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Not sure how to tell my family (rape)

Ell91
Community Member

When I was 11, my virginity was taken by a man from rape in my home.

I never told anyone in my family, and after a few months I told some friends at school and they shamed me, accusing me of making up lies and that I didn't realise what I was saying as rape is a serious accusation. 

I learnt to keep my mouth shut and as I grew older, I started to feel safe to share with some people that "my virginity was taken non-conconsensually", as this felt not as serious as using the word rape. For me, it removed the weight of the experience and this was reflected in how people responded to it. "Oh, that sucks!". 

I started self-harming when I was 13. I stopped and started over the next 2 decades and was in and out of therapy.

I am now 33, in therapy with a fantastic therapist (finally), recently diagnosed with PTSD and everything is bubbling to the surface. Certain friends know, I'm claiming that I was raped and being clear about it. My partner knows but for some reason I feel that I want my family to know. It happened while they were home, only a door between me, my rapist and them. 

I don't know exactly why I want to tell them, maybe to explain away my mental health history? And for some other reason I feel the words get trapped in my throat just at the thought of approaching the conversation. How would I even start it? How could I explain my reasons for wanting to share? What's the point? Is it self-serving to relieve myself of the desire to tell them and burden them with the knowing? Why now? So many questions. 

It would be helpful to receive reflections, your own personal experience with sharing with important figures in your life, even advice. 

Thank you for this space. 

2 Replies 2

Scared
Community Member

Im sorry this happened to you.

Its totally up to you who you tell and dont tell.

A motive for saying something now could be you dont want this person to ever do it again to someone else.

Or if you dont want to say anything thats ok..

The point is you have the right to be heard if you do want or need to speak out about it.  Its good you have a therapist that you can talk to about exploring all the pros and cons of revealing this information.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hey Ell91,

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story here with us. Words cannot begin to describe how deeply sorry we are that this happened to you, and for the reaction that you received from those around you at the time. This is a time when you need to feel heard and believed.

It is great that you have been able to find a great therapist who can support you.
Telling others about a sexual assault can be a very daunting prospect, especially when you have had past experienced of not being believed, or being made to feel shame. The questions that you are asking yourself in your post are great questions to contemplate while thinking about how you might approach telling others.

Our friends at SANE Australia have a great blog article on telling a partner about sexual assault – while you mention your partner already knows, the information can still be useful for telling friends and loved ones: https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/the-sane-blog/wellbeing/telling-a-partner-about-past-...

If you ever want to talk, please know that you can always reach out to our counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or web chat or email available at http://www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Another good option is 1800Respect, who are available on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 
 
Thank you, once again, for reaching out here. You deserve to feel supported and empowered in however you choose to tell those around you. Our community is here to support you along the way.
 
Kind regards
Sophie M