Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

YOU first.

I understand all the mind boggling pressing things "to do" are bothering you so much atm, but they really need to take a hike OUT of your head so you can heal.

Nothing's changed in the mortgage sector ie your mortgage hasn't gone UP.

Just taking stock of what you need to heal yourself has to be the priority atm.

It's about your "longevity" in the workforce until you sort stuff to reduce work.
Healing will support this. AND help you enjoy your time off work too.

Do you know what my Bank Manager did?
SHE DOWNLOADED and printed out all my Bank statements etc while I was in her office for the new loan application.
She offered and I jumped at it. Did it ALL in the appointment. I'd already decided to go with this Bank.

They're going to see it all anyway. I know it's like them looking in our underwear drawer lol!
But hey, it is what it is.

LATER... how about you get your Diary out and PENCIL in one month's time?
You need time.

Hey I can hear you lol... I know it's on your "Urgent List" and I know all the reasons why.
But TOP of the list is your pain levels and coping.

Without those 2 taken care of, it's just a downhill ride on a very slippery slope.

Beating depression and keeping anxiety away MUST be a priority.
Without battling these full front on, your triggers will reduce.

SPACE THINGS OUT.

You are one spectacularly competent woman; super intelligent, sharp, pragmatic and resourceful.
But still only ONE woman (not 15 women like the load you're carrying atm).

YOU GOT THIS.
Breathe OUT.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Definitely dear Blue, the fairy queens magic elixar is whatever works!

You don't believe in fairies??? Blue!! Don't you know that a fairy dies when anyone says that?

I guess there's no fairies in start trek...

So much more to say, but... glad you popped back in, I've been wondering how you are.

Shoulder pain sux. Such an important joint. ( I had bursitis for awhile, a few years after a broken collarbone. I felt so helpless and vulnerable! More so with the broken collarbone of course.)

Shoulders are also about the burdens we carry, how we carry them. How's your joy atm? (This is mind/body/spirit stuff- I find it helpful but it may not be your thing)

Huge hugs Blue,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I hear what you're saying, but I have to disagree to some extent. To my mind, getting on top of the refinance is putting me first. The odd sick day here and there isn't going to heal me, it's just a Band-aid. I'm looking down the barrel of months of appointments on and off just to find the cause of my problems, never mind fix them. If that's to be the case, then reducing my need for money is paramount as I have very little sick leave remaining, the bills keep coming and I have a family to provide for. There won't be any healing if I have to keep pushing myself to meet higher expenses and pay through the nose for specialists Medicare doesn't fully cover and tests it doesn't cover at all. Nice thought, but not a realistic one. What I will do is tackle one money saving effort at a time, with my partner's help, and reduce my need to work. This is a long term problem, I can't play a short term game with it.

Sure the mortgage hasn't gone up, but I'm paying more than I need to be and those resources are needed for steadily mounting medical bills. I am taking stock of how much time I'm spending on the refinance and have thankfully done the greater part of it before the worst of my shoulder trouble got going. Now it's just down to a few e-mails and signatures, I think, most of the work is behind me. You will be pleased to know, I'm sure, that like with the forums I check/answer my e-mails only twice a day and that's it. Balancing things as best I can.

Great that your bank manager did that, really takes some of the stress out of it. Yeah, they see it all anyway. Kind of is like them rummaging through your undies drawer, I agree. And they sure are nitpicking more than ever before with covid apparently causing more people to refinance. I wouldn't mind if the woman nitpicking my finances were at least accurate in her observations and questions, she's a bit of a dunce if you ask me (I know, I know, the 97%).

I'm loving having my diary and pencil, EM, cheers for the nudge. I'm not putting it away, as all those medical appointments are in there. Good to have an overarching look at them, to make sure I'm not overloading my week. And erasing things, that's good fun! I was able to get my physio apt. & medical certificate both today, so tomorrow the real rest begins. Driving to those did not help.

Shoulder has sure distracted me from my triggers!

