PTSD AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[ribbonwhite]

I'm not really sure where to start. Other than finally finishing in the family circuit being my undoing.

Two nights ago I ended up in the hospital because everything finally hit me and became to much. I felt like I couldn't keep on going anymore. That my abuser (my sons father) and my narcissistic mother were right "I'm just a piece of shit that no one likes" the anxiety is crippling me, the night terrors keep me awake. The heightened response that one day he will make good on those threats. I'm in this wave of emotion of not wanting to be anywhere, I don't want to be at home but I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be outside but I don't want to be inside. I spent two years going to a domestic violence counsellor, six months with a sexual assault counsellor. And six sessions with a phycologists trying to manage the PTSD. I thought I was managing ok till family court came to and end after three years. I can't move past the hurt that was caused by my abuser or my own mother. I feel really isolated and don't know how to cope with being a single mother with a son with behavior issues trying to get help to only be told"you're doing everything we would tell you to do, so there's nothing else we can do to help" trying to provide an income. All I have is my sister who lives in another town, and my best friend who even though has been in a domestic violence situation herself many years ago, does not comprehend the damage it has had on me mentally and believes I should just move on. But that's what Ive been told by many people that I just need to "move on its in the past" I really wish it was that easy. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to get back up. I know my son needs me but I don't know how to stop feeling the way I do.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Robbonwhite

You do deserve better, and this not wanting to be anywhere thing is a deep depression we have all experienced it (well some us) and it does take time unfortunately theres no quick fix. I can only talk from my experiences and I was told to move on its behind you but until you process it and come to an understanding with yourself it will always reappear. I can report that it does get better, and you can keep improving a little at a time but the stresses of daily work providing and other economical factors get in the way. I wish sometimes that there was a place where when you hit this point you could just get away and heal but no place exists, so the stress gets masked while you try and earn a dollar to get by. I feel for you knowing what its like and wish i could take it away and sometimes that can get you through to the next stage. I personally not try enjoy the little things, be a little selfish and  try and get into a rhythm or routine that helps! It's hard doing things different or even changing the smallest things but if it help make this feeling go away I guess it helps even though I'm a long way from where I want to be.

Everything starts with you truly understanding that you deserve better and you do! One thing that really changed my feeling that way was understanding to control my thoughts! sounds funny but someone told me the only thing you truly have that can't be taken by anyone else or no one can make you think something you don't want to. So my mind was terrible and the something inside me that gave me panic attacks when I thought everything was fine was taking over my life and I needed to train my mind to think what I wanted to think! So I devised strategies and excursuses to combat myself and over time this has improved, I will share some in another post as this ones running out of characters. I am no where getting back to what I want but now I can have some things I want to do and some days that I feel almost normal and then a bad day where it all goes to shit and I usually feel the bad days from the moment I wake try and fight it but it gets the better of me but I look to tomorrow and know that this is getting better. I know this is still crap but hopefully one day I can be in a place that resembles the way I want to live, I have come back before and gone down hill again but overtime the reasons are learned and it gets little easier if there is any such thing when the life is zapped out of you and nothing can make you 🙂

[ribbonwhite]

Thank you IAMTHAT

For a while i felt like i was doing ok. I would practice the coping methods the phycologist had taught me and I felt like I may have been on the right path. 

Then three years of being in the family circuit Court finally came to an end. I suppose I was on  this "high" where I had to constantly keep on fighting to make sure my son was safe. As it drew closer to an end I could feel myself getting pulled into the darkness that I had worked so hard to get out of. I thought that I would be ok because for the first time I had really opened up and putting my all in to a new relationship. On one side I could feel myself sinking but on the other I actually felt that their was a little bit of happiness in the darkness. Then out of nowhere he ended it. Its not that that has put me in the place I am now, but that was the final thing to break me. My son is my life but I can't help but feel how he deserves more than this horrible mess he has been brought in to.

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Ribbonwhiteness

Thanks for the reply, its great that you practice coping methods that means you know theres a better future ahead for you and mini you! I totally under stand being on the high because you have this purpose, being you son to be really strong and now it seems you need another thing to get that real strong you back again? I do the same with work, I had the last few months off and I got in such a nothing space everyday, but been back at work for 3 days and can feel stronger.

So whats your new thing? do something for yourself, write down 10 things you love doing and 10 things your son loves doing then make sure you do one from each list every week. One thing about kids are they are unconditional lovers of their parents and its sounds like you are a great mum. Someone told me once that people in general don't recall many finer details or conversations but they remember how you make them feel and loved kids are the same. Another great one I like is "if its not fun, don't do it" my son is 12 he loves this one, after I had bad spell for few months and started getting better, I made a commitment to do a few things he enjoys each week like a video game, tennis and kick the footy or go to a game once a month and before I couldn't even drag myself to do it or enjoy it but now I actually enjoy it once out and there. Im really bad at tennis but its fun and now I ask him all the time, last week we played 4 times!

