Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yup, all the stuff going on has definitely lessened our natural verbosity of late. I know we can talk up a storm sometimes.

LM and I have been sneaking in couple time wherever we can. It's been good for both of us. The appointments have been for the finger mainly (they've given up on me re fatigue), and of course LM's squillions of hospital appointments. Our respective appointments are sometimes on the same day and we make the long trip together. Often that means a lot of waiting around because the appointments will be hours apart.

Actively forcing ourselves not to think of the bad stuff causes the mind to rebel and throw it in our faces twice as hard, unfortunately. Certainly gratefulness is a tool in our favour for that. The biggest thing I've got out of my mindfulness readings is "the art of allowing". It's very much my nature to actively fight the negative emotions - argue with them, push them away, distract myself from them, denounce them, etc. It just feeds them. My work in progress has been allowing them to just exist. In my fashion, I tell them "Yes, I know you're there, I don't like you" (a far cry from EM thanking them, I know), and let them sit as they are as I go about my day. After a time, they dissipate and my mind is elsewhere.

I'm glad you're finding a way to shift your thinking that works for you. And that you're organising counselling. Pro-active J*, I like it. 🙂

I love how you took a time out for yourself, and you're spending it socialising with us. I'm honoured! I hope you took some time to really just be alone, too.

A 30 day noise abatement notice? I wish they'd do that here. With the neighbour at the old place, I discovered anything short of three call-outs in the same day wouldn't get him a fine or anything. So I'd call the cops, it'd stop for the day, then he'd be at it again the next day. I would be calling the cops pretty much every day, same deal. You aren't sleeping when you're up and calling the cops. Council wouldn't do anything. I looked into legal services that might help. Nothing. I was literally driven out of my home by this. That said, we called the cops on current neighbour, noise stopped. We'll see if they start up again this week-end. Gods, I hope calling them doesn't have to become a regular thing.

Enjoy those week-ends, J*. I get every second one off, and I do value them.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thank you. It means a lot to me, too. I'm quite pleased the minimising has made your current challenges more manageable. I encouraged you for precisely that reason - there are better things to spend your time on than stuff!

Haha, I'm glad you got the wi-fi sorted. The right motivation makes many things possible.

Oh damn, I'm so sorry to hear that. It must have been unexpected, I don't recall you mentioning any recent pet dramas. Apologies if I missed something. (*hug*)

Finger is about the same, it's plateaued a bit in the healing. The main annoyance is trying to keep the dressing clean. Even with gloves on, gross water gets in there when you do the dishes. Grr. I'd say we're both pretty lucky - LM has been lovely and helpful from bringing me dinner in bed and even to the point of even drying my hair after my shower on work nights. 😄

All good, of course I understood. Sorry to hear Alexa is unwell. And yet she works and studies - I can imagine that being a job and a half to cope with, even without the stuff with your mother. And stressful for you, too. I'm glad talking out your thoughts helped keep you going this week. The tangibility of writing a thing can be very valuable.

The answer is, finally, yes. Settlement was meant to be Friday, I was told the day prior that everything was going according to plan. Friday, no settlement, no communication. I tried contacting them, told them I didn't expect to be left not knowing what was happening over the long week-end. Of course no response. I checked the account yesterday and it was finally sorted. Some hours later a bunch of e-mails/texts/etc., "Congratulations, it's all settled, we're happy to have helped you, recommend us to your friends!"... Hell no! But anyway, it's done. Even with the extra we borrowed for renovations, monthly repayments are just shy of $50 a month less. With the HCC rebates on bills too, I'm hoping I can drop one shift a month off my roster soon. Gotta re-do my budget and see. Fingers crossed!

Bro is doing well, and he gets along well with LM. We subjected him to a silly song and got it stuck in his head. 🙂

Great to hear your bro is listening to his doc re drinking.

How did washing Poodle go? Bright side of puffballs, they bathe themselves. Sir Pecks does so very frequently, he loves it.

Hope you're holding up okay, friend.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Blue, yes washing poodle was MESS - SEEE. Ugh. Talk about needing gloves yuck! He felt a million bucks after tho!

OMG I am so glad it's all settled! That's really amazing about paying less even WITH extra money borrowed. AWESOME!

