Forgiving people

[JosieRainbow]

Hi all, 

I'm new to Beyond Blue. I joined because I'm searching for answers, and I'm actually not allowed to discuss my issues with some people. Every time I bring it up they respond with "Oh, Just let it Go!"

Approximately 10 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by someone I looked up to, trusted and cared about. I was an adult (just) so therefore was given the choice to take it to court or not. I was given the advice that I shouldn't by other people who I trusted (the same people who won't allow me to talk about things with them), and therefore although I had a rape-kit done, just in case I chose to go ahead with it, I never took it any further.

For a few years now, I thought that I'd forgiven the person who hurt me. I didn't think about it, it didn't affect my daily life. Recently, however, due to knowing that I would soon be seeing that person at a function that I was attending (and since attending said function) I've felt much the same as I did in those first few days/weeks after it happened. It appears now that I wasn't over it, I'd just repressed it. 

I want to forgive that person (though I'm not ready to forgive those who don't want to hear about it). I know through my faith (I'm a Christian) that there are scriptures that tell us to forgive, and yet when I mention this to people or on the Internet, I get conflicting messages. Some people say that I should try to forgive, when I'm ready, because Jesus taught us to forgive, but other people tell me that I should not ever have to forgive that particular wrong.

Without going into too much detail about Christian beliefs, I'm trying to find out whether or not I should be forgiving person as they have not yet apologised and asked for forgiveness, and if so, I want to know how I go about forgiving that person. 

Part of me thinks that I should forgive, because Jesus didn't say "forgive everyone.... oh except for him!" Please note, I am not asking for a religious debate, this is not the place, but I am wanting to know which choice to make, because I really do want to forgive them despite their lack of repentance, I also want to know how to forgive (which is strange because I'm generally quite a forgiving person by nature.

Thanks. 

[Jacko777]

Hi JosieRainbow,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I am really sorry to hear what happened. There is forgiveness and there is also justice. For me forgiveness is explained very well in this quote...

"Forgiving someone for what they have done is not a sign of weakness, it's a statement telling them that they do not control your emotions and you will not stay stuck in the past" Steven Aitchison

So forgiveness is entirely about you, it's about letting go of the pain so that this event doesn't affect you in the present and therefore shape your future. It takes practice to achieve, and awareness to ensure we are not repressing it, some professional support wouldn't hurt either. The grey area for me would be justice. This person has committed a terrible crime, why should he get away with that? So you can forgive him but I also think he needs to pay the price for his actions, personally I would send him to jail.

We can find compassion for the man that cannot control his self, that has lost touch with his God. That's how I would forgive. I'm happy to talk more about this any time and I hope I haven't upset you. xx

Jack

[White_Rose]

Dear Josie

Hello, good to meet you. I am so sorry for the horrendous pain you have endured and I applaud your thoughts about forgiveness.

Jack has already made the point I was going to make. Forgiveness is not about the other person but about you. It helps if someone says they are sorry (assuming they mean it) and asks for forgiveness but this is not the point. I agree that forgiveness can be extended to everyone, not only in some circumstances. I think your friends are misunderstanding forgiveness and it's purpose. It's not to let the other off the hook, it's to let you rest.

As Jack commented it's about the other not being able to control you through your trauma. Rape and sexual assault are more often about power than desire. Not just the physical power at the time of the assault but the psychological power for the rest of your life. You said you thought you had forgiven him until you saw him again. And this is the point.That trigger will not go away until the whole thing has been laid to rest in your own mind.

Your friends are not showing you any respect by stopping you talking. Talking is how we resolve our problems and hurts. You were hurt by a selfish person who may well have forgotten the whole thing by now. Well you cannot change him or his attitudes. You can only change yourself.

I have struggled for several years to forgive someone for an incredible hurt and one that has continuing consequences. Have I forgiven him? In many ways yes, because to continue at the same level of anger and hurt would be too much for me to bear. I found talking to a psychologist hugely helpful. And I have been talking for two years, although the consequential outcomes have formed part of this discussion.

Forgiveness is about giving yourself peace of mind and then letting go of the hurt. Justice is a different matter. Do you remember the Truth and Reconciliation Tribunals in South Africa? Perpetrators were invited to own up to their actions. Some asked for forgiveness, many did not. But for the people who had been hurt it was a healing process to have their pain acknowledged. And this is what you need.

Your friends cannot see this, which is probably why they advised you not to prosecute. And they continue to add to your pain by their refusal to acknowledge your hurt. Charging this man with assault may give you an acknowledgement of pain by the police and courts but you need to think about your reasons. Is it justice or revenge.

Out of words so will write again.

Mary

[Gruffudd]

Hi JosieRainbow,

Those who are not religious should look away...  

I am an Anglican, and struggled with forgiveness of the man who did that to me, forgiving myself (yes really), if I should stay with faith (turns out that I couldn't just walk away from it)...

