PTSD from caring for mum

[David35]

The last few years my mum, 78, had bladder cancer treatment which worked. She's now in remission.  But in that time, I (47) have grown to despise certain parts of her. It's like her medical issues and personality got all jumbled up. I hated the illness, but i didnt hate mum. For a long time everything was a crisis with mum, at least in her own mind. Over time I got burnt out. I would regularly just drive off to go for a walk to get away from her constant fears, worries, nagging. The problem is now whenever I get phone calls from her, I blow up. Today I went down the shops, a drive I find peaceful but being interrupted by her calls just made me fly into a temper tantrurm. I get that I'm her carer, support system, but sometimes I just need some space. 

How do I stop over reacting this way? It hurts her, it's shameful. I have a woodworking hobby as an outlet. But this incessant checking up on me all the time drives me nuts. Mum suffers with anxiety, but how can I stop blowing up from something so trivial?

[Croix]

Dear David~

Welcome back. You have talked of all that you have had to face in the past, the death of your father, caring for your mum with cancer, your mum being a person who can be very difficult, a brother who is too selfish to put up with and other problems too.

All these add up, and it is not realy surprising how you react when your mum contacts you when driving -there must seem to be no escape.

As your mother's official carer you are entitled to periods of respite, where she may go to somewhere else for a while, or you might if you wish. Respite is designed to stop carers being overwhelmed and driven too hard and giving them a break.

Have you considered this?

Croix

[David35]

I think carer gateway offer it. But I know mum would be a mess. Even when I had a medical procedure the other day, she contacted me 5 times... in hospital before I got back from procedure. Im getting out more with friends and neighbours for coffee and catchup. That seems to help. You're right. Wen you put it like that. I have been through a lot. And lived with them while it was happening. Much of it unsupported by family friends or family itself. Thanks.

[WishyBee]

Hi David35,

What an excellent son you are, your mother is very fortunate to have you. 
I see your situation from a few perspectives. I am a Mother of sons, I am also a carer , and I am similar in age to you with a mother from the same generation as your mother. 
Your feelings are valid and it is importance you take time out for yourself, you have a right to feel upset if someone or something is impeding your self care.

As a mother I would never want my son to feel burdened by my anxiety, I also would want my son to express his frustrations towards me without him feeling shame or guilt. 
As a carer you must find some respite, take some time away from your mother, find something you enjoy doing and lean on family and friends for support, you are entitled to your own life.

As a fellow generation X - sometimes our parents need reminding of boundaries, we should be shown respect and gratitude (we earned it being self reliant children), it’s not about them and their issues all the time, a relationship is a two way street we are allowed to have feelings too. 
I’m here to listen and support 

WishyBee

[David35]

WishyBee,

Thanks. Mum's been very supportive of a woodworking hobby I have, building wooden kids furniture,e tc.

[Croix]

Dear David~

The purpose of respite is to give both your mum and you a clean break allowing all the stresses and worries to be reduced. It may be true your mum may try to contact you umpteen times and fret if you are not available, however if you look at it from a distance you may see it is better for her to fret in your absence than for you to be so burnt out you simply cannot look after her at all.

Whoever does the respite, a carer or an institution, part of their  job is to try to comfort and have great  regard for your mother's well-being.

Although you have a very loving and generous nature you are not a bottomless well of strenght, love and  and empahty, you to need to be looked after (even if only by yourself) and have a chance on a regular basis to recharge.

My partner and I tried looking after my mother in law, but it was too much for even too motivated people.

If you have the correct powers of attorney you need not worry about your brother sneaking in to gain financial advantage.

Croix

[David35]

Thanks, we've removed him altogether.

[Croix]

Dear David~

Sounds very sensible. Please do consider the idea of regular respite, people (including my partner and myself) tend not to realize how badly they need it

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

I empathise as I went through a lot of challenges caring for my mum. I can relate to what Croix says about not realising how much respite is needed. I didn't get any break and was mum's sole carer and it took a massive toll.

What I have learned in the last couple of years is how getting away from all that is familiar, even for a few days, can make a world of difference. It actually can really change how you feel and bring new perspectives to your situation too. By just letting go of responsibilities and focussing on doing some things for yourself, often new ways of seeing and dealing with a situation emerge on their own too. It's like it can become easier to deal with challenges when you give yourself permission to have a break from them.

Perhaps there is somewhere you would like to go for a holiday, just to have that change of scene and fill your life with something different for a while? 

Take good care,
ER