Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Nothing useful from the tests. Cortisol levels normal. Antibodies for glandular fever (i.e. I've had it at some point) but nothing to suggest it's currently active. No answer, and no suggestion for what else to look into, just "address lifestyle things" - I work less than I've worked in years, I'm more wiped than when I worked twice this much, gimme a damn break.

So I gather you had quite a run-in with a deli slicer? Those things are nasty, I've seen a few colleagues hurt themselves on those. Dunno about a hand therapist, and not likely to see a GP, it's the plastic surgeon I've been seeing (the GP got a bit freaked out by my injury and referred me on). Yes, any medical expenses related to the hand are covered by work.

We were hoping to get to some of that yesterday with his hospital appointment, but he ended up in emergency instead, another day of vomiting a lot. On top of that we were parked across the road (we were coming in for both his hospital appointment and one for my finger), and the pay station for the park wasn't working, I couldn't drive him there because we couldn't get the car out. We walked over and had to deal with that after - some 7 hours later when he was discharged.

Got a date for settlement, we'll see how they go with honouring it.

Was doing kind of okay, having had some social time to break up the bollocks. The latest hospital escapade has set us back again. I'm left with a very short day tomorrow to try and sort out food for the upcoming long stretch at work. LM won't be home, more appointments. We lost today to sheer exhaustion.

Your recipe sounds tasty, though couldn't be a work lunch for this lactose intolerant - I'd need a few hours with the loo to myself if I'm gonna eat creamy things! Save that for a week-end at home, maybe...

At least there are a few tradies around that aren't complete rip-offs. Not many, but some.

I appreciate a good Haka. Would love to visit NZ one day. When the distaste for hotels finally abates, and if I can ever save any money that isn't instantly swallowed by a disaster.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I can understand your need for "droll". SO much happening.

I hope LM and you are okay after another hospital trip?

In a way I'm glad the tests didn't turn up anything but on the other hand what is going on?
That alone is enough to have lots of thoughts racing thru your head.

IDK about "lifestyle"... it's not the style of life you had in mind or by determined "choice".

But I don't think anyone can put enough weight on the fact that you're caring for someone with major medical needs and health issues. Someone you love deeply. The Covid impact on this.
I don't think this can be be over estimated.

It must take a huge toll. And it's not 'just a recent event', it's an ongoing event and very draining on all levels; emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially.

The other thing is that it's something that you can't change. Nor control. Just be vigilant as you have been, with exposure for LM. Being vigilant in itself, esp over long periods, is stressful.

My best wishes
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue, Hi Em,
I'd have to agree with em Blue. All this caring is hard work! And sounds like it's not leaving you much time for self.
Having just finished my first week of work (well three days, but it's my week, so it counts lol) I am appreciating just having the luxury of relaxing. Hard to imagine how much of your reserves you're using up dealing with emergencies and situations on days off, or time around work. The body soldiers on but it pays a price.
I did get a bio fermented liquid iron (Blooms) from my health food shop, which I'm taking for iron deficiencies. My Dr was skeptical about natural products, but someone has also told me that iron is one of those supplements you need to be cautious about taking, as the body stops absorbing it so effectively from food. Anyway, it seems to be helping. It will be interesting to have another blood test when I return to GP. Tweaking my diet also. Going back to some vego habits like tahini and lemon juice dressings. better lunches when I can, brown rice, dark green leafies etc etc. Seaweed is such a good food hey. I used to cook some wakame in with the brown rice- gave it a lovely flavour as well as adding those nutrients.
Hmm, that doesn't sound good, your Gp freaking a bit, and now in the hands of a plastic surgeon. Glad you're getting the help you need, tho if it's that bad why are you still at work...? Surely you need to be off, recovering...?
Thanks for thinking of me, H is managing ok, tho I have to push a bit. Was so tired yesterday and my legs just ached, sore knee etc from being on my feet all day. He wanted to complain about his day, and I did listen. Then let him know that it was my turn, if thats all right!! Sheesh! Would think he would realise that!
Its good LM can help where he can. Not that it's 'helping' as I'm continually reminding H. It's doing his share.
Anyway, I'm making things as easy as I can with meals, no more separate dinners for the red meat eater (usually I do two minces for taco's- not last nite! we all ate turkey meat, which T is not allergic to!)
Thinking of you,
J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Humour is so very necessary for managing life.

We're both very exhausted from it. Not enough time to recover before the long stretch at work for me and a bunch more medical appointments for him; exhaustion getting worse, jobs piling up. Frankly, neither of us feel great.

Yeah, the thoughts aren't good thoughts. I feel defeated - it took so long, and I still got no answer, just like I expected. It redoubles my concerns about how I'll go re ADHD diagnosis. I do hear you about "lifestyle". Everyone's telling me my fatigue is probably because of the current situation, but it's so hard to credit that because chronic stress has been the defining feature of my adult life. I know it intimately, I know what it does to me, and it isn't this.