I guess from reading about your relationship, thats disappointing and I always feel worse when you put a lot in its natural in life to be more hurt when you know you have opened up more, or really worked hard to make it work and then it doesn't? but i always say that no two people are compatible its just how understanding you are and I just haven't found any understanding ones yet! Hehe 

look I can tell by the way you express these feelings and thoughts you are an intelligent person with your heart in the right place and your really trying to combat the darkness with amazing courage, amounts everything else and thats a real credit to you and your son if he understood (not sure how old he is) would be extremely proud of you.

Great to chat again, cheers

Az

[ribbonwhite]

Thank you for your reply IAMTHAT

I will take on board the strategies you have said.

I susppose I'm in this vicious cycle of wanting to be the supportive parent I can for my son but at the same time feel at a complete loss with his behavioral issues. So far its been a very long hard road to find out what exactly is going on in his brain to make him do the things he does. Going places to get help to only be told "you're doing everything we would tell you to do" isn't helpful. It just leaves me lost and feeling like a failure. Currently I'm waiting for genetic tests to come back. But with the way the medical system is currently I don't know when I will get an appointment to find out the results. In the meantime he has been medicated and that has left me feeling once again as a failure. That's all I have felt my whole life as always being a failure. And when your told repeatedly by your own mother I can't help but feel she is right. 

its got to the point where I've been told I'm such a failure and no one likes me and that no one would ever want to be with me, that I think they are right. I just can't see the light anymore 

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Ribbonwhiteness

Yes I know how living with a child with behavioural issues can be and more importantly how it affects you. I have lived with a step son whom has autism for 15 years. I didn't think that it was affecting me but after talking with a phycologist a few years ago there was a lot of deeper things there because I guess nothing I could so would change anything and I wanted him to have a quality life and experience more. I understand your situation is completely different and I hear you don't have the positive support required to at least help the situation.

This self talk about being a failure or being told that - seems like you have been told that so much that your starting to believe it? Its hard I know, I just got home from my fourth day at work after having 6 months off and questioned by my Narsasistic partner what I was doing all day and did it take that long to do my job etc? Controlling behaviour! I got the strength to go back to work to get some cash to buy my sons some great christmas presents, and after spending 6 months being told everyday your hopeless you can't even get a job there must be something wrong with you. I feel like I can win, I miss intimacy and love but I can't leave my son, I am building up the strength and am starting to live a double life to plan my exit but leaving a person with NPD is going to be painful and I just can't face it atm. So really I just told you that because "I hear you" when you say I can't see the light anymore.

Its not so much what you do but that we keep trying things until they work or help or resonate. I don't know how I ended up like this, do you wonder that?

I really enjoy the supportive understanding people on this forum, its not great that there are so many people with such pain but it can only be positive in helping and sharing knowledge on support channels. I would normally never do this sort of thing as I am very private and like to suffer alone but then you read something and feel compelled to share. Its anonymous and thats good but then you talk with one person that you enjoy messaging with and think I would like to be there friend but you can't, I haven't come across many people whom understands this stuff in my daily life - I don't even tell anyone coz in my job its a ticket to end your career, were a long way from being ok with this in the real world even though millions of people have it.

Anyway didn't mean to talk about me so much just wanted you to know magic does happen!

AZ

[ribbonwhite]

I feel your pain of suffering from someone close that is a narcissist. The long term pain and suffering that is caused is crippling. When you hear repeatedly your self worth is nothing you end up believing it. The narcissist in my life was my mother. I am thankful to say I have cut her from my life. But it wasn't easy. And as expected she did not take it well and did unspeakable things to get her "revenge" but everyday I'm so thankful to myself for doing it. 

May i suggest in your case to set up a private account and start depositing money in each week. Even if its just 5 dollars.

congratulations on your job. That's the first step in the right direction.

Last night I went to a psychiatrist and I have been put on medication. I think at this point in time its the right decision.  Now its just finding the right phycologists that understands PTSD. 

This is the first time I have posted here. Purely because I felt like no one understood how low I felt. And I thank you for responding as I feel that you understand my pain.

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Yes the old narcissist is a very unique creature and they can be the most irrational people, I just don't know how it took me years to realise it? Anyway great advice, great idea, account will be sorted today - the main  problem is my son but as he gets older he understands more. 

Good to see you talking with someone other than me! Medication is one of those things, i fought it for years then just swallowed the pill, one a day and with very minimal side affects but at the start I felt like a zombie. Finding a phycologists that understands PTSD is a great thing to do, I went through four psychologists before one actually made sense did some exposure therapy and it worked, I guess its like everything in life theres specialist people that know how to treat these complex issues and have experience and others think they are helping and probably are but are a little short on the experience. Thank you 2, its been a pleasure to chat - I'm off to work, the place is new so its crazy atm, started at 9.30am yesterday and finished at 10.30pm long days just had a sleep in going in now for more! take care speak soon Aaron