Thanks for such a complimentary description of me. But yes, just one woman, I know.

You bet I got this. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I don't think research and hard work will look pretty in an ornate glass bottle, though. Maybe it would be more like a crystal ball, a mystical look at someone's toil? That's a neat concept. 🙂

Oh dear, it's a terrible time to be a fairy! Haha, no fairies in Star Trek, no. That said, I do love fantasy stories, though more the grittier kind that don't tend to have fairies. Elves are like bigger, hotter fairies without wings, do they count? My partner has a bit of a Tolkien elf look, gods, the man is gorgeous. But I digress...

Thanks. Sorry if I worried you. I have had to back off typing messages and stuff for a while, it's exacerbating my shoulder, unfortunately.

Yeah, it does suck, and it is a very important joint. Can't imagine trying to manage with a broken collarbone, that's a pretty serious injury. Hope you had plenty of support, going through that.

Okay, I'll bite re the mind/body/spirit stuff. I'm all for getting different perspectives. How's my joy? Actually kinda good for the moment because I had a good enough reason to take some sick leave. The long stretch at work really sucks and I had no desire to do it. Of course I wouldn't shirk my responsibility without a legitimate reason, so as much as I'm not enjoying the shoulder pain, it's done me a favour.

One-armed hugs back, haha.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

well that’s interesting! The body is funny like that. Sometimes it just... hijacks the situation and inadvertently gives us what we need! So the problems with your shoulder, painful as it is, is relieving pressure elsewhere maybe?

might be time for a change of vocation...?! ( please don’t logic that- just maybe... let yourself consider, dream something else into being- what would it look like?)

Hot elves- oh yeeesss! Although Strider was more my crush lol! And Liv Tyler makes a very smouldering elf....

I like that you have to stop yourself from describing your lovely man 😉

broken collarbone happened whilst travelling overseas completely alone. I don’t know why I didn’t come home, except that I had a broken heart and life at the time. Backpacking .... yeah, it slowed me down. Pretty hard to carry a pack with a broken collarbone! Magical trip tho .

Hmm. Considering that in light of carrying ones burdens! Irony?

missed you Blue, glad you can type again 🙂

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, I thought that, too. Body is forcing me to stop -I'm doing more than it to handle, so it's damaged. Pity it's a short-term stop. Long term it's a bigger problem as I have very little remaining sick leave and my shoulder isn't looking to be better any time soon.

You said "might be time for a change of vocation...?!" Please, please, please don't say that. Do you know how often I get "Have you thought about getting a different job?"? I've been miserable in my job for almost twenty years. Would I have done anything but spend the majority of that time thinking, planning, trying to get the hell out? Of course I have, and that vain idea never leaves the radar for a second, even now. Please, never that question. Nigh twenty years, so much energy bent on change, it has availed me nothing. Most efforts to leave have at the most basic steps have resulted in mental overload and major breakdowns or where I've pushed just a bit further before the breakdown hits, just plain failure. Doesn't help that after all those years of trying to determine what I even want to do instead, I'm coming up empty - honestly, I just don't want more indentured servitude in any field, period. For that matter I don't really have a concept of work meaning anything but misery and being trapped. Ultimate plan, reduce expenses to the point of barely needing to work. Some success in that area, it's the only thing I appear to be good at as far as money/work goes. Sorry, that question really triggers me at this stage. You can't work this hard and fail this consistently at changing something for this long without feeling pretty vile about the whole subject.

Aragorn was okay. A bit too "perfect" though. I actually fancied Boromir, that flawed but noble spirit - he had a journey to undertake. But the Elf aesthetic with my partner's (kind of emo) personality - perfect combination (way hotter than Liv Tyler, or even Orlando Bloom). Yeah, I could go on about my partner for days.

Wow, that sounds ridiculously stressful. Maybe you should think back on that time if you ever question your resilience - what better example of it?

