PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[Kirakira]

Hi Everyone,

Ive just been diagnosed with PTSD with dissociation, relating to an incident at work last year. Ive since been retriggered (again work related). Ive been working in remote indigenous communities as a social and youth worker for about 4 years. Really challenging and amazing work, but obviously had an effect.

 I have the option of extended leave up to 3 months from work and would like to make good use of the time. Does anyone know of any good residential/intensive support programs around the country that deal specifically with PTSD? Im currently sitting in Central Australia where there are no such services available. I don't have private health insurance, so it would have to be public. Ive looked everywhere and can't find anything.

 OK, thanks,

 Kira

[Paul]

Hey Donna,

From reading your posts, I've learnt you're a strong woman with a very soft and compassionate side and despite PTSD and bastard managers and employers you still use "We" when referring to first responders and medico's like they are still your family.

I admire you, you're amazing!

I admire all people in similar roles who perform the thankless tasks that go unseen or are hidden to keep us safe or get us help as citizens. 

Let me please add this one "Thank You!" from someone, some time who may not have been able to but perhaps appreciated what was done for them later on.

Hugs

Paul

[A_Tech]

Hi Paul,

Wow, you truly have no idea how much I really needed to hear that right now! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me :-). I have to tell it made me cry, but in a really good way!!

I haven't been able to my job in almost a year now, but yes, I do always still say 'we', because I do truly mean it. Despite managers and bureaucracies, the people on the ground are a team and they all act like family when working together, even when you've only just met.

I could never have believed there could possibly be so many good people out there, until I started this work. Now, somedays it is the faith that keeps going.

I am determined to return to the work I love one day soon I hope. Thank you again so much for what may seem small to many, but has impacted my soul like you can never imagine.

I will always be grateful for a kind strangers words, and although I hope to never meet you in an official capacity, it would also be my honour to help you.

Take care,

Donna.

[A_Tech]

Hi Kira,

 First I would like to say I'm really to hear about your PTSD. It's not an easy thing to live and deal with, especially when its work related, and you happen to love that work! Thats me in a nutshell too.

Now the bad news, simply put, NO!

I was only diagnosed last December and I have exhausted EVERY avenue I can, along with the help of the most amazing and supportive GP that ever lived!!

I'm in Perth and there is absolutely nothing out there in the public health system as far as intensive in treatment. All of those residential placements (and there are a couple of outstanding ones in Perth) but they're private. One of them allows you to pay the costs if you don't have insurance, we were told somewhere around $5000 I think?

Medicare does offer 10 psychology sessions per year with a GP referral under a mental health plan. We couldn't afford the in house treatment so increased out ancillary cover, so we get the 10 medicare sessions and insurance covers half of another 10-12 sessions per year.

So basically I just see my psychologist every 2 weeks, and GP on the other week. Its actually worked well for me, BUT you also have to have some support at home too.

I was even so desperate at one point for help, that I went an emergency department and asked to be admitted to the psych unit, the said no. 

I'm really sorry I couldn't help more than that, I even wrote to the Health Minister about it but got no where, in fact they turned it back on me! Now thats loyalty right?

I hope you do find something soon. Please don't leave it because it not go away!!!

Be safe,

Donna xxx

[Gruffudd]

Hi Donna,

I'm not from the medical side, but I do value your work greatly. I walked away from Child Protection work because of PTSD, the impact of removing another child was too much. There are plenty of experiences, physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, self harming kids and the saddest stories that I have sat with people and witnessed. It was always really hard to go to a house after a child had died to assess the safety of the other kids. What got to me in the end was the sound of an Aboriginal mother sobbing whilst smothering her newborn, the circumstances were such that her baby was likely to die if left there, but that cry, it is hard to describe. 

So what happened in my case was Workcover, it paid for psychologists and gave some time. I went back to performance management which was not helpful at all, but it didn't last. It remained for another 4 years, though removing kids or even thinking about it brings up the PTSD symptoms. I have spent rather a lot on psychologists out of my own pay and I think the nature of this is that it will keep returning.

That is why I chose to leave the job and do something different. Walking away from the parents and kids that I have worked with is super hard, so many of them when they struggle in their placements still identify me as a significant person and I am not there which is another adult letting them down.

I guess my message is that this happens because you care and you are amazing and dedicated. I hope that you will be able to go back or find some way that works for how things are now - I can see in your story that you have some real strength. In my last year in the Department there was some discussion about the risks of vicarious trauma which was really welcome (all though too late for me), as a society and the departments, employers, etc. we all need to support those who are heading towards the danger and the pain. 

All the best.

[A_Tech]

Hi Gruffudd,

Thank you so much for your very kind words, twice in a couple of weeks from different people that I have never met has both lifted my spirit and saddened me at the same time. If only my workplace had shown even a tiny piece of that appreciation perhaps things could have been different?

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through! I know that's not why you told me, but I know that you understand the deep torment that being passionate about your work can do to you.

I can't even begin to imagine that heartbreak of wanting to do so much more but knowing you just can't. I guess at least with medicine there is a definitive line that states when there is just no more that can be done. The feelings of helplessness for us both though would still be somewhat the same.

Reading your story particularly sits hard  with me, as during my childhood my parents were those foster parents that took in some of the kids your describing. I guess thats why I ended up doing what I did for a living, that need to help, only medical was where I was more comfortable.

I did have a few meetings with my union when I knew I was being pushing out of my job and we did look into work cover. I guess for me at the time though, there was just no possible way I had the strength to fight for it, and it had been made clear to me by my manager that it would definitely be a fight. In the end I decided it was in my best interest to simply resign and apply for salary insurance, not that that was any walk in the park but at least I have two years at 80% pay.

