Rape PTSD and Friend's Reactions to Rape- Advice Needed!

confusedandlonely · ‎31-10-2016

So three years ago I was raped orally and anally at a party. At the time I was very concerned about my reputation and didn't tell anyone, though it hurt so much and I was very distraught. I even came close to killing myself a week after, but a girl in my class called Kelly who barely knew me sent me an anonymous letter praising me, and it saved my life.

This year, I couldn't take the pain anymore and I finally felt comfortable telling people- a therapist, my parents, and my lovely friends. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and hyper vigilance.

Most of my friends have been beyond brilliant, I mean none of them really understand at all, but they're trying to be there. Except Kelly. She and I are now best friends, well we have been, but after I told her she completely ignored me for weeks on end. I'm currently in Year 12 and we had been planning a schoolies trip together, to which I was uninvited after telling her what happened, and another girl asked in my place. Later when I texted her asking what happened, very upset, she replied for a bit and then blocked my phone number, not telling me.

Our exams are happening right now and she says she can't talk to me until they are over, but she's still going out and drinking and having breakfast and watching concerts with my other friends, so it hurts that she doesn't have time for me. I sent her a facebook message yesterday begging her to talk to me at school today, and she said she didn't want to.

It's so confusing- how could she just block me out of her life, literally? And not explain why until weeks after the fact? Is she a friend worth fighting for, because I have been, so incredibly hard? It hurts knowing when she knew nothing about my situation, she was there, but now she does and can't cope to even receive texts from me.

What do I do? Do I fight for this friendship? Are exams a good enough excuse to ignore me without any explanation?

Please help

Guest_322 · ‎01-11-2016

Hi confusedandlonely,

I think people get scared of hard hitting topics like rape. Sometimes the mere mention of the word can be enough to clear a room.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that that excuses Kelly for her hurtful, dismissive actions. And without trying to minimise your hurt (which is completely valid and justified), I think her actions say more about her as a person rather than you; her own fears, inability to cope with others' pain, etc.

You've done nothing wrong, okay? You were only reaching out and there's no shame in that. It hurts a lot when we turn to people that we trust only to have them turn their backs on us.

I hear you...I once opened up to a friend who told me that if I was hurting so much that I just needed to "change my perspective" and that if I was in so much pain then maybe there was something "faulty" with my thinking.

Now, I realise it's not the same as what you're going through but what I'm trying to say is, in my way, I get. I get the rejection, hurt and sense of betrayal when you open up, and have them almost slap you in the face with your trust.

Sorry, I'm not sure of the right things to say so my gift to you is that this post will bump your thread to the top so hopefully someone sees it and responds.

Thinking of you and so, so sorry. I know you're hurting.

Dottie x

Guest_322 · ‎01-11-2016

*correction: "...in my way, I get it."

Dottie x

geoff · ‎02-11-2016

hello, reading what you intially said there must be so much pain and anger still within you, and that can not ever be blamed or criticised against you, you have been dishonoured, degraded by these creeps who just wanted to take advantage of you in a situation where you would have been overpowered, just to please themselves, this absolutely horrifies me and if I was your parent then action would be taken to punish these guys in moreways than one.
I always say when something like this happens is that it detests in every possible way.
This 'friend' Kelly is not any friend of yours what so ever, she has shown her colours, behaved in an atrocious way by not being there at a time when you most needed her, an appalling behaviour and even as though you're in year 12 you probably won't see her after the exams, you must ignore her and if she wants to make to contact don't be tricked into believing she is still your friend, this will just be teasing you.
Concentrate on your exams, and friends at school in year 12 always say 'we must catch up' but this rarely happens everyone goes their own way.
I really want to wish you the very best for this time of the year, but as I said NO don't worry about her, it's you that should be helped through all of this, and my very best for you. Geoff. x

Kylie_Abecca · ‎02-11-2016

I have been where you are now and I understand what you are going through. I was raped 5 years ago whilst recovering from an Epileptic seizure and my best friend did the same thing, especially when the whole thing went to court and media got a hold of it, she completely removed herself from my life. I tried chasing her, messaging her and begging her to talk to me and we eventually wound up in a massive argument and we both said some really hurtful things, then didn't speak to one another for over a year (we had been friends for 15 years).

