Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Blues.

I have a Social Worker which is basically a Counsellor, but she rescheduled my appointment yesterday for no reason (she spoke to my Mum as I don't have my own phone, I wouldn't use it, so I use hers too) and she was rude about it, and now I have to wait until Feb 25. This isn't the first time this has happened to me in general.

I saw a MH Nurse a while ago but they were extremely rude & they said I was faking it all although I scored a 50 on the K10 test by being completely honest.

[golden82]

Hi mb20lover,

I am sorry to hear that - That is a LONG wait for support. I also don't have consistent, reliable 'help'. However, I am keen to enquire about online counselling that Blue mentioned. Maybe you could look into this also? Might be able to get someone sooner? Take care 🙂

[Guest_4643]

Thanks golden. I'm sorry you don't have consistent, reliable help too. I usually just go on these forums, talk to my parents, some friends in America or 1 interstate, or I talk to the helpines on the webchats when I feel up to it, and see my GP & Psychiatrist whenever I can.

I'm not sure where I could do online counselling. I did do a Mindspot course but personally I didn't find it very helpful, but it may help others. I wanted to do their PTSD course but the person on the phone kept arguing with me and dismissing my feelings saying I don't have PTSD. I do actually, it's one of my diagnoseses and I have proof of it so I didn't appreciate it. Other than that I'm not sure where to do online counselling and if it would cost any money.

And yeah, the Social Worker is nice but I think she fit someone else in for my appointment today. These things happen but it's not fair for me or other people if they have appointments and book them months in advance. I booked this before Christmas.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

You're lovely!

It's always nice to be validated isn't it? Such a basic thing, but so essential. After so many years of feeling the exact opposite messgae coming thru, I always enjoy being told I am worthwhile, useful to have around enjoyable, helpful, everything! I'm practicing saying this stuff out loud too. It's amazing how hard it is, how unnatural it feels. My d is good for that. She primes the pump, tells me she loves me so often that I have said it back to her more in her 10 yrs, than in the other 40 all put together!

Yep it's a 50 yr for me this year. Yikes. I still feel like an awkward kid! Or a frustrated 20-something!

Yes that all makes sense the way you describe your empathy. But here's what I think. You care. You care enough to involve your mind and think through things, and walk beside others whilst they are struggling. Maybe you don't feel what they're feeling, per se...? But you do have empathy. At least it feels like it to me.

Just briefly, maybe your counsellor was talking about CBT? Cognitive behavioural therapy...

Probably would be a good fit for you, cos it's thinking-;) lol, and then adjusting thinking and behaviour to match more what you want or is more realistic for the situation. My SIL used it to good effect for her anxiety. For her it involved gently confronting the unhelpful thinking which tended to spiral down into anxiety. Runs in the family actually. I call it H's 'worst case scenario' thinking. Only he acts like it the only case scenario.!...

I mainly keep contact with my foo family because of my d. And becos mum is getting older etc etc. I saw her yesterday. Needed to let d give her the Chrissy present which got accidentally left behind on boxing day.

Absolutely well guarded and no expectations, quick visit in the middle of busy day, I wasn't surprised or blindsided, and suffered no ill effects. Pretty good visit really! I'll have to remember the strategy.

I do feel guilty that I havnt' been able to be more supportive. Altho TBH she really doesn't want my help. Ouch- that hurts. I'll have to consider that later. In light of Covey's paradigm..... (THE book- the book is the bomb! I just hope I finish it!) Anyway, shall work to maintain light contact. Kinda like light milk. Low fat contact LOL!

I think that maybe one reason I find you so fascinating Blue is that you are quite like my dad...bit weird but there it is! As in, rational, logical, extremely helpful within his area of expertise. Thoughtful.

Cheers

J*

[ecomama]

LOL @ "How are they even alive?"

I KNOW right? THAT one and soooooooo many other comments are made in this house lol.

One pearler came from one son who announced his "Philosophy of Life" to us all at a family meeting... he said "I figure if I look at (demon's) life and do EVERY THING the exact OPPOSITE then I'm going to be really successful!"

Out of the mouths of babes hey? LOLOL! so many pearls of wisdom from the kids.

Hey Blue I think CBT would be a very good fit for you because you (and I and many others here) like to 'talk through' things, get feedback, think, share again and around it goes.

