Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Hey there

I must say, I really like how you put things and write. It makes me think . A lot.

Ive never really analised a bowl or a plate and reflected it on my life. It is amazing just by looking at a plate can change the way we see things. The interpretation of it shows an incredible insight to how we can view things. I do like the fact if the glue is clear, no one sees or knows what happened other than yourself. How true is it. As i was putting away my mugs this afternoon , i noticed these fine cracks that was inside one particular mug. I stopped and looked it . I studied it. Inside and out. It was so fine that someone else probably wouldnt have notice it but i did. I stood there just staring at it asking myself what are my cracks like? Are they bigger? can they be seen with a naked eye or are people oblivious? I couldnt answer all of the questions. I find i only show what i want to show and i dont allow anyone to really see the brokenness i hold.

Your colour is interesting and your explanation to it makes sense.. Grey is a mixture of two very different shades.. If i had to choose a colour, I dont know what i would be. Im not sure if i am anything but a broken bowel. I know i need to think of a colour because how can a colour not exist? I just dont know. I think at the moment im a broken bowel in pieces all over the floor, waiting to be put together.

I spoke to my sister yesterday and we had this debate which i needed to end because i wasnt getting anywhere. She doesnt listen and thinks she is always right. Shes one of those all about me people. I love her to bits but its hard sometimes. I didnt want the debate but she touched on a delicate topic. Men.. I know. I had a bad experience very recent with a tradesman in my home and i was quite freaked out. To cut the story short she said no man ever intimidates her. At first i replied that her experiences arnt the same as mine. She was the golden child and she didnt go through what i went through . Anyway she went on and on. I got all anxious and told her she needed to stop. She wasnt happy with my response and she polity ended the conversation. I cried because i just want her to understand how things are for me.She denies my past but that's because she could do no wrong and ....... Ill leave it at that..

blessings Gabby

[smallwolf]

On the argument - your sister may be right about herself and relationships with men. However, she has not had the same (?) upbringing as you, or the same experiences.

My brother can be like that. At that time I have to go back to something a psychiatrist told me - that some people can be idiots. May not be PC but it is a way of reframing.

I think you had asked me about my bowl? When I searched for the background for my phone I went through various images to find one I liked. It also happened to be in a colour I liked. The gold in the cracks make a nice contrast. Perhaps similar to peering through a crack and seeing gold underneath. Yeah, an overactive imagination.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby,I am glad you had a good mothers day.My weekend was ok i did some gardening.Started planning my new garden and did some pruning.

My daughter went to school monday and didn't want to get out of the car as she thought she was going to be the only one there.Most of year 11 and 12 were there as well as essentinal workers kds.She had a good day and no problem today going.

I did some home schooling with my son.He did some maths but got bored so didnt do a lot.

I hope going into work is going ok for you.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Im glad you enjoyed your weekend too. Is it that time already to prune? I remember at my other place i used to prune my roses around this time of the year. Autumn is one of my favourite seasons . I love watching the leaves fall on the ground and how the colours of the leaves change. Its a pretty time.

Im glad to hear your daughter settled well at school. Looks like i may be returning to work in the next 2 weeks. Im not sure if we should but i guess we cant keep doing what we are doing. Only time will tell if we are doing the right thing.

Works good. I set up my new classroom on Monday. We went through major renovations and it is finally complete. It looks really good. Its really colourful and a lot more spacious. The kids are going to love it. Im working tomorrow . Ill be teaching to those that are there. Ill be going in on thursday too. We dont work full days we we try to eliminate as much contact . I do like going in because it breaks my day. I dont think too much either. At home, i tend to think a lot more. I try not too but i cant help it sometimes. I find im a lot more settled when ive a distraction but sometimes a distraction isnt always possible.

Enjoy your day tomorrow

blessings to you

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey,

She doesnt understand me and she never will. She was the daughter that could see what was happening but ignored it. She was the child that was loved by everyone and she loved the attention. She still does. As to other things that occurred she ignored it. It was like we had two different parents and different male members. I got the bad end of it all. Its difficult to talk about something you arnt ready to talk about. In saying that, Why do siblings do that? What i dont understand is why are we treated so different?

Yes, I did ask you about your bowel. I found it very interesting.

I think there is nothing wrong with having an overactive imagination. If there is ? then im seriously in trouble!!. I have an extraordinary imagination. My mind can take me to the unknown ( I couldnt think of the correct word) and i can write some pretty good text . Great writers have great overactive imaginations. Its how they write great stories and make the reader so glued to the book. Something's came to mind.. Due to your imagination, have you ever thought about writing a book?

Blessings to you. Gabby

[smallwolf]

There is a book in my local library (which I read - duh!) in which the author told her own true story - a victim of sexual abuse from a very young age. There were other issues later on as well. The title is "Why I jumped" by Tina Zahn - and I am in no way suggesting you read it either.

