Presenting as ok even when you’re not

[Eagle Ray]

I have a tendency to always protect others from what I’m going through. I might have been at home minutes earlier in desperate amounts of emotional pain, but once I’m in a public setting I put on a brave face, say hello to people and will even say I’m going well if people ask.

I think a major factor in this is that it wasn’t safe for me to say if I wasn’t ok as a child. Doing so could even lead to being attacked. From about the age of 5 I learned I’m alone in the world and I have to take care of myself. I also became a carer for a parent with mental health issues at this age, so I became a carer rather than someone who received care.

I think part of the issue too is that it’s just not a usual thing to drop the fact you have experienced trauma into a conversation, and I don’t like the feeling of burdening others with my troubles.

On Monday I have an appointment with an employment agency to try to get back into work. Most likely I will automatically tell them I’m fine, have a very glass-half full, optimistic approach and in no way reveal how desperately I’ve been struggling over the last couple of years particularly. This is me on autopilot.

But in reality I’ve been through multiple losses in my life including deaths through illness and suicide. I experienced an instance of volatile abuse from someone known to me following my mum’s death that almost pushed me completely over the edge. I was also just diagnosed at that time with a progressive autoimmune disease with a reduced life expectancy.

My fear is that I will go forward pretending I’m fine as always but that that could jeopardise my health and even my life. My health has improved greatly over the past 3 weeks, especially since a dietary change which has led to a great improvement in symptoms. But I fear I may take on too much with work in terms of hours or stress levels that are harmful to me.

What I’m wondering is how do others cope having trauma in their history that still affects them? How do you go out into the world and interact with it? Do you pretend everything is “normal” and “fine” even when you are really not ok, or have you found a better way of managing this?

It’s like I fear if I say I’m not ok something terrible will happen but if I don’t say I’m not ok I’m extremely alone and not taking care of myself. I even put my brave face on when I’ve been to counselling sessions and essentially protect the counsellor from the worst I’ve been through. It’s like I protect everyone except myself.

[Petal22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I just wanted to ask are you still seeing a psychologist?

If you are currently seeing one my advice is please be as open and honest as you can with this person….. if you can really talk about what’s effecting you deep down then there is more of a chance that you can find the correct treatment for you and be able to heal from what is holding you back.

I understand I remember I use to put up a front with one off my health professionals but this health professional saw straight through me and knew I wasn’t ok……. From that day on I always spoke about what was really bothering me and this helped me to move forward because I was given the correct treatment.

Im so sorry for what happened to you when you where a child but I want to tell you that you now don’t need to be afraid and to speak up because once you do it can change your life……….. try to let go of fear because once you do you will learn how to fly.

I’m sorry for your current diagnosis please keep working with your health professionals and ask for their advice in regards to work.

Hang in there

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much for your kind words Petal22. They really mean a lot.

I had just started working with a new counsellor recently. The first session went very well and was helpful. At the end of the second session I was hoping to set up another appointment and she advised I have a break for a while. I felt a bit lost and disoriented by this as I was really hoping for some ongoing support. She also started discussing a bit about her own trauma and health issues towards the end of the session and I wondered if some things I’d raised in the session were actually triggering for her.

So I’m now looking to find someone else to work with. But I think the very fact that I tend to protect even counsellors from the worst I’ve been through and I don’t really indicate to them how much I’m struggling may be part of the issue. I’m glad you had a health professional who could see when you were not ok and that that enabled you to communicate what was really happening for you from that point onwards.

Im not good at asking for help at all and tend to always fall back on being entirely self-reliant. I’ve developed some resilience this way, but there are times I really need support and I need to develop the skills to ask for it. There is a feeling of non-safety connected with asking for help for me. So I have to start trusting that I can be safe asking for help.

Many thanks again 🙏

[Petal22]

That’s ok Eagle Ray, I’m sorry your councillor recommended a break even though you felt you wanted on going support.

Please keep trying to find another councillor, when you have the correct councillor things will tend to flow a lot easier in sessions.. it sometimes takes a few councillors until we find the correct fit for us…maybe you could discuss your feelings of wanting to protect the councillor.

Im glad that you are aware that part of the issue may be from wanting to protect the councillor from how much your struggling…. Please think about bringing this up in your session. You could also discuss with the councillor where this stems from.

From speaking openly about these things you will be able to find a way forward with the help of your councillor it may take time but keep working on it because once you can find a way forward you will be unstoppable.

Yes sometimes we need help and it’s ok to ask for it maybe you could also talk to your councillor about how this makes you feel in regards to non safety.

Im sure once you can work through this with your councillor they will be able to help you also with some strategies.

I understand the feeling of self reliance sometimes it can be good but sometimes it doesn’t allow us to grow we truly need to ask for help to help us to grow in our lives.

If we stay in our safety net then there’s no path for growth and once we experience growth we want to keep growing.

We are here as a community to support you.. 😊

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Petal22. Yes, I think actually explaining how I protect people including counsellors is something I need to bring up in an actual counselling session.

Unfortunately I’ve had some pretty bad counselling experiences in the past, including the first counsellor I went to trying to befriend me, texting me between sessions, inviting me to a gathering at her house (which I declined to attend) and approaching me at my place of work, even getting physically between me and a customer I was serving to try and interact with me. My capacity to trust counsellors and therapists has been very much compromised. If I get a sense now that a counsellor can’t professionally manage their boundaries and is not a balanced, grounded person then I am getting out of that situation in a flash.

