Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

You're getting to where you want to be. Getting all those goals achieved will bring some relief I'm sure.

It's a struggle to get it all done! You're handling it all, which is huge. Hugs.

Forgot to answer the car question on the other thread, sorry. Yes son bought his friend's car for $2k which is awesome. Now he has lots of savings still in the bank and no loan from me. He did his first Manager's training shift Sat night and went well. He's feeling good (except for his broken heart which we know can take a LONG time to heal).
Rego not due till Sept which is great.

I'm feeling crappy, my insides are still trying to heal. Feel unwell and uncomfortable. Yuck.
Feel sad over BF.
Fell asleep after ending our call.
Did some kid's pickups and they'd eaten dinner so went back to bed.
Kids had a watching soccer party downstairs and I didn't hear a thing, just slept.
Around 7h sleep in total.

I'm in for a huge week; 5 days work, sore feet, all the other stuff with kids before & after work.
With the feelings of unwellness and "things" with BF, I'm noticing waves of anxiety and depressive feelings coming in.

I need to remember self-care as a go to. Maybe I need post-it notes to remind me! lol.

Yvette has her Traineeship paperwork to take to school for their approval (WE HOPE) and sign off. Then mine.
I have no idea what's actually entailed there for her, so a bit of anxiety with that.
But she wants it so that's the most important thing.

You're doing really well Blue.
Hope we see some rapid healing on the physical stuff.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Slowly, slowly getting there. One dogged step at a time. I guess it's what I'm good at.

It is a bit of a struggle, but at this point with the refinance people dragging their heels and various of my medical appointments coming with longer and longer waits, it's not exactly an overwhelming flow any more. It's actually now at the point where I'd like to just get on with it! Anyway, thanks for the vote of confidence. Hugs back.

Yep, saw about the car on my money thread, he did really well (with several months rego, that's even better). Glad to see his manager training is off to a good start. The broken heart will heal in time, that's something that can't be rushed. He's doing things that are good for him, that's important.

I understand how you're feeling. I think given your history with men (and I experience this, too), any sign things are less than perfect flings up red flags for us and we take it hard. I have moments like that with my partner, too. He does pretty much everything right, but when he doesn't, it hurts so much more than it would if I hadn't had such a backlog of incredibly bad experience with men. I know you question everything in these moments - it's natural to do so after everything you've been through. Please try and apply logic to the pros and cons, and potential solutions to the cons. When depression is in the mix, our emotions tend to swing in extreme ways, and as J* said on your thread, those aren't the moments for decision making. If you can't shove the emotions in the corner and logic your way through like I do (and you probably shouldn't, I'm given to understand it's not a healthy strategy), then sit with them or wait them out, then come back to your worries with a clearer head to understand what you need and how to move forward.

It sounds like you're really overwhelmed by everything at the moment, EM. Easily recognised considering I know that feeling well. Your health, your exhaustion, all your commitments are getting the better of you. If you can pull back at all, give yourself the "you" time you need, please do. Yes, get onto that self-care. Post-it's aren't a silly idea, I've been known to do things like that so I don't just forget to do the things that are best for me.

Fingers crossed for Yvette's traineeship goals. I don't think you need to worry about what that entails, it will be okay.

Thank you. Some progress with the shoulder, wrote about it on my main thread.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Such good news there's some improvement with your shoulder. I'm so relieved to hear it!
Hopefully it gets steadily and permanently (lol) BETTER!

Oh look refinancing for a new home loan is a total pain in the rear end, no butts about it lol.
It's like a really annoying "hurry up and wait" game on repeat with no due date.
Did you apply to ONE bank or several?
Just curious.

Yeah I didn't so much feel overwhelmed, more like really disappointed.
It's more the disappointment of not being able to have our "Trip of a lifetime" over Summer, and missing his Surprise Birthday party I was organising that also couldn't go ahead.
There's so "little" for us to do for each other now or with each other, it was like all my hopes pinned on that simple sentiment. On that one day.

In a LDR, it's the little things that are the big things.
Bec there isn't anything else.

I won't keep going bec he's missing me so much atm and worse now since the weekend, that it just makes me sad talking about it atm.
He travelled through a blizzard today, driving and talking with me.
This relationship is wrought with "danger" in that he's always in dangerous situations.

Made worse for the fact he lives in a Covid riddled country.
AND repairs instruments in Labs with Covid warnings everywhere, due to their testing IN those Labs.

I have to check my anxiety levels. Often.

Changing the subject lol. The kids are ALL doing well.
Omg Yvette just transferred $300 to my account to keep safe (from her French Perfumery collection bulging further lol!).. for her first car! LOL! I knew it was coming!
She's not old enough to get her Ls yet!

