PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[Croix]

Dear LouiseM23~

Welcome here to the Forum, as you have seen many people are here and their combined experience can be a real help.

Please forgive me for an assumption, I'm assuming CSO is Child Safety Officer or some similar role. If I'm wrong I apologize, however it does seem to fit your account.

I'd imagine you are a very good one, with empathy and experience, but have been working in an environment that has not supported you - quite the reverse. As the person dealing with the clients and situations it is not just a matter of personal strenght, or judgment.

An awful lot of people in this type of work dig too deep into their reserves driven by compassion, by being the only resource, by .. well you know the rest.

To work effectively long term there has to be a support structure there - a competent one to support you, one that has been there too, knows what it is about, the traps and how one can be affected -I believe cumulatively.

Your team leader was terrible, and not only made you remain in a situation that has been highly dangerous for you -regardless of the consequence, but did not seem interested in improvement for the future either. "Another one bites the dust" -next please.

Inside you are still the competent person you were, but expecting to be able to bring that out in your next similar role was probably hasty. It took me a long while to get my past under control, and I did not have an abusive childhood to contend with.

A change of job after a long time off, medication and therapy via a couple of long term psychiatrists and several short term psychologists have changed me out of sight. I was invalided out of my occupation suicidal and incapable of anything. Now I lead a productive and happy life wiht love and accomplishment.

I am very glad you are seeking help. My big mistake was to just keep on going until I was incapable. Your mind has not failed, it is still you. Your team leader, administration and the cumulative effect of your experiences have given it to much to cope with - for now. I did not even know if I could love, why I was angry/crying, why it was all happening - I was divorced from myself. Now all is back.

Yes there are bad days -and nights, no hiding it, over time they reduce in frequency and in severity too. I can now look at thngs I'd put completely out of my mind for years, and can do so safely. You will unmask the real you again, never fear.

I've said quite enough for now, I really hope you come and talk some more

Croix

[Tillie]

Hi Recuperandi.

My adult son is 3 yrs in the police force. He has been 'investigated' twice. The last one over statistics around what constitutes a search brought against him by a team member who had held the record prior. That one was 18 months ago without any closure despite numerous requests from him to the union and the Integrity Unit. He hates the job so much, more so because of the way he is unsupported. Both investigations he has been left hanging for longer than policy stated. Both times he was transferred apparently temporarily; the first time he had to work in the cells for 4 months, 12 hours a shift...it was like punishment before anything was proven. He says due to this investigation he can't go on courses, one cancelled off him when the investigation started and any applications to transfer go on deaf ears. He has no mental energy to look outside the force because anything costs money to up skill to. He has a mortgage. He is angry, depressed, lacks motivation. I am a trained counselor and I can't counsel my own son. He doesn't believe in all that stuff. He said last night that each suicide he attends he files that method away for someday....and on the other hand he says suicide is for cowards. He said if he did go to a psyche, management would use it against him and make it even harder to apply up the ladder. He said he knows of many cops who are grappling in the same way; they won't get help because they will be labelled unbalanced and dangerous. I make a point to hear him out when he does talk about work and don't shrink from the details if he shares...even images. To my knowledge he doesn't have any negative coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs, he has started smoking again since joining. He sees nothing bright and is stuck in every way. Even if he finally does get a response to this latest thing he is so beaten down by the politics and angst he no longer has the desire to be exemplary because that entails not being invisible which he believes is the only way to survive. Do you have any words for me (and him) please?

[Croix]

Dear Tillie~

I'm sorry for your son and you, you are both in impossible situations.

I can't give you specific advice on his future, and if I did you would then have to convince your son, which at the moment does not sound doable. As the job effected me more and more over time the things I believed in became less and less (and that included hope).

The easy bit first: You, as a trained counselor know that you are vulnerable in this situation, so you need support yourself. It will help neither yourself or your son if you start to become ill due to the worry and stress. And yes I'd imagine that worry, apart from powerlessness and frustration with the force, includes wondering if your son might contemplate suicide.

You as de-facto counselor to your son is probably not a good idea anyway - yes I realise he has no faith in the psychology system however help is needed.

