Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Jstar49]

Hi guys,

quick pop in-

Thanks Blue, your post made me cry! Just, I guess, the noticing, and the 'wana talk?" Thanks so much.

And mama, I do so love the vibe of us girls supporting each other. Hope Sleepy comes back on. I really miss her.

I'm just changing some stuff on the inside atm. It's hard work, and very tiring. I'm changing how I define self worth, making it something I can achieve, rather than basing it on others opinions of me. (Wasnt really aware i was doing this until recently, so yay me!)

H is being hard work, so I'm keeping him at a distance. He gets triggered regularly and easily- he thinks I'm 'speaking around' lol. I'm not. Altho if things don't improve I'll not hang around.

Tho I probably will. I said that he could retire and I'd work.

Hence my envy! I'm beginning to fear I will never have passionate se# again!

(sorry is that too rude for the forums??)

Ahh lol, it is what it is.

Don't ask me to make a list EM! It would just get me hoping something mite be different! I have asked, for some simple, basic things- for him to trust me. For us to have regular walks on the beach together. For us to go away for a weekend together. For him to say 'hello' instead of 'what are you doing' or 'who are you txting'. For affectionate touch.

I don't know what else i can ask for. So I am 'planting my own garden, and bringing myself flowers.' He can either get his sh#* sorted, or not. It's up to him. He hasn't even made an appt to see a GP, which was no.1 on my list. He doesn't believe the tentaive diagnosis our C made. Oh sure, he's fine. (translation-sarcasm. need an emoji for sarcasm lol)

(I have been compassionate btw. Understanding. Just...getting frustrated now)

If this doesn't make much sense I have rewritten it about 60 times.....

Cheers, and thx for the love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I think I'm getting it more and more... this is all so difficult.

I can't imagine a celibate life either. ESPECIALLY when you're married!

Btw I had alot of that previously in demonic "marriage" only to find out he'd never ever like EVER been faithful.

But left me alone most of the time.

And if there are real physical reasons for it, then that's another pile of hard stuff.
There seems to be a LOT of embarrassment with a man seeing his GP about it.
That's so sad and frustrating, when there could be THE thing shared.

Well, I don't blame you one iota J*, no matter what the case is.

Also things like depression and anxiety can cause issues in the bedroom.

Hey, you're awesome J* and so are YOU Blue!

YOU ARE ALL SO WORTHY!

I'm off to have dinner - late!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

better just correct that- sorry Em I wasn't very clear. H needs to see GP to get referral to Psych- Our c thinks maybe OCD (there! I've said it) is his issue rather than anxiety/depression. Which is fueling his paranoid thoughts and distrust of me. It makes sense. It's very hard to live with. Just an almost unceasing cycle of negative, distrusting thoughts and attitudes. He's already on anti-depressants but C thinks maybe something more targetted to OCD I think. Also, obviously, to talk about it. Recognise it.

So MY instructions were, to practice equanimity, rather than flaring up, reacting to his moodiness. (I used to get it out in the open, provoke a fight basically, or else he just walks around with THE WORST mood, off at me but pretends super affection to T. Muttering under his breath.) Anyway this hasn't happened for a bit, since the C's appt.So somethings shiftting. But he needs help.

So. Apologies Blue for taking up so much space. Just wanted to clear up that misunderstanding.

(Altho he could talk to the DR re libido too btw....so hard to do, yes!) So many physical things link to low libido. Our main prob now is the lack of trust. It's basically destroyed any loving feeling i have for him.

You're both very brave, Blue and Em, to be able to trust, and love, and take such risks in relationship after having such negative damaging ones. I see you. I see your strength and bravery and beauty. I'm glad your partners do as well.

I salute you both!

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* and a BIG HI to you too Blue!

Yeah I think I gave a POV of mine re: your Counsellor's advice on your thread J*.
What I forgot to write was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is not helpful for YOU mostly.

I get it tho.

Thanks for clearing that up, thankyou for your trust in us! lol. Hugs.

Funny thing is that I was talking with psych friend last week about OCD.
And "the extreme need for control" within that "issue" - in one country at least OCD is NOT an issue due to cultural norms.

BUT that's a far kinder diagnosis than I was putting out there.
It's still in line with "control" being the major motivator.

I'll be honest, I think it's more than that due to his additional behaviours ie passive aggression, manipulation.
So not only the need to control his physical environment but the PEOPLE in it.

I spoke with a male medical professional once and he told me that one way to get a man to see his GP is to mention that issues with the prostate is a real thing, can be very serious, difficult to diagnose without a GP and best nipped in the bud / caught early.

Sorry for the short post!
Leaving for work early this morning.

I hope you both / all have a WONDERFUL day!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ladies,

Just a quick post today. My days off have been tipped on their head by a very early appointment for my partner tomorrow he can't drive himself home from (he'll be sedated), which means up late from the jet lag of inadequate sleep during the work stretch only to be straight back in bed early so my stupid fatigue doesn't completely unravel me for getting up at dawn. Forget most the jobs I was going to do, forget the fun things I was going to do, that's two days mostly knocked out for me and the very thought is making me tired and miserable. Not resenting my partner, he has no more choice than I in these things, but I needed these days off so much.

I can't do justice to anything you guys have said just now with the piffling time I have to myself and all I have to stuff into it, but I do want you to know I'm paying attention.

EM, it's a shame our partners can't see how beautiful they are. At least they have us to remind them. Not cool that your man's dad insulted his appearance. You mention physical beauty fading with age, but I think that is relative. That "inner beauty" really shows in one's physical countenance.

My love language is similar to yours, I do or make little things for the people I care about, and (in my reserved way) show my appreciation with words. Mind you, I'm just fine with receiving those things too, haha.

