Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Blues thats great that appt day went well- and I hear you on the parking- nightmare! Highway robbery when ppl have no choice but go to hospital! Glad you enjoyed some time with your lovely man, goofy notwithstanding! Very entertaining!

I can understand about the housework. It gets me down and I don't work outside the home. Right now I'm avoiding it! If I do get work away it's one of the things I'm looking fwd to most- just being responsible for my own mess, and not the endless sea of work and expectations I have about how my homw 'should' look, let alone the hygiene aspect. I dusted and vacuumed thoroughly in our b/room recently- whoa! I'm sure all the dust being removed is good for my H's sinuses! Bit scary to think that the whole house probably needs it. My kitchen cupboards are awful....I'm to embarrassed to admit whats going on there! Anyway thats todays job. Just one shelf at a time. I've done on- it's just taking me a LOOOONG time to get around to the rest!

I wonder what you did with your day?

I had some time to myself recently, and found it wasn't what I did that made the difference, it was the fact that my headspace was different. Sort of more...mindful maybe? More floaty! I just drfited from one thing to another, totally in my own space and own head, and not pulled out of it by someone else's presence.

Anyway, I must quit procrastinating. The chooks are waiting for their treat.

Oh btw I agree with Em. I find that putting fun first definitely does change life HEAPS. Its so hard to do when everything else is so important, but it does help with prioritising, IME. Kinda like how you can clean the house in 20 mins when a GF says they're coming over....LOL! Or it can take all day.

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Yeah I hear you Blue (and J*) about housework, it's a never ending thang!

I have stuff "playing" when I do housework.
Almost from the minute I get home most of the time.
I can barely say "I watch" this or that, it's just playing in the background as I work lol.

I've found a groovy radio station that helps alot!
And some of their "call in" segments are hilarious.

So as much as you guys may not agree, I actually enjoy it all now.
I think it's because I'm actually FREE. demon was so horrible.
The absence of that "atmosphere" is just clean, clear and beautiful.
It literally took years for the kids and I to walk around our home 'without fear' kind of feeling.

So I guess that's my baseline.

How did you enjoy your day at home by yourself Blue?

Oh yeah I should probably answer on the Finance thread lol, but I wasn't denied the Home Loan... they just didn't approve it "as was"... but if I pushed instead of making all the alterations etc, then I think it would've been denied... too much to explain. A GREAT Bank Manager was my saviour for sure. Weird time!

I will post more on the Finance thread.
I made some potential goals last night.
Still, I'm not sure of where to really go with it. I trust your judgements on those Blue. I can't really share my financial position 100% honestly with IRL ppl around me! lol. My Uncle would go MORE berzerk with my atm card and I ain't havin' dat! Anyway tbc on finance thread.

Hey J*
Blues Minimalism thread was the bomb for me when I was looking at so much to do.
It felt SO GOOD to have her moral support!
It was a huge bolsterer for me to charge through it.
Lol my kids STILL look surprised when they open my kitchen cupboards LOL! One child said on the weekend "Oh I forgot you cleaned that, LOOK AT IT!" then held it open for the others to have a look.

100% agree that having ppl over is a HUGE motivator! Hahaha.
Yvette's party did that for ALL of us. Sure 85% was still up to me but it was good having others contribute.

NEXT is my High School Reunion "After Party" in Oct, unless Qlder et al visit earlier as they intend. Hmmm Uncle will be rabbiting around more before then.

I might see if I can hire a painter.... school's out on that thought atm. I LOVE painting myself BUT my Leave is taken up this year with other stuff.

Hope you're doing well lovelies!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Thanks. Yeah, the parking price is disgusting exploitation, really hits my "hate of injustice" button, I can tell you. I am glad we had some time together after. Was pretty funny with him holding his coffee cup lid like a steering wheel and making driving noises. That's the kind of goofy I mean, haha.

I think in some ways it's worse when you don't work outside the home. The housework becomes this endless monotony, going around in circles. Makes the soul tired, and I definitely see elements of that in some of what you write. I hear you about just having your own mess to deal with, too. I only have one other person in the house now, and just that little bit of extra mess is stressful. I had a talk with him last night about working on having better habits to reduce mess at the starting point instead of having to fix it once it's there. Prevention is always better than cure. Good work doing the dusting and vacuuming, I hate those jobs, they're hayfever and asthma waiting to happen, for me.

I actually had to look at my messages to my partner to remember what I did with my day, haha. Good thing I did that, I'd forgotten I have a bunch of veggies cut up from them to make a red curry - it would be a shame to waste those. It was a big cooking day (hence having cut some veggies ahead for the curry). I completed making another kind of curry on the day, and some orange and poppyseed muffins (I've gone dessert mad, lately). Had some ambient fantasy music playing while I cooked, it was pleasant.

