Physical abuse as a child still affecting me

[Moscow45]

Hello

i just want to know if I should go and see a doctor about "depression" or "anxiety" or whatever I have. I've taken so many online surveys and been through thousands of forums and I'm still undecided

as a kid my parents split when I was 10, and that never had never been a problem for me, but should it have been? Then my mother found a new boyfriend and all was well until we moved in with him and when she wasn't at home he would yell and scream at me and my 3 sisters. I (being the only boy) was also physically abused.All of this went on behind my mothers back when she went to work and we never dared say anything in case he went off his trolley again. I believe my sister was sexually assaulted but I have never known the true story on that and I am afraid to ask her about it. My sisters and I all made a pact to never tell my mum about what had happened because she already suffers from depression and bipolar and to be honest it wouldn't resolve anything by telling her 

my mum and this man broke up after 5 years, but I had only been 16 by that time and very dark on the world. I tried to end my life many times as a teenager but I could never follow through with it. 

I then went to live with my dad and he's such a great guy and we discuss what happened every now and then and it helps but it doesn't fix what's wrong with me.

this morning for example, I woke up happy as larry, got out of bed happy, made breakfast happily, and then out of the blue I collapse and have no energy to do anything. Why do I feel this way? I don't want to see a GP or anything, I just want to know why my moods are so up and down constantly. I also get angry but not in a normal way I don't think. I loose my mind and all I see is black and white. I feel like this has a connection to my childhood. Does anyone else feel this way? And what have you done to manage it? Once again I really don't want to see a doctor as it will upset my girlfriend who sees me as a strong person, I don't want that to change and I don't want her to worry

Thank you for taking the time to read this

[Zeal]

Hi Moscow,

First of all, welcome to the forum!

I am really sorry you had to go through such a tough time in your childhood and adolescence. No one should have to suffer at the hands of an abusive parental figure.

Your girlfriend is probably already worried, if she knows what happened to you in the past. If my boyfriend went through this, I would be relieved if he sought professional help. You are undoubtedly a strong person. Seeking help doesn't mean you aren't being strong, it just means you accept that in order to move on with strength, you need some outside intervention. This is a clever move, and can only make you stronger. At first, the pain and negative emotions from discussing what happened and its effect on you will be tough, but this will allow you to resolve emotional thoughts and struggles long-term.

I suggest you make an appointment with a GP to discuss your mood fluctuations and symptoms. There is then the option of a referral to a psychologist. Just start with your GP, and see how things go. It can help to make a list of points/topics you want to discuss. This way, you won't need to worry about forgetting something important once you're in the doctor's room. As everything said during a medical consult is confidential, you can discuss the pact you made with your sisters. Mentioning the multiple times you attempted suicide as a teenager is also important.

I hope you can follow through with your doctor. It's really important that you do this for the sake of your health and happiness.

All the best for the New Year,

SM

[El_Guapo]

Moscow,

your story really touched me, please, please go and see your GP and get some help.

Many times in life we carry emotions that we hide in order to be strong. Sooner of later these issues may if unattended will have a way of surfacing and hitting you like a way. At times we can not recognize these issues as we have blocked them in order to be strong. You have absolutely nothing to loose by seeing your GP and you may gain a life of freedom and inner peace. There is one thing that everyone who visits this site prays for and that is Peace in their hearts and in there minds.  Please my friend do not ignore these warning signs that are surfacing.   Hugs to you.   Mingo.