CONTENT WARNING: waist of a life.

[technopuppy94]

when will it be my time to rest? when will the pain dull enough to let me take a load off my shoulders?

i was born with joint laxity. a condition that means i am in constant pain. when i was 2 i developed lung problems that had me in and out of hospital constantly until i was 8.

i grew up with a daemon in my home... i called him daddy

years of bruises broken bones and sexual abuse finaly ended when i was 12. the same year my older brother molested me and my little sister. my mother told me if i told the police they would take me away from my siblings.

when i was 14 i moved away from home. i got into a relationship with a much older guy and we moved in together. i was attending high school working full time and running a household for an emotionally and physicaly abusive man.

but that finally ended after a fight that ended with me in the hospital and the police applying for a DVO on my behalf. shortly after my stepfather the only man left in my life i still trusted passed away... alcohol poisoning.

a few years passed and a few failed relationships.

i met a man. close to my age and i fell in love with him...

a year later we were married. started a business together and bought our first home.

we had two beautiful babies and were planning more.

when we ran into fertility problems we pushed ourselves even further into debt to pay for treatment. our first attempt ended in a miscarriage and all our attempts after that failed.

Christmas day... we just found out another round of IVF had failed. but we gathered the family and celebrated non the less... that evening i found my husband in our bed sleeping with one of our friends.

when we decided to divorce he took the business and i took the house... three months later the house burned down..

i finally accepted i would never be part of a happy family. i had come to terms with it... today i found out my ex husband and his new partner are trying for a baby

it is my 23rd birthday in 11 days... only 23 and ive already lost all hope at happiness

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Technopuppy.

You've lived through a long series of traumas with no breathing space in between. Constant physical pain wouldn't make it any easier. Understandably, long standing hardship takes a toll. No wonder you are left with the feeling that happiness will keep eluding you...it has been a matter of too much too young.

Personal experience has brought home the fact that childhood abuse sets us up for more toxic relationships later. Patterns become entrenched in the brain on a subconscious level. Subconsciously, we set ourselves up to repeat the only patterns the mind knows. The good thing is, we can consciously work on reconfiguring them.

Have you looked into counseling/psychotherapy ? It would guide you through work on the root cause of those failed relationships. Also, the mental/emotional damage done needs healing. Are you undergoing treatment for depression at the moment ?

Was your house insured ? What are your living arrangements now ? Sorry about the questions. Answers would make it easier to point you in the right direction and support you the best way we can.

I have been a single Mum too so am well aware of the difficulties involved. It sounds like your close family is not to be relied on. You need and deserve all the TLC and support you can get. How can we help ?

Please feel free to post as much and as often as you feel comfortable with. This is your space, a safe place to connect and/or unload some of the overload. You will be heard.

Good to have you on board.

[Neil_1]

Hi there TechnoPuppy,

Like Starwolf before me, I too would like to wish you a warm welcome to the Beyond Blue site. I’ve been here for many many years and the site is fantastic, a really super supportive place and there are the nicest people here also. So I’m really pleased that you’ve been able to come and share your story.

With just being 23yo, you sure have had some very difficult times that you’ve faced … and so many of them.

And just as Starwolf mentioned, and without wanting to pry too deep, it would be really good to know your living circumstances now; whether you’ve got a good supportive GP that you can go to and whether you’ve had or having any counselling? Perhaps even meds, if you’re on any? If you’ve got some of all of these in place, then that’s a super positive thing that’s happening for you.

Do you have any close friends who you could share some of your issues with? Perhaps even a sibling?

Are you still working??

Again, sorry for all the questions, but like Starwolf, if we can be a bit better informed, it’ll help us to hopefully provide you with the right kind of support and hopefully some ok advice as well.

Just want to finish off for this time with, to say that being 23yo, you still have so much in store for you … and I really truly hope that things will soon begin to turn the better for you. I realise with all the traumas that you’ve experienced up until now, it must seem like nothing ever will turn to being good, but I really believe that things will turn positive for you.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[technopuppy94]

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, I find it hard to find the motivation to even type a simple response. ​so I'll quickly answer some questions.

No the house was not insured unfortunately.

I'm currently renting a little unit in the city.

Im going to have a chat to my GP tomorrow (I didn't actually have one until now). I'm not quite sure what to say but I trust I'll think of something.

I'll update after I speak with my GP.

I did the BB depression check-list and scored high.

[geoff]

hello Technopuppy, so much has gone on and when you visit your GP you will get tongue-tied and won't know where to start, so can I suggest that you write down on a piece of paper what is troubling you, I would not necessarily go into depth at the moment, just write down them as point facts, because if you go into detail at the moment and by yourself then it's not going to be helpful, just list the points, this will then break the ice.
I hope we will hear back from you. Geoff.

[technopuppy94]

Just a quick update. I have visited my GP and we had a general discussion I told him I was concerned about my mental health we did a few questionnaires and discussed a few things.

He has given me an official diagnosis of depression and I now have a mental health plan.

He has referred me to a psychiatrist so I guess now I just need to see how that goes.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for the update.

Kudos to you for talking with your GP. I hope that getting on a mh plan will initiate a much deserved positive turnaround.