I have also payed out a lot of extra money on doctors visits, currently I see my psychologist every two weeks and the same for my GP. It's certainly not easy is it?

It's so hard to get away from triggers when they're everywhere!!! I had never noticed just how many emergency service vehicle there are until PTSD. A recent event while on holiday has revived some of that again just when I thought I was making real progress. So for now, I'm going to stop thinking about returning to work and just focus on recovery!

Perhaps one day the mangers that we deal with will actually take this seriously, but I won't hold my breath. Thank you again for your kind words, although I think that you too are an unsung hero! I chose purposely to never work with children. To know that you have those sights and sounds in your head, I admire YOUR courage!

Lets hope that one day we can learn to live without nightmares and panic attacks, that is my dream

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Donna,

I think understanding what you react to and what happens in your body is the thing. The ideas and experience in the Anxiety and Depression forums helps, and I am actually rather good at riding out the anxiety when it happens now. 

The choice of a change of work in the same field turned out to be a really good thing for me. 

Rob.

[A_Tech]

Hi Rob,

Slowly but surely I'm figuring out what my triggers are. Mostly I'm able to avoid a lot of now, even though it's only been a year. I have been having quite intense and extensive sessions with my psychologist usually every two weeks. She's amazing!!!

But don't get me wrong, in saying that I've just had one of the worst weeks in a LONG time!!! How long have you had PTSD?

I'm glad to hear you say that your still working in the same field. I truly think that it's because of our passion for the people we're helping that we end up where we are. I'm also thinking of staying medical, just a different role.

Can I ask you though, did you have a long period of time away from the job and if so, how hard was it to make that decision to return to the same area of work, albeit a different role?

I'm just so scared!! I'm about to enrol for Uni to get a different qualification, medicine is my passion!!! It's who I am to the core and always has been. But what if I do all of this study (it's more the money to be truthful) and then fall apart again? I would love to have the perspective of someone who has returned to similar work.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Donna.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Donna,

It was about 6 years ago that the diagnosis was made and I had about three months off which was not much and not enough in some ways. I went back to casework in Out of Home Care rather then Child Protection like before that. The decision to return to work was mostly about money, I just swallowed my pride and forced myself, it was incredibly hard and I did contemplate suicide as an alternative which suggests it was a bit early to be going back. I built back up from there. There is a real difference between front line trauma and moving sideways into something less crisis driven and focused on long term healing. 

I'll be honest, I think that PTSD is likely to be around for life. I had triggers today that sent me into a sort of tailspin. One was a former manager who was being nice but used a register of language that reminded me of things, and the other was a parent who used to threaten to kill me with some detail on the methods (in my last job) who visited the agency seeking help for his daughter. It is really challenging sitting there and tuning out from the memories of when one of those angry fathers came to my house and killed my cat or the one who rammed my car into a ditch with his truck. I took another worker in with me which helped me remain present and could talk while I was doing some mental gymnastics to park the thoughts and concentrate on the needs that they were bringing to us.

Going and having those heavy going psychology sessions is what has helped me find a middle ground that I can live with. I chose to continue in the field knowing that I will have days like today, however, those days are fewer and fewer with me being focused on helping people grow, change, and recover, rather than intervening at times of crisis, pain, and death. 

My experience is not one of going back and never falling apart, I have done so to different extent so very many times over the six years. I think moving from government to non government has been a big thing, the next degree of separation would be to move into something where I have no involvement in Child Protection at all. 

Sorry it is a very mixed message of an answer. I honestly thought about becoming a priest or driving a bus. I don't think I'd be satisfied because my work with children and families is not yet done.

Rob.

[A_Tech]

Hi Rob,

I apologise for the slow reply, I've been spending a bit of time with my favourite aunt who has end stage pancreatic cancer. One things for sure, spending quality time with her has really put my own life and issues into a more realistic and approachable perspective.

I certainly will never devalue what I and others like you have gone through, but it has made me think that there really is nothing that we can't overcome emotionally, if we dedicate ourselves to it enough!

I believe what you say that PTSD will be with us in some for or another for the rest of our lives, but it's what we do about it that counts. Like you, my passion for my area of work is too strong to just walk away. For the last year I have too scared to do anything about it though. I couldn't seem to make a decision about a new career pathway, even though I knew I needed to stay in health in some form.

I also knew I count return to the job I had done for the past ten years either, but thats ok, I had a good run and loved it all (well mostly, haha).

But I've finally done it! I've made that call that I knew I would do all along. As of today I have submitted applications to two Uni's to study to be a registered nurse. Thats something I had always planned to do ever since I was in primary school. It was actually my husbands words a couple of days ago that did it, when he said this is something you've always wanted to do, and when will you ever have this perfect opportunity again when your not working, we can manage financially etc. so I did it.

I feel pretty empowered actually! Its a kind of unreal feeling, especially knowing that I'll end up studding at the same Uni as our son! I had to promise I won't embarrass him.

But, I'm also not blind to the risks here either. I did talk it through with my GP and psychologist first.

I'm so gratefully for your reply to all of my questions too, thank you. And no, it was not a mixed message. I did have to laugh though at your comment at thinking of becoming a bus driver, I used to be one of those too! Another thing I had always wanted to do, so did! I had a great time for a couple years and mainly gave it up because my son was starting pre primary with those silly half days, not very compatible with split shifts.

I would love to keep to chatting you if you don't mind, I think we have a similar background?

I don't think my aunt will make it till christmas, so if I don't post before then, please have a safe one.

Take care,

Donna