Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Yes I know it was Adelaide Cup Day lol because I looked it up!

Sometimes I don't have a clue that a Public Hol is coming up because I'm so focussed on what's in front of me... so I checked to make sure lol!

Yep, getting more organised slowly but surely whilst I'm working.. and at work.
P. son said our home looked more "professional" lol!!!
I took that.
Why not.

I hope you enjoyed your time off work wonderful girl.

I know by your other thread that you made awesome progress with some MH curiosities.
Well done you!
That's really showing your persevering nature.

When something really IS important you go at it with all your might. As split as your energies are all the time.
So I acknowledge the focus and want to say I admire you for that amongst so many other traits you have!

I was talking "about you" today to BF and stuff to do with infidelity / adultery.
He said I have a really good friend who's aligned with "our" values lol!!

I said INDEED we do!

Well I had to bring work home tonight and will need to get to it now.
I didn't manage to get that nap in. Yvette needed me. She's wavering in that post harshness experience. A little up some times and then down.

Neither of us really know how she'll get through the next year until she can legally leave school.
She won't look at other options for education atm.

We're trying to get the school's side of the paperwork pushed through for her Traineeship, but that Staff member is on leave atm.
At least then she can have ONE day off school.
Then I'm allowing her another for her MH..

She's had enough of my positivity for one night lol!
But found some light in being able to use p.son's car to do her Learner hours on.
Once she gets her L's that is.
That should be soon.

It's lovely she has poodle for company when everyone's out.

Lots of love
EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue, Hi Em,

Whew, you girls been chatty! Can't catch up so I'll just dive in.

Oh Blue! I really saw your place for a sec, walking in the door after a nice visit with your sis, and WHAM- messy! Thats a bit sad isn't it. As if the kids have played all day while you've been out.

I don't know what it is- (well I do really) but I'm the one who picks up!

Drives me wild!

Sounds like you had a grogeous day! Muffins sound delish!!!

Thanks for your feedback lovelies, Talk soon,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Google's great, innit? Public holidays sneak up on me, too. When I do think of them, and stuff like Daylight Savings, I look up dates for the whole year and put them in my calendar. Sometimes I even remember to look at it!

Haha, professional home it is. I don't think that's a bad thing. When I think professional, I do think tidy and organised.

Very little time for enjoyment on my day off, unfortunately. I did sneak in a wetland walk en route home from the doctor, since my partner had the car and I had to hoof it. The crap part of that is I couldn't get the meds I needed because the chemists within walking distance were all shut.

Thanks. Believe me, if I didn't have such dogged determination, I'd be lucky to brush my teeth and get out the door, never mind anything as big as pushing for an ADHD diagnosis (and that's not even accounting for the fatigue or the dodgy back and shoulder, or the depression and PTSD symptoms periodically making things worse...). More on that in my other thread. Thinking of making yet another thread addressing that alone. Anyway, thank you for your encouragement and positivity, it helps a lot.

I smiled re your conversation with BF about me. More kind words. Values are key with me, I aim to be a respectable human being - it doesn't win me any popularity contests, but it does result in a small number of quality friendships (yes, that's a compliment).

Ew, bringing work home. Here's hoping you don't have to do that too often.

It's certainly understandable Yvette will be having ups and downs. She is in a difficult situation that would be dismaying to most people, never mind an abuse survivor. Do you know when the person who you need to sign off on her traineeship will be back from leave? Having a timeline for that at least might help alleviate her stress a bit.

Neat that she has a car lined up to learn on when she gets her Ls. Something to look forward to. And poodle love when she's home without other humans, who wouldn't want that?

Thanks for following along with all my scattered rantings of late, EM. I appreciate it.

Blue.

[ecomama]

You're so sweet Blue, it's a privilege. Well BF loves you nearly as much as me lol!!

Bit of a pain not being able to get your script filled on the way home.
Them's the brakes when sharing a car! I totally get it. Throw it on the pile right?

You're more organised than me about daylight savings lol!!
I rely on BF to keep up to date with all that since it's almost a weekly thing with him changing time zones over there with his work.
Today he's in Utah (I think lol!) so my call was 1 hour later for him.
I just let him take care of it. I can't process that too atm.

I'm in a bit of shock tbh about what my Counsellor told me last night.
She's from America, darling lady she is. She was visiting her family quite often since they're ageing, maybe 2-3x per yr.
So I know things have been rough for her with Covid. The worries of it all.
She told me it's looking like 2y at least before we can "travel freely" to the U.S. & it hit me today. I was holding presence with her last night, it was after our session lol.
So my reaction, for me & BF, was delayed.

Woah. Gotta keep hold of those emotions.
I'm not upset right now.
Just hitting ground zero with that info>>> another TWO years?

C & I both agreed, no one has a crystal ball anyway.

SO GLAD you got to have a wetland walk!
Did you see any birds?

How are puffballs?