Alexa transferred the $5k back tonight! YAY!
That's the insurance money to repair my roof lol.

P.son must be missing us more than usual. He's texting alot this week.

Yes, thankyou for the reminder to keep things in the rational sphere.
I love visualising the Covey concentric circles diagram (behind our loo door lol) of what's within our "Circle of Influence" and what's OUTSIDE it.

He teaches that by concentrating on the WITHIN our influence circle, it widens.

You and I grinding away at our finances is an example of this.
Each of us could've (easily) been homeless but bec of what each of us DID, we have a home.
That's awesome.

Feb is a heavy expenses month for me.
March should see things clear for about a month lol, I'll get the CCTVs done then.
AND FEEL BETTER there too!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, fingers crossed it continues improving. On that note, I ought to do my physio exercises. They're helping a lot.

Ha, yep, it's a pain in the behind all right. Very much "hurry up and wait", I hate that game. We applied for one, then the broker said they had funny ideas about what retirement age was, relative to me (the eldest applicant) being expected to pay the loan before that age. The numbers didn't work, so we took the option of applying for a different one. Now they want to value the place separately so we're backward in the process. Aaargh.

I understand. The smaller disappointment brought up the feelings of the much larger one of having to be apart for so long. I understand, of course the little things become big ones in your situation. That's true in most situations, like mine with my partner having no money and both of us in poor health - it's the little things every day that make life bearable and keep us strong as a couple. Have you Googled ways to be romantic in a long distance relationship. I'm willing to bet you'd find something. Even doing a candle-lit dinner via video call or something? Gotta think outside the box.

Not quite the same, but I know well the concern for your man's safety, given transplant wasn't a known option when my partner and I got together. There was no expectation we would have many years together. Never mind that long stretch apart thanks to covid, that was hell, not really knowing if I would ever touch him again. Yup, gotta watch your state of mind, it is hard.

On that subject, I have recently been getting a lot of flashbacks to my partner's time in hospital and the surrounding stuff. All the time apart, and the agony he was in when I first saw him after the surgery. Struggling with that.

All is well with your offspring, saving and communicating, and repaying money loaned. These are good things.

No problem. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being rational. I chuckled at your concentric circles diagram being on the loo door. I don't put up anything that is wakeful, gotta keep stuff that gets the brain going in places I can put it down so my mind doesn't run away with me when I need to sleep. That said, I like the concept you're talking about. You're right about our take on finances, our actions have kept us from going under and that is no small thing.

I hear ya. Dec-Feb are heavy for me, and minus two months of the usual saving I would have done. We'll get there.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Without going too much into it for each of us, it's not surprising you're having flashbacks to that traumatic time.
My psych friend said to me that it's called POST traumatic stress... bec so often the effects of the trauma occur AFTER the event. Sometimes well afterwards.

At the time you had no option but to cope.

And now you still do but possibly with the POST trauma stuff happening now.
Hugs.
It's tough.

I'm so grateful the transplant option DID become available for him and YOU!
If I keep talking about it I'm gonna cry so I'll leave it there.

What a beautiful love story.

Blue it's so crappy but the Banks were forced to bring in all those minute, yet huge to us, considerations before approving long term mortgage applications DURING the Royal Commission into Financial Institutions.

Same happened with me.
Delays bec of processing my "age" & needing the full mortgage paid out BEFORE retirement age - whatever that is lol!

With the added issues of my dependents and the number of them.
They refused to calculate in the Child Support for various reasons.

It was so close!
We actually made the deadline with 13 MINUTES to spare... by the Court Orders.
15 minutes later and I could have lost the house. Forced sale in the cruel conditions set out by demon.

Anyway, it's in the past now.

I just want to grab everything I can in the NOW and squeeze everything I can out of it.

Thankyou for your suggestion about Googling ways to keep things going in a LDR.
That's a lovely idea.
Although the romantic dinner would be funny since it would be 1pm here while it's 6pm there lol.

BF has never wanted to do a face time call.
He's far more "weirded out" by his appearance now than I am or ever will be about mine OR his lol.
His looks have changed dramatically over his lifetime.
Funny thing (yeah I'm full of fun tonight! lol) is that I would never have called Tom Selleck "handsome" but seeing younger pics of BF, that's who he looked like. Super fit too.

He has a lovely olive skin complexion.
He's extremely handsome to me. Even though he disagrees, he accepts the compliment.

I think I'm afraid of getting closer to him.
I'd love that if we were together but being apart it seems dangerous for me.

All the risks he was facing last year (and still does now) sent my anxiety stratospheric. Including my mother's situation Alexa was asking help with.

