Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I am feeling ok today and went into town and got a couple of things.

You asked me if I feel sad that my life turned out the way it did.I think I am permanently sad that things never turned out the way the could have.When i was younger i had dreams and plans for the future but those dreams are over and I will have to live my life the best i can and make sure my kids can fulfill their dreams If possible.having kids is the only part of my dream that came true and that didn't look like happening to i got into my 30s but the dream of living happily ever after never came true.I always wonder what i did wrong in my life and why i have to go through all this pain.

It caught me by surprise that my daughter can go back to school.Only the year 11 and 12 students are going back at high school which is about 40 students and then the rest will go back in a couple of weeks all going well.My son who is in grade 3 won't be going back yet.

Its a bit cloudy here today and a bit cold and bit of a breeze blowing.I was going to make a banana cake today but think i will leave it to tomorrow and watch tv today.I am feeling a bit tired now.

I hope you can have a good day and you should definately get an waffle iron.I think you will enjoy making your own waffles.I think thats the most important things to do things you enjoy.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

I hope you feel that you can be you here. It is different to talking to someone and the anonymity aspect makes it easier to talk here.

If you break your arm, and your arm is in a cast, people see that and will think "oh, that person broke their arm". When it is something in your head it cannot be seen. People might also look at you from their own world view and if nothing happened to them they will apply the same logic to you. Jimmy Barnes wrote a book about his life - it was alcoholic father, domestic violence etc was his normal. When I was in that suicidal state there was one person at college where I spent my days could recognise something was not right by the way I spoke. So that very few, if anyone, can work you out, then lucky you?

On trusting men - perhaps one day. Depends on context also - your boss is male and sounds supportive of you based on your previous posts. Repeated positive experiences can help. I was told that it takes 10 positive actions to overcome 1 negative action. Again, small steps...

The questions you asked have none and many answers - point scoring, to get one up on another, insecurities.

Questions are always good! We learn by asking.

How did you go with the marking?

Tim

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Im so glad your feeling better. How did it go going into town? We have almost everything closed here except the essentials. Its rather strange but im getting used to it. I dont mind these restrictions. I dont really go anywhere. I think its my place of security and thats why i dont mingle like i should.

I guess we all had dreams for ourselves. Would you change anything? If you were able too..I would. I wouldnt change my kids but id change the choices i made.

Your right when you say youll ensure your kids follow their dreams as best as possible. I dont want my kids to be like me. I mean the emotions and fear i carry. The way i am is to do with my past. I always tell my kids, i want them to follow their path, to be happy and never settle for anything less.. My son wants to be near me forever. My daughter on the other hand wants to be a butterfly. Shes got these big plans for herself.

Guess what i made today? Banana muffins. They were so yummy. My son ate 4 in one go. He wanted more but i told him he needs to let myself and his sister try some. He would of eaten them all if i allowed him too. I only made 12.

Today was freezing. I did corrections at home and had my greatest woolly socks on. I even had my oversized jumper on that im deadly serious 2 people can fit in it . Its so cozy. Not a great look to wear it outside but i was thinking i might start a new winter trend.

Ill be online with my students tomorrow and i have a morning team brief meeting. I cant believe its thursday already, Where has this week gone? I had a good day today. I worked, baked and sat with the kids. They keep telling me im getting old. I call it karma because i used to think my parents were old when they were my age..

Rest well Mark

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hi Tim

I think thats what makes things so easy ,the anonymity allows you to be free and you . I feel im more me here than anywhere else. Ive ran for so long in showing the world who i am. I have a fear of showing me. Yes im crazy. Fear stopped me from doing a lot of things and when your also verbally abused? its hard to open yourself up to the world. I used to visualise myself in this cocoon and thats where i hid. I still put myself in it but im hoping someday ill be able to get out of it and go " hello world this is me!"..