Dropping one shift a month sounds AWESOME too! Great news.

I'm so happy for you both / all, YAY! lol.

Yes, I haven't kept news up well on the forums. We had to rescue all of mother's pets when she was hospitalised and omg we had to move fast!
She often heavily neglects animals.
So Alexa took some and I took the young hens.
So sadly Alexa's pet died, it ate itself to death, isn't that crazy!
Alexa was completely devastated.
It's THIS animal's passing that was the last straw for her. It brought up so much loss. She finally chased up her own health, got referrals but didn't get time to talk about a MH referral. She booked another appt.

So I'm really relieved Alexa is facing up to the things that are causing her so much physical pain.
She's decided to see a Psych and I'm SO grateful. Just hoping she gets an awesome one lol.

I hope your finger does continue to mend and you get complete recovery and movement with it.
Remember a referral to a Hand Physio can really help!! The earlier that referral, the better.
Sorry to hear there's still hardship involved but wow LM is really multi talented isn't he? lololol... I never knew he could do HAIR too!
No wonder you love him so much lol.

Oh yeah! The minimising continues! I have 2 kiddies pools full of garbage I've found buried in the garden (grr demon) but I've been able to do all that because I'm in the garden for hours each day with our new baby chickens, which is WONDERFUL lol.
Even better when I can put dried branches etc in the chiminea and burn stuff off too!
Loving my time in the garden in this beautiful weather.

I have a really busy weekend with p.son arriving soon tonight. He'll need lots of attention.
Then grandkids birthdays all weekend!
So far for the first time since Christmas, ALL the kids will be able to be together.... so far.

Yvette's getting alot of enjoyment out of Crafting for her new friend's birthday presents.
The jewellery she's making is REALLY nice!
Thank goodness Spotlight is open late and has great sales on atm lol.

Take care, talk soon!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Just a quick one tonight, EM, I'll address the rest later. That money we borrowed to improve the place for lower costs... Not two days after settlement we discover the backed up toilet to be a sign of major plumbing problems, cracked pipes and tree roots growing into them - a job to the tune of $8000. That knocks out a massive percentage of what we borrowed, so here we are at square one again.

Meanwhile, neighbours are at it again with the noise and I'm not sleeping when I need to be, despite already calling the cops out twice. It has made precisely no difference to the problem, just like the years of exactly this at the place I was driven out of. Hi PTSD, didn't actually miss you, so get out of here. I've barely rested in weeks.

Oh, and I get a message at 10pm that one of my staff will be off sick tomorrow morning. At least she had the good grace to find someone to cover the shift, albeit a rather less competent worker. We've had sickies just about every day for months.

Some days, I really don't know why I bother existing.

I'm sorry to hear of the suffering of your mother's animals, I can think of few things worse. I can understand how Alexa feels about what happened, there must be a bunch of layers to what's being triggered, there.

I'm losing track, typing on the phone gives me this tiny window and I can hardly see any of what I've said so far, or what I'm answering, so I'll leave it there for now.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

As I'm sure you can tell, I was having a rubbish night when I initially replied. Still pretty under the weather, but we endure. I'll try and address the rest of what you said this time.

How long did it take Poodle to get messy again?

Yeah, it's settled. Hollow victory under the circumstances. But a few bucks less to pay per month, I'll take it. I don't have the energy to keep pushing to save back what we lose on the plumbing. It's gone, and whatever is left toward insulation we'll do what we can with. Solar won't be happening now, so there are limits to how far back I can break my costs. Still, it's enough at this point that I'll still be dropping that one day a month and hopefully reducing my really long shift by an hour. It's a bit more manageable on the four hours sleep I typically get before it around the neighbours' unceasing BS.

I don't think anyone expects you to be focusing on the forums at the moment. I know I already said it, but I am very sorry for the loss of this poor pet. No animal deserves that, and it's not good for Alexa, either. Though I suppose a catalyst for her seeking the help she needs, there is some good to come out of an awful situation. Fingers crossed she gets a better psych than the incompetents I've been saddled with.

The finger is doing okay. The plastic surgeon is done with me now, and did indeed shuffle me into the next office to the hand therapist. She's given me a little protective cover for it (no more dressings) and some exercises to do, and though I've got an appointment in case, said if I'm happy with how it's healing before then I don't need to come back.

