Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

OH SERIOUSLY J*???

Wow, your professional life will ZOOM now.

I attribute that BEAUTIFUL man, Stephen Covey, for my escalation in my career really quickly!
I got 4 promotions in 18 months... actually was head hunted for 2 of them.

Blew me out of the water lol.

But after all that and working for the Federal Govt, I thought about what was MORE important to me than my career. My children.

I'm really happy now where I'm working. Still issues but my job is ABOUT resolving issues lol!

THAT BOOK IS AMAZING. Life changing.

(And he wrote one for Families too! Later maybe...).

Congratulations and watch out world lol.

I must find mine now and have a revise. ;-))

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Haha, interesting. I haven't heard about the 3% rule, but it makes sense. Maybe it sounds arrogant - honestly, if it fits, I'm fine with sounding arrogant. My observation of people, be it family, friends, peers, co-workers - they bear out that rule pretty conclusively. Of course that's a small sample, by no means a fit scientific study, but I have a sneaking suspicion there's a wealth of gathered evidence to support it (no, not confirmation bias at all, haha).

I forget where your "Muriel" quote came from, something I haven't watched, but it registered with me. 🙂

Yeah, I don't expect closure to be easy, but never let it be said I shy away from hard work. Grumble and pull cranky faces at it, maybe, but I'll get my hands dirty and get on with it.

That gut instinct rings true for me, at least with psycho ex. Not so much confusion, more shellshock when he really showed his true colours, he worked out to be even dodgier than I suspected. The other ex blindsided me completely because even he didn't know he was the sort of revolting person who would be unfaithful, he believed he wasn't. That's a whole different story.

Interesting what happened with your friend, though I'm a bit hazy on which one of you the common friends when NC on. Anyway, glad you recognised the unhealthy behaviours in that person and legged it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I do think maybe I could do with some individual support, my situation is I think relatively uncommon or at least not well known to me, as most of the trauma I see around me seems to be of a more acute variety. There is some unravelling to do. It is unfortunate your psych became unhelpful, I wonder how she managed to do such a U-turn. Clearly your counsellor wasn't too impressed either.

You seem pretty excited about Stephen Covey, EM. I hate my job with a passion and certainly don't want to go further in it. But if you got head hunted for promotions, maybe he has ideas about how to get somewhere better. Hm. Can't say there isn't a smidgen of curiosity there.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Well, thank you. I appreciate the compliment. It does sound like I'm a bit of a conundrum to you. To give you some insight into my nature, however revolting the experience, I am always analysing. The pondering and any wisdom I may have gleaned from my delightful life come from there - I will pick everything apart. If I can't get a good relationship out of a relationship, then dammit, I'll learn something. I do not like to walk away cowed or empty handed; not this little black duck!

You mentioned empathy, when describing me. I am actually fairly low on empathy - that is to say, I tend not to feel the emotions of others with them (or for them). What I do is link what is being said to me to experience or knowledge I relate to and delve in with an intellectual enthusiasm for analysis and learning. Encouraging is easy, I'd rather be a force for positive change than negative or neutral, if possible - I have a policy of trying to leave a room (or forum) better than I found it.

I smiled at this: "I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it’s ok, you are loved, you are worthy. Even whilst you are assuring me that you know this. Like really KNOW this!" I do know this, but I appreciate your words. There is always value in reassurance from others when it's positive acknowledgement from others that I've had problems with, not seeing worth in myself. Again, thank you.

I agree with you about closure. It isn't cut and dried, is it? I'm not sure these things are ever really closed. Or it's like a door with a big gap at the bottom - stuff leaks through. Not pleasant.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you manage with contact with your family? Is there any positive in it, or does it confound or trigger you? Do they still behave the same? I guess if you're making excuses not to see them it's probably not that much fun when you do. (No pressure to answer any of that.)

Yeah, my sister and I are pretty different animals. She's actually older, both my siblings are. I'm not sure age has much to do with it, we are different by nature. If you're interested in the personality type stuff, I'm happy to talk at length about it (in fact, hard to shut me up when I'm in the zone, haha).

Glad EM's book suggestion has hit the spot with you. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

The quote is from "Muriel's Wedding" lol and I love using "Tell 'im eees dreamin'!" from "The Castle".
My American BF was not a dot interested in ANYTHING Australian until he met me.
Then he watched quite a few of our ridiculous but iconic movies and we laugh alot when we use these sayings - and a few American ones too.

Yes my Counsellor is from America but she's been living here for 35y. I guess that makes her a local now lol and that's our Council's ruling here about bins. Yours and my favourite thing to talk about lol! Mine anyway!

Oh no I DIDN'T mix with the neighbours I was BANNED from talking to them by demon.
That gave him the perfect opp to get those 2 lots on side and try with all the others.... you see it was planning the whole shebang since before it even met me.