I feel the need to detach somewhat for "safety".
Moreso to LIVE in the now more.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey girls,

I'm honestly not sure how I feel after reading about you two and your romances. It's painful and heart wrenching and I'm half envious and half relieved- if that makes sense....?

Half envious becos I LOVE a good romance- oh Blue! the way you talk about your partner gives me thrills!- and half relieved cos I'm not sure if I really want to go back to the days of uncertainty and heartache.....

Altho H went to bed tonite with hardly even a peck on my cheek, and as d is away at a friends, it was just us all afternoon. The only time we got even slightly intimate or romantic was when I was stroking his back. Which I sometimes do. And he always says how nice it is, and I subtly reply, yes, it's lovely to just be touched sometimes..... But he doesn't get it and doesn't touch me. Unless ...you know.

oh dear. See why I am envious?

But, It's very non distracting Em. I have plenty of time for me, my own interests and thoughts and moments. I guess there are benefits.

I can really hear what you mean about being afraid to get closer, with everything. Relationships are scary enough without being LD or amongst the threat of covid.

Out of interest, what values did you identify for yourself with your work re Brene Brown? Was courage one of them? Becos you strike me as incredibly brave, no matter what. I think mine mite be honesty and caring.

Blue my H is almost always home when I am home. His work takes him out at odd hours, when I am mostly asleep, and he doesn't have friends close by that he visits, he likes to talk to them on the phone. So when I get a day to myself it's like this gift. I sometimes dream of taking my tent and camping out by the beach, by myself, for days on end. H and T would be horrified by these thoughts. They would want to come too! I love that they are both in my life. I would love it more if I got a chance to miss them!

Essential aloneness- like when you really don't have someone who gets you, who faces life and all it's struggles with you, who sometimes has the wisdom, or picks you up when it's all getting too much. Lots of actual aloneness for me (unlike Ems life lol!) as well as the 'alone in a crowded room' syndrome.

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* and BLUE! How are you girls?

oh dear J* that's really horrible. I totally get the half relived half envious lol atm I'm RELIEVED.

I know Blue and I have had some really "challenging" (lol for want of actual ADJECTIVES GRRR) relationships!

Seriously they can be SOOO frustrating and you can have a broken heart on repeat even IN them!

Please J* have you talked with your H about it?

YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT.
It's so obvious how gorgeous you are (I think I be missing a WIFE lol!), how attentive and "there" for others.

PLEASE put your demands on a list and work through them SOME HOW.

Anyway that's it.
We are going CAMPING on a beautiful beach with turquoise waters, rolling waves, a cute little camp fire.
NICE SHOWERS near by! lol.
Let's paint our toenails lol.

Oh I miss the days of staying in my cozzies for days on end!
I bought new cozzies at the beginning of Dec and am wearing them for the FIRST TIME right now! Grrr and YAY!

I feel better for wearing them ahhh.

Re: work with Brene Brown.
I don't think I've read that part.
Yes I'm most definitely courageous. I just am. But I choose my battles. I don't take everything on (I think lol).
My dad was an Astrologer (after being a Missionary lol) and he did my natal chart.
I have Scorpio rising, that means ppl first see a caring, gentle person who loves animals and children....

But get PAST that and you see one hell of a LION.
And as my dad said "when your back's against the wall, the Scorpion tails comes out and watch out for that sting!"

To BE courageous you HAVE to be vulnerable.
Just be willing to be exposed, even our inner most shame.

Yes I do that too obviously but PICK the ppl to be vulnerable with.
ONLY those who have your back AND ONLY those whom you TRUST and those who'll pull you up when you're outta line lol. That's all Brene.

Love you lots!
We've got your back J*!

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, well after the fact. I'm quite good at pushing down my stress in the moment and just getting on with what I have to do. As soon as the need for full engagement with the situation eases just a little - while there's still a lot to push through, as you say - the flashbacks and stress and insecurities come knocking on the door. I think I call my partner more now than I did before we were living together, just checking he's okay and wanting to connect.

Ha. I hate love stories as a general rule, but I guess I am living one. It's different when you're in it. Every day I am thankful that transplant happened. From the way the surgery went, the indication was that it happened not a moment too soon.

Sounds like what my mum would call an "eleventh hour save" with your house. I can only imagine the level of stress you were under at the time. You can breathe, now, knowing that is behind you.

Honestly, it's not unusual for me to Google stuff my partner and I can do under various conditions - being broke, being in isolation, etc., to keep things fresh and fun. It's easy to get stuck in a rut over time. As for dinner, it can be whenever you want it to be!

Weird that your partner doesn't want to video call. Sure how he looks may be changing, but the expectation is that sooner or later you'll be seeing him in person - surely he doesn't want that to be a rude surprise. I dunno, maybe that's just me being practical.