Yep, that's exactly how having a day to myself is for me. I don't feel like I'm on a schedule or like someone is going to clamour for my attention, or disturb my flow. My partner gets the guilts when I do jobs, because he still isn't up to doing as much as I do, and always ends up feeling down when I do them, so I end up being hyper-productive on my Blue days being as I don't have that hanging over me. We've really gotta work on that, I don't want to be unable to get things done when he's home, or feel like all I get to do when I'm alone is bloody work.

Can't keep the chooks waiting, hehe. 🙂

Yeah, I get what you're saying. That sort of works, sort of doesn't. I decided to go see my sister after work yesterday, which was really good. Then I came home, to see all the crap I'd got done around the house not two days before pretty much completely undone, and that was really depressing. As EM said, "the housework will still be waiting for you". Yes. That's the problem.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup. Stupid housework. I listen to music quite often when I work, that helps. It would annoy me to have a show in the background, I'm either watching something or I'm not, I don't like to do it halfway (or if I do, it's in the form of pausing it while I do other things). Can't say I'm a fan or radio, either, my kind of music doesn't get played on the radio, and I hate the talking segments. (Got my grumpy old fart vibe going here, don't I?)

I understand how you feel about things, in light of being free of your ex. My experience is different, unfortunately. My ex was the ultimate filth wizard, constantly undoing anything I did. So when mess builds up now and I lose a valuable day off to cleaning, it triggers the hell out of me. Yay.

It was good having my own time, except that I was really in the zone of doing stuff and had to cut it short to go to bed for work. That really sucked. My days to myself are always so short, if I get them at all.

Ah, okay, I understand. Good thing you had some support with that. I shall await your other revelations/questions/goals on my finance thread.

Gonna blush at all this praise re my minimalism thread, haha. I really am glad it's been so helpful for you. I have things pretty much in order at home, but even I still revisit the minimalist blogs and stuff to get in the mindset to clear little areas that have become a bit cluttered again. Life is messy, after all.

Definitely true about having people over. Oh, another valuation is expected re swapping banks for the refinance. People literally coming over to scrutinise my home. Again. That motivates a quick clean, certainly. It also motivates stress and anger. I am so sick of going around in circles with this crap, I need this to be over. No more scrutiny, no more life on hold, it's been on hold for one reason or another for bloody years, I need to just bloody live.

High school reunion, huh? I wouldn't have anything to do with 98% of people I went to school with, bunch of jerks and vacuous normal people, no thanks. Maybe your peers were better. I think the education system was better, so systemic stupid wasn't promoted on quite the same level. Just a thought.

Good plan, delegating the painting. One needs to focus on the priorities, and if other things need doing, it's okay to get someone else to do it.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

What's going on there with the banks?
They come IN to your home to do a "Valuation"?
Um that sounds umm really different to what's happened every time with my houses.
Tbh I'm shocked and I don't like that... why would it be SO different here in NSW?

They just do a "drive by" and get all their other info from past sales and comparative sales in the area. That's exactly how my last bank manager described their Valuation process. (I thought it might be difft due to it being a "re-finance due to Family Law" and more like the process in Courts but it wasn't).

Possibly this is because of the Royal Commission?
IDK Blue.

I've always felt on tenterhooks awaiting a banks final approval.
But adding the long wait AND this 'visiting your home' caper... gosh that's just added pressure and scheduling.
No wonder you've been feeling more under the pump and adding LMs medical stuff too.

Big hugs.

Yes I hear you about ex's being so disrespectful in all ways (I read what you wrote on J*s thread too). demon was, no doubt still is, like that, plus he stole so much & destroyed so much of what we had. This makes me sad for the kids. Their stuff too.

demon's out now, that's the main thing. No more damage on every single level.
Just repair, recovery, respect and kindness.

Ofcourse you helped a billion % lol with my minimalism efforts.
It feel SO AMAZING being able to walk through our home easily and lightly.
My bedroom was stacked up in the clean up for Yvette's party, so I've got more work to do there.

The kids are doing so well keeping their new rooms tidy.
P.son has barely been here, so alot of his stuff is still in bags for him to sort but we close the door so lol. He went through some on the weekend. Progress. All good.

Lol @ your thoughts about a High School reunion lol.
We've had a "Reunion" of types every year for about 20y now, just little ones each year.
Then a BIG one every 5y.
We've done this since 5y out of Year 10 for most. 3y out of Year 12 for a few of us lol.
We prob had a similar mix of ppl as you did, IDK?
An MP & a few ppl working in really interesting fields of Science & the music industry.
Lots of teachers. Heaps of blue collar workers.
Plenty who've passed away now.
We put a slide show up of photos of everyone, which is lovely.

