Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

It's fine to not know what to say. I appreciate you stopping in, that is support in itself. 🙂

Hope you're doing okay.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

These conversations have brought up a bit of stuff. I don't think much about psycho ex these days, but he's a somewhat watered down version of your demon, EM. Much more cowardly and less brazen, certainly. Before I came along he'd been fired from his job. Told most of his family he got a redundancy package, hardy har. In reality his mother paid his mortgage and most of his bills, despite how appallingly he treated her. You know, I confronted her about that, she said she knew it wasn't good, but "He's my son". Yeah, woman, he's your son - teach him to stand on his own two feet!

When I ditched that ex, he was calling and stalking me constantly. But, coward. Soon as I called the cops I was thankfully rid of him. Real piece of work, that one. Cops should never be a feature of a relationship, even at its end.

Irrelevant to that, the last couple of days I have been triggering pretty badly. The extreme fatigue I've been dealing with isn't helping, exhaustion does poor things for emotional regulation.

Dealing with refinancing the house, and enquiring about solar I've found myself amidst a barrage of phone calls and e-mails and appointments (some for the finance stuff, mostly medical appointments, but a lot to take on board). I know these things are by choice and to better my situation, but boy are they sending my mind backward. After splitting with the ex and trying to keep the house, that was what I was pushing myself through around severe exhaustion from having to work way more than I was capable of sustaining to pay for said keeping of house. Same again re having to move because of the whole bollocks with that revolting neighbour. Same yet again having to sell the "investment" property (the old house I kept when I moved), when it sent me broke. This stuff is really hitting me like a tonne of bricks right now. Not doing so good with it.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Blues, I'm ok. How are you?

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I'm glad you're okay. Me, been better. Extreme fatigue making everything harder than it needs to be, have to dig up enough energy to see a specialist about that (never mind the money I don't have). Getting triggered a lot by things lately too. It's just been a crap week so far.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and Tay and J*

Blue I'm sorry you're experiencing so much fatigue, and the triggers on top.

Those constant calls, issues with money etc can trigger a time before when WE HAD NO CHOICE but to deal.

Being pushed into a corner by another person's actions full stop.

Now, for you and for me, it's different.

YOU are calling the shots by your CHOICES to:
* refinance
* investigate solar
* investigate help to improve your health.

I worked my butt off for a solid 2y after the Courts fiasco ended (Alexa's separation fiasco began before my Courts had finished and her and the kids were living here too)....

I was in such a hurry to improve things... to get back on track.... to do every thing I could to change things.

Yes I know you feel like your health is not a choice but it is!
We can ignore things like many ppl do.
But we don't.

This has landed in our lap and we make a choice to deal.

You can space the other stuff out.
Just to give yourself some breathing space!

YOU CAN CONTROL THOSE.

It is a different time and you can SEE it differently to back then.

No choices VS autonomy, agency, choices.

You can say to the Banks AND to the Solar people, hey I'll think about it and get back to you in June. Please don't contact me. I'll contact you.
DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND.

Feeling like a pinball in a pinball machine is one sure way of being triggered to times in our past.

Knowing we now have CHOICES helps eliminate the triggers.

Not sure if you can tell but my Counsellor's Head Psych called me before work this morning, concerned about me, she always does this when I cancel or change appointments lol.
I was on the wait list for an endoscopy and also on the cancellation wait list. They called yesterday and I go in next Tuesday. Had to cancel my Counselling same afternoon, that's all. I rescheduled.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi EM, and others.

