PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[K_M]

Thanks for sharing your stories comrades.

I'm a RN, who used to work in ED. I did some time in a small rural place where there was a run of awful kids trauma. I moved abroad to work in large tertiary hospitals, and steered clear of kids. I moved around in some management, then more recently moved into icu, and had small people of my own. Most recently, I have been suffering anxiety and depression (seemingly out of nowhere) but then started having dreams about one particular trauma all those years ago. Sometimes the dreams have my children in them. I feel like I want to leave the profession. This burden I carry is great, and I can't talk to anyone. It's all too awful for lounge room talk. The profession I once loved is breaking me. I have an appointment to see my GP, as I need some help. Being a nurse was hard, but being a nurse, then coming home to try and nurture 3 other people after long draining shifts is overwhelming.

it's nice to know I'm not alone, but I hope you all can find ways to move forward....please feel free to share them! Thanks!

[Alex2000]

First time poster. I'm in emergency services, off work at the moment, don't want to be, but know I need to be. I can't imagine doing anything else, but struggling to figure out if I can go back, if that makes sense. Have received great treatment and support. They say time heals, but how long do I give it before I have to walk away. Scared. Feel weak, feel lost.

Can you go back to something that broke you in the first place?

[MarkJT]

As a member of Victoria Police and a PTSD survivor, I just love how you all have posted here in response to Donna. The Emergency Services and the Medical industry are prime candidates for PTSD and one thing is for sure, none of you are alone in your journeys.

Support can be really hard to find so knowing that there is a whole thread here is fantastic.

Much respect to you all.

[Alex2000]

Thanks for your post MarkJT, I'm assuming you developed PTSD from the job? If so, can you tell me a bit about your recovery? Time off, treatment etc. Did you think you would have to walk away? What gave you the strength to go back? Do you think you made the right decision?

[MarkJT]

Alex2000, yes you are correct. Although i attended many scenes of deceased & trauma, it was one specific event that i attended that i significantly remember as the one that "got me". Whether or not this was the one that broke the camels back or was a singular event that caused the damage, i do not know but i do know that on that day, i knew it was different. So i was hospitalised nearly 10 years later, without self worth, a shadow of my former self.

I had about 7 weeks off work and then went back on 2 x 4 hr days then worked that up over 2.5 yrs to full time. I took my time, did it my way and only increased hours when i felt i could handle it. Did i go back to early? Possibly but i was ever so mindful that "the longer you are off, the harder it is to get back" thought so i was keen to get back, plus the evidence of getting back to work helps considerably. Whilst in hospital I did have thoughts that my policing career was done but after a few weeks I was determined to get back. If i was to leave, i wanted to leave on my terms, not PTSD's terms.

I started off with psychotherapy then underwent a course of exposure therapy. One of the more harder things i have done in my life but luckily for me, it worked and took the power out of the images that distressed and injured me. I learnt about and practised mindfulness and i love it. It is extremely important that this is used. By learning it, I was able to deliberately trigger myself (in a controlled environment with support nearby if required) so then i would also practise grounding myself. This allowed me to learn to live again. I just knew that to be able to function again, I had to learn to control my triggers because they are everywhere.

The strength to go back was drawn from i love my job and i was not going to let this get in the way. I have had to make a lot of adjustments and have controls in place but once you square that away, it can be done. I was very fortunate in that my support at work was tip top. Could not have literally been supported any better which is just so critical to recovery and the ability to move on. I have accepted that this is with me for life and its a case of bad luck, it happened, do what you have to do and move on. I can no longer do many things because it will put me in danger of a relapse, so be it. I have accepted it and moved on.

It is really easy to blame others and the like but its your life, so i took control of my life and did everything i could to get it back, which i did.

[FluffyPuppy]

Hi Alex2000, a huge congratulations for having the courage to voice what you are going through. I can really relate to your comment about not wanting to be there, but knowing you need to be.

I worked for police, in an office-based role but exposed to graphic and sensitive material all day every day, and over time I knew that things were affecting me, that my character was changing, my reactions to things were different than they used to be, and my interactions with people and relationships were worsening. I knew the job was affecting me, but unfortunately I wasn't supported in any way, and so its wonderful to hear that you are, because that can make a huge difference in your journey from here.

