Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, I guess there is. I've been better. Like always, I do have my partner to lean on. He's always there for me, but of course with his health there hasn't been much help on the "daily grind" stuff, which is what's really getting to me. It's always that stuff I don't cope with.

Yeah, the ol' depression rears its ugly head in no short order if I'm not on top of nutrition - there's your sense of urgency to get on top of it (though the "have to" cooking is still damn boring, and I get there via a rather circuitous and long-winded route).

I don't know how any of it will get easier. Not having the bank screwing us around would help. All year on that front so far, finances scrutinised all the way, living like much poorer paupers than we really are for the sake of how it looks on paper. That's undermining little things we could be doing to make life easier, that's for sure. As for the aggressive treatment, it just means building up a large dose of the meds he needs in his system. There is a careful balance that needs to be kept for him, and that was disrupted in the necessity of treating another infection with meds that interact badly with his usual ones. Ugh. We knew what we were getting into with the transplants, and here we are. He's worth all of it, of course.

No, I didn't. I don't watch commercial TV. Sounds like that lady didn't have any strategies in place to manage her symptoms. I can at least say I respond to the "urgency" of deadlines and have the sense to set reminders - often multiple reminders for the same thing, as I know exactly what I'm like. But yeah, working memory isn't good, those boring or unpleasant little tasks don't stay in there for five seconds. Literally.

I've heard the same about medication. Works for some, doesn't work for others. From what I've heard of meds making people feel "not themselves" it's likely to be a dosage thing. I've read too large a dose can have the opposite of the desired effect. I guess like coffee - too many cups and I'm knackered and just want to go to bed. Stimulants are funny like that.

Thanks, me too!

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

That is funny about stimulants- I often have a nice nap on the couch after my lunchtime coffee....Not enough? Or too much....hmmm

Does SBS count as commercial tv? Anyway it's on demand if you feel the need for a community of fellow ADHD'ers....It's interesting cos we were just talking about it and then it's on, so I watched a bit.

Yeah that lady who kept forgetting stuff was the same one who didn't like the meds. I guess she may have an objection to some parts of routine life... I can relate.

Can you ask for help in the home, sister, mum? Or is that a silly thought...

Hang in there Blue,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and hi to J* and Tay

So happy to read that LM feels much better. Yay!
I hope the virus can be extinguished by this hospital admission.

I know there's so much to watch with transplants... OH OFCOURSE LMs SO WORTH THIS!!!

Hugs.

Gosh there's so much to respond to!
Not sure where to start really...

It's a positive thing that you know yourself and all about the things that put you on that "slide" into a depressive state.
FOOD. Healthy food. It can't be underestimated about how important this is.
Regular meals too... I hope that's possible in the situation atm.

What the freak about the bank... really. blerghhh.

Yeah the sitch with BF is far more complicated than I can be explicit about... there's a definite "wait" from his side, but not because he wants to wait (bec he sure doesn't lol) but there'll be a major Executor role he needs to do at some point, the "unmentionable" stuff.
We've talked about it but we just call it that now.

At that time in the future BF may need to resign from his job to sort it out.
We estimate about 2y to sort it (we could be 'dreamin' tbh).
We even had plans that I move there for 2y or so at that time with the youngest kids to help sort it... but taking that much leave won't be possible for me unless I plan now.
I'm not planning now. It's a Covid thing.

The kids don't want to move there now due to Covid.
The kids don't even want to travel there any more when we all can travel again.
I respect this.

I could but yeah...

Hello! I KNOW! The 7y precedent was SHOCKING to read about.
OMG.
That vindictive exH and the Courts ALLOWED it!
WHAT!!!

So as demon is a 1 billion % demon, I know for sure it's waiting....

I did EVERYTHING I could to "lock this down" much better than that exW in the precedent.
I went the whole shebang.
demon had a lawyer the ENTIRE time... and we had Judges and Registrars and all Court officials overseeing every step.

So I Pray there's not a toothpick for demon to stand on lol.
PRAYING HARD.

I couldn't handle bringing BFs fortune, no matter how big or small it is, into the mix to be split too.

Bestest wishes for LMs healing.
I think you're doing great with another wave thrown on to your pile Blue.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Question-

Is LM Lover Man??

Just askin'...

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I'd need more context to know, but at a guess I'd say it just hasn't kicked in yet. Have you heard the term "caffeine nap"? The idea is to couple a coffee with a short nap, as both reduce a chemical in the brain that causes sleepiness. If you're napping in the 1/2 hour or so it takes for the coffee to kick in, you're bright eyed and bushy-tailed after, with the benefit of both. In theory. I have actually found some truth in the idea.

It's one of the commercial stations, yeah. But SBS on Demand is a good option. I'm certainly interested in the programme, though I've had so little time or energy for watching anything lately. Wonder how long they keep stuff archived.

Ah, okay. I can also relate to disliking routine - heck, that's a feature of ADHD in itself. I know I've only gotten anywhere in life with a lot of hard work and discipline in circumventing my tendencies and dislikes (because they are all working against me big time). An undisciplined person with ADHD would surely be... Well, I'm picturing my brother, to be honest. Dude doesn't have his shiz together.