That said, the truth of it is I'm working less, but everything at home is harder. I can't cut corners on anything any more, and cutting corners is pretty much how I've always survived. In my 20s, the canned spag and the all-nighters got me through, I didn't have to cook or sleep so much - depression ended that. My 30s I scraped by on those things, filling in with a few frozen meals, finances permitting (which admittedly they often didn't). I could at least wash my hair every other night, skip showers sometimes, get an extra wear or two out of a set of clothes, didn't wash sheets half as often as I should have. Not any more. Now it's absolutely necessary to shower and wash everything every time I've gone out, and do sheets weekly for LM's health. I have to wipe down all the shopping before I put it away. All the things that were at least sort of manageable no longer are. They now fill my time and my thoughts like never before. Hell, even 8 hours sleep is "cutting corners" now, that much sleep isn't at all enough. So my days off I get to choose between excessive sleep to feel slightly rested, or jobs. Socialising doesn't go well - if I do it, the jobs quickly pile up and I get stuck with the next work days watching it get worse while I've not the slightest bit of energy to deal with it and it becomes all I do in the next few days off, doesn't quite get finished and then it's back to work and it banks up even more. I feel like I'm losing myself to pure drudgery.

No, I can't change it. But I desperately need something to change.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, it is hard work. I certainly don't feel like I have five seconds to myself. I have so little annual leave, too, and won't be having any of that until June. Then it will be gone and I know it won't have been enough. A week is far too little to recover from any of this - especially while it's still happening. The emergencies and lengthy medical appointments for both of us every five minutes really do take a toll. I need a time out so badly. Seems like an impossible dream. I haven't touched anything creative in so long, barely have the energy to miss it, just a glimmer every now and then. I am forgetting who I am, and there are few things more damaging than that for someone like me.

Yes, iron can be a problematic supplement, my doctor advised me against it when my iron levels were low - they weren't too severely depleted and he was adamant diet was the better choice to rectify it. My preference, admittedly, but one more exhausting thing to accommodate. Glad you're finding the Blooms helpful, and making those changes to your diet. Seaweed is great. Haven't cooked with wakame, only nori sheets. I did find some surprising sources of iron when I did my research, tofu and edamame beans being among the more likely, but also things like prune juice and coconut milk.

It's certainly ugly, but ultimately it's my least-used finger. As long as I take it easy and keep the finger itself out of use, I can do most of what I normally do at work. Also I have sod all sick leave left, so there you go. Granted, half the staff are perplexed that I'm back at work. I don't actually feel especially hampered by it - it's the very least of the reasons I don't want to be there.

I think you said somewhere that his support was waning a bit. I hope your gentle nudging has resolved that. Glad you were assertive about expecting to be heard too, not just to listen. It's a shame that is necessary, I hope the dynamic is improving on that front. Practice makes perfect.

I guess you have a point, about our partners "doing their share". I think of it as help more so as in we help each other with all the things. The main thing is having a dialogue with our partners that encourages action - whatever works for the individual and gets things done. Good work with the meals, cooking separate things for everyone isn't great, it's just extra work you don't need.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

This week has been a difficult week. Neighbours made sleep next to impossible, making racket on the week-end. They've been doing it more and more, lately, really hitting the PTSD button repeatedly with me. Getting driven out of one house by this sort of crap was quite enough. Getting into that mode again of just not wanting to be home in their typical problem times so I'm not losing my mind at the noise when I need to be resting. I don't need this.

Added to that, the emergency room trips. I can deal with it to some extent, but there are moments. Someone nearby groaning in pain, sending me straight back to just after the surgery when my partner was in such agony he was just asking them for sedation. His mum has been a bit more involved in his life recently too. Helping with some things, and I appreciate it, but I'm still so wary of her after her effort of trying to push me out of seeing him when they were restricting visiting hours so heavily just after the surgery. The PTSD is going off all over the place right now, and I'm struggling. Life is mostly soul-crushing drudgery, punctuated here and there by hideous flashbacks that make me feel like hell. I'd be lying if I said I was holding up well to that.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Sorry I've been MIA and likely to be more of same moving forward.

I've been able to read way back and it seems apparent things are really draining you.
Now the neighbours too. Hmmm.

Our family is feeling much the same with far too much going on.

The other night at the peak of anxiety over everything, Alexa stopped in a pool of her own tears and just said "to think THIS time could be 'as good as it gets'". Then cried some more.

I grabbed that moment. I haven't been nearly as upset as others... just managing the people around me and trying to get things done in order of urgent to down the list...

Knowing full well that THIS time could be as good as it gets is worth some upset at first... then to realise the potential truth of this make us SQUEEZE any good moments... moments.
This helps reduce anxiety once we get a good mental grip on this.

Alexa had a great day the next day. Nothing had changed! Her mind had changed.

Breathe Blue... breathe OUT.

Please take in any yes ANY positives in this moment.
The obvious positive is that LM is still here with you.
I'm so glad you have some release in being able to open up here....