I too before I experienced it for myself would have said much as your son on suicide, and I too, from various sources, noted methods, which I later tried to use.

I left matters far too long, believing firstly that the most everything was due my shortcomings and secondly I had no choice. Yes I'm familiar with the decision over seeking help vs career. When faced with 2 impossible choices suicide can become an option -at least it was for me.

I actually had no choice, thing got so bad I was invalided out, which I think, apart from the illness involved, is worse than simply walking away.

When I joined like your son I excelled, I was young, enthusiastic and idealistic. The force became my life, identity, purpose and standing, as well as a financial base.

I was declared to be permanently unfit to work, and that with leaving the force was a huge blow, both psychologically and practically

It took me a long time and permanent treatment, however I did find another life - something I'd not have believed possible whilst still in the job.

I have no idea what will happen concerning the current complaints, and even if they are found to be groundless I'd imagine your son would be ever on guard against repetition. Can your son find an ally in the job, someone more senior who is sympathetic and practical? Legal action might seal off any prospects of advancement.

Would he consider walking away? The force in question sounds less than professional

Does your son have support at home -a partner perhaps? Mine was an absolute strong angel.

I guess the trick is to try to reduce pressure on your son

Croix

[Tillie]

Thank you Croix,

Everything you wrote makes absolute sense. I am glad I found you. To answer your questions. Yes he has a great partner, although having not the same world view, can't know exactly how his mind ticks, so she gets frustrated with him. I have suggested he see a 'police informed' lawyer even just so he knows concrete options, rather than his perception of things. Of course there is always the real chance of no advancement if he goes ahead, but really there appears to be no chance at the moment anyway.

I have a gut feeling he is being singled out either by someone who has it in for him...someone with past connections somehow maybe. An old girlfriend has an aunt who used to work in the admin of the LAC his troubles started in. He can apply for courses and transfers...but while he is investigated he is in limbo because other applicants are accepted ahead of him. Remember the days when employees were given the 'window seat' when they hadn't done anything sackable but it was a way of forcing them to resign?

In my work place my supervisor is an ex cop from another state. She has extended an offer of help for him to articulate a request for finalizing, without it going legal. She said she feels there is a cover up and acknowledges that it is not acceptable.

Meanwhile his partner said he can't even order new uniforms (which are developing holes) because he doesn't want to be seen, and while the investigation is on he can't even turn up at his old station to collect a new one. He thinks uniforms come out of each LAC budget, so he doesn't belong in one, where he is working and he isn't allowed to belong in the other one.

Me? This is but one of my two biggest worries as my stepson has stage 4 bowel cancer. I am seeing a psyche now which has been great and my migraines have all but gone 🙂

Thanks again

[Croix]

Dear Tillie~

I'm sorry about your step-son, in some ways that problem is closer to life than your son's troubles. I'm not belittling them, just looking at them from the point of view of someone who found there was another life after police (which I doubt he will believe).

Gong to a lawyer will in all probability give him correct but combative advice, he does not need an adversarial situation unless the charges are criminal.

For all you know it could be resentment because he works too hard or efficiently. Your supervisor sounds well worth his getting in touch with, failing that a 'rabbi'.( Old term for a patron/mentor) maybe in the association.

Things can blow over wiht a little help, or one finds a niche in the force that suits. There is too little known to make any predictions.

You would not expect his partner to have the same world-view (unless she was other cop too). Different worlds, or at least that is how it has been in my case.

I'm very pleased you are seeing a psych and the headaches are gone (you will have to tell me your secret:)

Please let me know how things get on

Croix

.

[Tillie]

:}

[Croix]

Dear Tillie~

I don't think I've ever had so short a reply:)

You appear to be sort of smiling, would you like to say more? I would be very interested in finding out how your and your son have got on.

Croix

[littleboots]

Hello, I'm completely new here.

In short I'm an ex police member. Ill-health retired with permanent disability - ptsd.

It's been a long time since I was retired out but I still miss the job every day... more... I grieve for the loss of my job & my career.