I've watched Jimmy barns documentary. I couldnt watch all of it. I dont even think i got halfway..It was too close to home. I was told his life was quite sad.Its sad isnt it that we only know what we are taught or experience and believe its normal. Its only until one day we realise it isnt. You were lucky you had a friend that noticed you weren't ok, especially during your darkest time. I never had it. I was invisible to the world. I think if i didnt exist,there would be less than a handful noticing.

Maybe someday i will trust a man on every level. Right now? No. Im blessed my boss is good to me. He always says he'll always listen and help me. I dont give him a lot but his quiet observant.

Questions are good. I think its a good way to learn but Tim i ask soooo many! If someone ever said to you , tell me one think that you remember about Gabby? i guarantee your response would be... She asked a lot of questions.. lol

Corrections went well. Im all caught up which is great. I get frustrated sometimes because some parents dont like criticism about their child's work. How can they learn if I dont tell them on areas where they can improve? They cant. They'll make the same mistakes over and over again. Some parents dont see that. It can be so challenging. Ive had parents that put so much pressure on their child at a very young age. You can see the anxiety in the kids behaviour and their words that they share with me," Dad or Mum will be disappointed if i dont do well". I always remind my students " if you did your best and you know you gave it your all , that's all that matters".. In situations like this i prefer to be in a school setting.

I better get ready for nigh nighs. Good night Tim. sleep well.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

I forgot to mention, some states are only having year 11 ,12 and kinder return to school. It worries me as we havent hit winter yet and in some areas like where i am , we are rising again. Hopefully they change their mond and she can study at home. That would be the ideal option..

Night Mark

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Therising,

I was going to go to bed but i needed to respond to you. I can hear it when i read your message how much you love him. I can hear how much you crave for him to want his attention. You say you careless but something tells me you do care. Why? Because i feel your pain and it comes out in your writing.

One thing i learnt in my marriage is that love isnt a one way thing. My marriage wasnt wonderful and there was a lot of things i wish i could turn back my clock. To return to not marrying him. Thats another story and email.

The question that im going to ask you is, even though the voice you hear says "You couldnt care less," What does Therising really want to do? I believe in what im reading, you are inlove with him. As much as his hurting you at the moment. I sense you want to shake him and tell him every thought that comes to mind. Good or bad. There is so much words within you for him..My friend, marriage isnt easy. It takes a lot of work and im a true believer its a two way thing not just one.

Even though my marriage wasnt normal, I still had beliefs of what marriage should be. You cant have one person trying more than the other but in saying that if its worth the fight ? Then it is. Ive another question to you.. Has something happened that made him change? Is he experiencing something his not coping with therefore his taking it out on you? or was he always like this? I dont mean to make you think and trust me i can really make anyone think.. I think sometimes its important to ask ourselves certain questions to come up with conclusions or decisions.

Ill continue tomorrow. Ive an early start and i have a meeting in the morning.

Goodnight thersing. Thank you for your beautiful words.

blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby there is a few things open in town.The roads seem to be getting bussier again.I dont go into town much thesr days except for appointments.I have to go to the hospital tomorrom to have some scans done.

I wish i could change a few things from my past but i can't.I definately want my kids and even though they have their special needs i love them the way they are.I can change how my future can be but am stuck in a rut mentally.The same things in my mind all the time that torture me and bring me to tears.

It is still worrying about the virus i was scared that it was going to go rampant during our winter.Its really slowed down at the moment and we haven't had any confirmed cases here in any of the small towns around here.I know not to get complacent.Yes it will be just the year 11 and 12s at school next week.They will be doing social distancing and everything else.Much easier to do being at a really small school to.In some of my daughter classes they only have 3 students in them.I am sure if their is any spike in cases schools will be shut down again.

I will make the banana cake today when i come back from the post office.I have to go to the post office to check my mail and need to see if the letter from the hospital as come for me.I put all the ingtediants on the kitchen bench yesterday so i have no excuses.I have to force my self to do things at times.