Sometimes life gives us far too much and more than we can bare. And then we can either go under (which is NOT your style at all) ..... or know this time will pass.

I hope those neighbours settle their garbage.
I'd be phoning the Police if their noise breaks regulations.

Maybe that's something you can do in the mix?

I do not wish to be dismissive at all.
I know full well the issues around you and now within you with PTSD being triggered.

I also know YOU got this Blue.

Extending lots of love
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Nothing to be sorry for, I know how much you've been dealing with lately. And it's not like I've been on here all that much, either. It's hard to keep up when our time and minds are already so full.

Yeah, it's all so bloody draining. I've forgotten what it's like to feel rested, it's been a long time. Unsurprising that you and your family are feeling that way too. We all just need a break, but it doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

I think I see what you mean about "this could be as good as it gets". Mind you, I'm not willing to concede that, but it's not like I'm unaware of how my machinations to the contrary aren't exactly working. You fix one bit of your life, another one goes south, it just seems to be the way of things. As for making the best of the moments that are good, I do agree. As much as I work toward a better future and make decisions with that in mind, I strongly believe in giving due consideration to the here and now. Future may or may not work out, and none of us knows when our number will be up, so it would suck to waste the good bits when we have them.

Don't worry, EM, as much as the negatives are weighing on me, I'm not unaware or unappreciative of the positives. I do have LM, and our birds. We have a home and good food and the bills are paid. Can't say those things have always been true for me.

I know I won't go under (definitely not my style), I've hit walls like this plenty of times, but that doesn't mean it's easy or that I don't need support - there's not much practical/physical help available, but at least for once I have LM and friends like yourself who listen.

Yeah, LM has offered to call the cops for me. I get that people want their fun on a week-end, but it's beyond a joke now, I have a right to live, too.

It's not all doom and gloom. Got to see my bro today around appointments, and got to have some romantic alone time with LM in the evening, followed by a nap together. Even managed to cook today, finger is getting more functional, slowly. The trick is keeping the dressing clean, which is a royal pain. LM amused himself by (very gently) drawing a face on said dressing. Cheeky.

Thanks for being around, EM, you're a good friend.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

I too have been MIA, so the fact that the two of you have been busy makes it much easier to catch up!

Sounds like you had some lovely time with LM, and that your finger is healing....is that what all the appointments are about atm or are some still trying to sort out the fatigue etc? Sux royally my friend, I totally hate appointments at the best of times.

Yep, sometimes we just have to force ourselves not to think about the bad stuff, the negative take on things. The act of being grateful is an incredible act which seems to align the universe to a more desirable outcome.....I have such a negative tendency that this is def a WIP for me, but this morning felt myself, my higher self, shift my thinking, from hate to love....I shall do it more I think. At the same time I'm organising some more counselling- better out than in I always say!

I'm currently taking a couple hours off of life- H took T to her soccer game, and I'm able to be here. Just been too hectic!

Def call the cops on those neighbours. We have had to do that a few times with a neighbour of ours. For a long time I just accepted that listening to his music was something we had to put up with, until cops said, nope, that's def beyond acceptable. They slapped him with a 30 day noise abatement notice! Pure Bliss! It's so stressful having to listen to other ppl's noise. It also may be a council issue in your area- not sure. We get a slightly different story every time we have had dealings re his noise! Pretty good atm so I am grateful.

Sunshiny cool day today. Weekends have suddenly become like manna from heaven! LOL!

Love and hugs,

J*

[ecomama]

Dear Blue,

I'm so grateful for you as my friend. Our friendship means so much to me.
I thought of you today and was so grateful for all the support you've given me. If I DIDN'T do all that minimalising over the summertime, then this "time" would have been totally unmanageable.

Coming onto the forums to see how you were and our other friends actually motivated me to do "the impossible" lol... fix my wifi! I've always been technologically challenged lol.

Thankyou Blue!

You're not off the hook yet young lady lol, there's MORE to do!

Oh Blue we had to bury a pet today. Broke our hearts. So sad.

My baby hens are doing well. About 3h per day!

How's your finger going?
I'm so grateful you have LM and how lucky is HE! (That's not a question lol)
HE hit the jackpot with you lol.

I'm relieved you understood what I was trying to say previously.

After Sunday when Alexa and I spoke of this, our week got much worse.
Alexa's health is really precarious. She needs so much help. She's very unwell.
The mother issues continue.

So expressing this sentiment in words to you, really helped buoy me this week, it got real serious, really fast.

I wanted to ask, has all the banking / mortgage stuff settled now?
I really HOPE financials have become clearer?

I'm glad you got to get some time in to see your brother between appointments.
How's he doing?
Does he and LM get along?

It seems my brother may have given up or reduced his drinking, which is a comfort for sure!
He was told by his Dr to reduce it.
He was far more reasonable when talking the other day lol.

I've got to wash rescue poodle tonight who looks like a dirty black sheep FOR REAL lol!!
No time to take him to the groomer. They're not open on Saturday nights darn it lol.

Love EM