Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

How are you doing atm?

I'm doin' FINE atm.
Fine with everything.
The BF thing sounds alot more intense than it is, I'm fine and not worrying at all (atm lol).
BF does. I'm fine.
I don't want an International clock on my phone being a constant reminder. We usually organise our next call during the last call. He travels so much across different time zones, it would drive me bonkers lol. Plus the time doesn't tell me if he's available. I just call and text - all good.

The Memorial is NEXT Sat not today.
All good.

Yeah I'm not sure if any NDIS funding is available for an ADHD diagnosis alone - depends on how extreme it manifests I guess, IDK. In THAT case I'd be questioning whether it's RAD - reactive attachment disorder as well or instead of. RAD is extremely difficult to diagnose, I understand. It's a THANG for sure, Woah!
Adding ADHD to the pool of pre-requisites by itself would see almost half the population on NDIS I'd estimate.

Perhaps adding a diagnosis of PTSD / C-PTSD could support funding... still IDK.

Better get on,
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

The one thing rule is a good one. I start so many things - I do finish them eventually, but I take a really circuitous route! I can see the funny side of the forgotten broom as I scrub the bathroom. The thing is, that exact scenario can and does play out semi-regularly.

Yes, ADHD does look a lot like overload. What makes it a disorder is that it's like that all the time. The symptoms result in a significantly decreased threshold for overwhelm with normal everyday things - and boy does that describe how things are for me.

Interestingly, with ADHD the problem is understimulation. You know how if you're crazy tired, the same distractability and forgetfulness might occur? It's that. Capture my interest, I'm mentally stimulated and doing okay. Give me caffeine, I'm not bouncing all over the place, it evens me out. Put me in a crisis, I don't lose my head, it brings me up to normal functioning. These are ADHD traits.

You're right about the self-care. Doing my best with that. I had things planned on those lines for my four days off, and they got derailed somewhat by my partner being unwell and unable to do much for himself for the first two of them. I did manage to go out yesterday though, and spend time with my brother and mum. There was indeed fresh air, nature, and laughter involved.

I see your point about shifting focus. Tricky, given I've gone all hyperfocus on the ADHD stuff and can't focus for beans on much of anything else. Trying.

My puffballs aren't chooks. I tend not to mention their breeds as they'd identify me in a shot - suffice to say they are small wild birds (of different species to one another). They are my reason for getting up every day, I adore them (as does my partner).

Blue.

PS Thanks. I think you're pretty great, too. 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'm doing okay. Took a time out from everything to go see family, yesterday. I really needed the breather.

Yep, read your thread, looks like you're in a really good mental space right now. Sweet. Fair enough about the international clock. Mine is part of the regular clock feature, I have to go looking for it to use it. But if you don't want to, that's fine too.

Ah, okay. Still possibly a weight on your mind. But I suspect you have a healthy outlook on it.

Everything I'm reading says a resounding "nope" to all of the above. And I hear people with far worse struggles have a damn hard time getting funding, so honestly, I think I have between 0.00000000000001 and 0% chance of getting any help there. Too much like hard work to even think about right now. I just want treatment and management strategies as much as anything. Any goddamn help at all, because I've had a full adult life so far of a whole lot of nothing. The Health Care Card alone is a minor miracle - and it took my partner moving in, because me as an individual, alone and needing help... Yeah, it was a flat no every time I looked into it for years - system doesn't see me at all.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

yeah, I had a chuckle at the broom too cos that’s me, regularly. Then I get tired and flake....and lower my expectations for the day lol.

puffballs sound cute! If messy...?

I can see how the nature of adhd, if it’s what you think it is , would make things difficult. I guess tho, it’s part of who you are and how you’re used to things, but maybe given everything else going on atm, and your desire to get things sorted- health, house, work/life balance- you’re trying to work it into the mix? See if you can get some better outcomes by knowing more about it?

sounds like you’re a good person in a crisis Blue.
I kinda know a bit about the stimulation part of adhd. The kids have fidget spinners and wobbly seats and lots of aids at school, to maximise their learning. It’s a whole different environment at school now. I guess it’s just one more aspect of recognising that we’re all individuals, and one size Doesn’t fit all. Hopefully soon they will stop trying to teach everyone in the same way, and involve the 5 senses more. Still pretty targeted to visual learners/ readers. When we know that lots of ppl learn by doing.
Glad you got some time doing your own thing- sorry about your man being unwell. That’s hard. Hope he’s feeling better now.
cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Yes I absolutely agree that, for now, even thinking about an NDIS application would be awfully daunting.

I'm glad the psych's office phoned and you have your first appt scheduled.
Big win there set in the Diary.

Tbh with BF I'm all okay with him being over there for now, because I know when he moves here it will be major adjustments for ALL of us here with a "new" person sharing our spaces and our time.
I've always said I'd want that AFTER the youngest turns 18yo.
Then zero to no recourse for demon to carry on like the nutbag it is about nothing.
Nutter have REAL issues about their once trapped spouse moving on.
ALL the kids would then be adults so zip to say about it.