My new life journey started the day I walked out of work - I hit breaking point, one case that tipped me over, and I remember telling myself "If i just get to the door of the office, then the lift, then downstairs, then the front door, then the train, then home, then i will be safe. At the time, I didn't know what had happened exactly, and I don't think I thought at the time that I would never return. Once it really hit me that I could never return, I became like you - scared, lost, very weak, helpless.

Today, my journey continues. Does time heal? For some people, absolutely. But we are all different, and you should know that your journey won't be like mine or anybody else's, and that's ok. You will know as time goes by whether returning is the right thing for you. I can imagine it takes a huge amount of strength to go back, it's not something that I could do. I think your first priority now is just being ok with you, not trying to be ok for the sake of your job, and not trying to gloss over or be strong anymore because that's what is expected. There are no time limits, and you shouldn't put pressure on yourself with dates, because if you cant meet that 'deadline' there's nothing wrong with that and the last thing I'd want you to do is feel like you've failed, when what you've really done is succeed by doing what's right for you, for whatever time period that involves. You've taken a big step in even acknowledging that you are where you are today. Stay strong, and know that this is a wonderful place to talk with others who really do know what you are going through, and keep getting the help you are, as I'm sure it will help you just like its helped so many of us.

[Alex2000]

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your time in telling your stories, it really helps.

So I thought I was going along ok, on a gradual (reduced hours) return to work path (non-front line), but have had a few triggers all happen over the last couple of weeks that have really thrown me. I thought I may have been on my way to getting back to my real job, but maybe not. I'm pretty gutted to be honest.

[MarkJT]

Alex, important to realise that just because you have been thrown by a few triggers does not mean you are not still on the recovery path. Getting triggered is all part of the journey (unfortunately). Over time you will come to realise exactly what your triggers are and exactly how to handle them. Think of this as one step backwards to move two steps forward.

There were many times where i had to tactically retreat to a safe location due to being triggered and then one day, i was triggered massive at work. I decided to stay and fight it which i did successfully...subsequently went home after work and slept as was that exhausted from fighting the trigger but i did it. This will be you.

Patience and time. Don't expect to much out of yourself to soon. You brain is injured and it needs time to heal. Be kind to yourself, learn your grounding exercises and in time, you will be in a place where you will take on your triggers and then really start to move forward.

Don't be disheartened, it is all a learning process.

Cheers

Mark.

[Alex2000]

Thanks Mark.

Sound advice that I need to keep reminding myself of.

[Cornstarch]

Hey Guys,

I'm not an Emergency Responder but I hope you don't mind me posting here anyway. I'm a civilian gate-crasher.

I don't have anyone to talk to who has experienced the extreme end i.e. violence and weapons or cleaning up deceased 'scenes'.

MarkJT, I was just curious, maybe I just need someone to reassure me I'm not mad tonight, but in reference to the trauma that 'got you' did you have a really strange slowing down of time that spooks you.

When I have particular flashbacks, the original memories when they occurred in real time were so scary in the sense of how much they slowed down. It was like they were travelling in Peanut Butter and the lid could never be placed back onto the jar.

Just like in the movies when the 'movie scene' is played really really slowly and it's almost like an out of body experience. Arriving home to the scene of my Dad's passing I opened the front door and our dog ran to me with blood all on his chest. It plays out in my head slower and weirder than a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Did this creepy time warping happen to you? Does it go?

This isn't an emergency, I'm safe, but this week I have been talking to my shrink about 'the particularly really tough/awful stuff' to try and change my relationship to my flashbacks and obviously move into grief if at all possible.

It's so hard travelling 'back there' but I am trying my best. I'm not a miracle, I'm only human. I have a pretty good hand break from roughly 17 years of meditation practice but because I have so many traumas, early neglect etc at such a young age I get scared that this concept of 'changing my relationship to the flashbacks' isn't realistic given my early life.

Corn Fritters 🙂

Peace.