Partner and her past sexual abuse [trigger warning]

[DFUR84]

Hi BB,

I have been with my partner a couple of years and recently just had a little boy together. About 4 weeks out from meeting my son, my partner dropped some pretty sad information on me, that she had been abused as a child from the age of 2 by a family member and then gang raped by 3 men when she was 6 or 7 yrs old in PNG. She has depression and anxiety and we are working on getting a better diagnosis as Doctors believe she is suffering from more. I am not dealing well with things myself plus we have a little boy. Our son is well looked after and she a great mum but when it comes to everything else including us she is not able to handle it. I feel very alone as she zones off now and diasappears its seems. I touch her yesterday and she stated she feels gross when i touch her and look at her. Because she stated so many men have touched her she feels gross and uncomfortable when i do it. I can understand that. But im watching my relationship go down the drain. I want to be family i think she wants that but emotional she isnt there. about anything. except anger Anger is very present all the time.

[Croix]

Dear DFUR84~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and can understand you are in a horrible puzzling and lonely situation.

Looking at your post I would think there are two problems. The first of course is your wife's mental state. Although not a doctor I would imagine she may be suffering from PTSD as well as anxiety and depression. Irrespective of the label with such deep trauma of long standing her path to getting better is not going to be a quick one.

I would guess that her feeling 'gross' is only the tip of the iceberg. Although my diagnosis was due to completely different reasons looking at myself I'd expect she is feeling isolated, disconnected, of no worth and full of fault, as well as being on edge all the time - plus have great difficulty in trusting and accepting. Constant anger is not a surprise.

You are already addressing this as best you can, seeking medical help.

My wife probably faced a similar situation to you, with me distant, withdrawn, uncooperative and giving way to anger at times. When she was made aware of the nature of the illness she was able to some extent stand back and see my reactions for what they were – symptoms. Not easy for her at all.

She did have the close support of her mum which I think made a world of difference. I would not have blamed her in the least if she had taken our offspring and abandoned ship, but she did not.

I'm saying all this to point out that you cannot judge your wife by ordinary standards. Things that people do, be it hold hands, say words of care or even be emotionally alive may not available to her right now.

I would be pretty certain she is not rejecting you, simply not able to reach out. I found as time went on and treatment took effect I was more able to respond and take part in the relationship we both needed.

As a result with all this going on you need whatever support is available. I’d suggest seeing your GP who can advise on your wife’s condition and progress. Do you, like my wife, have anyone to help and support you, perhaps a parent, other family member or friend? This can make a real difference and put things into perspective – plus you feel less alone.

You very probably are being the family she needs, even though it feels so unsatisfactory. Please post as much as you would like.

Croix

[Quercus]

Hello DFUR84 and welcome to the forums.

I feel for your wife. My experience was not as horrific as her own but regardless I do empathise with her after having a baby. I'm not sure how to explain so I'll just say it how I felt it.

From the moment you find out you're pregnant your body no longer belongs to you it feels. And things like privacy and personal space go out the window. I found it very hard to deal with the midwife checks. Internal exams. Ultrasounds. Being touched.

And then when my first child was born there was the drama that was breastfeeding. Your boobs seem to be public property as I found in the hospital. And then feeding itself which I hated.

My point is the time of pregnancy and birth and newborn is a pretty distressing time for some people. Like me and I suspect your wife too. We get used to choosing who touches us and when and learning to trust and then it all goes to pot. Strangers just do what they need to and although they don't mean harm it feels like another invasion.

Croix has a good point about seeking help for yourself too. Also when your wife says she feels gross I can say from experience it does help to be reminded you are loved and wanted and not at fault. Shame is a huge thing for me. Usually when I would push my husband away it was out of fear he would see me as disgusting and pathetic as I saw myself. In my mind I was rejecting him so it wouldn't hurt as much when he inevitably rejected me. Reassurance and patience and respecting her boundaries are all things that build trust.

If you feel able to keep writing that would be excellent. There is a lot of support to be found here. If your wife wishes to join this is a safe and anonymous place and she is most welcome too.

Kind thoughts to both of you.

Nat

[geoff]

hi DFUR84, it's never easy to talk about what could be going wrong in your current relationship and for your partner, my heart goes out to her in every way possible.
It's important to get a proper diagnosis, but that's only the start of the help she needs.
It's a very delicate situation because her self-esteem and beauty has been driven away, and she needs to know that you are there to help her and her son, give her a bunch of flowers, kiss her on the neck become a kid again with her son.
Surprise her with a gift, compliment her when she's struggling and I wonder if there anything that she does that she feels happy about, something small, something you have only just noticed, then tell her, just by a comment.
You have to know what she likes and what she doesn't like, but build up on only what she likes by reinforcing her, but in small doses.
If she says someone is beautiful on TV then tell her their smile is not as good as yours. Geoff.