Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, so many appointments. That's pretty much the norm for him, though now after about 4 months of waiting, they've finally got him in to see a gastroenterologist for this persistent nausea that's been making his life miserable. The meds they have him on barely hold it, so I'm glad he's got appointments for that.

Banks always want more. Now it's approved they want my house insurance to reflect who the "interested party" (i.e. lender) is. Little stuff, it's just annoying. The more annoying and stupid part is they want my partner to go into a branch and ID himself. What? They have our ID documents, but apparently that's not sufficient. That delays things somewhat thanks to everything being shut until Tuesday for the public bloody holidays. I'm just shaking my head at that.

Maybe it was GEM (Gratitude, Empathy, Mindfulness). They've been crapping on about that a lot at work. I'd take it in better if I didn't think it was all for show. Everyone knows they don't actually give a crap about our well-being. The stuff I told you surrounding the public holiday wouldn't be so if they did.

Yeah, they really did. What a waste of three months.

That's the hope. Next step, get some insulation quotes. We've sent a few e-mails at different times, not a single response so far. Don't know why businesses bother having e-mail addresses, frankly, the number that actually answer queries is pathetic.

Thanks. Was hoping my partner could come with me for some moral support, but of course the hospital stuck an appointment for him at exactly the same time, an hour away from where I'll be. This sucks.

Sorry, not much positive energy happening here. Though I guess if I'm to finish up on a good note, my diet is going well. 4.3kg lost so far, 1.9 to go. Should be able to do that in around 3 weeks.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

I feel like I'm hanging on to a rope, and you're at the other end, hanging on for dear life.

My friend, how can I help?

I have just googled carer help- have you tried to get some home help for LM? For you? I'm guessing you may already have applied for a carers allowance? Fogive me if I'm intruding. It just seems that, with all the assistance thats available there might be something to help you. Make things a bit easier.

It is boring doing the 'good' things, isn't it. Esp if you're feeling on your own with that. So much easier to clean with company.

My new job was with a partner last week, but this week, or next week (whenever I get shifts) I'll be on my own, which won't be so much fun. Oh well. I will probably not do as good a job! (I think I was a bit overzealous with the cleaning jobs- I now have a sore hand/arm which twinges, and doesn't want to bear weight. Hope it gets better soon.)

Good on you for sticking to your plan, and losing the weight you wanted to. Not that I think losing weight is important, but it's great if you were able to achieve your goal so far.

Tonite I had a home-made hot happy bun (not hot and cross lol) for dinner. With a cup of tea.

But we did have 2 midday meals, so I didn't think I needed dinner. Last minute invite to family lunch. Yikes. More on my thread.

How are you going with planning in fun time? Does that need to be a sort of discipline too? Look after you Blue. The rest will fall into place. How can it not with all your hard work?

Hugs, and hugs, and more hugs,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Between you and me, I think that rope's getting a bit frayed.

Beyond listening and caring, as you already do, I don't know. That said, let's not undervalue those things.

Dunno about home help. I'm kinda uncomfortable having people in here, the idea of a random doing my housework gives me the creeps, especially in covid times. I had the carer's allowance for a while. Now he's past the point of needing help with elementary stuff like dressing and showering, that's been revoked. Sigh. I've poked him a few times to talk to his social worker about NDIS stuff. He really drags his heels regarding anything like that, however.

Yup, boring as heck. He's been able to help with cooking since coming out of hospital, at least. Cleaning is still on the list, he's been caught up with uni and appointments so I've been pretty much on my own with that. That is going to be a problem for a while, I managed to mangle my finger at work yesterday. I'll spare you the gory details, suffice it to say it's full of stitches now and the physical jobs I can do are thus limited. Sigh. Even my counsellor is shaking her head at my bad luck, she keeps saying someone's put a curse on me!

I'm sure you'll do just fine on your own. Maybe just consider regulating your cleaning efforts a bit, you don't want to injure yourself any further.

Thanks. Three weeks in, I've lost 5.4kg. Admittedly I did revise my goal weight up by a kilo, but only because that extra kilo was an expanded buffer zone to account for bad behaviour post diet. I'm at a healthy weight and fitting better in my clothes, that's enough depriving myself I think - I'm quite stressed enough without dragging it out any longer. That said, I did feel it was necessary and I'm glad I did it. Prolonged "comfort eating" was catching up with me, it isn't healthy, and it was time to reset my sense of sensible portion sizes and quit it with the very regular desserts.

Haha, nice description. Sounds like a good dinner to me, given you were full enough from two lunches.