6 others in our street I either knew from my school days or my eldest children's school days.
So he didn't have a chance there. They were only acquaintances to me really. But still they knew enough about me to shut demon down.

Nope.
I steer clear of neighbours lol!

I just laugh that they think they're all toffee nosed bec they live here lol!!!
Everyone smells the same lol... if you get my drift. Some ppl just really stink.

Stephen Covey was amazing. His books changed my life.

He has an AMAZING online clip showing the difference between "Personality VS Character" using an ice berg visual. Awesome.

I'm glad the 3%er Rule was passed by you lol... it's pretty horrible when you test it! hahaha... I dare barely ever SHARE it, so you're one of the very few in my life I've done so with!
It goes on and on and on every single place you look.

My BF works with some extremely intelligent ppl, being engineers all around him, and he's SO SWEET that he never puts anyone down. He always says I'm being too harsh lol!! But ehen even HE has a conundrum where they fly him out after all these ppl worked on an instrument and couldn't fix it.
I say "Oh they're sending the BIG gun out now" lol. He's embarrassed by this comment but it's true. So even in his field there's a 97% / 3% ratio happening.

I guess there always HAS to be.

I try to use that Rule to instil PATIENCE in my children with others.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hey everyone, just popping in to say hello since I haven't been on this thread and others for a bit. My apologies for that, I've just been dealing with my own things. But I'll always care and do my best to support everyone on the forums.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Ah yes, that's it. The Castle I have seen - it hadn't got past me that you quote it from time to time, hehe. It's good you have that with your partner, it's fun exploring each other's cultures. Have you seen Hercules Returns? It's an Australian dubbed Herc film done in the 90s. Very low brow and full of swears, but you like Man Down, so I think it might be up your alley. 😉 Funny as.

Ah, okay, didn't know she was an expat. I actually have an American counsellor too, but she's in America, we talk online. Pretty happy with her so far, she's got a good approach.

Ah, I see. Classic isolating behaviours from an abuser. They stick out like a sore thumb. Glad the prior acquaintanceship with most of your neighbours was enough to circumvent the worst of that in your street.

Fair. I've had some good neighbours, lady across the road brings my bins in sometimes - I told her I don't mind but I know she has bigger priorities, so don't worry too much about it if I'm a day late doing it myself, I'll get there eventually, haha. As for the toffs you mentioned, it make no sense to me either. You're quite right.

Hm, might have to have a goosie at that clip some time. I'm sure you can tell I have something of an interest in the makings of personality.

I agree about the 3% rule. It's ugly, in practice. Even not knowing about it, I have seen far too much supporting evidence! It's quite galling watching people bumble about their lives with so little competence. How are they even alive? I try and look for redeeming characteristics, but still can't help rolling my eyes at all the stupid around me. Good luck instilling patience in your offspring, seeing the 3% rule in motion does the opposite of giving me patience more often than not. Sounds like your partner is more patient than I am, that's for sure. My partner's dad is in a similar job position and notes the same thing, he's the "big gun" at work too (and not madly humble about it).

On a different note, my counsellor tonight said she thinks behavioural therapy may be more effective for me than exposure therapy as I'm not blindsided by my triggers, know exactly where they come from, and have a process for dealing with them in my own way that works for me. Don't know what that entails yet, we ran out of time. Sigh. Watch this space, I guess.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

No need to apologise, I don't think any of us can keep up all the time - we're here because we have our own stuff to deal with, and each manage at our own pace with everything else. Always appreciate you stopping in. How are you holding up?

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks for that Blues, I appreciate it. Same for all of you here.

I'm ok, just having difficulty with finding a Psychologist. I don't even like seeing them because I get triggered due to having to bring stuff up, other traumatic experiences i've had, etc.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

No problem, Tayla.

I understand. Do you have a counsellor, or would you consider that? I and many others here have had better success with counsellors than psychologists. They often have a gentler and more understanding approach. I work online with my counsellor, and find it much easier to manage than doing it face-to-face, too. Might be a safer space for you, with the ability to end the session and not be in public if it gets too much.

Blue.

[golden82]

Dear Blue, EM and J*,

Just letting you all know I read along and get so so much out of your threads (each of the respective and related threads)..including those in the staying well - eg minimalism - I wish, I have become not only cluttered in my mind but my surroundings too. Anyway I think you are all leading the way and I am learning so much more from you all than any medical specialist or book. I am a long way behind you all, with my eyes hurting even trying to read and unable to focus. But I do it bit by bit and know it will always be here to read as hopefully I start to heal. I just want to thank you ladies and admire your strides to where you are at. It gives me hope. Thank you 🙂