Not a silly thought, J*, but not a viable one either. Mum is a housebound hermit - literally hasn't stepped off the property (possibly even out the front door) in years. Sis, as I think I mentioned, has ADHD herself, also ASD, and a little tribe of offspring all with much the same - she's possibly more burnt out than I am. There's not really anyone I can think of with both the will and ability to help. Ol' Blue is stuck.

Blue.

PS I chuckled at your question. LM stands for "Lovely Man". Loverman just makes me think of the Nick Cave song (I'll put a trigger warning on that song, it isn't particularly "nice").

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's good that he is. Mind you, they want to keep him in for around a fortnight, now, to make sure they properly purge both the virus and the infection he had. They didn't detect any sign of the infection in the last tests, but are taking precautions - it's a tricky thing to test for and sometimes the result isn't wholly accurate.

Yeah, it's all so complicated. But as I said to him tonight, he didn't have too many choices in this - but I knowingly signed up for walking this road with him, and at no point have I doubted or questioned whether I should be doing so. Sure it's hard. He is 100% worth it.

Hugs noted and appreciated.

Yup, I'm nothing if not self-aware. I completely agree about the importance of healthy food. I was thinking about that this morning, and realising how I coped with all the ADHD-type stuff in my 20s, wondering how I wasn't this stressed back then. The answer - I lived on canned spag, pulled all-nighters regularly and my dishes were piled halfway to the ceiling. I just didn't bother with the boring routine stuff. Now I have no choice about sleep and food, I have to spend that time or my depression kicks the crap out of me. It pushes me out of doing the things I want to be doing because it takes such a horrendously long time to achieve anything in my constant state of distracted forgetfulness. And the more little jobs there are, the worse it is. Give me a big job, no problem. Bunch of little jobs, I'm spinning in a circle of forgetfulness and distraction, losing my mind. I find 98% of my stress comes from that sense of a "death of a thousand cuts" in all the little mundane jobs.

Oh, coming back to your question, I found some easy recipes that used mostly canned stuff. I have food done for the long stretch. Phew!

Yeah, the bank. I said give me an answer by week's end or I'm pulling my application and going elsewhere. I'm used to them being inefficient, but not like this, it's way out of hand.

Ah, okay. It does sound complicated. I understand your kids' hesitance to travel to the US with covid. 2 years-ish. It's a preliminary figure to work with.

I'm flabbergasted the court allowed that. I have a funny feeling you've covered more bases than that poor woman did. Fingers crossed.

Thanks. He's doing okay. Me, not too bad. I miss him, but it's not wholly bad having time to myself. There hasn't been much of that in the past year. Didn't mean for it to happen quite like this...

Kind thoughts to you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

Well more hugs and sending lots of loving and healing thoughts for you both.

I'm so glad you gave that Bank an ultimatum. It's RIDICULOUS to have you hanging around waiting for so freaking long. Good on you for putting your foot down.
I hope they shape up or then you can show them by "walking".

WELL DONE.

I'm tellin' ya now, I wouldn't muck you around! LOL!

Yep the Courts approved another 50% split 7y AFTER they'd done a 50% split.
Disgusting, sickening and absolutely unfair and nonsensical.
Rubbish.
The added disgusting thing is that he'd had TWO HUGE inheritances in that time = millions and said he had nothing left. (No doubt he'd hidden it).
The lady was caring for her dying partner at the time.

Anyway I was fortunate to read this and many other "precedents" set in Family Law because I knew for 100% sure that if I found them, demon and it's entourage would have too.

demon pressed and pressed for me to settle out of Court and I didn't trust it's Lawyers let alone it. the paperwork they sent me was demeaning, belittling, scare mongering and the financials plain WRONG.

so NO. I ignored the lawyer's letters lol!! Lawyers are not "the Law" as much as they'd like to pretend they are.
Judges interpret Law and dish out if they need to. Badly I must say but whatever.

AGREE 100% about food and sleep.
It's like there are 3 zones to me... a black zone of depression, a grey zone of being wobbly in between zones and a green zone when things are lighter for us.

Whatever works for a person to keep them in the GREEN, good.
I truly believe that good food and good rest and sleep is good for everyone.

I hate to look on the bright side of LM having respite, care and treatment in hospital, but pushing for it... you DO have more time at home alone!
This long bout may never see you wanting it again lol.

Love to YOU
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

Oh God me too! with dishes piled piled to the ceiling and the floor never washed- once my kids started walking that is. got a bit fussy when she was crawling......

I can't live like that now, hence my life is full of all the boring mundanity of life. Not as much as some tho. I shall cope with working (this is me being positive) becos I know how to ignore the housework!

It's like balancing on a tightrope sometimes isn't it- maintaining a semblance of mental health. Not too much wobble, a little is ok. Don't fall cos we know what that feels like. Altho I think for me it's more about the fear. I'm not sure anything I do actually prevents those blue times, except for self knowledge and thinking differently to how I did when I 'fell'. I guess walking, and keeping a bit social is my two main improvements which no doubt help.

