ptsd and triggers

[Guest_00126148]

I have a lot of childhood trauma including coca(child on child abuse), sa, loss of loved ones, emotional/physical abuse.

This caused very bad flashbacks in episodes at nighttime for a long time, though I've been healing and it's been a while since I've had one of those now. But a lot of music from those years still triggers episodes of ptsd where I can feel, hear and smell my abuser. It's horrible and uncontrollable. Luckily, music from then doesn't get played that often, so I'm usually fine, and I tend to carry earbuds with me in case.

Sadly, I still get into fights/arguments with my parents, which can trigger a lot of emotional distress and cause a spiral into a major depressive episode. These episodes often consist of memories/flashbacks to those I've lost to time and can also trigger a ptsd episode to the abuse. My mother has anger issues that she refuses to adress and my father has chronic pain issues that cause him an amount of depression and can also make him prone to anger as well. So what should, i think, just end up being a playful disagreement which we all come out of understanding one another better and as better peopple, usually spirals into a big fight that usually ends with me in tears and not being able to stand in the same room. I always have to leave to try calm down, though by then it's usually  too late to sotp the spiral.

I am clean of self harm over two years now and I am so proud of myself for it, but these fights with my parents keep getting worse as I gain self confidence, self respect, and knowledge of what's normal and not in people as I get older. I know my home will never be violent, but I know my parents don't like that I like guys and girls, or that I am sometimes a girl and sometimes a guy. and a part of me always worrie that the fights could turn physical one day, even if rationally I know they won't. Because someone I loved physically hurt me in the past, I'm always scared of it happening in the future. Sometimes that 2 year streak is hard to keep going.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_00126148~

Welcome to the Forum, where you can find many that are forced to relive the incidents from the past. As someone with PTSD and other issues I can understand some of what you are going though - and the difficulties in navigation life avoiding triggers.

So may I ask if your parents actually know what they are doing to you? It might be one thing to see you as a person that argues and goes away, and quite another ot see exactly what they are triggering?

My partner and I have two rules, although we give way to anger at times we deliberately never say anything that is irrevocable or cannot be taken back. Also my partner, though being with me for so long knows the obvious things that trigger me and avoids them. if I am triggered realises this and understands. So if as an example I leave a movie half way though crying she takes it in her stride and is simply with me as a comfort. It's a great help.

In order to get her to understand I did quite graphically explain some of the thoughts I was having. Doing so was unpleasant and almost triggering in itself, however being understood as a result made lie easier for both of us. Graphical descriptions are really the only way sometimes, dry explanations do not have the same effect.

Do you think if htere was any way you parents could understand exactly what they are setting in motion they might moderate their behaviour? I realise this is a big ask of you however a more peaceful family life would be a blessing and hopefully in time reduce your fears of violence, which is not really something that can be explained logically, but has to come from emotions living in a soothing environment.

You  are very right to be proud of yourself, 2 years wihtout self-harm when you are still in such a taxing situation is a pretty big thing. This is another thing I wonder if your parents understand, if not and they are willing an explanation by a clinician you trust directly to them might help - what do you think?

Sometimes parents or other loved ones, do not have a clue to the effects they are causing or what victories can look like.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix