PTSD - The returned soldiers maledy in men and women of modern society

[Just Sara]

Many people don't understand the concept of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it's symptoms. It's not only experiencing trauma, it's the waiting and not knowing if it will happen again; waiting for the next bullet, bomb, enemy or orders to advance into a deathly situation. It's the waiting...to die or watch your mate perish.

When veterans return home, peaceful existences don't make sense to the brain or biochemistry of the body, caused from living on adrenaline and cortisol for days, weeks or months at a time...hyper-vigilant with little sleep and rest.

This same concept goes for civilians who've survived trauma. No matter what sex, age, race, religion or culture; waiting for bad things to happen again presents itself as anxiety, depression, panic, violence, victimisation and the list goes on.

My PTSD story evolved from generations of abuse and dysfunctional parenting, and the secrets we/they kept. Unable to talk about it and even worse, seeing it as normal.

Does your story resonate?

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy

Thank you for posting about this topic. I think many people believe PTSD only applies to those in the armed services, or possibly to those in emergency services. The idea that this happens to otherwise 'ordinary' people with the same effect as on soldiers seems unbelievable. And yes you are correct. Trauma is trauma, no matter where or how it happens. And repeated trauma leads to the hyper-vigilance and mental illness you describe.

It can also pass down generations of families as abused children often become abusive parents. Not because they want to be this way but because they know no other way of living. It is "normal". And the saddest outcome is that no one pays a great deal attention, least of all the people concerned because it's "normal".

I do not have the same story as you. No generations of abuse. I have been told I have PTSD arising from an abusive marriage but not in such an horrendous degree as you describe above.

Happy to talk further with you.

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Hi Dizzy,

Yes I can relate.  My husband of 18 years is a returned Vietnam serviceman and was diagnosed with PTSD about 10 years ago.  Like many others, I have always been of the mistaken belief that it is purely an ailment of war service and emergency service personel.  That it just doesnt apply to normal everyday people like myself.  

When I started experiencing all the symptoms that you described above (fear, panic, hypervigilance, extreme anxiety, etc, etc) after suffering a highly traumatic experience 20 years ago, I just thought I was being stupid or neurotic.  After suffering for 19 years and never speaking to anybody about either the traumatic event or the symptoms themselves, I finally spoke of it to a psychologist who diagnosed PTSD.  Now after doing my research and reading more about it, I very clearly fit the bill.  And I know now that anybody can suffer from ptsd.

So my story is similar in a way to yours, in that a secret was kept and events never spoken about.  But for me it was as a result of a single incident, rather than prolonged abuse.  I guess you would be classified as suffering from Complex PTSD?

I am sorry you have suffered in the way that you have.  It must be horrendous to go through that sort of thing as a child.  And it has lifelong consequences for child survivors of trauma.  I simply cannot begin to imagine.

I dont recall reading any other threads of yours, so apologies if I am rehashing old material here - How are you going now?  Have you learned coping techniques that work for you, and if so, what are they? What treatment, if any, have you had for your ptsd?  

I am interested because last year I went through Exposure Therapy and CBT.  But I will be having further treatment again soon, with my psych wanting to try EMDR therapy.  She's not happy with the results so far from the ET and CBT, and thinks EMDR could be more effective for me personally.  I know very little about EMDR therapy, but what I have read has been very mixed in its assessment of its effectiveness.  

PTSD is definitely not restricted to military or emergency service personnel.  And I agree with you that this fact has often been overlooked in the past.  However I have found that in the past year or so there has been a lot about it in the news and current affairs.  I believe that this is slowly leading to a greater understanding of the condition, and this is a very good thing.

Sherie xx

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Sherrie and White Rose;

I've only been diagnosed recently by a psychiatrist as Acute PTSD and this drove me to research and relate it to me personally. My psychologist mentioned it in a report she did involving workplace bullying a while ago but we never spoke of it.

I'm someone who needs to find the answer to my specific triggers; I've had so many trauma's throughout my life. Only yesterday I hit on the patterns that bring to light one place that connects all the events in my 56 yrs. That's my bed. I've had insomnia for 25 yrs and have relied on drugs to address 'symptoms' but not the cause.

1. I was raped at 11 by my father while I slept in my bed.

2. I was violently raped by the love of my life in our bed at 21.

3. My son suffered horrible night terrors for 2 yrs while I slept. (Between 3 and 5 y/o) I would run to his bedside to hold him until he calmed. He'd been sexually abused as a 2 y/o. I'd caught my dear friend abusing him and that night as my son lay in bed with me, I witnessed the most terrified look on his face and felt more helpless than I have in my life.

Knowing about the connection to all these events is important. What to do about it is another thing. I'm on a waiting list to see my psychologist to discuss. As I stated above, it's the waiting. No woman should have to deal with seeing their little boy go through such horrible things, but having to run to his side each night after being woken with a fright, I now understand took it's toll. As I said in another thread, sometimes mothers have to wait until it's quiet to go away and fall apart in private. I never did with this issue. My bed had become a place of fear and trepidation. I just never connected the dots.

Number 1 on my list meant I waited each night until I left home at 17. Six years of waiting for the 'ghost' who defiled me. Humans are so resilient. I'm still here. Yesterday I revisited some suicidal inclinations, but only as my own witness. I forgave myself for feeling that way; it's no wonder!

