Leaving a domestic violent relationship and how to move on

[Backspace]

Hi.

Just wondering if anyone can please give me some helpful advice on how I mend this heart of mine.

I left a 12 year violent relationship just short of 7 months ago. He was the father of my children, fiance and love of my life. My ex Fiance is now in prison for the horrible things he has done to our family. I am left shattered, numb, anxious, depressed and still in disbelief that the person I loved so much could treat me the way he did.

I have a great support network but at the end of the day I am alone with my tears and heartache raising our children on my own whilst working and studying part time. I am good at hiding how I feel (most of the time) so every one thinks I am ok or I am happy.I am not! I completely feel crushed that I held on for so long and nothing changed. Why do I still love and miss this person?? I'm not holding on to memories. .because there wasn't many good ones. It is not because he was the father of my children either as there was not many good memories of love there also.

HOW do I stop loving the one person who never loved me the way I loved him. How do I move on from his abuse, infidelity and guilt because he is where he is now.

I have days where I am on top of the world as a single independent woman/mother who no longer has to be controlled...then I have more days where I go home and sit on the laundry floor crying once the kids are in bed.

I also have days where I still miss him terribly and for the life of me I Cannot pinpoint what it is I actually miss!

Terribly lost, please help me see sense. Any advice welcome.

[BballJ]

Hi Backspace,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear what you have gone through... my first question would be, have you ever gone to see a counsellor to discuss all of these things, it seems like you have been through so much and possibly speaking to a counsellor may help put things into perspective for you, about the relationship and the way you are dealing with it. It seems as if you have never fully moved on from anything that has happened and everything has just sort of crashed onto your shoulders as well.

Please remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 to discuss anything you are feeling as well.

My best for you,

Jay

[Backspace]

Thank you for your quick reply and welcoming me to this group.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 months but I still feel no different. It is like the 5 stages of grief to me but I still haven't reached the acceptance part...

Over the years I learned to brush aside insults, complaints, abuse etc and lack of love on his part as I always just thought of it as "adult struggles" we all have up and down moments. It wasn't until towards the end I found out about his infidelity and an addiction he hid quite well. That is when the really abusive patterns started. I did what I had to do for my sanity, my health and for my children and finally had enough. At the end he would go from Jekyll to Hyde at the flip of a switch one minute telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me to the next telling me he was coming for me.

I think the hardest part of accepting this is that throughout our relationship he never showed affection or the love I craved then at the end I was seeing and hearing this grown man cry telling me how sorry he was.

I think also the hardest part is that I had no choice in any of this.. It would be much easier to have walked away from a loveless relationship then to leave the person who treats you like an animal but at the same time is your everything.

I grew up with the morals that if people treat you badly they do not deserve be in your life or to be privileged to know the special person you are. but when it is someone you love more than oxygen how do you stay away from that someone that is not good for you.

[Backspace]

I keep thinking about the dreams I had for us as a family that will now no longer be. We were due to be married March just gone. That was a rough day for me.

His family have completely abandoned us and shut us out as if we no longer exist. They have said in the past they do not condone what he has done and are disappointed with how we have been treated over the years....but as soon as he was handed his sentence we no longer existed. No hello, no how are the children. Nothing!

I am to blame for where their son is. All because I loved him too much, I hoped things would change and I believed his promises that he would change to be a better person. I gave him another chance after legal provisions were in place. Unfortunately he proved that he could not keep his promises and continued to treat our family like we should be intimidated by him. To which he landed where he is due to his actions.

At the end of the day he is their son I am just the mother of their grandchildren. It is awfully hurtful to feel like I am made to feel guilty or that this is our fault.

But, there is no reasoning with people who support or make excuses for the guilty party.

[BballJ]

Hi Backspace,

Wow you have a long story to tell and that is great that you can speak about it openly like that. Unfortunately there is no quick advice or quick answer I could give you that I think would make you feel better about the whole situation. Have you spoken about all this with your psychologist? have you opened up as much as you can with them and told them everything? It is not easy to click with a psychologist and if you do not feel it is going anywhere I would suggest perhaps finding another one, reason I say this is that when you find one you can speak openly with and feel a connection to that is when the sessions become beneficial and you start seeing a difference in how you feel.

Have you tried reaching out to his family at all, it seems you still want a relationship with them and maybe you need to reach out to them if you are not already done so? Just a thought.

My best,

Jay

[Backspace]

Thank you Jay.

Yes, I did reach out to his family and involved them as much as possible with the children it was different but rival. However, that changed once court proceedings started. I understand at the end of the day he is their family but I can't help but think "what about us" what about what he has done to us how can they just act like we no longer exist.

In their eyes it is their son's actions that put him in prison but I am the person who is responsible for putting him there. I do not understand why a civil relationship cannot be maintained for my children's sake. I am not the only survivor of this 12 year relationship....our 3 children are also learning to have one parent, And I am sure miss their Father. Every night is a struggle for them also as they are scared to sleep on their own or away from me. One would think this would be a time for support not outlasted.