So much of my life was dependent on my career. My life collapsed like dominoes once my income was reduced to a pension day and not much else.

I lost friends or, maybe they weren't really friends after I left?

Family were 'disappointed' that I couldn't pull my socks up and keep going. I live under this stigma of mental health, disability cloud still? I'm doing my best to stay well.

I was in the job for almost twenty years and loved it. I haven't been able to find the same passion for anything else and I'm told I would not be able to sustain it anyway. I did try.. really hard to work at other things but ptsd jumped up and bit me.

I'm just reaching out to others here who might understand?

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

Greetings from another ex-member and welcome to the Support Forum. To post here is a mark of your deep unhappiness as well as your MH conditions, and I'd like to show you a little of my own experiences, as a means of reassuring you there is hope of a happy and fulfilling life - no matter what you have been told. I do this as I'd like to start an ongoing conversation by with that in mind.

I was struck by your sensible attitude and example of personal strength in your advice to Bee1998 - all of that is still a part of you.

Like you I was a career officer, and was invalided out a very long time ago with the usual suspects: suicidal, PTSD, bouts of depression and an ongoing anxiety condition, together with the various physical problems that they generated.

I was kindly told I was TPI (could never work again) and left with a reduced income (but full medical for treatments). So there I sat in a silent house, something that had just been a base for a busy life.

Ceasing to be a member under those circumstances is completely devastating, the loss of identity, purpose, occupation, satisfaction, friends, prestige and authority is total, and there seems nothing left.

I cannot pretend the start was easy, I have been hospitalized and even now, very many years later, am on medication and see a psychiatrist regularly, experiencing symptoms, although at a reduced and manageable level. I build my life to take into account and minimize these

My life turned around over time and now I give and receive love and support, am occupied in demanding ongoing occupations that provide structure, require effort and imagination and yield satisfaction.

I have not managed all this by myself, support, medical and personal, plus a pinch of luck have been there.

My partner after a long and very hard time with me eventually suggested study. I was indifferent, however did turn up. I took longer than usual due to concentration and memory problems, but ended up doing well and was invited to teach. I did that for a lot of years, then moved over to another similar role.

Now I've turned my my unhappy experience to advantage and use it here and elsewhere. Yes I still miss the police on occasion, however it is in there with other things, like the passing of my first wife. A chapter in a long life.

I'm not suggesting your rout to a better life needs to be like mine, just it is achievable.

I'd really like it if you came back and talked some more, said what you think.

Croix

[littleboots]

Hello again,

Thanks for responding Croix. I'm so pleased you found life after 'the job' and a new career?

I'm on my own now. I've got much to feel blessed with. But the shroud of depression and other symptoms taints everything.

Like you, I was TPI with medical benefits. But the insurer has denied more than they have ever approved. I have a psydoc who has been the most stable and consistent person in my life for almost two decades.

I'm on some very mild meds at night only. I was trialled on so many meds it makes my brain spin. Eventually due to substantial & intolerable side effects I was advised that I needed to face life without meds. I have taken some pretty big stuff that made my eyes roll back in their sockets & at times I've been hospitalised where they eventually get those into me. But that's when I've broken from being relatively stable.

I've self-isolated for many years. Generally I find 'life' way too confusing. I don't see anyone regularly or often. I have a family of high achievers but I crashed and burned and they don't know how to deal with that. They are not comfortable discussing MH so not discussed - actually actively avoided by them.

It would be nice to have some friends who can look past MH to personality. I don't wear MH on my sleeve.

I've tried to reconnect within the community... joined clubs etc., Mostly I've found that people are just so incredibly busy and though friendly - don't have the time to invest in new friendships.

At times when I'm well I want the world to slow down so I can jump back on but then when I start to deteriorate I need to get away from all of it. It's madness really and so difficult to find the right balance.

I did go back to study when I was MOPF. I've completed some tertiary studies and returned after I was retired. Unfortunately a host of personal circumstances including finances, all conspired against me.

I feel like I've run out of time now even if I could study.

I've also got a disability that complicates my ability to communicate. It's attributable to firearms training and a few other incidents during my career.

Thanks for your kindness Croix.