Not even the half of it :(

[Faded]

I was only 6 when i first became a ward of the state. I was neglected and abandoned by my mother. i had many different placements, numourous workers and a very unsettling upbringing. I was misstreated and subjected to all sorts of abuse previous to and during my time in government state care.

I was sexually abused at 6 years old in my first `foster home.. Numerious times. I was physically abused until I was 13. 

I ranaway at 13, and was raped. I lived in constant fear but i strangly felt safer on the streets.

I never spoke of any of this. I was very afraid to.

No body knew the extent of my abuse. I couldnt trust anyone. I was lost, alone and broken.

i repeatitivly absconded.

Ive never had a place to call home. im now 32, i have a 10yr old girl of my own who now lives with her father.

My father reciently committed suicide.

My family took advantage of his estate as did my partner.

I no longer talk with my family, they shut mE out.

My boyfriend has a gambling problem and drug addiction that seems to be taking its toll on our relationship.

He dissapears for days at a time. Gambles our money. Constantly lies and mistreats me. I cant talk to him properly Without fear of whats to foLlow. ive tryed every angle. Im always forgiving him. yet hE still behaves this way and controls each situation. Im trapped in a living mess that im Scared to walk away from.

I cant cope. This all constintaly plays on My mind. I have nightmares and flashbacks from my childhood. I miss my dad emensly. Im afraid and i am losing my self worth. I dont want to leave my bf . I love him and want to help him. Ive only eva wanted us both to be happy..

But right now. Im unsure.

[james1]

Hi Faded,

That's a really sad past you've been put through, and I am really sorry to hear about your father. I don't know what to say, but others may have better suggestions than me.

There's a lot that's happened and a lot that's happening right now, and it sounds like you're overwhelmed by it all.

I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment for various things that also stem back to my childhood and she suggested we take things one piece at a time. Perhaps that would work for you too.

It sounds like some of the current issues lie in your relationship. I think you are expending a lot of energy which should be focussed on yourself, but instead trying to fix your boyfriend, and you also sound like you know it's draining you. Do you mind if I ask why you are scared of leaving him? Do you have any other friends, close or not, who you could count on? I am sorry about asking these pointed questions and if you are not comfortable answering, please do not feel pressured to do so. I'm just trying to get a better picture of your current situation.

Do you have a GP or doctor you could go see and talk to? Some local councils also offer counselling services. I think that would help you immensely as it sounds like you need someone to help put in place some good strategies that would make you feel safer and going on the right path.

Please also don't forget you can give the BeyondBlue support line a call on 1300 22 4636. They can point you in the right direction as well, and I've always found it helpful to have another person's voice on the line.

None of this is your fault and you deserve a lot better than this. We're always here for you.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Faded,

I'm amazed at your tenacity for life despite all that you have been through. The fact that you want to help your boyfriend shows how much caring you have for others despite your own troubles.

James has already given you some wonderful feedback.

I too am wondering if you are fearful of leaving your boyfriend? Sometimes in relationships, we love people out of fear more than a real sense of mutual connection, trust and affection.

I ran away from my first husband due to his behaviour. It was a difficult thing to do but something I am so happy I managed to do.

You could contact Beyond Blue or Life Line and ask for assistance. They will be able to point you to people in your region who can help you.

If you want to leave, do you have a safe place to go?

It might help to make a list with two headings. One being "Reasons to stay" the other "Reasons to leave". Think about your answers and be honest with yourself.

Okay, just reread your post and you wrote that you are scared to walk away from the situation you are now in.

If you are really scared, call the Police and ask for help to leave safely.

Make plans. Move out when your BF is not at home.

Get the help and assistance you need now, make phone calls until you find answers to your problems.

By the way, when I told my first husband I was leaving before I decided to run away, he told me he would kill himself if I did that. As far as I know, he is still alive! Don't fall for emotional blackmail.

Hope some of this helps.

From Mrs. Dools