Planning fun time has been problematic. The fatigue, appointments all over the place, buggering up my finger and all the jobs I'm gonna struggle even more to get done are all piling in on me. Not loving it. As for things falling into place with all my hard work... I've been doing hard work for decades, not a great deal has fallen into place thus far.

Hugs to you, J*,

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

So no good news at all then!!

That sounds painful, annoying and possibly the straw to break something.......So hard when you can't use your hands properly!If it happened at work, shouldn't you get time off? And a compo claim? (Only half joking...)

You WILL be limited as to what you can do. Doesn't it make you want to give up? Throw your hurting hands up and just...lie on the couch...? Maybe the fairies will clean up. LOL I forgot you don't believe in fairies! No wonder, doesn't sound like there's any cleaning fairies at your place either!

What's your worst cleaning task Blue? I guess mine is the dishes. Becos I cook a lot, and no-one else appreciates it enough that they want to do dishes just so I can cook to my hearts content! I definitely use less dishes now than when I was a kid cooking at home, and my bro had to wash up after one of my Chinese feast nights.

Yep, getting LM to talk about NDIS might be essential. I don't know all the ins and outs of his situation and what he's entitled to, but safe to say you're not coping atm....

I can hear you about random ppl in your home. If I had a cleaner I would have to clean up before they came....

Blue, I really want to encourage you to ask for help. Maybe from a few ppl. Cleaning swap parties with a mate? Fun AND cleaning! Yay! Encouragement for LM to pick up some slack...? Sometimes it's the little repetitive things which do me in. Picking up the bathroom mat EVERY time after someone has a shower. It's not hard people! Wiping the kitchen bench for the thirtieth time today...Thankyou!!

(I'm trying to use ecomamas trick but I think I'm being too sarcastic......)

How about music...Are you using music to help regulate your mood? Upbeat for cleaning, relaxing for, well, relaxing. Sexy, for...fun! I often forget, and will be slogging away, happy enough being grumpy. And then, oh yeah, I could be listening to music! I forgot!

Just weaving in an extra strand or two of hemp into that rope. I forget what the proper term is, all the old sailors know how to fix a rope.

As Em would say, 'steady as she goes! Rough weather ahead!'

Trim the sails, batten down the hatches.

Love yourself in those few moments you have Blue. You are worth it, and amazing, and you WILL get through this.

PS Am loving the idea of fitting into one's clothes more comfortably. I'm just buying new, more comfortable clothes....hmmm...🤔 Of course, I do need them for my new job...

Cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Nope, no good news.

Yeah, it's a damn nuisance. Work's covering the medical costs, that's something. The time off I would have had I wasn't rostered on, anyway. Waste of an injury, if you ask me!

You know, I'm too exhausted to even give up. It's laughable, the crap that happens to me.

I'd say dishes, too. Hate them. Mainly because that's the job that piles up the fastest. Got to eat, so there they are. I took my counsellor's suggestion of using paper plates when things are getting on top of me too much, that's helping somewhat. Cooking always makes a lot of dishes, though. I try to do some as I go. To be fair to LM, he did do dishes tonight, and cooked last night (enough that we had leftovers for tonight, too). He does his best around his own struggles.

I'm not sure what he's entitled to. Hoping his social worker knows. As for random people, it's less about them seeing things dirty, it's more about them handling our stuff - dishes we eat from, anything like washing, even cleaning the shower or toilet. I'd want to wash it all again, I just don't trust the competence or cleanliness of others - with covid added, that's a more valid concern and one that could be dangerous if I'm right (which sadly evidence says I usually am).

To be honest, with worries for LMs safety, it's all I can do to make myself let someone visit, never mind the idea of a cleaning swap. Though I do have some friends that cook, I guess I could take some advantage of that, if they don't mind catering to a vegetarian menu. I know that sounds contradictory, but on average, people are a lot more hygienic with cooking than cleaning, they cut corners on the boring stuff.

I agree about the little repetitive things. Or little things in general - that's where the probable ADHD gets problematic - trying to keep track of it all, especially if it's stuff in different areas or rooms, there's way too much room for distraction. Does my head in.

(Can't help you reduce sarcasm, it's my main form of communication.)

I'm remembering more to put music on. Definitely a big thing for me, whatever mood the situation requires. Tokyo Café is a livestream of mellow jazz on YouTube I've discovered for relaxing, that's pretty good. Lots of prog rock for more energetic moods.

Rope might hold a bit longer, cheers.

Thanks, still trying.

New clothes are good, you can treat yourself for the new job. Me, I like my old ones, & can't afford more. Better to keep my weight in check.

Washing's done, off I go.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, hey J*

YOUR FINGER???

NO!