After our year apart, she was going through a rough time and a mutual friend told me about it, so I sent a hug and a gentle thought her way through our friend and she contacted me a few days later with apologies. We are friends again now, but our friendship is different now, we are not as close as we used to be and I don't open up to her as much as I once did.

I know it's damn difficult to do, but your best bet is to give your friend the space she needs. Who knows, maybe she has a secret of her own and you opening up to her has opened up a memory she didn't want to see? This was the case with my friend.

The more you push for her to speak to you, the more you are likely to push her further away. It does hurt and terribly, but you need to do what is best for YOU. Focus on the other things in your life that are good and bring you joy and hopefully in time, Kelly will be able to deal with what you have told her and will come back to you.

I'd also like to say a huge 'well done' to you for opening up to your friends and family and therapist. I, myself have never opened up to the details of what happened to me, despite doing public talks about how I overcame it and the challenges I continue to face. I am able to write about it, but talking about it still brings up emotions I'm not ready to deal with, so I admire your bravery.

<3 Wishing you the best ❤️

Kylie_Abecca · ‎02-11-2016

Hi Geoff,

While I completely understand where you are coming from, I think it's a little harsh. After all, we don't know what stuff Kelly may have going on. Perhaps she has experienced something terrible herself and hearing her friend talking about what happened to her has forced some undesirable memories to the forefront that she is unabe to deal with and so she has decided to keep her distance.

A girl who only a year ago went to the trouble of writing a letter praising a girl she barely knew, doesn't seem the type to just suddenly turn her back on her friend because she opened up about a trauma she faced.

I think Kelly may be having some troubles and difficulties of her own and she is unable to deal with her friend's situation. I find it very hard to believe that this girl would be intentionally trying to hurt her friend.

Shelleeb · ‎02-11-2016

Hi confusedandlonely,

I am so sorry for everything you are going through at the moment.

The most important person at the moment is you. That's who you need to be focusing on. At this time of year it's hard when there are exams, end of school trips with friends and moving on to the next part of life.

I think this friend does not know how to cope with what you have been through and rather than try she has pushed you away. This is not because of you it is because of herself. You need to walk away from this negativity and focus on yourself and the wonderful people and family who are around supporting you.

I wish you all the best. Just remember to believe xxx

Hugs Shelleeb

Cornstarch · ‎02-11-2016

Hi confusedandlonely,

I have been raped too but was much younger and the perpetrator was a father figure. I was raped in front of his wife and son. His wife started making me gifts, telling me how special I was and singling me out.

You are extremely brave to have told people. It's not for everyone, and each individual should be encouraged to disclose in a manner that is appropriate to their own personality and temperament. One persons medicine is another persons poison. Telling just one person may be the perfect fit for some. We all have to keep ourselves safe.

I don't want to walk around assuming everyone has been abused. There are a thousand things that could have happened, or be on her mind. I mean your mate may have been assaulted, or someone close to her has, and your honesty and strength has triggered memory recall perhaps. If she/they are still living with the perpetrator or remain sexually available to them, this will simply be too overwhelming for her to process.

This may sound crazy but she could be experiencing memory recall and is not even aware of it. Dissociative amnesia is extremely common in sexual assault and can come out sideways in anger, shut down, drug and alcohol addiction etc etc.

But having said all of this, I have also had friends that have not been abused and have just walked when they found out about mine. Maybe I am the devil. Go figure.

Good luck with your own path in this. It can resurface at the most odd times and with extreme intensity for no apparent reason.

xxxx

confusedandlonely · ‎02-11-2016

Thank you so much Dottie. I suppose it's hard for me as obviously rape is so triggering for me personally that I tend to forget how it can affect others close to me. I just wish I could trust her with this, I thought I knew I could. It's such a horrible thing to confront, the fact she might not always be there. I've been hurt by her so much recently yet I'm so afraid of losing her friendship when she's had such a huge impact on my life.

confusedandlonely · ‎02-11-2016

It's just so hard to dismiss someone I've spent three whole years becoming close to. So many others I've told about Kelly's reaction have said the same thing, cut her out, you don't need her. But I'm not sure that I don't. The more she pushes away, the more I hate myself and think of things to do to piss her off or upset her or make her happy just so we speak again. I'm not sure if this friendship is toxic or just I am.