So forgiveness requires behaviour change on one level. It wasn't going to happen though, I did not know the man anyway. The way I came to peace was through the words, "come to me all that are heavy laden and I will give you rest." Over time I shared the task of forgiveness with god through the corporate confession and absolution during communion. I can stand tall knowing that I am equal in my community and they and I have left our burden with god and been renewed in faith together. It is not just letting it go because it will always be there, it is reshaping it so that it what it is and doesn't cause me shame, guilt, and pain. 

There are very few people and forums where I talk about these things in a safe and respectful environment. This forum seems to be one of them. I think it has helped me to make a choice of who to share this with and who not to. 

I hope that you find some peace.

Rob.

[White_Rose]

Dear Rob

I am also a member of the Anglican communion. 'My' church is very important to me so it is overwhelming at times to remember it was the church that hurt and devastated me. As you say, nothing can change the past. ATM I am working on the present and finding it difficult. I believe I have forgiven the person involved, though I need to remind myself now and then. What I find difficult is the institution that has condoned the behaviour and forgiving 'them' is still a road I need to travel.

So I am battling for the future to be comfortable.

Josie, so sorry to hijack your post but Rob's words triggered my feelings. I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Hi Josie,

So sorry you have gone through this experience without the proper support of friends and family.  Thats hard, I know.  It was nearly 20 years ago that I was raped by someone that I thought I knew well, and trusted.  I never reported the rape to anyone and so, like you, no charges were ever laid.

Until recently I'd never told anyone about what had happened and, probably similarly to you, I repressed the memory of it.  But there are always triggers which bring it all back, and  that has happened regularly ever since.  So we do need to try to resolve things in our own mind, otherwise we are unable to move on from a traumatic experience.

I have not forgiven the man, and I dont believe I ever will.  But due to therapy with a trusted psychologist throughout this year, I am starting to come to terms with what happened.  Probably thats about the best I can expect.  

Unlike you I do not have great faith in religion.  I would classify myself as a non-practicing Christian.  But I know faith is a very important tool in peoples lives, and I totally respect that.  So I hope you can take comfort from the words of support others of strong religious beliefs similar to yourself have provided throughout this thread.

I dont know which would be more difficult, me not having anyone I can talk to, or you having people who know but who are blind to your pain and confusion.  It makes me feel really sad.  

I truly hope you can move on from what happened.  Only you will know how and when to forgive, and I hope you soon find the strength to do so.  If you have not already sought help from a counsellor or therapist I would strongly advise you to do so.  It will help you get your thoughts together and assist in making decisions which are right for you.

Be strong.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Mary,

The thing with the church is that we who are part of it can and should hold each other and those who have wronged us accountable. There is no excuse that is acceptable, honestly it is not over for them until there is evidence of change. It is relevant for me and this thread because the trigger is right there in forgiving whoever has abused us, and if we see them protecting and continuing the harm, even more so. The way I can be comfortable is reminding myself that community around me didn't do this to me and they stand with me in demanding justice. I think a bit like Shiree said, If I carry around this hurt I am the one who is suffering and not that I can do anything, I would rather that he suffered.  

Rob.

[White_Rose]

Rob

I believe I have forgiven the person concerned. I do not understand the attitude of the hierarchy. Or rather I understand their need to protect their own and retain their power by wrecking the lives of others instead of holding the guilty to account. What bugs me is their apparent belief that they follow the teaching of Jesus and yet harm or condone harm to others. And I know this is an old story and I'm not the only one to be thus affected. It's actually rather a comfort because if I am not the only one maybe it's not my fault.

If I was working for large organisation, or small one for that matter, I can see they would feel the need to protect themselves from the potential fallout. If they put their hands up for doing wrong they would not only better protect themselves, in my opinion, but would win the hearts and minds of everyone else. After all, who complains about someone doing the right thing, except those who don't I suppose.

Anyway, after two years of incredible grief and pain I am starting to move on. I get triggered at times but the effect is begining to decrease. Or at least it was until I was prescribed medication for two unrelated problems which interacted badly for me. So here I am vowing never take medications of any sort again and fighting the consequences. So here I am trying to regain my sense of identity which has been lost for a long time.

I wrote on another post that when your wounds are still raw the only thing you can manage is to stop the bleeding. So I will keep going back to another quote. "I can't stop the waves but I can learn how to surf." So here I am learning how to surf and worrying that there may be sharks around.

Mary

[Gruffudd]

Mary, I think you have hit on it...

When these things are done, It is not your fault and it is not OK. 

I can't understand there being a place for perpetrators to remain or those who have sustained or condoned them, I am brave enough and prepared to say just that when faced with such people, and hope that those who are not able to raise a voice feel supported. We wouldn't allow that of any other institution in our society after all. 

I really admire the approach of learning how to surf. My experience is of not being able to ignore or avoid the triggers of the things I don't want to think about or remember. Even moving state doesn't change that overtime I visit my mother I have to go past a place. The first few years I noticed myself remembering the scene from above, now I just feel a lot of complicated things and move on by as quick as I can - that is surfing it in a way.