Ugh, burdens. Hard to be the breadwinner when more than two more sick days means no money, and working with this shoulder like it is could mean worse. Easter is coming, things are about to get real hairy for a broken down old warhorse in retail.

Thanks. I'll still not do too much typing, it's not done hurting, just gotta limit my time doing it.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Oh Blue,

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like when I talk about work with my H. He's my breadwinner- lucky cos I'm such a dreamer!

Anyhow he ends up saying pretty much the same thing as you, just gotta keep working, get the house paid off and then retire.

I wish it could be different for all of us.

I hate it that some ppl get filthy rich being bastards and others just have to slave away for pittance. Sorry thats probably triggering.

But hey, you say "I don't really have a concept of work meaning anything but misery and being trapped. "

Thats worth a look at. I'm not sure in what way, but maybe even just allowing yourself to be open to thinking differently about work....? I don't mean the work you do, altho that could happen. I mean, I know I kinda went "What?!" when I learnt that ppl were making big bucks making apps, which they loved doing. To me it felt like cheating. I come from the era when computer games were a waste of time, not a lucrative employment. But some ppl think outside the square, and end up working and doing what they love.

Absolutely don't push it tho Blue. Just a thought.

Thanks for that thought re:resilience. I'll keep that.

I've been reflecting a lot on how much of my life I've been essentially alone. I think I'm making peace with it. About time! After all, I often can't tolerate company, so understanding my need for aloneness is pretty key to a good life...:)

My H isn't of the same mindset tho....Hmmm.

I never liked the perfection of Orlando Bloom tbh.

How is your lovely partner? Is he progressing in his recovery? Must be hard for him seeing you struggle with working and not able to do anything much.

I'll still hold onto the thought of that magical elixar for you Blue. Sometimes we need a little magic. And prayers, to whatever we hold sacred.

Hugs,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue (and a wave to J* and others reading)

Yeah I kinda knew you'd probably respond like that to me saying put your health first.
You sound like me, describing the urgency of re-mortgaging, when I'm chock full of anxiety.

I know I apologised in one of our other threads we talk on, so many! But I love that.
But I'll apologise again.

I never intend to trigger anything negative in you. Triggers, nothing. So I'm sorry.

Sparkles yes! But I know so little of Star Trek, my BF would have a better chance sparkling you! LOL!

In reflection of this and my own reaction to when ppl were telling me to calm down during the urgency of the Courts fiasco, it was like I HAD CONTROL over the pace of it all. Which I had zero control over. I was the one being slammed. Squeezed. Pressured for more $$ than I could ever have. Working, kids, lawyers, Barristers, Court's demands.
It was demon's evil intent TO slam me and overwhelm me etc etc. (Yes J* I had God on my side so finances came like the loaves and fishes story and yes I won lol).

So my baseline is quite different to yours.

I still hear the "urgency" of matters.
And I agree that all the changes you're making will improve your life immeasurably.

It's your life after all, I'd never oppose your decisions!

I guess when we're feeling empowered, to know that within our lives we have CHOICES, then our perspective may change.
Feeling more in control.

Grounding ourselves and the anxiety down until it diminishes and disappears.

Our POWER does this.

Minus anxiety, we can travel through it more efficiently. Scheduling sensibly. Etc.

It's raining here today after a HOT couple of days.
Poodle is off to the groomer lol and I'm off to buy a TV on sale a way away. Alexa found it and it's half the price I was going to spend at a store nearby lol. Saving $350 is pretty good! Spending $350 a necessity to have the CCTVs working.

Alexa and the kids are coming over for a Celebratory dinner tonight. My grandson, who's been a reluctant reader has increased his reading levels by 100%!! So we're celebrating his achievements! LOL!
And son's Promotion!
Alexa will hook up the CCTVs to the new TV. Yay!

Thai food sounds great. They walk our dinner around the corner and deliver for free. Yay!

Looks like my work Psych is planning to move to S.A.!! YOU GUYS GET HER!!! She is so wonderful. I'll allow that "gift" to you guys lol.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I know you meant well, we're all good.