My understanding was that other people in the family had issues believing her story when she told them, and rejected by her own mother when she found out about the abuse.

If a person presents one face to everyone else, and is different to one person, it is likely hard to believe what they are hearing? Or they don't want to the believe it? Associations with guilt/shame. A person they would look up to would do something like that. Memories hidden to other reasons. In that sense you would be correct in saying you had different parents. And I only thinking out loud.

Also remember that you have only started getting help - or that my understanding. You will know, when you are ready to talk about it you. My issues we think started when I was in primary school if not earlier. To change the way I think will take time or a long time. It won't happen overnight. Your journey has started with your psychologist. As you attend more sessions you may feel more comfortable with your psychologist and buildings trust, and will find ways to discuss it in safe place. You are doing all the right things.

Listening to you,

[Life3a]

Hi there. You make me laugh. Duh!I couldnt help but chuckle.

I know your not suggesting me to read it however if i was in a better place? i would. I can relate to what you wrote about it.

Its not easy facing these challenges alone. Sometimes i want my family to listen but its impossible. They all looked up to certain people. Without saying too much but im sure your getting the picture. No one or no one could do anything wrong. Too perfect to make a mistake or do anything out of character. How dare I suggest it.. How dare i suggest anything. A while ago i made a decision to walk away from my family. My life. I only speak to my sister. I just couldnt pretend that everything was ok and i needed to just forget. Your right in saying that people present themselves differently to others. If only i never smelt alcohol. If only i never hid behind things so i wouldn't be found. If only i didnt live a lot of things.

When i spoke to my psychologist last week, I didnt need to say much she already knew what i was trying to say in between my silence and cries. She tried to explain certain behaviours and she is opened about how she feels about certain things. I find it hard to just say it. To just say "This is what i remember"..I struggle to talk things through and yes, I have only seen her 4 times. Its still very early days. You'd also think someone like me would of gotten help way earlier but i found it hard and i stopped feeling to know i needed it. I think this is going to be a very very long process. I was a very little girl Tim. Will i ever be free from it? I dont know.

My sister thinks im single because i refuse to put myself out there.. She constantly brings it up like a broken record.. Its not my reason.

Hows studying going?

blessings

[smallwolf]

Getting help earlier - tell you my story here... for the past X years there were times of the year I was feeling blue. It lasted for a while and then disappeared. There were times when I would be very quiet and worrying about things. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. I could give many other examples. For me, these things were my normal. I felt that other people, everyone (?) went through periods like this. So it was a case of suck it up. And I did. ... and then there was the night before I made appointment with my GP about mental health.

I have used the analogy of myself, or soul, having a shield. Each hit it takes does damage. And I can repair it as best I can. And every hit I takes damages the shield a little more. The integrity of the structure of the shield is a little weaker with each hit/repair. One day then I take a hit that is too much to handle and it goes through the shield and then I seek help.

When I first spoke about suicide with my psychologist it was a one way conversation - she talked, I was silent I could not talk about it. I would tell her that my silence was confirmation of whatever she was asking. My view (for myself) is that every session is beneficial - we will learn something more about ourselves, or learn some new technique etc. So even if you are unable to talk about it just yet these are not wasted sessions.

Will do some study tonight ... after masterchef. Study wise, the topic is self-reflection related and ti is the last one I have to do. 🙂

Peace and comforting thoughts to you

[Life3a]

99% of the times i can write and write and converse in conversation when i email you. Right now i have a mind full of thoughts to share and say but I dont know how too. My words dont come out. I wish that i could see things in a better view. To go through the motion and look at it in a different angle or even relate it, to where i can be mentally. Im in a dark hole. I dont even know how to protect myself from it. If i could mentally run? I would . But i know running wont take me far . I want be able to look at what im feeling and just change the thought. I want to see myself different.

Do you know what i see when i read your emails? Im hoping this is ok.. I see a man with incredible inner strength. A man that has grown so much and has learnt so much about himself and ways to better himself. A man that looks at things and relates it to his life to help him understand it better. Its admirable .

Im having a moment of weakness. I promise, I am okay.

[smallwolf]

On your thoughts ... have not started study yet.

based on what you have written in the 1st paragraph, I would write down my thoughts on paper. It won't matter if they don't make sense or whether they are good, bad, confused, or whatever. Perhaps after a while you could draw lines and arrows between word and phrases creating your story.

If you look up from that dark hote you will see light.

If you are in a tunnel, there is light at the end.

Moving forward.Even if slowly.

Moving upward.

Have a look at this thread if you think it might help...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/a-guided-meditation-

There are still times when I want to run away or disappear. Running to something in a meditation can be OK. Moments of weakness are moments of being. In your posts you have a heart of gold, with the kids you teach etc. Your wanting to change starts as a ember, and will grow into a fire pushing you forwards. Even the ember needs care and support to grow.

Rambling again,

Loving peace to you,