Blue, sorry to hear about your fatigue, I hope it gets better.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

you don’t sound so good.

the good thing is, you know what’s happening, and why. You understand you have choices, and you will excercise those choices, even if it’s like Em says and just empty your plate, for now. Those solar dudes can be pushy! And the ones I talked to had this tiny window in which to say yes or no. Well H did it for us- said NO. ( he likes his money in the bank!)

it’s funny not funny how to get better, stronger, we have to push thru our blockages. It’s like things become worse for a bit, I guess cos we’re not avoiding it any more. But you just do what you can with it right now. If your energy is low, it’s good to listen to your body, go with the flow.
I know you’re tough, but you can be gentle too, just remember that.

i posted my d’s card today. Spent the afternoon on the couch, numb and angry and sad. I am not even processing it right now it’s so numb. Bad thoughts again. Feelings of worthlessness.
ive been here before. I don’t know why it’s happening now but I guess it’s why I’ve been avoiding writing and sending that card.
maybe it’s like when the hero is fighting the monster, and you think it’s dead, and then at the last minute it springs up and delivers a mortal blow. It takes the fairy queens magic elixir to bring the hero back.

we are the hero’s.

we are fighting monsters.

I do believe in fairies.

love
J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks. It really, really sucks.

Yup, that's the trigger. I know this time it's me pushing myself - getting a refinance done is something one shouldn't prolong if possible. The last thing I need is to have to dig up another round of payslips/bank statements/etc., so in that way I am pushed into a corner to stop more work piling up on me. Also the sooner it gets done, the sooner I can reduce my mortgage and get the cash to fix some stuff to save us more money - i.e. the building blocks of being able to reduce my work hours further. It's not a person but my health forcing that need on me, so not an entirely different situation.

That said, my health undermines those efforts as well, I was incapable of doing much more than sleep for several days over the last couple of weeks and the refinance people had to wait for my answers - I got my partner to flick them an e-mail to say I'm a bit overloaded and would get back to them on whatever day it was that I thought I could. I have put solar on the backburner for now, and will be going over the bits I know and the questions I have with my partner so he can help me investigate when we're ready. I'm generally the driving force and the one with all the knowledge about financial things, but solar is still pretty hazy for me, I need to know a lot more.

Healthwise, I'm doing my best to chase things up, but at the moment it's a bit of a merry-go-round of what is more pressing. It was my back a couple of months ago but now (at least for the time being) that's not too bad. Then my shoulder because work and driving were exacerbating it, then the fatigue took centre stage, now it's the shoulder again since the "treatment" has made it worse. Aargh! I'm really chasing my tail with this crap, getting no answers or improvements. I actually seemed to be getting on better by not investigating my health, it's just a bloody Pandora's box.

So yeah, choices but limited and constantly being redirected by various pressing matters coming to the fore in ways I'd be doing myself more damage to put off. End result, still a pinball, even with setting some of it aside. Doing my best to find some balance in there somewhere. Hard not to be triggered though, that's for sure.

Kinda good that you are prioritised to the point of them checking up if you have to shift an appointment. They clearly take your situation seriously.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

Thanks. No luck with that so far, but now my shoulder is buggered so my focus has shifted. Yay?

I like your new pic. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, I've been better.

Yup, I know the what and the why. Have emptied my plate as much as possible, which is admittedly rather less than I'd have liked. No trouble telling pushy sales people to back off, I'm pretty good at saying no. This little black duck does not make large financial decisions without a heck of a lot of research and consideration.

Yeah, the old adage "It gets worse before it gets better" is true. In my case it's less about "not avoiding it any more" than having to look at it in a different light, so I guess re-confrontation and having to unpack it all with new understanding. Same as revisiting any job that needs doing on an infrequent basis. Gets a bit ugly in there, spiders wander out and bite you. But even that's been on the backburner for now, the ol' fatigue and my dodgy shoulder have been screaming at me to do something about them and if I want to deal with anything at all, they both have to be addressed first. Ugh. I was busy, damn it.

Good work, posting the card. Sorry you're feeling so down about it, though, that part sucks.

Yeah, mental health stuff sure is like that monster. Wish it would just stay down already. I'm not a huge believer in heroes or fairies, I'm afraid. I do believe ordinary people have much better potential than they let themselves live up to. Guess that makes my "fairy queen's elixir" research and hard work. A bit unromantic, but that's what works.

Kind thoughts to you.

Blue.