But woah on the talk about others having more acute trauma so you can understand their PTSD... I felt the same way.
This stuff that happened to you (and didn't happen ie the neglect which we've covered before as being coined as the worst form of child abuse) has been traumatic. You know it has.

It was shocking and terrible for you to go through. Adult stuff on top of perplexing childhood stuff.

If you can allow yourself to think of PTSD on a spectrum as for example depression is.
A person may have deep, heavy, persistent depression or another may have feelings of depression after an event.

So a person may have incredibly debilitating PTSD and need hospitalisation ongoing and another may have more "manageable" symptoms and carry on working and appear to be "fine" to the outside world.

Considering the fact that we're all very different human beings with vastly varied human experiences, we don't fit the old fashioned text book type of PTSD sufferers and yet have PTSD.

At first when my trauma psych returned the results of the PTSD assessment tools I completed she said "When I met you I thought 'no way does this woman have PTSD, she's FINE!' then I saw your scores and yeah you really do!" then she said "You mask it very well, I want to know all the strategies you've used" lol.... watch that space, she'll be publishing my 4 pages of them lol.

I'd used some for over 50y, since childhood.

When things make sense to you, you get it then settle... then research lol then settle a tad more but then RESEARCH again. Same.

All on a journey.

Mozzies in my room so I couldn't sleep!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey golden

"Just letting you all know I read along and get so so much out of your threads"
and here lieth the MAGIC of the forums!

Thankyou golden. You saying that makes this all the more worth sharing. I KNOW FOR SURE YOU will be thrashing your OWN path out and making headway. Watch your space lol.

THANKYOU Sophie_Ms!

"I am a long way behind you all"

interrupt THAT thought.... I can SEE how you are opening up more and more on the forums golden. I can SEE you already beginning to heal!

It's SO OBVIOUS to me!

Even the points you mentioned in the Craft Circle!
And in the self-care thread!

Now Blue's Minimalism thread - heck yeah you go girl! lol!

You are spending more time in the WELLBEING sections and that shines to me like a BLINDING LIGHT that you are beginning to HEAL.

Hey look back, you've already started. Don't argue with me lol... it's your ecomama talking LOL!

No seriously, WHEN is a good time to start healing?
Now's a good time. But you've already started.

About the Counselling, it took a few no goers to find an Angel for me. I found her thru Unifam which is now Baptist Care.

I took me a LONG time to even bother trying to trust a Counsellor. Esp after what I saw written in Court docs by a psych which was absolute garbage (don't worry I brought her to tears when I updated her, she apologised no end grr).

There are KEYS to healing.
Perseverance being one.

I ditched my Counsellor twice before I stuck with her... I stopped then went back on repeat.
Then slowly I began to trust her. She showed ME that she was trustWORTHY.

And yes I developed a strong professional relationship with her. I think it's been 6y or so now.

I've told her things that I've barely told a soul. She's the reason I COULD tell her. She cared enough to ASK then cared enough to LISTEN then cared enough to show EMPATHY and cared enough to show me there was a way THROUGH this mire.

She's the reason I had HOPE (along with my faith ofcourse lol).

I wish the same MH support person for you all.

There will always be someone worse off than us and someone better off than us.
It makes no difference.

Our own journey is all that matters.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Golden,

I appreciate you telling us our threads are helping you. Gives one a good perspective on the value of relating our stories and the things we do to get well and stay well.

I'd say with healing, with minimalism, with anything, we all have to start somewhere. Sometimes we backslide even and have to work back up to a previous milestone. And that's all okay. EM is right, you're on your way and beginning to heal, you know what resources are useful and have a reference list for what you want to look up when you need inspiration, and that is great. Keep up the good work. 🙂

Again, very glad we are able to help. There's been no easy journey here, I think knowing our experience comes with learning for others is great - professionals only know so much, living it is a heck of a teacher! By all means share any of your own stuff or ask questions if/when you wish to (no pressure).

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

A social worker is a start. Sorry to hear your appointment got pushed back like that, it really isn't helpful. Did you mean your mum or the social worker was rude? If your mum, maybe look at getting some independent communication channels happening. If the social worker, maybe look for a new one, a rude social worker who randomly ditches your appointments is no good to you.