Your husband's thoughts are a step up from mine - I think by the time I hit the current retirement age, there won't be one any more. Pay the house off (maybe), then perish, that's pretty much my expectation at this point.

I've tried to change my thinking about work. Unfortunately I know it for the superficial falsehood it is, my fundamental belief about work remains, and that won't shift easily or at all, given the mountain of evidence to back it up. Heck, I'm reading those very words in Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Working is a trap to benefit someone else, and he's right. I am trying to learn all I can about investing and making my wealth my own instead of being someone else's slave for the rest of my days. Some small hope for maybe retiring before I'm 80, or at all.

Nope, no pushing myself about work right now. Current focus is break back expenses as much as possible to work less if I can, and work on building my own wealth outside of my employment. Might work, might not, but got to at least try a different system - clearly staying in the rat race isn't working for me.

Good, gotta have some positives in your toolbox. Remembering resilience is now one of them.

Making peace with being alone is good. Though when you say "essentially alone" do you mean actually on your own, or devoid of support? I think the former from how you've said it, but just checking. For me, very much the latter and so help me, if I was gonna be alone I'd have rathered do it by myself!

As for being actually alone, I get you about not wanting company. Is your husband in your space more than you'd like? I realise how few days on my own I've had since my partner moved in. Personally I think it is good and healthy in a relationship to have the odd day apart - if hubby is an extrovert, try to work it so he goes out with friends (when covid isn't making that impossible) so you can have you time. My partner is introverted like me, but he gets his alone time because I work. Me, I can count on one hand the number of days to myself I've had in almost a year. It's not good for me.

Orlando is pretty. Doesn't really hold the attention like the more characterful face of Sean Bean, for instance, though.

My partner is doing a lot better. He'll be back at uni this year. Good for him, good for me. Yeah, he does hate seeing how much harm work does to me. He helps with stuff at home to make things easier that way.

I'm not a praying woman. Open to some magic.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

We're not dissimilar in some things. I do think that achieving things toward putting less pressure on my body is working in the interest of my health. The longer it takes to break my costs back, the more I have to work for longer, prolonging healing time and ultimately working against healing. It's a long-term game, like I said. There's only so much that can be done in the short term, changes have to happen to minimise how much more damage is done. I'm sure you understand.

Again, no apology needed, I see your point and the nudge has reminded me to strive for balance as I work my way through my goals. No pushing too hard, it has been heard. And no, no triggers have been hit.

Sparkles, in Star Trek? Well, I guess the transporter sparkles.

I do understand the place you were in through the court business. Sometimes you're pushed so hard, so you throw yourself at it to just get it done, it's like a twisted version of control. When it drags on for years, as we have both experienced with various things, the illusion of control does fade somewhat.

The way the refinance is dragging on, the sense of urgency is rather diminished. I check my e-mails, grumble at inaccuracies, send back corrections, blah blah. Doing it at my own pace, since it doesn't seem to make any difference when I just get on with it - that's when they flip from being pushy to dragging their heels. It's driving me nuts. Still, I'll do what I can in a measured but timely fashion and hopefully get this crap done with inside a month. Then take a breath, and tackle insulation. Breathe again, tackle solar. So on and soforth. These are my decisions, accounting for the reminder to slow down a bit and not ruin myself in the effort. In this way I do feel sufficiently in control of the bits I can control and am loosening my grip on the bits I can't. All I can reasonably do, to maintain balance.

We had a similar period of heat then rain. It's so refreshing when the rain comes.

I bet poodle will come home looking great. 🙂 Good work on the TV, half price is significant with a purchase that size, all the better when it's a necessary expense you couldn't have put off.

More things to celebrate, I'm glad for you all. And Thai food sounds good, I love Thai food. Free delivery, even better.

Haha, thank you for your gracious gift. I'm sure she'll find plenty of business here!

Blue.