So I think that’s another reason too why asking for help doesn’t feel safe for me, because it actually hasn’t been in past experience. That first counsellor I saw actually replicated childhood trauma patterns for me. She was actually projecting stuff onto me to do with her neediness and wanting to be cared for, and that is such a messed up thing for a counsellor to do. At the beginning she told me to think of her as a kind of mother, then much later turned on me aggressively when she took offence to something I said that was in no way meant to be offensive. I ended up totally dissociated and plunged into a worst place I’d been in before I even attended counselling.

Anyway, that is in the past now, and I’ve still got some hope left that I might be able to find the right person to work with. What I’ve learned is that I’m strong and I can trust my inner wisdom, and that when I do things work out better. I need to work with my own intuition about what is right and healthy for my body, especially as I’m now dealing with an autoimmune condition, and learn to become an advocate for myself which I’ve really not been very good at in the past.

I really like what you said about needing to come out of our safety net to grow, and that once we are growing we just keep on wanting to do it. That’s what frustrated me with the last counsellor as I was really ready to do the work and progress and it was like I was cut off and set adrift again. But I’ll keep seeking the right support.

Thanks again and I really appreciate the support here.

[Petal22]

I’m really sorry about the councillors you have seen in the past I understand that would have been difficult for you.

Maybe you could ask your gp if they know of a psychologist who would suit you for what you are currently going through.

There are some good psychologists out there, in my experience I’ve seen clinical psychologists a clinical psychologist has different training to a normal psychologist if that’s something your interested in?

Im sorry for your diagnosis of autoimmune condition I hope you have doctors who can help you with this.

The right fit us out there for you, never loose hope.

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Petal22. I’m actually using the internet now to try and find a counsellor or psychologist who is a good match for the healing work I want to do. I’m in a small town now so not a lot of options, but I’d be happy to do Skype sessions with someone anywhere in Australia who would be a good fit. I did see a clinical psych at uni who was good but I’m not there now so can no longer access that service.

The autoimmune condition I have is rare and not well understood, but I’ve found an online support forum for people who have it and I’m doing my own research into it.

Thanks again so much for your encouragement and I will keep hoping and searching. All the best to you too 🙏🌸

[Petal22]

Thank you Eagle Ray 😊

Healing is different for each person I believe.

I found meditation to be a great healing tool for myself and I also practice reiki which has amazing benefits.

There is a way for you to move forward and you will find it…. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.

Moving forward is something that you can obtain and sometimes it can come from spiritual healing work, meditation taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts this was something that truly helped me move forward.

Sometimes I think we need to allow ourselves that space so we can move through things that arises in us.

❤️🙏

[Eagle Ray]

I very much relate to that Petal22. I have been meditating in nature quite a bit. In fact the name I gave myself for this forum came from a meditation. One of the main places I go to meditate is by the estuary near where I live. I often see eagle rays there. During one meditation one kept appearing when I opened my eyes. They are so graceful the way they move through the water. I find if I just think of the eagle ray I can access peace.

I’m drawn to spiritual things too. I have had some reiki in the past. There is an area by the ocean that is like my spirit place. I found a really good vantage point from a large rock. I did a meditation there recently. All this painful grief came up but I knew it was distress leaving my body. I started to cry but I knew it was a good thing. Then my body just wanted to throw up which it did, and again I just knew this was trauma stuff coming out. The meditation actually opened up my body to just let go of stuff.

I find trauma comes out incrementally over time. It actually wants to release but it’s important for that to happen in a safe place and nature is safe for me.

I’m also going on these really long walks that seem to be really helping me. My body just decides to do it and off it goes. I walked 13.5 km today on country paths and roads. I feel like I’m on a pilgrimage!

Anyway, thank you again for being so kind and thoughtful. I think the meditation I’m doing is similar to reiki in that I’m just letting the energy I feel when I’m nature flow through me. It’s kind of cleansing and feels like it’s clearing out stuck trauma. In fact I was talking to someone after a meditation and walk in the wind recently and she said she loves walking in the wind because it “clears out the cobwebs.”

Thank you and all the best on your healing journey too 🙏💕

[Petal22]

It’s amazing Eagle Ray that what we practice in meditation can help us to feel calm in not so calm situations.

Our bodies can just take us back to a meditation state just by thinking of something that we practice in meditation.

Just as you have said when you think of an eagle ray it takes you to a peaceful place from within.

Just by learning to follow our breath can always ground us and bring us back to a state of calm… it’s just realising that we don’t just have to do these things while practicing meditation but by just staying in a meditation state through out our day…. It takes practice…

Eagle Rays are beautiful and would be very mindful to watch.

I think it’s beautiful that you can meditate and be very aware that your body is bringing through old trauma energy that needs releasing and by yourself allowing these emotions it is clearing out this old energy.

Nature is beautiful and very grounding when we really take in the beauty of the world around us…… we are one with it.. ❤️🙏

Its great that you walk it’s great for us to do this … wow that’s a great distance you walked it’s nice that you can follow your intuition with this…. Im glad you have found something that helps you. 😊