Haha, yep. LM does hair, massages, dinner in bed, gets my coffee ready for work mornings (the machine can be set to brew it when I get up). There's plenty to love, and that's just the superficial stuff.

Crumbs, what was he doing burying all that junk? What was the point? Oh well, you're getting rid of it, and that's important. You need the garden clean and set up the way it serves you and your family now. Sounds like it's well on the way.

I got the gist of your family get-together on your thread. Looks like you had plenty of fun.

Great that Yvette is making jewellery. I've fiddled around with stuff in years gone by, still have a few supplies to that effect. You're right, Spotlight is handy for that sort of thing. Little craft shops and fairs can be good for getting parts for it, too.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh hey Blue!

What???
That's so horrible you have that huge unforeseen cost for the plumbing!!
OMG. (I had similar news last night and it took alot of might NOT to feel depressed over it, hence no doubt while I'm up EARLY this morning).

It's like life is designed to throw curved balls at us!
One after the other after the other with little reprieve.

That's bad about the neighbours too grrrr.
Cheeses what else can you do but call the police?

Something's gotta give but it ain't gonna be you!

I'm grateful you have such a loving man in LM.
He has GOTTA be one huge reason for living Blue.

Btw I need you too lol... just sayin'.

Alexa was heartbroken over the pet dying. We all were. She loves SO DEEPLY and looks after her pets like they're royalty.

Alexa will get her referral next visit.
She needs this so much.

Otherwise she's a miracle tbh. What she's coped with is beyond my belief. She disclosed so much during my Court era and I was being horrified over and over. Just unbelievable.
She still trickles some more out to me,not realising she hasn't told me and some times I don't tell her.
So the trauma is very real. My beautiful girl.
I hope with all my heart that the specialist can HELP her without damning diagnoses.

Some times when things get really bad, I sing that Australian Crawl song "...any day above ground is a good day...".

One foot in front of the other my darling friend.
With you all the way.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Popping in as promised on my thread, and sitting in sad silence with you re the neighbours noise, not sleeping, work etc ect

Truly hope it gets better soon....

I hadn't heard of a noise abatement notice either before that! His music was at an extraordinary level that day, even for him, and he left it up while the cops were there. Numbskull. The guy is passive aggressive, but I've noticed that he does end up turning it down when I ask him. H gets too angry to ask and it ends up nasty......Noise complaints must vary from state to state, maybe even council areas. But seriously, every single cop visit has told us different stuff. The first one said, 'a mans home is his castle, if its within his fence he can do pretty much whatever he likes" then told us to write it all down for a possible court case. Yep, sure ok. Did that for a bit. The noise abatement notice was the second visit. Thank god. The third visit months later was where we heard it was a council issue. Hard to figure!

I have a couple strategies I use at times. I erect an imaginary glass fence, for a start. And usually play music inside to drown it out, if its bothering me. I have, in the past, played VERY traditional hymns and church music (which I don't hate) on the verandah, pointed at his house. That shut him up for a day or so. I think H got sick of it tho, as he was outside, pottering around.

If your neighbours are quite close it must be difficult to ignore.

Glad to read of your finger healing. Glimpsed something about a backed up loo and huge bills- hope I was wrong?

Cheers and big hugs,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, it's really not what I need right now. Honestly, I'm not really winning the battle re not getting depressed over it. You do better with that sort of thing than this ol' cynic, there's a bit of a downward spiral happening that's taking all my effort to arrest in place if not undo.

I do think some of us cop rather more than our share, when it comes to curveballs. You and I, certainly. You keep thinking surely it's gotta stop somewhere, but it just never does. It makes me so tired.

Yeah, that's it re the neighbours. What can I do but call the cops? But they do nothing of any efficacy, so even calling them for no lasting result just adds another layer of stress. Yes, something does have to give. I guess at least it's just the week-ends here, though it does make my working week-ends hell with no sleep. At the last place it was every. single. day.

There is a lot to be grateful for in LM, he is beautiful, and definitely a big reason for living (I wrote on J*'s thread about him, you may enjoy the read). I didn't support him through the surgery just to turn around and abandon him, after all. He and our little puffballs are well worth living for. I just wish all the other crap would go away.