J*, you're sounding really tired and frustrated and low. I understand.

No, I don't think it's rude to say you want a bit more passion in the bedroom. In a relationship it is the one thing you share that you don't with anyone else - that aspect of it has to be nurtured the same as anything else. That said, when there are problems in that area it is often a sign of losing connection in other areas (emotionally, intellectually, etc.), and what you've said shows there are definite struggles there.

You've said your husband shows distrust to you, and is unwilling to get the help he needs for his health. I know you understand how hard mental illness can make things for a person, but compassion only gets you so far. My ex was depressed, but he refused help. Ultimately I had to concede that I couldn't help him, the effort was destroying me and achieving nothing. By all means try and get your husband the help he needs, I really do hope it works (consult your counsellor re how) - but also know when the cost for you is too great, and don't let him consume you. Whatever his struggles, he doesn't have that right.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Good luck with good lookin' LMs appointment tomorrow. I hope he's able to get the best treatment known. Hugs.

I can hear you're feeling stressed about things, so I'll wait to hear how things went!

Lots of love and bestest wishes
EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

Hope you're getting some sleep for your trip tomorrow, best of luck honey. It's a bummer about having your time off sucked up by an appt and traffic and all the blah that goes with it- I hope that there's a silver lining somewhere.

You're very intuitive. I realise I was very tired, and just ignoring it really.

Big stuff going down, I'll keep you posted as it evolves. Or, it could be my life evolving in a totally new direction! Every cloud has a silver lining. This clouds blessing could mean my dream job! We shall see....

LOVE

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ladies,

In hindsight, it looks like I covered the important points in my last point okay. Maybe I can be succinct and not waffle sometimes after all...

EM, thanks. It was a pretty routine procedure for him, but they do use general anaesthetic for it which isn't exactly risk free. Always concerns me. At least this time they didn't put it on one of my work days (for crying out loud, I only work two business days each week, it's not like they have to do that), so I could be there for him.

It went fine, as usual. While I was waiting for them to get done and let me take him home, I went for a walk in a nearby park. Kinda needed that, so not all bad.

My stress is less about my partner's medical stuff than my own, and the refinance (I do worry for him, but his health stuff is a permanent feature of our lives I've come to terms with, there's no uncertainty about it). Feeling very much like I can't use my resources because the bank idiots are still scrutinising my finances after so long. Between that and the ongoing fatigue and shoulder issues I've barely seen family or friends in months, I hardly touch anything fun as I have three choices at any given time - sleep, jobs or fun. Guess which one is the only optional one. The whole business is making me pretty damn miserable right now.

J*, thanks. I did get a bit of rest, and the appointment went okay. We did sit and have a coffee and some chips at the café after (making me stress about money - though it was still well and truly cheaper to do that than pay for the parking, gods that's highway robbery). I have a little more time off still before work. Just hope I can pull together some energy for something fun after the mandatory bloody jobs.

Of course you were tired, J*. The stuff you're dealing with really wears on a person. It's not the kind of tired sleeping helps a lot, it's more soul tired. That in turn makes doing the life things harder and even more tiring. I know it far too well. Some self care needed here, methinks.

Life evolution can be stressful and also pretty amazing. I've had pretty good things spring up from difficult, miserable times. We'll be watching for that silver lining. Wishing you luck.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Good to hear LMs medical procedure went well, that's awesome.

Darling girl, I'm really hearing you about the financial stress and the banks taking their time... sometimes they do this instead of denying the application... hoping you'll withdraw your application... IDK but you can ASK them this question directly.
I did.
Got the answer I dreaded.
Then went back fulltime to cover it.
Then got it.

I'm far more "well" now, but back then, I wasn't.

I'm sorry they're mucking you around, it's horribly disappointing.

Do you know what???
You CAN actually say YES to yourself even if it's once a month or fortnight or week about seeing ppl you like hanging out with.

The housework will still be there when you get back.

The great thing is that is doesn't MULTIPLY while you're out!
Sometimes it evens seems far less important when you get back home, or easier to deal with because our mood's lightened, etc.

Getting out of our own head for while is SO important.

Your mental / psychological health is worth more than money can buy.
Make life's journey more pleasant for yourself is a GOOD CHOICE.

Love always
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks. As I said, it was pretty routine, but I'm always quite relieved when it's done with. He was quite goofy from the anaesthetic after, that was pretty entertaining.

Oh, I'm not worried about the application being denied. I've always had a lot of mucking around from banks and never been denied yet. My finances are in order, they just need to accept that and hold up their end of the bloody bargain. I know how hard it must have been for you at the time, having an application denied, especially after all the stress involved in applying in the first place. Ugh.

Hm, more like once a month in my current position. My shoulder was the biggest bugbear over the last few weeks, I was in too much pain to want to do anything (another reason housework really piled up). I'm mostly caught up on that stuff now I've spent a couple of days tackling it on and off.

Hm, if I still lived on my own I might agree that housework doesn't multiply while I'm out, but it does these days - especially if he's had the birds out. Gods, the mess! As for doing the housework in general, some of it really isn't optional - most people can get away with leaving off on changing sheets, sweeping floors, dusting surfaces... if I do, I can forget breathing, no amount of hayfever and asthma meds makes up for an ill-kept house, unfortunately.

You are right about getting out of my head, of course. Not sure of the best thing to do for that. My partner is out tomorrow, I don't get the house to myself very often these days, want to make the most of it so need to make a decision about what form that is going to take. Self care is tricky when you're not quite sure what you need most. 😕

Kind thoughts to you, EM.

Blue.