Might get more sleep. Had a nap which went till 4am lol! I was tired!
Lots of midnight runs picking up kids from work.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

In all my years dealing with banks and home ownership I've only once had a valuation done without some jerk coming into my home. It's the norm here rather than the exception, has been for as long as I've had anything to do with it. I don't like people in my house at the best of times. Add this goddamn scrutiny to it and I am not a happy camper. Not to mention I was very clear that my partner was the point of contact for this due to my availability, and sure enough it was me they came chasing after to bother. Even when I try to delegate, this crap just gets pushed back onto me. I am furious.

Yes, definitely feeling unduly under the pump with this absurd circus on top of my partner's medical stuff and my own, and the usual circus of work and related obligations.

I'll take those hugs, a little comfort in these trying times is always a pleasant surprise.

Yeah, I don't doubt you have plenty of experience with the sort of crap I went through with the ex, and more. We got them out of our lives, though there's still some work to do in removing the lingering damage.

It's good to be of some help. I see so many situations in which my knowledge could be of great help to people (in minimalism and even more with money), but 99% just don't want to listen (but they'll still carry on about being broke and having too much cleaning/maintenance/clutter). Ugh. You are a pleasant rarity that sees what you can achieve and goes for it, reaping the benefits. So refreshing.

Great that your kids are on board, too. From what you've said about him, I suspect prodigal son will be pretty on top of things when he returns home, I believe you said he is the most "minimalist" of them all.

Of the few I still know anything about from school, most are stay-at-home mums on welfare - not that I'm saying that's easy or unworthy, but they do tend to give up any form of individuality at that point and don't talk about much except their partners or nappies. Yawn. Sounds like you have a bit more of a mixed bag from your lot.

Sleep is important. Those midnight runs when you're working full time as well must burn you out somewhat.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes, sleep is so important. Not getting much sound, good quality sleep atm. I think the bullying thing at work rattled me on a deeper level and it's made lots of not so pleasant dreams.
Hayfever I think too atm lol. Something I don't usually get but it's bothering lots of ppl at work too.

You've made a huge difference to our minimalism efforts here Blue.
I even did this thing at work too which you'd laugh about. I need to do this more at work AND at home but I'm on an intermittent roll with it, the HUGE stuff was mostly tackled last Summer with your support. Thankyou!

More to go but that's okay.

What's the go with bank valuations there???
That's so crazy!
I have no idea why it's SO different there to here, like WHY??

The ONLY Valuer that came into my home was the Certified one who had an extra Family Law whatever lol. Talk about a jerk all right, do NOT get me started.
ALL the rest have been drive by and as I said.
NONE do the meet and come in palaver.
They must be trying to justify their jobs or some garbage.
Absolutely NOT necessary.

Grrrr. Had to do that!

If they do that to ME then I'll see another bank.
In fact it will be the first question I ask.

People are under so much stress and lack of time.
It's like when someone "has a job to do" then all consideration of others flies out the window.

I say this to my Colleagues at work when phoning families.
They flip me off about it then WONDER why the families ONLY want to speak with me.
Oh go figure.
Yeah my work's piling up!

Now another thing every morning and 2 afternoons per week has been added to my bundle in my family.
I am not sure HOW I will be able to get to work on time and get any work done after work when I need to.
Looks like I'll be bringing stuff home to do, which I strongly avoid!

I really don't mean to sound like a Negative Nelly lol, perhaps I'm just a realist about this particular thing.... I don't really ever expect to be "where I could've been" financially bec of demon & it's long term theft.

I'd like to get above this mindset!!!
Maybe I will be able to get to where I could have been, IDK?

What I DO know is right now, how much BETTER off I am without that completely black vortex sucking everything out of us now and forever.
At least the STOP POINT happened, THANK GOD for that!
I locked everything down SO SECURELY, you have no idea lol.

So to look to the future. And grab the precious present!
I DID do that thing on my finances.
Twice now.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Of course bullying at work rattled you. You love your job, and that jerk added an element of abuse to a part of your life that isn't usually tarnished by it. Give yourself some space to process that.

Oh, bloody hayfever. I have no end of trouble with that. Hope you have some antihistamines around. They're my best friends. And nasal spray. And my asthma puffers. Ha. Classic wheezy nerd, here.

Sweet. Oh, do tell about your minimising escapades at work. Love it. You did such a great job at home over Summer, really something to be proud of. It's so satisfying to see your space clear up and have more room to move, and to live.

