Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Good morning, I havent been able to sleep tonight. Ive been awake all night staring at my ceiling. My stubborn self which only comes out when meds are involved, wont take them. Im afraid ill get used to the sleeping tablets that are prescribed. I know, you can say it and ill allow you too - I'm silly...

I see that behaviour at work all the time. It frustrates me when parents place pressure on their children. Its unnecessary . If only i could verbally tell the parents the damage its dong to the child..

Before i write about me, Ill start with you.. How did it make you feel when you were asked to write to your 12 year old self? I guess in the eyes of an adult , there would be so much positive words that would be written. I also agree the 12 year old self would reject. How does that make you feel knowing that? As for the view on top of the mountain? I can only imagine it would be incredible for you? Tim, I totally respect what ever you choose to write and what you want to write. I understand it completely.Im truly grateful your sharing and helping me in the process.

I dont know what Kintsugi is. Ive never heard of it. Does it have to do with going back to a time of struggle? Im only guessing. Im sure im totally way off.Ill have to read on it. Im always up to learning something new.

My session? Well...There was a lot of tears (buckets) , a painful heart and lots of talk. I told her a little bit more about myself and what i was feeling. I mentioned my emotional breakdowns which i struggle with and the thoughts that take over. Its evident my trauma began when i was a little girl. My brain has protected me for so long that its stored it in a place to protect me. The visions im having are beyond real. Im reliving it. She suggested that I attend a group discussion which deals childhood trauma. She believes it may help me. Its with a foundation. I'm not ready for that. My trauma has led me to self destruction and its evident in certain behaviours i've shown and done. My lack of concentration and tiredness are all linked . I felt as though my inner self was caving in and i couldn't control it. There is so much to still talk about and instead of seeing her monthly we have decided fortnightly would be best . I have long road a head of me Tim. Im in this dark hole and i cant see the light.

Right now.. Im feeling ..numb..Im sitting here on my bed wishing Id would wake up from a bad dream.

[Life3a]

Good morning Mark. Im glad your cake came out. You enjoy baking dont you?

It sounds like you've been though a lot when it comes to your health. I hope your ok.

Children become so attached to certain teachers. I think its because there's a lot of nurturing and the kids love it. They feel as though someone cares and they respond to it. I find especially the little ones need a lot of TLC with fairness. Im a firm, fair, and loving teacher. The kids know where they stand and i support them the best i can. I love encouraging them and seeing the expressions on their faces when they achieve something. It makes my heart melt.

I once read that sanitizers arnt that good for your hands. This article said it goes into your bloodstream. Right now the way the virus is travelling? Ill use it. It dries the hands though and i do prefer to use soap instead.

I hope life changes for me too. Ive a lot of work to do on myself and healing. The more i dig into my past the more im seeing why i have become who i am. Im a working progress and i still visualise myself feeling totally free , out of my cocoon and turning into this extraordinary butterfly. Thats the hope i have for myself. Hope keeps me going. I know i have a long painful journey in front of me before i get to the other side but Ive one chance in life and i dont want to die regretting i had a chance to live but chose to remain in hurt and just exist. I read this book a while ago and it said (i forgot the exact words but it was on the lines of this). "We cant move forward if we keep reliving the past"... For me its getting through the trauma ..Thats my biggest challenge.

I better get out of bed , make breakfast and get ready. I need to be online by 9am.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

hi,

I looked up kintsugi. As i was studying the bowl i asked myself what does this bowl actually mean. Heres my interpretation of it: The bowl has cracks all over it. Its broken and is mended the best way it can be. Its not perfect, far from it but it also shows the struggles and hardship it had. Its a reflection on us. Our experiences of life and our pain. We , you and I, are in a sense broken. We've had difficult pasts and we are slowly putting our lives together or a better way, our past behind us.. Our life wont be perfect as we both have memories that have effected us. Like the bowl putting our lives together piece by piece, will mend us. There will be cracks. There will be times where we will fall and feel i guess, helpless or hurt however by slowly repairing our wounds we will become whole again. It will just take time. And if we dont? We are perfect as we can get...

what do you think?

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby yes i do like cooking and baking and always have since my mother had me cooking since i was a child.I wish i could get more motivation for cooking these days.

The scan went ok yesterday.I got in allmost straight away.I go back to the hospital next friday and see the doctor about it all.See what the next step is.I have had a lot of health problems over the years.I know their will be more down the track as well as more surgery.

I have a child free weekend as the kids are at their mothers for mothers day and gave them some presents to give to their mother.I usually take them shopping for presents but different this year and bought presents online.My daughter is to make her mother pancakes and give them to her in bed.I hope your kids spoil you tomorrow.

Nice morning here and its not to cold and lots of birds making noises.I started making a new garden bed at the back and need to get stuck into that.I going to put some more roses and flowers in it.I just need to find the motivation.I got a couple of roses yesterday before the hospital an orange one called Super Star and a dark red one called Papa Meilland.

I hope you have an enjoyable weekend and you can do something you enjoy.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Good morning Mark,

My prayers are with you. I hope whatever health your battling is healed..

Thats nice your kids are spending it with their mum. Its nice of you to buy your kids gifts for her. Mine doesnt and he doesnt take them to the shops either. I do it for him but that's because i choose too. I dont want to be bitter and live a life of hurting someone. I cant do that. My daughter did say she wants to make me breakfast and i need to have it in bed. I love the excitement in the kids eyes. They will only be here for a few hours. Their Dad wants to pick them up early. I guess im just grateful and blessed to have them the time that i have.