Sure go for it starting a thread on the diagnosis trail.
It's clear that many a BB member has trodden that path before!
I was in 100% denial over my own C-PTSD.
It wasn't until every helpline Counsellor and Psych said things like "How could you NOT have PTSD?" Hmmm. That sent me straight to that trauma psych last year.

But Blue, after our first appointment via zoom, she doubted I had PTSD at all!
Then scored my Questionnaires / assessments and said by the second appt that I had it without a question.
great (not).

BUT the thing that threw her off in our first session was that I wasn't depressed.
I was her first patient presenting (in decades of practise) that hadn't shown on first appt with depression.

I'd certainly battled it for around a decade though. Bit hazy that time.

I'm trying to concentrate on the likeness of that Covey concentric circle diagram of what's INSIDE my control and influence and what's OUTSIDE of it.
Flying to the U.S. is way out.
Sighhhh bringing it back to what I can do.

Darned hard work.

I've chatted with Yvette tonight & for today, things were somewhat brighter for her.
I need to update my thread.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yup, we like to chat. Certainly don't feel obliged to keep up with it, even I can't always (I'm willing to bet EM will say the same).

Yeah, it's frustrating. The thing is, my partner really isn't much messier than I am. We both really struggle to stay on top of it, and I've found he is largely motivated by me doing stuff and that's when he gets into gear and helps. When I'm not able to around work, his energy and motivation fall flat, too. It's partly to do with a sense of disconnection, I think, he gets pretty down when we aren't able to spend much time together. Honestly, so do I, so I get it. Ultimately though, it means crap don't get done if I'm busy, and fun is always punctuated by coming home to a pile of work. Ugh.

The part with Sis made for a good day, our conversation was eye-opening and sparked off a bit of a crusade for me (it's looking fairly likely I have ADHD on top of everything else, having compared her recently recognised symptoms with my own life experience).

Oh, and the muffins were great. I'm a pretty good cook, if I do say so myself, haha.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yep I will say the same.... sure!

To what exactly lol...

Sure you're a magnificent cook Blue!

My last post disappeared so I'm just being silly now I think.

I think that talk with your sister certainly sparked lots of food for thought (another type of food)... good on you Blue, for following up!

Had another big day at the end of a few huge weeks.

Big weekend planned.
Pretty sad memorial on Sat, but I'll write about it later on my thread.

Organising the kids to be taken to and from DIFFERENT work places now (yeah they've been asked to staff other stores too now)... on Sat so I can spend the day with T my longest, closest friend... is like NASA level organisation omg.

BUT I'm hearing you Blue. I know what you're talking about.

I wonder if at some point later in the game, you may be able to apply for some NDIS funding to help you out with helpers or anything else, if that's a goer for you...

My gardener came today while I was at work.
He does NDIS work in a person's garden quite often.

Anyway my bed is begging me to rest lol and my Brene Brown podcasts are extremely addictive!

LOL.

Hope you lovelies are both really well.

Love you lots
EM

[Jstar49]

Hi,

wow yeah I can really hear that things seem to be getting on top of you atm Blue. Both in the house and with getting some control with health issues.
why not throw another diagnosis in the mix!
I guess at least a name is useful. Like, if it’s adhd, then it can explain stuff for you. And help with finding strategies for problems. At the end of the day tho, you are you, that special, unnameable combination of gifts and talents that IS Blue..... strong, caring, incredibly determined and resourceful. And darned stubborn, I believe.
I was going to say I have no wisdom for housework blues ( punny, sorry lol)

But I do! My friend Jack gave me this, early in adulthood. One room at a time. One day, it may be the bedroom. Another day, the bathroom. And I’ve found that, by following this in my own haphazard way, I give myself permission to stop. And be content. For today.
love

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, they really are getting on top of me. House, health, work, everything. Ha, yeah, why not another diagnosis? Mind you, bloody long wait to even see anyone, so it's just me looking like a hypochondriac until then, even if all the pieces do fit perfectly.

So far, in the context of ADHD, so many things are making sense for me that didn't before. For instance, whilst it's a bit inconsistent, I do get help at home from my partner, my workload is reduced, and yet I feel more stressed and overwhelmed, and less capable. Same at work - we have more staff, there is less resting on my shoulders and yet I'm more disordered and much more inclined to forget things and miss important details - I am feeling more overwhelmed as I try and get everything together. In context, and in line with what I've read about adults with ADHD, I have very careful organisation strategies to keep me on task and more or less on top of things, and if there are deviations - someone moves an object, distracts me with questions, even does a job on the list I wasn't expecting to be done - I'm suddenly thrown off and lose track, and end up feeling like everything is out of control. Describes me perfectly. (Yes EM, that's in my document.)

I am actually finding some helpful strategies, e.g. if something demands my attention, hold onto an object involved in what I'm doing to remind me of what it was. Trying to remember to employ that! I did it once today, and it helped (just holding a glass I had meant to fill with water when my partner asked me something - seriously, I get sidetracked that quickly).

