others who write in here, answering posts from others about depression can be beneficial to us. Having been there and done that, you have your unique perspective on life and its difficulties. Have you considered talking to others?

On Beyond Blue we hear many stories and posters find it useful to vent about their lives in general or about particular occasions. So why not join us and see how we can help you. If it helps I can reveal I too am a member of the older fraternity.

Mary