Horrible news.
I was going to suggest paper plates, awesome that's done.

What the..... it never freaking ends does it?

Your sense of humour never ceases to make me smile... fancy wasting those days off Blue, naughty finger.

I hope it wasn't on a Deli slicer like I did... that was ffffun.

It's RAINING here again and my roof!!
ughhh.

Sorry I haven't kept up with threads, mine included!
Had so many ceiling caving in issues, it's a mine field of issues here atm and I'm so stressed every time it rains.

I could be MIA for times till I get things sorted... ughhhh.

I really hope LM applies for NDIS. AND gets it!

My gardener does NDIS work and mows lawns and gardens for his client.
You know Alexa owns her own business as an NDIS Support Worker...

if there are ANY questions LM wants me to ask them, I will.
I just hope they have the answers.

I gotta go and empty out buckets of soil to put under the leaks from the ceilings now... very grey skies... sad face...

Life is hard some times.

I could take a leaf from poodles books and just GO TO SLEEP but I'd wake up to another lake inside my house.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, just one more thing on the pile. Sigh. Yeah, honestly, things are getting so stupid I can't do much but laugh at it at this point, so laugh I shall. No deli slicer involved, thankfully. I crushed it between the handle of my (quite heavy) trolley and a sharp-edged door handle. I made a fair mess of it.

Oh, more rain, just what you wanted. Is the leak in the roof resolved or at least more manageable after the second roof guy came to check it out?

Completely understand you struggling to keep up with the forums, there's a lot going on. Don't worry too much about it, you have permission to take whatever time you need. 😉 It's not like I'm keeping up any better than you are. Typing a bit wonky anyway, with this stupid finger.

Yeah, I'm going to keep poking him about the NDIS. I can't do it for him (and that's where any paperwork gets dealt with reeeeeal slowly if at all in this house, it's not one of his strong areas). If I think of any questions, I'll be sure to ask you. For the moment my thoughts are mostly "Ow!"

If only we could put the jobs aside and nap, like Poodle. The stuff just keeps piling up while we sleep, though.

I did manage to empty the rubbish, sweep the floors and do some washing, today. I had washing on the line from just before I hurt myself (adding pain and medical appointments to an already scattered and forgetful person) that kept getting rained on, it finally let up long enough for it to dry and for me to get it in. That's been giving me the willies all week.

Thinking of medical appointments, I finally saw the guy about my fatigue. Have had blood tests now for cortisol levels and glandular fever, and waiting on results. Can't say I want problems with either, but I kinda hope something comes up, just to have a damned answer about all this. Should hear something in the coming week. Fingers crossed the news is useful.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue, Wave to Em (sorry about the rain clouds dearest! sad face 😞

Oh yeah, fingers hurt a LOT, and for the longest time hey! I cut the tip off my thumb Christmas day 2 yrs ago. Blood spitting out everywhere. I stayed home from family lunch. I think my mum thought i was either lying, or had done it on purpose. I hadn't! hurt like heck for ages. No one called to see if I was ok tho, which made me a bit sad.

Isn't it a pity we can't crowdfund you to have a divine hotel room for a couple weeks, complete with room service or restaurant vouchers....

DEF take up any offers of food! Complain loudly around your cooking friends about how hungry you are cos you can't prep food! Make sure they're cool with the dish coming back dirty lol;) I like the paper plates idea too. Baking things is actually pretty good for less dishes.

Oh you're vego. I don't think I knew that. I was going to suggest chicken maryland in a baking tray with veg and herbs, cos thats pretty yum, and good for salads the next day too.

Whats your fave food? Dish? Region?

I love anything asian. Thats why I drool when Em talks about food. I'd like to be at your place when you're cooking Em. I always imagine something divine!

I had leftover brown rice, a boiled egg, in a shredded salad for lunch. It felt great! I need to inspire myself for lunch ideas, this week my lunches look like they'll be on the run. First proper week at work! They're going easy on me tho which is nice. Not huge days as yet.

Sounds like a nap is in order Blues. Then you can tick it off the list for self care!

Glad LM is doing stuff. It's amazing what ppl can do when you ask, or when you hurt yourself! I asked H to clear up after home-made pizza last night. He did it so willingly I wondered what the hassle has been...? Guess it's different now I'm working!

How did your washing look when you finally brought it in? A bit stiff?? Lol, it will be fine after being worn for a bit.

I've got huge piles of washing on the couch again after having some sun. It's a good excuse for a movie I suppose, if I'm not too tired.

I can understand you feeling wary of others germs atm esp with LM's lowered immunity. I hadn't thought of that. That does make it tough.