SAME with property sale AFTER Settlement.
A precedent was set here in Family Law that a disgruntled exH was permitted to COME BACK and get 50% of exWs finances 7 YEARS after Settlement (it was a bitter exH as his exW paired up with a woman afterwards).
She thought her finances were secure with Court approved paperwork BUT she was wrong.

I'd hate for BFs finances to get entangled in that shyte.
If I found that Precedent, then I'd bet my house demon has lol.

BF and I plan on hiring U.S. Immigration Lawyers for his move here.
Just so everything's down the line and transparent.

So that's another Legal thing I'm happy to have later.... I need a breather lol!!!

So the reasons "I'm fine" are more complex than I've explained before.
I'm SO fine about it lol!!!

It's funny because BF brought up stuff like that today.
Now HE'S not fine about it hahaha. He's spent 5y saying "It's okay baby, we'll get there" and now it's a pretty urgent need for him to get his side worked through to get here asap. That's nice actually.
It was all the photos of us at the beach yesterday I'm sure lol.
He LOVES the heat.
He lives in SNOW.

Can't wait to get my bedroom sweet. It's coming together.
My CAT loves it! omg.
All good.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yup, it's a thing. Definitely gotta dial back the expectations, some days.

Yep, super cute. And super messy.

Yeah, it makes things very difficult. At the moment I'm really struggling - I get by to some degree with very careful planning around my piece of crap working memory, but any disruptions to that throw me off completely. I've had two weeks of constant disruptions and have been scrabbling madly for any sort of equilibrium the whole while, and achieving very little. Feels like I'm like this all the time with normal everyday stuff, to varying degrees. I'm sick of it. Sure it's part of who I am and how I'm used to things - doesn't mean it's good or healthy or functional. I'm utterly burnt out from working five times harder than everyone else to get half as much done, and loathe though I am to speak the words, I really need help. So yeah, definitely trying to sort out my work/life balance and get better outcomes - know as much as I can about what the heck is wrong with me and what can be done about it. I've lost track even of that lately with my partner being unwell, it's all I can do to sort out some food each day. He's feeling better than last week, but they have admitted him to hospital now, they found signs of a virus they want to aggressively treat.

Yeah, I'm perfectly calm and rational in a crisis, no problem there. Nothing like an emergency to focus the mind.

I've heard about some of the stuff in classrooms to help the ADHD kids learn better. Glad there's some progress with that, though I think there are just as many school environments in which it believed to not even be a real disorder. Frustrating. I agree, there are so many learning styles, it doesn't work having a "one size fits all" system. One day.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, NDIS doesn't count as important for now. I've lived this long with no form of support at all, I'm gonna start small and at least see if I can get an official diagnosis for what I even need support with. That part is hard enough. Anyway, appointment is booked - as you say, it's a win. We'll see what comes from it, if anything.

I understand. There is a lot for you to work through, and acclimatise to, in accepting a new person into your home - even if you do love him. My partner and I took years to move in together, we were both resistant to the idea for a long time. Him for not wanting to go from living with parents to living de facto without a period of independence in between and me for still recovering from living with the last one. If I do in fact have ADHD (never mind the neglect-related PTSD), it's no wonder I was so ruined by living with that filth-lord. I can barely manage a household when things are okay, never mind with someone actively working against me. Anyway, my partner isn't like that, thankfully, and works with me as much as he can.

What the hell sort of precedent is that? That's horrifying.

Yeah, I can see why you want to hire an immigration lawyer, I can imagine it's all a bit complex to navigate. I also don't blame you for not wanting to deal with more legal crap just yet!

Ah, so now he's seeing the stuff he has to do toward it, it's starting to register as a bit of work that he doesn't look forward to? I get it, of course. But he'll have to deal with it, if he wants to come play at the beach with you.

Nice. Cats love all things comfy, they are experts at lounging.

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Hi all.

I haven't been on this thread much. Just saying hi.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue, (wave to Em),

Hey I can hear a quiet desperation in your 'voice'- are you ok? Have you got someone you can lean on atm? Sounds like it's been a real struggle for the past couple weeks. Huge hugs.

Glad you're managing to keep the food side of things up- thats important.

Hopefully this is going to get a lot easier really soon. I'm not sure how....but if your partner is getting the help he needs that can help you to relax. Sounds a bit serious tho if they're doing the 'aggressive treatment' type thing.

Did you see the Insight program on adult ADHD this week? One of the women commented on how difficult it made it, with her memory specifically, and paper work for her son's kindy. She kept forgetting to do it, until he couldn't attend, because she hadn't got it done in time. She said it was really hard telling her H what had happened. The memory problems must be common.

It was an interesting program! The panel seemed split about whether medication was a good thing for them, or not. Some ppl swore by it, said it was like a switch had been flicked. One lady said she felt she became 'too calm', and not herself.

Hoping you can find some peace of mind in this difficult time,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

It has been a while. Hope you're travelling okay.

Blue.