Yeah, I don't know why they think it's necessary to come into the home. I could go to another bank, but they'd do the same, and have. Yet to come across one that doesn't do it that way. Never mind they give you sod all notice when they want to come and do it so you're in a mad rush cleaning up. Sure there's the option to put it off, but so help me, one more delay on this goddamn refinance... Oh, that's a thing, now the valuer has been (this morning), it's a public holiday Monday, so her report will still not be acted on for days anyway. Aaargh!

I think you've captured human nature in a nutshell, each individual has there little thing they focus on (be it their job or any other self-oriented thing), and give little to no consideration for others that get swept up in it. Not a fan of this mentality.

What's this about extra work to do, and taking work home with you? That's not good. You have enough on your plate at home without work intruding. Can you nip this in the bud, somehow?

Ha, don't worry about the Negative Nelly thing with me, I ain't no ray of sunshine. I understand your frustration about being financially undermined and thinking of where you could have been. In essence I'm still paying for the old house I don't have any more, I'd borrowed a lot from Dad to keep the place and am coughing up every week still for that. Without that I could chop 2-3 hours a week off my roster (doesn't sound like much, but it all counts).

Ultimately, we are where we are, and we are both constantly improving our situations. That counts. Our goals and actions now with what we have. And as you say, no jerks sucking our money away in the present. That also counts. I did answer on the money thread - you're doing great.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Well I'm minimising AT WORK too lol! oh yeah baby lol.

Omg so much stuff... I put a "Free to any home" pile on the staff room table lol!
Brought professional resources, I no longer want or need, down to the Shared Spot to share.

I've been able to SHRED so much sensitive paperwork because instead of keeping 2 HUGE 4 drawer filing cabinets FULL of it, I emptied the lot and put it all in a locked store room.
Then once a week or more if I have time, I take bundles to the copier, scan them & email then to myself then save them to our Work's Shared Files.

SO MUCH BETTER. Then everyone can access the stuff I do, most of it anyway, the best bit is they don't have to find me and ask me what I've done, they can just LOOK themselves! Such a time saver for me esp and everyone else too. They LOVE this!

Some of it IS too sensitive to save there so I've given it to our work psych lol. She has to by Law (so do we) keep this under lock and key.
Better her than me I say lol.

I'm probably half way thru ONE filing cabinet's worth lol. I've given myself this year to do that.
I keep accruing more at the same time, that I do that process with, so this year it's kind of "doubling up" hence so much work - to begin with..

Then I found these little container thingies and I've organised all the things I need in my share of a store room AND in my office.

I bring up a box per day to my office / storeroom.
If I don't have time to sort it then, I do it when I can, usually after work.

You'll love this Blue! I bought Yvette a cute colourful organiser thingy with rainbow coloured containers in a BIG container.
When we were moving bedrooms, she gave it back to me lol.
I was going to use it for my sewing stuff, but that's almost organised without it.

SO I'm taking it to work and instead of using zip lock bags and having baggies everywhere.
They'll be emptied into a different coloured container, labelled.
Doneskis.

Back to the refinance. I simply do NOT understand why NSW Banks can be entirely different to another Australian state's banks, like what IS that?
I've NEVER had to let someone in. Except for the FL case.
grrr for YOU!

Anyway, I felt rough and tumbled today big time.... then... drum roll...
You will not BELIEVE what I got in the mail omg! Good news, absolutely shocked me.
>>> finance thread stuff.

I saw ppl here talking about a Public Hol! OMG we do not get it lol.
Are you working that day?
My kids TRY to lol!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Cool. I've been known to bring in piles of stuff like that for staff to take, too. Kitchen things mainly, and they disappeared pretty quickly. Nice work with the professional resources going to the shared spot.

Love the work with the shredding and digitising of sensitive documents. Much more efficient. And outsourcing some of it to the work psych. Big job, but worth it in the long run. I hear you about new stuff still coming in in the meantime, that's a pain, but you'll get there.

Yep, I like the rainbow-coloured organiser. I agree, way better to use than ziplock bags all over the place, that sort of thing drives me nuts (probably because Mum won't handle anything without a plastic bag on her hand and just leaves them everywhere when she's done - I hate plastic bags so much). Containers for the win.

Yeah, I dunno about that valuation process. They're jerks. Anyway, it's done now.

I can imagine. Yep, I've read & replied on the money thread. Great news.

You don't get the public holiday because it's Adelaide Cup Day. Mind you, our stupid government have decided shops like the one I work in have to be open anyway. It's my day off, fortunately, but whilst my colleagues are working, all the businesses I need while I have the time to do stuff are bloody shut. Oh well, if today was busy at work I should at least not have the usual post-public holiday overload of work to do when I'm back, tomorrow. We'll see.

Blue.