I hadn't heard of the caffeine nap- but now that I have I shall experiment. I did do that when having guarana and working the festivals occasionally- a nap def helped be 'bright eyed and bushy tailed'.... work and party all nite! Crazy days....

I can imagine the time/inclination for watching anything must be pretty low. Me, I'm watching too much. I feel like I'm having a last hurrah-enjoying lazy holidays before I start work.

Yeah ok, mum and sis won't be much help then. Hmm. Bummer.

So many of the things you say about adhd make me feel like maybe I have it too---except if you knew me in person that would make you laugh, cos I am the least likely person to be hyperactive. happiest reading a book all day, thats me. But like, I hate all the piddling little housework jobs that need doing every day, sweeping and washing and small washing loads before we need stuff. But give me a spring cleaning job, something really filthy and putrid, and I think, now thats a job worth doing!

Well, say hello to your Lovely Man for us (lol;) hope he gets to come home a bit before you miss him too hard.

Good on you Blue, you can do this. Enjoy the peace and quiet,

Love and hugs,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks. They are needed. Whilst he's in hospital and improving, I have pretty much collapsed from exhaustion. I almost envy him, I could do with the respite and not having to worry about food and housework.

It is ridiculous, and outright dehumanising. I know it's taken me far too long to get to this point, for various reasons. 1 - I've sunk in this much time, I'd hate to waste it. 2 - It's effort having to push them, and having to revisit the whole process again with someone else (you know how much energy I have for that crap). 3 - I guess I kind of dropped into that "hunker down and just get through it" mode that came with this same situation being forced on me when I split with the ex and then again with the neighbour BS pushing me out of my home. Definitely some trauma response, re-living that crap. It was talking to LM's dad that jogged me out of it (just one reason I know I need more social time and different perspectives in my life, which has been badly hampered by the extreme fatigue). The ol' paradigm shift. This is my choice, they get my business only if I deign to give it to them, and that's the end of it. So, the ultimatum. I have been assured it will be resolved by the end of the week. I don't particularly believe it. If it's not, I'm out.

There are no words for that situation. How does the law get to be interpreted as okay for someone to double dip? Even if that guy really didn't have any money left, he'd had it and squandering it was his problem, not hers. Obscene how some things get through. You were right not to settle out of court with your ex. At least mine wasn't that sort of person - just a man-child, not a greedy blood-sucker.

Yeah, I'm in the grey wobbly zone with my depression at the moment. Sleep has been a problem. The fatigue was already bad enough, now I've got a few weeks of insomnia under my belt to go with it. Got some sleeping tablets yesterday, first good night of sleep I've had in ages.

LM and I have spoken about the up-side of his hospital stay. He has a time out from worrying about household stuff. I have more control over it, here. Less food to make, less dishes, more time and focus to get on top of it (he commented that it's "good but concerning" that I'm so much more productive when he isn't here). I've sat still, watched shows and played games a bit, that I haven't done in ages. It's not all bad. Mind you, had to take a sickie to do it, work was crushing me. Sigh.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I think it's a thing when we first move out of home, no-one nagging us to do jobs. It feels good not to do them. Then after a while we realise there's a reason we probably should. It's unhealthy to live in that mess. I do hope you can find the balance with that when you are working.

Yeah, definitely a tightrope. For me the things I need are also the things I don't need. Gotta eat right and sleep enough - but the time for cooking and sleeping takes away the time for relaxing and doing things I enjoy, and I start losing it from that stuff. Bit of a lose/lose situation. I sometimes think embracing the depression would just be easier. Let the jobs pile up, and eat canned spag, and play video games through the night. Eff it.

I can't even imagine having the energy to work and party all night, any more. Even with naps.

I can understand the last hurruh thing. Of course you want to chill before your workload goes up. I've only managed to watch a thing by taking some sick days off work (and it was pure entertainment, no sensible stuff). The exhaustion of fitting in hospital visits around work absolutely floored me. It's a long drive and a lot of energy. I've been sort of managing this extreme fatigue with basically cutting out everything but work and a few jobs at home. Was feeling a little better, but this has highlighted just how bad it really is, if I try to do anything outside that scope. It seriously sucks. Still another few weeks before I see the specialist about it. He may or may not get to the bottom of why I'm like this.

Yeah, no help there. LM and I continue discussing ways we can improve our dynamic at home to get things done. There are ideas, but he gets sick every time it comes to implementing them, so who knows if they'll work?

That's the thing about ADHD. Most people experience some of it, be it through times of stress or overload, fatigue or boredom. So it goes under the radar. The difference is that in ADHD it's all the stuff, all the time. To the point where it significantly impairs functioning in our society as it is. That's the level I'm dealing with. Plus the crazy fatigue of the last several months. Plus the bad shoulder. Plus depression and PTSD. It's great being me.

Will do. He says he may be out a bit earlier than they first thought as he's responding well to the meds. Fingers crossed.

Er, maybe I can do this. Without work, sure. Much rest and self-care in progress.

Blue.