My counselling service isn't free, it's a job and a half to get that since I'm working not on a government benefit, so consistent support has been a long time in coming for me. Depending on your income situation you may be able to get counselling through something like Anglicare or Salvos, a bit of a look online could link you up to something, I don't know the services in your area of course.

Sorry to hear Mindspot were so unhelpful, the last thing you need is some idiot on the phone arguing you don't suffer from something you've been diagnosed with. Our mental health care system has a lot to answer for, I hear far too many stories like yours. It can be worth persevering though, eventually we find someone we click with and who is actually helpful, though I know it can be a hard slog to get there.

Wishing you luck in finding a good counsellor, definitely recommend local churches and things, they often have services like that (that don't actually push religion on you if you're not a believer).

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Thank you kindly.

Yeah, it is. Can't say I've had a lot of it, over the years. I know what you mean about it seeming unnatural to say those things aloud, it's pretty weird, isn't it? Great that you have that relationship with your daughter, sounds like she's a sweet kid.

I'm not that far behind you, J*, I'm in my 40s. Some days I feel like a 5-y/o, some days I feel 100. Age is just a number, after a certain point of basic milestones, we all develop at such different paces.

I see your perspective. There is of course enough care there to keep the communication going, a form of investment. It's not the classic definition of empathy, but related on some level.

Yeah, sounds like CBT to me. I haven't any real background with it, as mentioned I've had a less than great history with the mental health system so I know the terms but am still learning the nitty-gritty. We'll see what she has to say in our next session.

I do think it would be a good fit for me, thinker that I am. I'm always willing to analyse and challenge my thoughts, but I admit a little guidance on the how wouldn't go astray, I've been trying to work it out on my own with wonky tools for too long, since the system has consistently wanted money I just didn't have to get anything out of it. Honestly, I still don't have it to spare, but I push ahead because what else option do I have?

Sounds like your husband could do with analysing his thoughts a bit and getting them in perspective, it must be exhausting for him to be like that, and for you, too.

Glad the visit with your mother wasn't too hard on you. Do you mean it's your mother who doesn't want your support? Mine is like that too, and boy could she use it, but she sees any idea of help as interference and would rather rot in her mess. You can't force someone to take help if they don't want it, don't waste your guilt. Ultimately it's their own decision and they have to live with the result of it. I'm afraid Covey's paradigm is lost on me, I haven't read the book myself. Light contact sounds fair. Minimise any unhelpful influence.

An interesting observation. Now you mention it, I guess I'm a bit like my own dad in that way, as well. I try to cultivate a more well-rounded personality though, that includes being mindful of the needs and sensibilities of others (basically the "do unto others" rule). Can't all be about my immediate interests/expertise, though reining that in can be a job sometimes.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's a fair question I think, haha. I like your son's philosophy. We learn a lot about what not to do from people like your ex.

I agree CBT should be a good fit. Still plenty of work, no doubt, but thought and analysis are where I specialise. Pulling at threads, unpacking things, reconstructing and rewiring. The things that work for me.

I like your perspective on PTSD as being on a spectrum. I hadn't really looked at it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. You said "another may have more "manageable" symptoms and carry on working and appear to be "fine" to the outside world", and that's me all over. I'm dealing with a system that doesn't take you seriously when you appear to function despite how bloody difficult it is to do so. If they have an excuse not to help, they'll jump all over it and that's what has hampered me so heavily in trying to get any support. That perspective has in turn carried over into the "you don't matter" message, worsening the underlying problem, and also reinforcing the sense that I couldn't possibly have something like PTSD. I honestly never would have suspected anything like it, if not for your offhand comment about talking to 1800RESPECT. That was a whole chain reaction. They're for trauma, I thought. What's that got to do with me? I wonder sometimes about how I can be so smart and still miss something like that for so long. But as you say, not exactly a textbook case, so under the radar it goes. Urgh.

Interesting, your experience with your trauma psych. Those of us who don't get the help we need work out our own strategies, I guess I'm in that bucket too. Not 50 years worth, more like 40, but there you go. Totally with you on the understanding, settling, researching, settling, more researching... we've tackled things in very similar ways with our analytical minds and willingness to learn. It has served us well and will continue to do so.

Stupid mozzies, who invited them?

Blue.