Thank you for such a pleasant description of myself. There's some resistance, but objectively I can't argue. Am I stubborn? You bet! The flip-side of attention deficit is hyperfocus, and I've got that in spades when something piques my interest.

Good advice, re housework. My take on that is to do one type of job at a time. Given how easily sidetracked I am, doing a bunch of different types of job in one room would be a nightmare - stop sweeping to go grab a sponge, I'm off with the fairies and distracted by something wholly unrelated, sponge totally forgotten. But sweep the house - broom is in my hand the whole time; as long as it stays there, I can sort of focus. Put it down, I'm in trouble. Honestly, it's a minor miracle when I get anything done that I planned to do (I get loads done, just rarely what's on my list or of immediate importance).

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I still chuckle at being called sweet. Good that BF thinks I'm good for you though.

Yeah, it was a pain. I got them after work next day. The bigger problem with one car is I can't bus it to work (I start before busses are running), can't afford Uber for that distance, & the exertion and safety factor of public transport for my partner getting to uni is really bad for his health. It's getting quite stressful.

I sound more organised. I look up and note when Daylight Savings changes. Then forget on the day. Ugh. It's okay if I'm not working that day. Have you tried an international clock on your phone? Converts the time for you.

I understand your worries about how long it could be before travel to America is possible. It's hard, and it hurts. Having some sense of time, once the initial shock eases, may help you get perspective though. I think you wrote somewhere about plans you have in regard to that, things you want done in that time.

The wetland walk was good. Loads of birds. Corellas everywhere, a handful of cormorants, the usual ducks and Eurasian coots, and even a pelican. 🙂

Puffballs are good and beautiful, as always.

I started the ADHD thread. Talking to myself though, it's just sitting there unanswered. As for your PTSD, I agree it would be just about impossible for you not to have it in your circumstances. You handle it (and depression) better than most and worked through a lot on your own, like I have. I think people like us are confusing for professionals, they look for really obvious stuff that comes up when people don't know themselves or research how to help themselves.

The thing I said you'd agree with is it can be hard keeping up with even our own conversation.

Thanks, I'd prove it in person if I could. Cheesecake is on the menu tonight.

Yeah, Sis really did get me thinking. She was mostly poking me about ASD, which didn't really resonate, the ADHD was more an aside in the conversation, and yet...

Yeah, sounds like you've been snowed under, and it won't ease up any time soon. A memorial, and now kids at different workplaces, too. Ugh. Glad you can see your friend, however hard it is to organise.

I did have a look at the NDIS website. Looks like ADHD alone doesn't qualify me for anything - and there's no indication the other stuff I have does at all, never mind in conjunction with anything else. Methinks my chances of getting help there are slim to none, unfortunately. If only I could get gardening help, it's a mess out there!

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Oh Blue! Thats me too!

I gave up lists a while ago.

The one thing works well for me. Even if the intention is to do bathrooms, and all I get done is the shower....tick!!

I'm fantastic at starting a half dozen jobs..not quite so good at finishing, sadly 😞 So I laughed at my mental picture of the broom standing forgotten in the hallway as Blue gets busy scrubbing the bathroom lol

I haven't read up on adhd at all ( altho I know some kids...it seems to be very variable...) but some of what you're describing does sound like overload, generally.

I only say this becos I know that when I am in an overstimulated state, which is my form of overload, just one extra question makes my head spin and the whole house of cards can come tumbling down....

I am also very forgetful, so can totally relate to the water glass anecdote....that works!

But maybe there are similarities between overload, and adhd..... so if the strategies work use them!

However, can I just suggest to remain aware of how stressed and overloaded you are feeling atm...and keep working to address that by being SUPER kind to yourself 🧡💛💚💙💜

Fresh air, time with your gorgeous man, hopefully at the same time? Make time for laughter dear Blue, we all need a good laugh to clear the cobwebs.

Have you heard that saying, what you focus on grows...? (It's not a quote, I'm certain of that!)

It's also used with kids. Instead of giving attention to the child misbehaving, it's the other child who gets the attention, whilst the misbehaver is left alone, in an oxygen vacuum, if you like.

Maybe this could help you atm. I'm not sure how. But maybe, instead of the problems continueing to get the majority of your attention, you can redirect, to ......I don't know! What else do you like to do Blue? It would have to be pretty compelling, as from the overwhelm you're experiencing these issues are very demanding.

This is totally not logical! Perhaps it won't work Blues......but hey. Maybe it's worth a try...?

Hey, quick question, are your birds/puffballs? chooks or other sorts of birds- budgies or something. I noticed you mentioning them......

Love

J*

PS Glad you liked my description of you- it sounds like you to a tea, as i reread it.... It's amazing what a sense one can get about a person from just their written words....You're pretty amazing Blue xxx