Kind of you to say you need me. I guess I must contribute something of value. That's always heartening to know.

I certainly understand the heartbreak in losing a pet. I have a level of compassion for animals that I don't for most humans. If Alexa is studying psych though, it may mean she has compassion going in all directions, and I can see that getting very exhausting and painful. Does she have her psych referral yet?

I understand too how you're feeling about Alexa's trauma, it can't be easy for a mother to see her daughter dealing with so much. I guess though she's had some hand in it, my own mother has felt the sting of my life experience to some extent, too. She often says she wanted better for us than she had. In some ways we have, in some we haven't. You, I think, will do a better job of supporting your daughter through healing than my mum ever did. Fingers crossed she doesn't get a dodgy specialist like I have, she doesn't need that.

I don't know the song offhand, but it makes sense. Yes, one foot in front of the other, with creative profanity punctuating the rhythm of each step. I'm glad you're around, and J* and of course LM. At least I am heard these days, that is a step up from times gone by.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Thanks for stopping by, and sitting with me. I wish I could say things are getting better re those matters, but they are not. If only the people I'd been dealing with were dumb enough to directly challenge the cops, maybe I'd get some action. But they don't, noise goes down until the cops drive away, and straight back up again. Enough for a second call out, then not quite bad enough for a third, which would be the charm for getting them a fine. So it just goes on and on and on, misery for me but no actual action taken. I'm so sick of it. I guess we can call the council, but they weren't interested with my situation in the last place, and I'm in the same council district, so expecting a whole lot of nothing from that. Cops do say different things each time, but everything they've said to me comes to the same conclusion - I am expected to just put up with it, ultimately. Seems I don't matter enough to be allowed some goddamn peace.

I'm not willing to make myself a noise nuisance to combat it, I'm sure I'd somehow be the one to cop a fine, or just paint a target on myself so they know who is calling the cops. Admittedly I didn't even try talking to this lot - in the last place that just got me an aggressive neighbour constantly making me feel unsafe in my own home on top of the noise, which the cops also did precisely nothing about. As for drowing it out, only works with headphones, bass just gets straight through ambient noise. And the thing with having it loud enough by earphones to drown stuff out... ol' Blue is very headache prone. Not to mention earphones are damned uncomfortable to sleep in and all that noise isn't exactly conducive to bloody sleep. Whatever the case, no sleep for me.

Yeah, the finger is doing a lot better. I have a protective sleeve to stick on it when I'm doing more vigorous stuff like at work, otherwise no dressing now and I can get it wet or a bit dirty and be able to wash it without worrying about infection now there's no open wound any more. Big difference in my functionality, though it remains quite sensitive and touching stuff with it feels gross and weird.

You read right about the plumbing bill. $8000. There goes most of what we borrowed in the refinance to get insulation and solar. So much for improvements to reduce my costs and thus work less. I needed that so badly, especially after how hard a slog it was to push the refinance through. It's devastating to have that taken away.

Life goes on, I guess.

Blue.

[golden82]

hi Blue,

Only read your last post here re neighbour noise. I am so sorry to read that. It is a nightmare. I have it too. I live in a flat and always troubles with one side of the neighbours. It seems the tenants they get there are just a different breed or something - no respect foe the rest of us. All the rest are respectful - occasional noise that you can expect in a flat but not the excess and it is deliberate to annoy/disturb. You can here the TV/music from the street. And then slamming doors in the middle of the night. Wake in a jolt and can't get back to sleep. It is definitely deliberate and obviously some social problems to behave in such a way. I agree re the police. I have not called them out as the stress of that would be more for me I think. But I know from in the past there is not much they can do - everyone passes the buck to someone else. I did speak to this guy almost 2 months ago on the stairs in passing and he acted all nice and sorry about it - but it has only got worse as with the slamming door he has been doing since as an added bonus. So yeah deliberate. Some ppl are just a/holes. Sorry I can't suggest anything for you - just support that you are not alone. It drives you insane when already exhausted anyway and then this that we put up with. And it drives you out of your own home. But as I was saying to someone - I think my community worker - if I move out, could just get more of the same - there seem to be more and more d/heads in the world these days. And less of our kind unfortunately. We all need a safe place, and our own home should be a safe place! I hope somehow something improves there for you..