I have told my Psychologist everything but ..... I have told her about all the incidents and not how it has made me feel because for the last few months I have been all over the place emotionally...i can go from happy to anxious etc so on any given time of the day my moods can be up or down. I am sure she probably can see straight through it and detect the feelings though. Now I have written this here I am now aware I am having these feelings because I had no closure, no apology for the psychological damage he has caused me or no choice with how it ended. Well actually I did, I made the choice to no longer be treated like that. But it is not the choice I was hoping for our future.

I definitely need the right tools to learn to let go, and to stop loving him. I see the persona of him towards the end of him being brought in to the courtroom in handcuffs and his tears for us to which I had never experienced before...he rarely showed emotion in 12 years... That is difficult for me.

Thank you for your reply.

[geoff]

hello Backspace, and thanks Jay for your support in a situation which is hurting the family so much, but perhaps you could be feeling guilty that he is in prison, but if he has been hurting you on a continious basis then you and your children must be kept safe.
Love is not shown by physical or emotional force and to move on from his abuse, infidelity is not something that you could ever forget about, maybe if he got some help before all of this started then it maybe a different situation, but I'm not sure whether this is what he would do.
He is the father of your children, but you decided to leave him 7 months ago for what he has done to you, but that doesn't mean you can't stop thinking of him in your own way, but it could also mean that you wouldn't want to live with him again because it would all start over again.
Being single and raising kids on your own isn't an easy task but what help was he to you, he didn't love you, it was just a place to stay while he could do everything else he wanted to do.
You can't love him because he doesn't love you.
When there is no love then it's impossible to try and begin to miss him, because I wonder who is going to pick him up when he is released you or one of his g/friends.
You can now enjoy the company of your children and move onto better places. Geoff.

[Guest_322]

Hi Backspace,

I'm admittedly in a bit of a rush so hopefully what I'm about to say makes sense.

I have to hand it to you. Leaving a violent relationship takes a lot of guts. It's no easy feat. Moreover, to take a violent ex partner to court requires a second dose of guts and determination. You're obviously a very brave person.

Reading your posts reminds me of one of my friends who was in a violent relationship with one of her exes. He was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive towards her.

Like your ex fiancé, he played the whole Jekyl and Hyde game. Abusive people play this game all the time. I think it's how they hurt you and then try to reel you back in again. I don't think it's love; it's about control and power.

You mentioned how he would abuse you and be horrible but then say he was "sorry", etc, etc. That's what my friend's ex-BF used to do all the time. At the end of the day, I don't think they're ever truly sorry for what they did. They're sorry for losing control over you and are trying to reel you back in.

I feel that the words and any presents are the hook, line and sinker to reel you back in. I remember watching helplessly as my friend would be reeled back in time and time and time again. Once he had her back, the abuse would start again.

Can I just comment on his tears in the courtroom? My personal opinion is it's possible that those tears were for his own predicament rather than for how much damage he has caused you and your children. Like, I feel he was probably crying because he got "caught" rather than crying because of what he has done.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh and I realise you do have feelings for him.

But is it love you feel for him or is it more a sense of loss for dashed dreams and hopes for the "happy family" you envisioned?

Like, maybe it's not so much love that you feel for him but maybe a sense of mourning for what could have been. But because of all he has done, it can never be.

Sometimes- and easier said than done- I think we have to accept the apology we never get. Some people who hurt you will never be truly sorry.

In the same way that my friend never got a genuine apology from her ex. Or how my dad never got an apology from my grandmother. Or how I'll never get an apology from my grandmother (intergenerational abuse). I guess my point is it will eat us alive like a poison from the inside out if we wait for that apology.

Anyway, I think you are amazing. What a fighter?! Mad respect.

Dottie x

[BballJ]

Hi Backspace,

geoff & Dottie123 have given some great advice above.

Just to reply to your last post, I like the fact you have told your psychologist everything, that is so great and allows the healing to really begin. I also like the fact you know that what you needed was closure, I understand getting it may be hard almost impossible even but I think the more you keep working through it all with your psychologist, the more you will learn how to deal with it all. I understand your concern for your kids as well and you have to do it on your own, but that will make them respect and love you a whole lot more down the track. Just remember to keep you head up as much as you can stay positive.

My best,

Jay

[Backspace]

Hi. Thank you so much for your reply Geoff and Dotti.

I know what you say is all correct Geoff... I can't go backwards otherwise every time he raises his voice it would put me on eggshells as it always did or every time he was absent I would think he is with another woman. I see now for him I think I was his safe haven he had somewhere to stay but obviously wasn't love to him.

Over the years when he treated me this way or was abusive he would throw it back on me I never got the sorry then but I did at the end if that makes sense....I think the sorry I got was when he was high then the next day he would show up to the house again and it would be another episode. The tears in the court room also I feel were part of his plot to possibly lessen his sentence. The magistrate even commented on his crocodile tears stating he does not believe they are real remorseful tears. I desperately want to believe they are genuine tears.

As crazy as this is I still cannot sleep in the same bed, I sleep with a photo of him and cry myself to sleep. I believe it is mourning what is no longer to be as you mentioned Dotti..... I haven't even began healing, I worry when he is released and he himself moves on what that will do to me.

It is strange, it is like I can see everything from the outside looking in as if this were happening to a friend or my child. I know right from wrong I know I am not to blame I just can't seem to shift my emotions.

Thank you.