Love the sound of your playlists! Mellow jazz- isn't that bedroom music???

You make me laugh too Blue. Such a droll sense of humour you have! Do you show how hard you're finding things atm?

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Oh gosh Blue, glandular fever sounds scary!
I don't want you to have something that's recurring, have something that can be FIXED please!

I know what you're saying tho, just PLEASE tell me what's going on!

Hey J* thankyou.. rain every day... with all the events recently, high anxiety surfaced and depression is trying to slide in now.
Please no gory finger stories! LOL! Poor Blue!
Mine took 2 marriages and 2 divorces to heal! I'm not going into details nup.
Had lots of injuries tbh.

Blue, when you see your GP about your finger, please ask IF you need a Hand Therapist before or after the stiches are removed, bec those ppl aren't cheap! They specialise and are GREAT! Should be ALL under compo, it needs to be rehabilitated as BEST as can be done for you.

Yes please ask questions about NDIS when LM gets to that point. Or IF.
If we can help, then ofcourse we want to. Hugs.

How's the Bank stuff going? I forgot to ask last time.

You're doing amazingly well considering an injury on top!
Aha we DO get to the point of "whatevs! Throw it on the pile.." at the ridiculousness of tsunami after tsunami of issues.

One of my fave vegan recipes was Shell pasta with a chunky vege pasta sauce stirred thru but with some lightly cooked veg tossed in.
Mushroom Boscaiola (spelling lol) is easy. A can of light carnation milk with cooked Fettuccine but sliced mushies cooked beforehand in BUTTER (not OIL). Parmesan to serve.

You can fry up a whole lot of mushrooms this way and leave some in the fridge, they just get better in taste... then zap them for under poached eggs or zapped sliced tomatoes with pepper and salt. DEEELICIOUS.
Great on English muffins which would be easier to eat for you atm.

I always add FRESH oregano to the butter fried mushies mainly bec I have a pot full of it growing and it tastes out of this world all together.

YES! The great Roof guy yesterday patched the tile while he was inspecting the roof and told me he did that AFTER I told him he handed me the quote.
He wanted to leave the quote and let me have time to think about it.
He's doing SO much more than the joker talked about (except the bs about my whole roof possibly needing replacing)... just like SO many things.

My YouTube feed just gave me a school boys Haka tribute to a retiring teacher, brought me to tears, I think if I take my kids anywhere, it'll be to visit NICE family in NZ.
Now I'm on a roll!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

To be honest, for the mess I made of it, I thought it would hurt more. Nerve damage, maybe? I dunno, we'll see. Sorry to hear how that Christmas went for you. Some care from the family would be nice, wouldn't it?

That sounds nice. Mainly the room service. After roughly two months interstate with LM's surgery, neither of us have much interest in staying in hotels for some while!

I have a food order with a colleague. Not free of course, this is her business. But a small breather. I don't think she cares much about getting the dish back.

Yeah, gonna have to pass on chicken dishes. I like my chickens wandering around, pecking things, rather than in my lunch.

Favourite dish is too hard to pin down, I love so many foods. Asian is definitely right up there, I'm big on Thai curries, stir-fry of various kinds, love sushi. But I'm also a fan of pasta dishes (with Quorn mince for bolognese-style stuff or Sunfed in my modified marinara), Mexican stuff like nachos, burritos, quesadillas... I'm pretty easy to feed, even as a vego.

Thinking of brown rice, I do sometimes make a "sushi bowl" with that, some nori, some cucumber and marinated tofu with a dash of soy sauce and mayo. Granted sushi is better when it's constructed, but the ingredients in a bowl is just easier! (Got the idea from EM.)

I did have a nap today, actually. Thanks for reminding me.

To be fair, LM is generally pretty willing to help when his health lets him, though he acknowledges is doesn't occur to him to just do it, I do have to gently encourage him. Too many years of being able to do very little of anything without making himself quite ill has trained him out of having much initiative. Glad your husband helped you when you asked, hopefully that can become habit over time.

No, the rain resolved that. I only get stiff washing if it's out too long in sunny weather. Do you fold the washing while watching stuff? I generally fold it en route to the wardrobe, not one for doing jobs on the couch.

Yeah, it's not great. Granted SA hasn't been too bad for covid, but on account of that, more people are coming to work sick, getting in my space, etc., and it's all the bugs I have to watch out for. Can't really trust people.

Thanks. Haha, jazz can be bedroom music, though I typically just have it on for relaxing.

Well good, I strive for droll. I'm selective about who sees I'm struggling. I'm plain enough about it with those people, sometimes they still don't see. I'll save my time for those who do.

Blue.