Roses? I love roses. Have you ever seen the mother and daughter rose? Its bright yellow and so ridiculously beautiful. There is a greyish rose too and im not sure what that is called. you might know because you seem to like them like i do. In my back yard, once i start doing it, im adding a row of different coloured roses. they are uniquely beautiful.

Im glad your morning is nice. Im from Melbourne and we have had rain all morning. Its said we will be having storms too with hail. Not looking forward to that one. Im a chicken when it comes to storms especially thunder. Ive no idea why. Its quite crispy here. I was outside under my verandah at 6am this morning watching the rain trickle on the ground. The dog woulnt go outside so i had to stand outside with her so she could pee. Shes just as bad as me. she doesnt like getting wet.

Enjoy your time in the garden. Its quite therapeutic. I need to design mine and i have noooo idea what to do. All i know it must have roses. Thats as far as i have got.

I better start cleaning. I read this joke this morning which made me giggle. I wanted to share it but cant find it.. Il need to look for it.

blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Close! And a little bit more for you on that topic, but first a little background...

I was speaking with my psychologist (gosh!) again and commented how everyone else has it together and I do not. I used an analogy as others being like a clean plate with no flaws, chips or cracks. Me, my plate was BROKEN. She asked to use a different word so I picked on the word cracked. At this time I "knew" what Kintsugi was but did not really "know". I explained that while you can put it together it is not the same. More homework.

So what I worked out was this (for me)...

• in Japan the "broken" parts are cherished as part of the objects history
• the brokenness is celebrated
• if everyone is not broken there is no history to talk about (relatively speaking)
• the cracks in the objects makes the object unique
• they (doing the fixing) do not try to hide the cracks
• things like gold are used to put the object back together
• the gold increases (figuratively) the worth of the object
• increases the beauty of the object
• it actually make the object stronger
• acceptance without judgement
• embracing imperfection

I had (before my phone was fixed) a background of a bowl that was fixed using Kintsugi - reminding me of the above.

[Life3a]

Hey there..

Again talking to a psychologist is something you and i are going to be doing for a while.. Anyway.. The what worked for you theory is quite good. It explains a few things which may i add make perfect sense.

Heres me talking and thinking: referring to the bowel and what you wrote.

We all are broken in some way. We are uniquely different which i guess makes us interesting. Being broken does make us stronger as we heal and even though we dont see the strength we have, its probably known and seen to others. Not that should matter because our strength is something we should feel and see. Think of it this way. Look how much you and i have grown. Even though we have our struggles we are still fighting our way through to better or mend our broken pieces.

Embracing imperfection.. I like that. The reason why is we are imperfect but in saying that we are perfectly perfect in our own way. The Kintsugi bowel is imperfect yet so beautiful to look at. So beautiful to the point of wondering what happened to it to make it so broken. It found a way of mending itself to the beat way it can. Yes it wont be or look the same.

Not hiding the cracks... Interesting . Why do we hide our cracks. I know i do and i hide from others knowing. Am i ashamed of my past? or do i hide my cracks because it shows a side i dont want others to see.

Cracks are accepted and are part of who we are. It makes us unique and possibly ... beautiful. Cracks also have a sensitive side. A heart, empathy and compassion. Ok im thinking in a different light but what im doing is, im trying to see the cracks from a different angle or meaning.

Ive a question.. Yes, i always have a question. Story of my life.. What kind of colour bowel are you? Does the colour symbolise anything to you? I just had a thought of colour??

One thing stuck out when i read your email.. "I explained that while you can put it together it is not the same" Do we really want to be the same?

Blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

To answer your last question ... from my own background there is something elegant in the simplicity of a clean white plate - there is nothing wrong with it, no blemishes, no cracks, etc. Call that a western thought. To extend that further, if the plate is broken and put back tomorrow with say clear glue, it might look similar but I would know what happened and nobody else. Perhaps another western thought. The alternative is the broken plate is thrown out. Either way the plate is not the same as the original.

With kintsugi rather than hiding the flaws, they are celebrated and to the extent that the brokenness is highlighted with precious metals. And perhaps that is also acceptance for myself also.

The colour of my bowl could be described as a dirty medium grey. We can associate meaning with colour also - if you are curious see what grey colour means. Grey is also in the middle of black and white - and historically evil / good, dark / light, in no man's land.

I was going to reply last night, but I felt I had to think about it more to get the right words out. I probably touched on the other (rhetorical) questions you asked.

Time to get out of bed

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby Happy mothers day go you.I hope it can be a special day for you and get a bit spoilt.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Thank you so much. Its really sweet of you. I had a great day. My kids cooked for me and i was spoilt with breakfast i bed. I was impressed by them They put a lot of thought in their meals as well as dessert. I think i cant move though. Im so full. They went back to their dads this afternoon. I would of loved to have had them all day but im tired of debating with someone that simply doesnt listen. I was blessed to have them.

How was your day/ weekend? I hope you got to do some gardening as you planned. The weather here was ridiculously freezing today. When you look outside its nice, once you go outside its a total different story. Im not looking forward to winter. Its going to be quite cold.

Im heading in to work tomorrow. Ive been asked to help out as no one wants to go in. My days have been changed too. During this time , i usually help out Thursday and Friday but now ill be working Wednesday and Thursday. I dont mind. Im normally Monday to Friday, 5 days. Our restrictions will be easing soon but we have had an increase last week. Its starting to rise again. Who knows.

Good luck with your daughter tomorrow. I hope she enjoys her first day at school. It will be an adjustment for her.

Blessings

Gabby