My partner likewise doesn't think much of his looks, especially since the surgery - he doesn't care about the scars, but the little bit of puffiness in his face from the meds he's on (really not that significant) he hates. I still think he's the most beautiful person on the planet. He says he accepts that I mean it when I say it, he just doesn't agree.

I do understand the feeling of needing to detach. There was a bit of that for me during our couple of months apart, and again with the surgery. My emotions kind of shut down for the most part, only coming to the fore really when I was with him in person. It's an inbuilt failsafe for me, and frankly a very helpful one.

Got the bathers out, finally? Good stuff. I haven't been to the beach at all this year. Again. Until a handful of years ago there wouldn't be a Summer I wouldn't spend a bunch of time swimming. Something has gone seriously awry.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Oh, I completely get it. We've both had very bad relationships in the past, but got to something better. Something to be glad you avoided in the case of the former. The latter, well, I got to a good one because I fought my way to this point - trial by fire first. But I am very aware of how lucky I am to have found my partner.

I see where your envy comes from, J*, but I also see a pattern. If you'll forgive my observation, I think maybe you could afford to be less subtle in communicating with your husband. Your average man doesn't do subtlety. They don't want to guess what is wanted or needed, they want to hear it straight. Sure that doesn't seem too romantic, but coming from someone who likewise wants straightforward communication and no room for misunderstandings, it is absolutely the way to go. In the moment you'll feel awkward and things may not go how you want them to, but then there's a phase of rumination, and if your husband hears you and cares, you'll start to see him doing little things you've said you need from him.

Another thing to note is that people show love how they want to receive it. You've mentioned he tends to want to fix your problems. He may also fix things around the house & stuff like that. To him, he may be romantic as heck, but because the expressions of love you need aren't the same, you're not feeling it. Without the upfront communication, most people just don't see the needs of the other in relationships (sometimes not even then, but let's hope that's not your situation). There aren't too many disparities between what I and my partner need, but it comes up, and we regularly talk about anything one or the other of us is needing more (or less) of.

As for having alone time, have you considered asking your hubby to go out somewhere for the day to give you that time? (Yes, I have asked that of my partner at times.) As for taking a tent and disappearing for a few days, why not do so? It may not be a popular decision at first, but you may find the benefits of you coming home refreshed and feeling good might just give your family some perspective on the need for it.

Okay, I understand the essential aloneness. Until my partner I really didn't have that person who saw/understood/supported me. Also I've lived alone on and off, even when seeing someone, and was more often content and productive than lonely. Alone on your own is good, in company it is crippling.

Saw on EM's thread you're struggling. Wanna talk about it?

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I liked your posts, I love how you, me and J* can sift through "our stuff" and have each other to bounce off and even MIRROR lol.

Talking about mirrors, I love them, love how they reflect light and everything.

I've never really been one concerned about the looks of another person.
I know this is where BF and I differ lol! It's okay.
Now he's extremely self conscious about his looks.
Remembering whom his parents and older siblings were and HOW they were, it doesn't take much to know where his self consciousness comes from.

They all looked like stunning Movie Stars - seriously.
But all kinds of self care to KEEP looking like that (excluding surgery thank the Lord lol) was maintained.
Yesterday BF told me his dad made a pretty shocking, critical comment to him last year about his looks.

Nice! Thanks DAD! (No wonder no face time!)
Great! so all that came out in light of Qlder hmmm.

BF says I'm stunning and wish he was too. (But also said he likes when we're together bec he imagines ppl saying "wow that girl is with THAT guy?" lol but not funny).
He is stunning! He really is.
He has so much charisma when he's happy. An expert comedian lol.
He told me yesterday (again) that he was depressed.
I told him he needed to find out what will "move" this.

Anyway I appreciate that all of us lucky enough to grow older will indeed lose our appearance of youth but not our beauty. Inner beauty mostly bec that's all that really matters to me.

I agree about being explicit with our partners. Sometimes it needs tact but explicit all the way.

Guess work is NOT good for relationships.

I also agree with the different "love languages" of people.
Mine is "service" & gifts of endearment so that's what I DO for others.
I also express my love & gratitude through words of appreciation. But get embarrassed when ppl do that to me. I am still trying to work on that 50y later!

I send texts all the time to my kids saying something specific. Santa and the Easter Bunny DID too! lol! I wrote letters to each of the kids pointing out exact events they were awesome in, like being kind to others, helping, caring thru actions.
Now they do these letters for their own children.

It's beautiful but ALL my kids said I've set them up to be disappointed by their partners... oh dear. Can't win 'em all.

Love EM