I hope your online teaching goes good today.How do you find doing it online rather then in a classroom?I hope you enjoy it.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark, Im giving myself a break from my laptop. Ive a bit of work to do today and honestly, I prefer to not do anything. One of those day.. Once again.

I hope your appointment goes well. It would be the follow up appointment from your surgery? My prayers will be with you.

Im like you, i would'nt change my kids. They're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Arnt we blessed to have them regardless how we feel about certain things? Im hoping this for both of us: Our lives change and certain things dont make us cry any more. That we can live a life of absolute abundance in everything in our life. Thats what i wish for us and for anyone that's finding things challenging. Do you know what keeps me going? That I can live a life of sheer happiness and unconditional even with the past i had. I guess its learning how to deal with our emotions and experiences -even when its so hard too. I feel talking here makes me feel im not alone. My emotions are real and the comfort im given helps me. Sometimes i want to talk about my deepest thoughts but i stop myself.

Its great where you are at, the virus hasnt increased. I wish it was the same way for me where i am. This week there were 2 major places that had outbreaks where i am. I'm hoping things get under control. Your daughters school is doing it the smart way. Where i work we do the same thing on the kids that are at school. we only have 14 attending. We even have hand sanitiser . Its a constant reminder to wash their hands. I sound like a broken record sometimes.

Let me know how the cake turns out. I chuckled when you said you left everything out so you had no reason to not make the banana cake. Thats something i'd do.

I prefer to be in the class for many reasons. Its hard teaching online. Kids aren't as engaged and the distraction is constant. I guess i can only do what i can. Im also constantly recording my sessions. I do miss the kids. They are so funny. I miss their cuddles first thing in the morning especially from the little ones. They put a huge smile on my face. It feels good knowing they go out of their way to say hello.

I better get back to my corrections. Ive got 2 more hours of this then im done.. I always say that and i always go over. LOL

Blessings to you

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby i finally made that banana cake it was yummy.I ate some with a cup of milo.If i leave things out and get them ready it gives me motivation to do it.

I will be having a scan tomorrow at the hospital to check everything and then i go back and see the doctor next friday.I have had that many scans and ultra sounds over the last 18 months i have lost count.

I can understand how being in a classroom teaching would be not as engaging as in person and seeing the kids in person would be much nicer.They can be very cute and funny.My sons teacher was pregnant at the beginning of last year and all the kids use to give her hugs and feel her tummy.You could see she was a really loved teacher.She bought the baby in to show the kids while she was on leave.

Before the coronavirus i had an ocd with hand sanitizer and use to use it all the time but now i should be doing it all the time i cant because i cant get it so i am just using liquid soap.

I really do hope your life does chsnge for the better.I think you have taken a small step by coming on here and talking and sharing a little bit.I know how hard it is for you to do that.Their are things i would like to share but havent as yet but i do know this is a safe environment to so.This is really the only place that i talk to anyone other then my kids.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

I think it is good you ask questions. It can help to know more about yourself. In the same way as reading about mental health, talking to others can also give you a better understanding.

Kids and pressure - when my kids were of primary school age and swimming competitively there would be parents who would record their kids swimming and make them watch it back after the race - and they are not the coach. Coming second was not good enough. 😞

Somewhat a rhetorical question - how did you session go today?

Me... more homework to do. Two bits are interesting - have to write a letter to my 12 year old self and the other bit what does that view from the mountain look like in practical terms. I explained the problem with the letter is that I even though it would be compassionate it would include the truth to myself which as my 12 year old self would reject.

Thinking out loud here...

The interesting thing about my 12yr old self was a time of transition - moving from WA to QLD to a new home and last year of the primary school going into high school. I can remember in yr 7 we (brother and I) were spat on by the high school kids riding past - the high school they went to was close to our home.

The other part I won't tell you about - living with certain thoughts I have.

As I always say, and perhaps for the first time to you, I am work in progress. And so are you?

Which, if time and space permitted I would tell you about kintsugi. What has that do with this.... you might have wait the next reply or ...