I hope my story can help others to identify their own 'waiting' and PTSD. I didn't live through war; I lived through and am still living through my own war in my head. Self awareness is half the battle. The next is healing.

hugs...Dizzy xo

[Guest_5218]

Hi  there Dizzy,

I felt immense sorry upon reading all that you have gone through.  Nobody should have to go through all that!  And it is a testiment to your strength and resillience that you are here now, with such a great attitude to learning all about PTSD and setting yourself on the road to recovery.  I hope you dont have to wait too long before getting in to see a psychologist.  A matter of interest is that we are both 56 years old.

It sounds like your self awareness is strong, and if thats half the battle, then you're home and hosed!

Please keep in touch Dizzy and let us all know how everything goes with your upcoming therapy and recovery. Your experiences will be so beneficial to other people coming through the Forums, and thankyou for sharing.

Hugs to you too

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy

Thank you telling us more about your life. I am sorry you had to face this horribleness, and do so on your own by the sound of it. Connecting the dots is a good start, though I imagine it was quite a shock when you realised. So how do you avoid these feelings etc when you go to bed each night? Is there some way you can make your bed feel different? Can you use special sheets and pillows, and perhaps cushions, to make your bed a very different place. Make it into your bower, perhaps even buy a different type of bed, an electric one for example, that allows you to be propped up to read or having a morning cuppa. Somewhere you want to be and feel safe and comfortable using. Just a thought.

I hope you do have to wait long to see a psychologist. Is this the only one available or is he/she really good and worth waiting for? The relationship will take a while to fit before you can do some serious work.

Please keep writing here. I hope you are going well.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Mary and Sherie for caring responses and your own stories.

Since I last posted much has happened on pondering my PTSD. I did some historical searches for my patterns and found PTSD symptoms going right back into my childhood. The result was 'grief'. I grieved for myself and the lack of acknowledgement of my pain, and acceptance of how normal my responses were to trauma and post trauma. I'd always tried to ask why and got caught up with blame and fault which steered me away from helplessness and its normality. Even more damaging was my habit of taking responsibility off others and trying to rationalise my part, not as a victim, but as someone who could've done something to avoid or stop it; so self destructive.

I allowed myself to feel grief for as long as it took and also to stop the guilt of taking time out to fall apart. I deserved it. The tears have subsided and soggy tissues line my bin, but yesterday I saw 3 huge, full rainbows among the rain and clouds. A welcome and positive symbol of my courage and determination, and the prospect of fewer triggers and pain.

I accept I may always feel some sense of PTSD in my life, but self knowledge and letting go is the path to peace. Inside me is where it's always been; I was looking in the wrong direction all that time.

I still feel the fear in my body; adrenaline in my chest and mouth. The cause is known, and how I find a way to cope may be some time to come. But I'm hopeful because I've come so far and learnt so much.

Sending peace out to all...Dizzy xo

[Guest_5218]

Hi Dizzy, thanks for the update.  It sounds like you have been on somewhat of a tour of self discovery.

I am glad that everything is now starting to make sense to you.  I might also add, and you'd know from your own research, that self blame is a very common thing with ptsd and these situations.  It is good that you no longer appear to blame yourself for these terrible things that have happened to you.  You were an innocent victim to a series of crimes.  It took a series of CBT treatment and Exposure Therapy for me to realise the same thing.  So good on your for seeing 'the truth' on your own.

Yes it is likely that you will forever be affected to some extent by these past traumas, but to be able to accept, move on and be at peace with yourself are vital accomplishments in enabling your future happiness.

Your courage and determination to overcome these hardships are an inspiration to me and, I'm sure, to others.

Love and peace to you also Dizzy,

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Dizzy

Wow! What an enormous insight. Congratulations. That is a fantastic thing to happen.

Acceptance really is the key to recovery. Not a passive acceptance or one that blames yourself, but acceptance that helps you understand and move on. I am proud of you, which probably sounds strange as we have never met. I am always proud of those who write in here and who achieve so much.

As you say, learning to cope is the next major step. This is my ambition. I have recently realised my problem is not depression, which is an outcome of other factors, but an anxiety that completely overwhelms me. Now I know what is happening I can move on to coping.

I think we probably both have a long journey ahead of us but I believe we will get to peace and comfort with ourselves.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Good morning ladies;

I am so grateful for the support and encouragement of other survivors who also have such tumultuous lives. Internal conflict and fear is something one can't describe to those who've never experienced it. These people try so hard to make me feel better and I see the helplessness in their eyes as they use terms such as; "It'll be alright, you'll see" or "You need to be tougher than that, be like me; I can get through anything"

From their perspective, all they see is a person falling to pieces without a reason why. It's the 'why's' that confuse people. If there's no tangible reason in front of me, why would I be like that? To educate my loved ones means I have to be completely self aware and understand my own responses. Due to this only being a recent occurrence, their past confusion was also my own.

Even self awareness isn't really enough to help them understand, especially when they all have played some part in my historical patterns of abuse.

So to have people who 'get me' close by is such a relief. I learn not only from you all, but have feedback that says my words are also helpful. This is really important for self value and worth.

Congrat's to us all for our courage to go within and face our demons. And; not only survive, but thrive.

Thankyou for being there/here...Much admiration...Dizzy xo